Hesitation: Chapter three; "Mages who don't rely on magic only".

"Standing on my own
Remembering the one, I left at home
Forget about the life, I used to know
Forget about the one, I left at home

I need to run far away
Can't go back to that place
Like she told me
I'm just a big disgrace"

It has been four months since she abandoned the Imperium to visit Carver and Mother, more or less. She had to check on her calendar, the ship made her kind of dizzy and once they landed the unpleasant presence of Danarius welcoming her made her turn, lean on the ship and throw up. Just what she needed wasn't the creepy old man around after such unpleasant birthday party.

They were sitting in the table and mother broke in tears. When Hawke tried to get up after getting her 'party' soured, mother jumped up and threw on her face the content of her glass of wine using her lecturing voice just to repeat: "Don't lecture me! It was your fault!". Carver left afterwards, with an acid expression.

Landing with such bitter memories made her just want to jump off the ship and drown. Instead Danarius and Hadriana rushed to her placing their hands on both her shoulders. She kind of appreciated that, then just remembered they were people who couldn't be trusted and elegantly moved their hands off her shoulders.

-I wasn't... expecting this. -Hawke mumbled, burying he fingers into her curly messed mane. The taste of bile roiling in her mouth, mixing up with saliva and giving to her tongue a more unpleasant flavor than before. She could feel her throat burning, her nostrils as well waiting, expecting, another wave of vomit crawl up her esophagus. Which never came.

The girl forced herself to smile, involuntarily looking for Fenris who was leaning against a post, looking even forced in that situation than her. Somewhat seemed that he changed.

Hadriana locked her arm around hers and she just could do nothing but stare at that arm, awkwardly as everyone could notice. Then shook her off as stepped backwards, her hand shoved deep into the pocket of her black pants. Again, turned around, that missing wave of vomit decided to run and abandon the comfort of her stomach.

-Do me a favor, don't touch me. -She gasped cleaning the sides of her mouth with the side of her palm. Danarius interrupted.

-Are you okay, Messere Hawke?

-I'm perfectly okay. Just seasick. -Was her harsh answer. Leaving them behind as she swift to pick up her luggage, a simple bag stuffed to the point it would explode in any moment. Nobody expected she could lift such terrible weight but she did and with long rushed steps abandoned the scene.

-Follow her. -Danarius sneered at Fenris who, reluctantly obeyed as he commanded.

The door violently slammed its frame after her entrance, the luggage literally flew against the wall and Hawke threw herself into her bed.

Her mod wasn't good, but the sight of Danarius and Hadriana just when landing on the Imperium again made it worse. Even the time she spent with Varric and the others now seemed so short and small compared to all the time she had filled with problems and lectures. Instead of being grateful for all her efforts Leandra Amell spent the short time she spent in Kirkwall to restart the guilt trip directed like fireballs to her eldest daughter.

But she wouldn't spend any more time mopping. Hawke took off her clothes and had a long relaxing bath before dry herself, barely, and get her home clothes on. Her short sleeveless white tunic adhered to her wet flesh which with the heat of the summer was more like a relief than an annoyance. She had to do her concentration exercises, so her steps went towards the garden and she sat under the shadow of a big apple tree folding her legs and letting her wrists rest over her knees, inhaled the scent of heated grass and chlorophyll deeply filling her limbs then let out all the air filling them into a deep sigh. Her fingers tangled while she created a little flame adobe her palms, a small flame which the point of it was to keep it all day without ever turn it off or make it bigger.

Few hours later Hawke could swim in her own sweat yet she remained immobile with the little flame dancing over her palms. Her long hair was stick on her skin and her breath was becoming heavier making the flame shiver. But she didn't move a inch until the sun hid in the sea sinking the capital of Tervinter in the darkness which welcomed so grateful. Ending that session of training, the young Ferelden mage clapped her hands and laid on the warm grass grunting with disgust yet she rolled on it like a playful cat would, her eyes then met Fenris who been staring from outside all day long.

-I was starting to wonder when would you stab me while I was trying... to ignore that handsome elf staring. -She teased squirming through the grass with a smirk, rolling over herself to lay on the ground her arms folded under her chin as cushion. Surprisingly Fenris awkwardly laughed.- Did Danarius send you?

-In fact I was ordered to follow you.

-I bet you're hungry. Hungry and dehydrated. Get in, anyway the door is open but I bet you already knew it's unlocked. -She seemed not to care a little bit. About anything at all. Instead she got up and walked into her house expecting him to follow her and he did, of course. Hawke was grabbing few towels from the bathroom, her kneeling figure was into a wardrobe and he could only see her waist followed by her hips and her dainty legs. The short skirt of her white tunic was adhered to her skin making very hard to any man not to stare. Yet she seemed unaware. Or maybe she didn't think he'd strip her naked and brutally rape her because he was a slave?

Fenris ran one of his hands through his wet hair with a silent sigh, then Hawke tossed him a white towel. He couldn't help but inhale the jasmine scent it had, the same scent she seemed to naturally have but then unlike the past time she was keeping some distance between them.

-And I bathed right after get home...-She complained with a barely audible tone, making him smirk. So she wasn't avoiding him because any sense of danger. Certainly she didn't stop to think Danarius could have send him to kill her. Careless.- I only have fruit. Are you okay with fruits, Fenris?

-Yes. I am. -He said calmly, unlike the last time he sat in one of the chairs. She seemed quite pleased with that and somehow that pleased him too. After realizing many things after Danarius left him in that island with the rebels, tasted the freedom and then when he was back Fenris killed all of them... wasn't the same. He knew it and was struggling for his freedom. Until then he was swallowing his hatred and the need to run away.

-I noticed right away you were acting different. Where's the "I hate you" glare? -She was peeling an apple as she spoke, actually he never had anyone serving him before so the situation of a famous mage who his former Master wanted to bed urgently was greatly pleasant. Although she wouldn't see him like a slave or as if peeling fruit for him was serve Fenris, but he did.

So... Concerned.

Fenris wasn't used to that kind of behavior nonetheless coming from her was growing fondly of her attentions and cares. He never felt so rightful than when Hawke was talking to him so naturally without give him any order yet she remained cautious about Danarius trying to not mention him that much. She didn't seem scared but troubled about getting into terms she couldn't resolve. Yet, remained with feigned ignorance about how badly his Master wanted to tie her down his bed.

She planted a bowl with fruit in front of him, once her hand was free she licked her thumb before sit in front of him. Fenris felt like a teenager about to blush and nervously took a slice of a pear with his fingers biting it intently, so intently he caught his own fingers making her giggle. She picked with her bare hands a slice from her own bowl, he couldn't look anywhere else at all.

-I was at Sheheron. Danarius' face when the ship had no room for a slave was... priceless. -She stopped chewing and swallowed silently now paying total attention to him.- I was with the rebels, they helped me... and I killed them all under Danarius command.

-Is there anything else in the Imperium than slavery, orgies and blood magic?

He grew silent and glanced at her. The line of the elf's jaw hardened as much as his dark green eyes disapproved her with a short glare quickly placed on the bowl full of food now.

-I said nothing. Please, once you're done... Leave.

Her fragile fingers hurried to massage her scalp, the thumb rolling on her white skin pearled with sweat due her concentration training under the summer's sun. She lowered her gaze, flustered. The blush spread on her cheeks as if it was being painted with delicacy. Fenris took a hand full of the content of the bowl and stood on his feet before storm off her house. After all... she was a mage. A crawling out of the Void demon. They worry for no one but themselves.

Once the door almost broke due how the elf slammed it, Hawke glanced down on her bowl. She couldn't have helped him, Tervinter's laws were different than in Lothering, Ferelden or Kirkwall. Her lips drawn a thin line, the tips of her fingers pushed the appetizing food to the edge of the table letting the bowl scatter, break into ten thousand shards. That would keep her in her place, she was no longer meant to help anyone but herself. Yet it was sad she couldn't help a single man to get out of his misery but the threads were connecting everything and if she played well her cards maybe it wouldn't be too hard to keep herself alive.

Rules of the Empire.

Chapter thirteen: Duels.

When a magician challenges another, must be holder of a title.

The traditional situation that leads to a duel often happens after the offense. Whether real or imagined, one party would demand satisfaction from the offender. [...]The challenger must purchase an official form from the circle, then acquire the permission of three Magisters which will sign and approve the challenging form. Then the regulation of duels will analyze and assess, if they approve of the duel then a date will queued.

Each party would name a trusted small group of representatives (which number shall not exceed five and ranks shall be equal meaning one can't bring a group of Magisters and the other plain mages without rank.[...] Yet if one of the mages rejects to bring support into the duel, the other doesn't forfeit the right to.) who would, between them, determine a suitable "field of honor". It is also the duty of each party's representatives to check that the duel was fair. Representatives role became may be specific, to make sure the rules were followed and to try to achieve reconciliation, if that's the case and both parties agree to not celebrate a duel, the one who started all the legal requirements must pay a fine. [...]

Conditions:

Duels are to the death (or "a la outrance"), in which case there will be no satisfaction until one party is mortally wounded. Tervinter's Imperium won't allow a non-finished duel where one part doesn't kill the other.[...]

Once the duel is finished, the winner will dispose of all the belongings of the other party. Meaning: Properties, title, livestock, and studies.[...] The winner will then have the belongings transferred (if the one who lost held a superior title/rank) once the burial or any honorific services are done which will be decided by the winner.[...]

So do I have a chance? I don't know if I can whip him off, doesn't look so strong but still the title disturbs me. I do have motives? I do. I'm the offended part. Do I have the money? I do. Do I have the Magister's assured signatures? No. I wouldn't enjoy fighting five Magisters at same time, or maybe I do. The sense of hazard it's dangerously making me want to run to the circle and get things done.

Autumn arrived to Tervinter. After the usual doing, Hawke wasn't nearly tired yet and her blood bumped hard in her veins as trained in the backyard, not with magic but actually with the staff. It swung side to side cutting the air as the shapes of crescent moons swift hitting a bush then her leg quickly rose kicking a invisible enemy rolling on her own axis. Kicking again which the position of the invisible person knee joint was she slammed her staff against the trunk of a tree then used it to impulse herself backwards. Burning all her stamina still far to get her worn out.

She grew used to have Fenris spying around, she could sense him around before catching her doing physical training and just awkwardly stood feigning some magical training and when he appeared that evening she was sitting under the tree in a so un-lady like position. Her legs spread at her sides and her elbows resting on her knees, her chin lift a little bit to glare at him for a moment before turn her head down releasing the air out her limbs.

-Spying is a ugly thing, you know. -She jested leaning into a more comfortable position, her pants seemed to become tighter as she arched her back against the rough wood.

-I have orders.

His simple reply made her laugh. Hawke ran her fingertips through her hair pushing it backwards and let him see her red face covered in sweat.

-Then just tell him I'm already spoken for. -She said, with a smirk curling the right side of her full lips.

-Name? -Fenris maybe sounded a little too concerned but she didn't care a little bit. Not at that moment.

-Bianca.

-Is that you... are into women?

-Keep this between us.

Fenris turned on his heels and walked away surely still processing her words.

-And it works every time, Varric. -She mumbled to herself getting up to cook her dinner.- Nobody stays to listen that Bianca it's a crossbow.

It didn't take much until he came back totally choleric. She was nibbling a lettuce leaf when he shut the door open yelling that she fooled him. Hawke bit on her lettuce leaf, chewing it totally staring at him with empty eyes as if mimicking an animal, the green veggie hanging by both sides of her mouth as she ruminated.

Exasperated Fenris slammed her table.

-Did you get ordered to destroy my cheap furniture, Fenris? -Yet Hawke wasn't even blinking which was very disturbing.- No... really, if you want to break random stuff I have dresses you could totally shred. I'd have a excuse to not wear them.

-Don't mess with me!

-Or what? -Hawke tilt her head, silently swallowing. Then retired the rest of the lettuce from her mouth and dropped it to the floor.- If you have the guts to come here, spy on me, claim that you been sent by Danarius and then bang my furniture you should have the guts to face the fact I'm not nice all the fucking time and there's worse stuff than me going to complain about your behavior to your Master.

-You despise him as much as I do! -He bitterly laughed pointing at her.

-Don't push your luck, "little wolf". -Hawke snarled throwing at him the sliced lettuce resting on the counter and he was powerless to do anything, she knew it, he knew it. The green slices stuck on his hair, wet and dropping making him look even more pathetic.- You all are getting on my nerves: The creepy pedophile, the whimpering weasel and you, I need space, give me a break, for Andraste's flaming knickers!

Fenris fell on his knees and looked at her, the sight of a totally broken man overwhelmed the tempered mage who just like him fell on her knees and bowed her head hardly breathing properly. She did it again.

Her blue-grayish eyes sunk on the floor with sliced lettuce leaves spread all around there, mostly over Fenris' who was tense like a wolf prying his target which was her about to cry but just a single sob emerged from deep of her throat making him look at her with the biggest surprise ever.

Hawke realized she jumped to her ugly side just like usually happened with Carver when the stress was too much to keep holding on something that didn't exist as could be a lovingly family. Since father died, all the responsibility fell heavy on her shoulders. What did her mother think she was, a replace for a father? Everyone depended of her, making everything worse and having to bury her temper and wishes underneath a smile. Feigned smile. Hollow smile.

After the momentum Hawke stood on her foot silently, elegantly and strong. All she had to do is keep the façade. As always. Remaining in silence she glanced at Fenris by the corner of her eyes.

-Before you or me do something we'll regret, like rip off each other's chest out, I wisely advice you to leave and keep your mouth shut about what just happened. Mostly for your own safety once you're back at his side. Nothing happened here and I haven't seen you because I'm a stupid unaware mage who spends all the day reading books. -She advanced towards him, leaning softly as she picked out all the lettuce off his hair and armor joints. He remained immobile as she did so, never anyone touched him so carefully as if trying to avoid his skin like it was lava. Her hand was shaking but not with fear, it was something more deep. Fenris was merely a slave and had no right to ask what was wrong.

-Will do. -Sharply added the elf getting up then tossing her hand away.-

-Hate me, like everyone else does. At least your fierce look will remind me why I remain here. -And these were her last soft spoken words, barely audible while he left her home. Once he was gone her voice lowed even more.- Remind me why I must cling to this miserable life.

"Whatever happens, I'm a big girl. Everyone says I'm strong. You know I'm that kind of person who clings to life like there's no tomorrow. To kill me they'll need a damn legion. Don't worry, I'm still here. It's not like it's gonna be a immediate thing. I just wanted to tell you."

So I must endure anything. I cannot unsay what's said. I shall keep my words. That's my personal oath.

Author notes: It's going slow, I know. Chapter by chapter I'll be giving new details which will help to understand Hawke the better. I know my English isn't perfect, since I'm not even from a country where it's spoken like is Spain. Even so, I enjoy writing and reading to improve. I hope you all like this fanfiction... And if is so, please give me a review ;D