I Need To Find Myself

Song: Givin' Up- Jennifer Holliday

A dark morning had arisen from above the Great city; engulfing it with clouds of different shades of gray as remnants of wood and all sorts of debris coated its roads and rooves. Its residents emerged from their homes and began to sweep up, wipe, dust and pick up even the smallest fragments of dirt and glass, to the largest hunks of wood and scraps that riddled their porches and entryways.

The small ray of sun that managed to escape the thick clouds was enough to shine through Katara's window, and force the young Avatar to squint his eyes; stirring him from his deep slumber. Aang squint his eyes as he struggled to open them; he balled his fists and rubbed the sleep from his eyes as an exhausted yawn escaped his mouth. As he proceeded to position himself on the bed, he placed his hand on his forehead; his mind still recovering from the intense night he had with Katara. And as he glanced towards the left side of the bed, it was that same water bender who he found sleeping next to him; laying on her back while her front side laid completely exposed to him. He watched on as her chest elevated with every breath she took. She looked so beautiful to him in all of her naked glory. She sported the perfect hourglass figure, muscles lean and toned, an immaculate body she truly had, and Aang couldn't help but guiltily admire her as her breasts followed along with the rhythm of every breath she inhaled and exhaled. And yet, a look of disappointment began to engross his face as his focus turned to his seeping thoughts; his eyes drooped as his eyebrows bent in sadness and worry.

"What…have we done?" asked Aang to himself as he continued to look at the nude water bender, seemingly deep in her slumber as she subconsciously attempted to nestle her body closer to the young Avatar's. He could feel the anxiety of the situation slowly creeping itself into his psyche as Katara cuddled her nude frame onto his, and the reality of the situation beginning to hit him full force as the thought of Onji emerged from within the depths of his mind. "We…had sex…." thought Aang to himself calmly, that is, until the reality of his infidelity truly hit him, "WE HAD SEX!" thought an alarmed Aang as he quietly gasped; his eyes widening in shock and disbelief over the intimate night that he and Katara shared. He looked down tensely at Katara's relaxed state as he began to slowly cower back from the nude water bender, taking her arms gently off of his neck as he proceeded to move away from her.

Aang quickly got up from the bed and swiftly bent the air underneath his clothing as he gestured to the air to deliver his garments onto the bed. He wanted to make a quick and subtle leave; trying his very hardest not to wake the sleeping water bender from her doze, and with that said, he grabbed his undergarment, followed by his pants; putting his legs through each pant leg as he slowly got up from the bed and pulled them all the way up to his hips.

As he began to desperately wrap his crimson tie around the upper base of his pants and put his shoes on, Aang began to verbally punish himself for going too physically far with the woman he supposedly ended his romantic relationship with the previous summer. "I can't believe I had sex with her. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid!" hissed Aang to himself as he slapped his forehead continuously. He was so enthralled in his self criticism that he almost failed to hear the subtle voice that derived from behind him.

"Aang?" asked the voice.

Aang froze as he gulped in his throat; He knew who's voice that was, and wasn't sure if he was courageous enough to face her, but he had no other choice. He slowly turning around to see Katara, covering her nudity with the sheet that lay on the floor next to his clothes just moments ago.

They locked eyes; and for that momentous gaze, they felt a million thoughts and emotions go through them. Katara analyzed the uneasy Avatar, realizing that he was already fully dressed as if he were about to take off without saying a word. Just then, she read Aang's eyes, literally seeing his inner discomfort etched within his irises; she suddenly knew what he was feeling.

"You're...you're regretting last night, aren't you?" said Katara as she weakly pointed towards the Avatar; those last words escaped her as whispers as the utter sense of hurt and betrayal began to settle in the pit of her stomach.

Aang could see the distress bubbling within the young water bender; he didn't want to continue to hurt her any longer, but he knew he had to come clean, "Katara, what we did last night…..was very VERY wrong." said Aang.

Katara scoffed at Aang's ignorance, "Oh yeah? And you don't think I'm aware of that?" asked Katara as her tone of voice began to emit bitterness; her eyebrows bending angrily as she tightened her grip on the cotton bed sheet.

Aang began feeling irritated by Katara's sarcasm as he clenched his teeth, "You and I are involved with otherrrr peopllllle." continued Aang as he lunged his head towards Katara in annoyance. "I'm with Onji, who's still waiting for me back home-"

Aang's distempered demeanor soon calmed as he painfully thought of the rest of his sentence; While the very mention of his current girlfriend sat uneasily with the ebony water bender as Aang naively brought her into the conversation.

"...You're with Lee." finished Aang as he stopped from his erratic pace for a moment and rubbed the back of his neck; quickly darting his focus towards the spectating water bender. "How do you think they're going to react if they find out about…" Aang stopped himself from continuing his rant as a strong flush consumed his face at the very thought of sexing Katara before looking away from her and continuing to walk from side to side.

Katara simply looked at Aang with a look of confusion on her face as his pace continued to lose momentum.

He could feel himself unraveling; his problems were the only thing plaguing his mind at the moment, and no one, not even Katara, existed, all he could think about was how to make sense of the situation.

"This was a mistake." said Aang.

Katara's eyes widened at those very words Aang just insensitively said aloud, failing to even consider Katara's feelings as she continued to difficultly listen to Aang's careless thoughts; All the while, Aang continued to speak, "Just….practice, yeah that's it; practice. Now I'll know what I need to do so when Onji and I-" Aang immediately cut himself off, not fully realizing what he just said aloud before it was too late.

Those words hit Katara incredibly hard; she could feel them penetrating deeply within the very depths of her soul as Aang's coldhearted words then began to drill holes into her heart.

"Mistake?" whispered an aghast Katara.

Aang looked up to the water bender; finally seeing her anguish over his heartless speech as her fists began to quake, he gasped at himself for having so wrongfully let his thoughts escape his mouth, and tried to remedy the situation, "Katara, please you have to understand-"

"You're telling ME that what we did was a mistake? It didn't seem like a mistake to you last night when you were busy plowing yourself into me!" yelled Katara.

Aang was taken aback by Katara's bold accusation; his flush growing stronger as those last couple of words Katara said settled into his imagination, forcing him to picture his length thrusting into her inner walls the way he did last night. But he couldn't give in to what he thought his body wanted, and he couldn't give in to Katara's antagonistic suggestiveness; he knew then that he had to be the strong one in this situation, . He then turned away from the bitter water bender and looked out the window; blankly staring out without even focusing on the vast clean up effort that was taking place within the city walls. "Katara, I don't think you've yet to comprehend the gravity of the situation. Please, you have to understand that what we did….it was just –the heat of the moment. We got carried away with the little remaining unfinished business we still had and we acted on it." explained Aang sternly as he turned his blank focus to the light green wall that surrounded the only window in the entire room.

Katara couldn't believe what she was hearing; she could feel her heart plunging into her abdomen as she continued to listen to Aang's regret, biting her lip as tears began to flow from her eyes.

Aang remained oblivious to Katara's light sobs, "This wasn't supposed to happen, Katara. We shouldn't have done what we did last night; you and I both know this. Hopefully we can put this all behind us and move forward." said Aang as he turned around to face Katara's bare backside, blushing at the sight of Katara's nudity, "Like nothing happened." finished Aang.

"Like nothing happened?" thought Katara to herself as she widened her teary eyes in shock by what her ex-lover wanted to refer their passionate night together.

Katara then turned around to face her heart breaker; her fingers still gripped on the sheet that covered her front nudity, "Like nothing happened?" asked Katara as her voice began to crack from the overwhelming sense of dread that was enveloping her.

Aang was flabbergasted when he saw Katara's face filled with melancholy, watching helplessly as her inner ache struck her glistening, blue eyes; tears flowing down her cheeks as they trailed down and fell from her jawline.

Katara began to sob, "I love you Aang." declared Katara as fresh tears continued to glide down her cheeks and her grip began to tremble.

Aang's eyes widened in shock over what he just finished hearing. After so many years into their relationship, he waited patiently to relish those very words she decided to say now; now, after their relationship has ended, now, that he belonged to someone else, and she belonged to another man, now, she decided to say those three fateful words. He had nothing to say; he remained speechless and floored by what Katara just finished declaring to him; those three significant words that could've determined the outcome of their relationship. But it was too late; he knew this. But he still felt his heart calling to him again; the same way it called him the previous night when his mind fervently tried to convince him to go back to the Fire Nation, but this time, it was his mind that overtook his heart. It was his mind that won in the end, and all he could do was simply look away from her in bashfulness.

Katara let out an exacerbated gasp as her eyes darted into every direction except Aang's, finally landing on her covered thighs, "So….that's my answer huh?" asked a teary Katara, her voice still cracked as she chuckled sarcastically.

Aang's eyes then darted back to Katara; he was starting to become incredibly worried about her as he watched her grip tighten on her bed sheets.

"Katara….I-"

"Get out…" whispered Katara as her expression relaxed.

Aang raised his eyebrow, "Katara, can't we ta-"

"Get out." said Katara with a bit more force.

"But Katara, we really need to talk about this." said Aang forcefully, "I can't leave knowing that you're really upset about this, and-"

"OF COURSE I'M UPSET ABOUT THIS!" screamed Katara maniacally, causing Aang to draw back in cower. "NOT ONLY DID YOU BREAK MY HEART, BUT YOU MANAGED TO TAKE MY VIRGINITY ALONG WITH YOU!" continued Katara as she weakly placed her hand on her chest, a quake in her voice, "MY VIRGINITY, A WOMAN'S MOST PRIZED POSSESSION THAT'S ONLY MEANT FOR THE MAN THEY DEEM WORTHY TO TAKE IT!" screamed Katara, "And I chose you Aang; I chose to give you my love and my body, but in the end it was me who ended up getting burned…" finished Katara as she turned her focus away from the young Avatar.

Aang watched on in horror as Katara displayed her heartache; he couldn't help but feel devastated for letting her down as he mercilessly continued to hear Katara voice her sorrow, so terrible that he couldn't stand to look at her this way, for he knew well that it was by his actions as well as hers that have led them both into this inescapable point. He deserved her hate.

"I DEEMED YOU WORTHY AANG!" yelled Katara as sobs continued to forcefully escape her, "I WANTED TO GIVE MYSELF TO YOU Aang…" his name came out of Katara's mouth softly as she felt her energy drain from the intense emotions that were coursing through her body; her body quaking from the overwhelming remorse she felt for having thrown herself at him so cheaply.

"But…as you said before, I was mere practice for you." continued Katara sorely as she inhaled a sob, "That's all I was…." said Katara quietly as her voice cracked from her constant sobbing; feeling shame for having acted so foolishly last night without even remotely considering the possible consequences. And now, she is paying for her idiocy; for Aang has rejected her love in favor of continuing his relationship with Onji, the woman responsible for their breakup in the first place. Katara hunched her back defeatedly as tears continued to stream down her bottom eyelids.

Aang slowly turned his focus back to the young water bender, lazily gazing into her hunched position, "Katara, I-"

"Get out Aang; I never want to see your face again for as long as I live." declared Katara seriously as she menacingly glared at the young Avatar.

Aang could feel her eyes piercing him; the hurt emanating from her suffering ocean blue eyes as she difficultly looked into his storm grays.

"GET OUT!" screamed Katara as she pointed to the door.

Aang jumped at the roaring sound of Katara's voice; slowly backing away from emotionally ailing water bender. With every step he took, he felt a jolt of electricity shoot through his heart; each step more painful than the previous as he unwillingly left her in her despair. He took one difficult step back, then another, then another until he finally reached the door handle, hastily turning its knob before he made his way out the door, and out of her life, forever.

Without looking back, Aang slammed the door behind him and began to run past the hallway and down the stairs; his mental state on the verge of succumbing to limbo as he tried to make sense out of everything that just happened. He jolted past the tables as his mind continued to spin uncontrollably; nearly knocking tables over as he struggled to make his way through the maze of organized furniture. He couldn't believe he did this to Katara, to Onji, to Lee, and to everyone. The immense guilt was beginning to overtake him, and tears began to escape from his eyes. He knew this was for the best; he knew that he wanted to be with Onji and that he only had Katara's best interest at heart as well as his own, but the pain of guilt for succumbing to his carnal desires and hurting the water bender so profoundly was so strongly embedded in his heart that it began to radiate into his chest cavity. Suddenly, he couldn't breathe; his air supply was cut short for what seemed like an eternity as he gagged for the smallest inhale of air. The toll his emotions were taking on his body were so fierce that crushing waves scattered over his lungs, but just as he was about give in to the compressing sensations in his chest, he saw Iroh; standing on the corner with broom in hand as he halted his duties at the sight of the afflicted Avatar.

As they exchanged glances, Iroh could see the grief emanating from the young Avatar, tears rolling down his face as he desperately attempted to gather his composure at the sight of the former General.

Iroh wanted immediate answers; he could just sense that something was wrong, but seeing Aang in such a state of despair, he decided not to question what happened. He merely stared at the forlorn Avatar; worryingly waiting for him to say something, anything.

But Aang simply glanced at him before he was once again on the run; dramatically making his way out the door as if running from his maker before running past the Tea Shop entrance and finally disappearing from the former General's sight.

Iroh looked on as Aang's accelerated speed caused a brief tumultuous wind to blow all of the dirt and debris from outside and into his shop; his swift escape leaving a strong scent of sex trailing behind him. Once the former General took a whiff of the pungent odor, he was now absolutely sure that what happened between him and Katara the previous night was indeed an intimate encounter; but what he couldn't figure out was why Aang seemed to be in such distress after experiencing something he considered to be a beautiful act of nature.

"Maybe...she was too much for him to handle?" asked Iroh to himself as he played with his beard, a puzzled look emanating from his face as his focus then darted up the stairs.

Meanwhile, Aang continued to run; panting heavily as his shoes began to engulf themselves in mud with every heavy step he took. His eyes began to swell with tears as his heart and mind continued to play tug of war with one another; caught right in the middle of his inner turmoil and helpless to do anything about it. He knew there was no other way; he and Katara could never work, but the thought of Katara in such melancholy over his rejection sent waves of pain through his heart that were so excruciating that he felt he would collapsed if he even remotely stopped running. The residents of Ba Sing Se were cleaning and sweeping their porches and shop entrances of leaves, twigs and dirt the storm blew on them as they witnessed the young Avatar speed through the narrow roads; leaving behind a thick trail of dust as he continued to rush his way out of the city. After finally reaching the inner city wall, he made a punching gesture towards its thick surface; splitting the earth that made up its exterior as he bent the wall in front of him. He ran through the giant cloud of dust and dirt that his bending left behind; continuing to run through the barren land until he finally disappeared into the mountainous horizon.

Back in the city, a dolorous water bender was making her way into her bath; dry tear trails etched on her cheeks as new tears continued to follow its path. She put down her sheets and dolefully made her way into the restroom as she began to run the bath. Once the tub was nearly overflowing with warm water, she slowly lifted her left foot, then her other foot, until she finally began to submerge her aching body into its comfort. Katara gasped as she felt her body make contact with the liquid; exhaling as she felt the water level reach above her breasts. As she rested her head on the tub's edge, her thoughts and feelings continued to run frantically within her. She was almost in disbelief over the falling out between her and Aang; her mind and body still recovering from the intense emotions that were still rushing through her, spiking through every limb and area of her body like a thousand dull blades piercing through her flesh.

"It never happened" thought Katara as the warm water soaked the ends of her long locks, "Last night never happened…." finished Katara as the dark clouds began to dissipate from the sky; leaving behind a brilliant, blue heaven as a brilliant, mystical light shone from within her bathroom window.

After an excruciating, nonstop day of traveling through gorges, over mountain tops and surfing through the vast, tumultuous ocean that divided the Earth Kingdom and the Fire Nation, a drained Aang finally found himself on the Fire Nation's sandy shoreline, and soon after, in front of Onji's porch. Immensely exhausted both physically and emotionally, Aang forced his hand to latch on to the brass doorknob. As Aang weakly turned the handle, he slowly opened the door; the morning light shining within the blackened living room as he made his way inside Onji's home. As he continued to walk inside, A weary Aang questioned the darkened atmosphere that engulfed the home, that is, until a brilliant light shone from the far corner of the living room. Aang squint his eyes from the sudden brilliance that hit his pupils without warning, but as his storm gray eyes adjusted to the brightness, he found that by that its source sat Onji; sitting in the quaint, wooden love seat with her arms and legs crossed and her eyes engulfed in fury as if she knew he would return that very moment.

"Where the HECK have you been Aang!" yelled Onji as she raised herself from her seat.

Aang merely looked at her with an over-fatigued expression as his arms dangled in front of him; his back slightly hunched as he closed the door behind him.

Onji clenched her teeth, "Where were you Aang! You just disappeared right before you suggested that we could take our relationship to the next level and I've been worried sick since! I thought something happened to you, and look at you, you're filthy!" yelled Onji hysterically as she balled her fists at the sight of Aang's dirt ridden torso and trousers; ripped holes heavily coated on his pants and shoes. She stomped her way towards the young Avatar; her rage-engulfed gaze glaring heavily at Aang, while Aang simply looked at her indifferently with tired eyes. She then placed her hands on his chest as she leaned towards him, taking a big whiff of the young Avatar while Aang looked at her strangely. All it took was one smell for Onji to repel from Aang; clamping her nose with her index finger and thumb as she squint her face in disgust, "UGH, YOU REEK!" yelled Onji as she stretched her hands in repulse. Aang was hardly phased by Onji's actions, and failed to acknowledge her as he made his way towards the entrance to his temporary bedroom, still heavily fatigued as he opened the door and made his way down the stairs nonchalantly.

Onji became more infuriated with the young Avatar's failure to recognize her concern, and proceeded to follow him down the stairs, "Aang? Aang Answer me!" demanded Onji as she tried to shake his shoulder; still no response.

Aang continued to walk towards the entrance to his restroom, but because he failed to recognize Onji's pleas, Onji began to use a different kind of persuasion in order to grab the young Avatar's attention.

Onji slowly made her way to an unresponsive Aang, gently placing her hands over his chest as she looked up to his face with baby doll eyes, "Aang, come on…." cooed Onji as her hands proceeded to travel down his chest, "You promiiiiiised…" whispered the Fire Nation beauty as she leaned her face closer to his ear; her breath hitting his neck as her hands continued to travel past his abdomen.

But just as she was about to place her hands on Aang's genitals, she felt the force of his grip on her wrists; stopping her from her seductive attempt dead in its tracks.

Onji frustratingly looked on as Aang continued to grab her wrists, but just as she was about to protest his actions, she looked up to his face. She gasped as she looked deeply into the Avatar's gloomy, swollen, storm grays; the whites of his eyes lightly tinted pink while his facial appearance was consumed in anguish and sadness.

Onji was troubled to see Aang in such a state of misery, but she was much more bothered and distressed by the fact that he ran off on her when they were about to consummate their relationship; she knows she had to act quickly, but subtly at the same time if she is to get Aang to bed with her tonight.

"Aang….I..."

But just as Onji was about to continue to stubbornly persist him to carry out his promise of sexual fulfillment, Aang gently let go of his grip on her and turned his back on her. Onji merely looked on as Aang made his way into the restroom and closed the door behind him as though Onji were merely a pest to him. He didn't even want to look at himself in the mirror; passing it by as he feebly reached for the tub handle and turned it around, a sharp squeak emitting from its base as water began to flow from its faucet.

As the bath continued to run, Aang proceeded to take off his shoes, followed by the worn rags that used to be his pants, followed by his underwear. As he wearily glanced down at his nudity, he took a small cloth and placed it underneath the running water; squeezing away its excess as he lightly tossed it open. He then wrapped the damp cloth around his middle and index finger and gently placed it over his genitals; making soft, circular motions as he began to clean himself. The motion that he was doing on top of the crease of his member's head automatically made the young Avatar reminisce of the moans and gasps that escaped Katara's mouth as he hungrily rubbed her sweet spot; then his thoughts took him to the moment in which Katara screamed his name as he passionately made love to her. That night echoed through the young Avatar's mind as he continued to wipe away the dry, sticky remnants of the ebony beauty that remained on his limp length and testicles. But just as quickly as his thoughts of that fateful night reappeared in his mind, it just as swiftly disappeared; making way to the remembrance of her powerful sobs and cries when he refused to return her love. He squint his face at the mere thought of her melancholy; feeling angry and disappointed at himself for letting things between him and Katara escalate the way they did that night. As the tub finally filled to its maximum capacity, the young Avatar slowly made his way into its comforting warmth; he watched on as the warm water washed away the last bit of the water bender that was left on him, and couldn't help but mutter an apology under his breath as if he could somehow verbally communicate his remorse to her from his location.

"I'm sorry Katara…."

I made just one sketch for this chapter, here's the link:

http :/ img535. imageshack. us/img535/1820/sheartw. jpg

(I changed a part of the image; Aang's head was bothering me, lol)

This chapter was a difficult one for me to write; I hated pulling the rug from under all of your feet, but it had to be done for the sake of the plot that I had planned since I began writing this story. And as you all may have noticed, this chapter is a lot shorter than the recent ones I've posted; that's because I'm treating this particular chapter as a prelude for what's about to unfold in the upcoming chapters. Stay Tuned…