A/N: Normally I don't update this quickly, but for some reason, this story is just flowing from me! Thanks for all the reviews; I take each one to heart and I love to toss around your input in my brain when I'm writing...it's almost like you're all here forming this story with me. I know we all want to see our favorite gals together, but there's more than a couple bumps along the way. I try very hard to keep everything fresh and as original as possible, while keeping the characters as "in character" as I can. Constructive criticism is always welcome; don't be shy; it's how I better myself in my writing! I hope you all enjoy this next chapter, and as always, leave me your thoughts :) All rights to TNT, JTam, Tess, etc.
Two beams of light flashed into the darkened living room, and Maura got up, heart pounding in her chest, and floated over to the windows, her fingers lightly pulling back the curtain. The detective's dark squad car was parked outside, and through the dark, Maura could see the dark haired woman sitting in the car. She let the curtain flutter back into place.
Jane was nervously rubbing her hands, the ache almost unbearable. She clenched her fists, before taking a deep breath and opening the car door. Her slipper clad feet hit the cement of Maura's driveway, and she shut the door quietly. Jane took a deep breath and raised her fist to the door. Before it could make contact, the door swung open, and Maura Isles stood in front of her. The slight wind rustled Jane's dark curls, blowing a few wisps across her face, and she tucked them behind her ear.
"Jane," Maura said softly, clearing her throat, and she remembered her manners. "Please, come in." She stood back from the door, her arm gesturing inside as Jane passed in front of her. The smell of lavender wafted by Maura, and she inhaled the sweet smell. The pounding in her heart calmed slightly at the familiar reminder of Jane. She sighed. I've missed you.
Jane sat down on the couch in Maura's house, sinking back into the cushions in her familiar way, while Maura took a detour for the kitchen.
"Can I get you anything to drink?"
"I suppose you don't have any of my beer anymore." Jane chuckled, then her eyes widened in surprise at the bottle that was placed on the end table next to her. Maura sat on the other end of the couch, tucking her legs underneath her and tipping her bottle back, earning a smirk and a raised eyebrow from Jane. "So, you drink beer now?"
"Some things have changed Jane."
"Yeah." Jane looked down where her hands were insecurely wrapped around each other, and Maura followed her gaze, her heart surging with an ache knowing Jane was hurting. Her instinct was to go to Jane and take her hands in her own, but she held back. She had no right to comfort Jane anymore.
Maura placed her bottle on the table nearest her, and clasped her own hands together. "I'm sorry you had to come out here so late Jane, I just called without thinking really…"
"Maura, it's fine. I've always been just a phone call away, you know that." Jane looked down at her lap again, pangs of regret and remorse clenching the muscles around her heart, squeezing until she felt she couldn't breathe. Minutes went by in silence before Jane finally broke.
"Maura, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know an 'I'm sorry I shot your father' apology doesn't cut it, but please, just let me explain. I have so many regrets of those days leading up to the shooting in the warehouse Maura, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of how I could have done things differently. If I had been at the hospital with you instead of in bed with Gabe, if I hadn't confided in him, if I hadn't taken that shot, things could be so different. When you screamed at me…god Maur, that was the first moment that I started hating myself. It was my cop instincts that made me pull the trigger. I am trained to protect and eliminate threats. What I saw was a man firing a gun, and my best friend and partner in the building. The second I pulled the trigger, I had second thoughts. I started wondering if I did the right thing, if I could have handled it better, then maybe your father would still be alive." Jane looked up, her eyes brimming with tears, and Maura's heart broke at the sight of the broken detective.
"Jane-"
"No, Maura let me finish. You had every right to be angry at me. I just…after you left…I kinda…I've missed you Maura." Jane looked down at her lap once more, tears now falling freely from her dark eyes, and she felt a dip in the couch, and Maura's hands came into her sight as they clasped around hers.
"Jane. Look at me."
Jane shook her head, until Maura's hand came up to cup her face, and raised it to meet her eyes.
"Jane. Open your eyes." The dark eyes fluttered open, the dark brown pools wet with tears. "I forgive you. I forgave you a long time ago."
A tear trickled from the corner of the brunette's eye, and Maura's soft thumb brushed it away. Jane closed her eyes, leaning into Maura's touch. The medical examiner felt her insides do flip flops as she brushed away the rest of Jane's tears. Jane opened her eyes, dark eyes searching hazel, as her eyebrows scrunched in confusion. "Y-you what?"
Maura dropped her hands and sighed, pulling away from Jane, her thoughts a jumbled mess. Jane deserves to be told the truth. You cannot lie to her Maura, you've never been able to lie. And I would definitely prefer not to start hyperventilating tonight.
"I forgave you about as soon as it happened Jane. I knew inside that you were doing your job, and that was it. There was just a lot I was dealing with emotionally; I needed some time." Maura winced at how transparent her words were, but Jane didn't seem to notice.
Jane's face tightened as her hands moved to grip her knees. "Then take some time off of work like a normal person Maura, instead of quitting your job with no explanation! All this time, I thought you hated me for shooting your father, but now I find out that it was just to deal with some emotions you couldn't handle? I needed you Maura, and I thought you needed me, but you just walked away as if I was nothing to you! You didn't even say goodbye!" Jane's voice had raised in an accusatory tone, but her voice cracked over the last sentence, and Maura visibly flinched as the words cut into her, feeling her chest tighten. "And then I found out I was pregnant, and I didn't even have my best friend to tell about it."
Maura closed her eyes and prepared herself. "I know, Jane. I know it was bad timing, but I had to go."
Jane's eyes grew to the size of saucers. "You, you knew?" she exclaimed incredulously, getting to her feet, not caring that tears were flowing from Maura's eyes. "You fucking knew, and you left anyway!" She strode quickly to the door, and Maura followed her, panic beginning to set in.
"You don't understand, Jane, please." Maura was sobbing now, and Jane shook her head.
"You're right, I don't understand. I don't understand how we were ever friends, because I don't know how I could be friends with someone like you." Jane spat venomously at the woman who was on the verge of hysteria, her breath coming in erratic gasps. "You know what Maura, I can't even look at you right now. I'm sorry, this was a mistake."
"No, Jane don't go, please don't go!" Maura was begging with her, her hand reaching out to try and get a grasp on her sweatshirt sleeve, but Jane shrugged her off.
"Why Maura? Give me one good reason why I shouldn't go," Jane said coldly.
"Because I love you!" Maura cried in desperation. She couldn't afford to lose Jane again.
Jane let out a cold laugh. "Yeah Maura, you sure acted like it."
"When Barry told me you were pregnant, I knew I had to leave. You and Agent Dean had a chance to make a life with each other and your baby, and I couldn't get in the way of that."
"That's a bullshit excuse Maura, and you know it! How could you do this? How could you do this to me?" Jane was yelling now, and she could feel her pulse skyrocket higher than the volume of her voice, her blood boiling at the pangs of betrayal that threatened to overcome her body. Her breathing quickened and became shallow, and she felt as if someone was smothering her.
"I was just trying to do what was best, Jane!" Maura pleaded desperately, her face in her hands, feeling the hot tears soaking her slim fingers.
"The best for who, Maura?"
"The best for you and your baby!"
"STOP SAYING THAT; THERE IS NO BABY!" Jane shrieked hoarsely, hysteria setting in as her breathing turned quickly into short pants, and her chest constricted. Maura's face turned immediately from confusion to etched concern as she reached out swiftly to catch Jane as she crumbled in her arms. Maura eased them down to the floor as gently as possible, whispering soothing words as her friend finally released the pain she had been holding onto in her arms.
Jane sat weakly in the far corner of the couch, her eyes bloodshot from too many tears, and she sipped slowly from the glass of water Maura had brought her. Her face still shone with the tears still falling from her eyes; she didn't think her body was capable of producing so many tears. She shuddered briefly and Maura put her hand on her thigh, finding tense muscles that relaxed slowly under her touch. Looking into Jane's eyes from where she was kneeling on the ground in front of her, she saw such unmasked pain and vulnerability that she almost recoiled; she had never seen this from Jane before.
"I was in my 11th week, and I was working a really tough case. I had been in for an ultrasound at 8 weeks, and the doctor said the baby's heart rate was a little low, but he said that was normal in the early stages of pregnancy. He advised me to try to relax and cut back on my hours at the precinct, so I started coming home earlier, but I felt like a caged animal. I started taking work home with me and would spend time on the phone with Frost pouring over details and bouncing ideas off of each other. I convinced myself this was only temporary, until the possibility of a miscarriage was less likely. Then I started getting really painful cramps." Jane's eyes became unfocused, and her tone became flat and distant. Maura felt the tears on her own face, as she placed her hands over Jane's once more, stilling the nervous habit of the detective, and instead, she stroked her thumbs over the slightly puckered tissue she found there, only a visible reminder of some of the pain Jane had experienced in her life. Maura knew from a medical standpoint the physical symptoms and processes the body went through physically during a miscarriage, and her thumbs continued their ministrations on Jane's hands, providing a lifeline to brunette. "It took an entire week and a half for the bleeding to stop."
"Oh, Jane."
Jane began to openly sob, unable to stop the tears once again. "It was just like that. That was all it took, and my baby was gone. Just like that. And…my best friend was gone. My whole world had ripped apart." Jane put her head in her hands, and Maura rose from her knees, tucking one knee up on the couch next to Jane, and the dark haired woman slumped forward, and Maura wrapped her arms tightly around the woman, placing one hand behind her head and the other around her back, cradling Jane to her chest as the woman cried.
"I'm here sweetie, shhh. You haven't lost me. I'm here, and I will never leave you again. I promise." Maura placed a kiss atop the unruly curls that tickled her face, feeling Jane's tears hit her chest, and she closed her eyes, feeling hot tears stream down her own face, and she rocked the broken woman in her arms. "That's it, just let it out. I've got you."
They stayed like that, limbs and bodies entangled with each other for what seemed like forever. Maura's eyes were closed, her embrace on Jane never slacking, until she felt the taller woman's body begin to relax and her grip on her silk pajama top loosened. Maura hung on, knowing Jane needed this, needed her, to be there for her. I would do anything to take her pain away. Soon, Jane's breathing evened, her head became a dead weight on Maura's chest, and she knew Jane had fallen asleep. I wonder how long it's been since she's slept. Maura continued to hold her, waiting until she was certain the detective was sound asleep, and she stretched her legs out, recognizing the familiar tingling feeling of paresthesia, but she didn't care. The honey blonde eased her body down the couch, and Jane subconsciously settled easily between her legs, letting out a soft whimper in her sleep. Her head was tucked securely in the crook of Maura's neck, and Maura sleepily began to trace circular patterns on Jane's strong, muscled back, causing the sleeping woman to relax, and as her body went limp atop Maura's and the medical examiner's eyes began to close in exhaustion, she couldn't help but think that this was how it should be.