A/N: It took a while, but here's an update! Reviews are love, and I own nothing. A couple lucky bitches that go by Tess and Janet do. Enjoy!
I don't really know why I'm writing this, but here I am. Broken. I don't know how I'm holding on to be honest. I feel empty. Completely and utterly empty. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. People always think that I'm this big, tough detective, and I am. Or, I was. I don't even know if I want to be a detective anymore. My life has been uprooted and flipped completely upside down. This job that I thought I loved has brought me nothing but heartache and loss. How am I supposed to go catch the bad guys when I think I'm one of them? I've shot countless criminals and each time it was in the line of justice, for the greater good. But this time, this time was different. I'm not sure I did the right thing. The look on Maura's face…I felt my world crumbling down around me. My world began falling even more when I found out I was pregnant. I didn't know how I would do it. My job and life is not exactly compatible with raising a child. And then to top it off, she left. Just gone. I killed her father, and now she's gone. How could I go on when the person that keeps me going is missing from my life? I have no idea where she is, if she's even in the same country as me anymore. I'll never be able to tell her that I love her. She said that to me once, after a disaster with Tommy, and my heart just melted. I should have said it back. Damn me for not saying it back. It's always been Maura. She's always been the one with the power in my life. When she left, I realized this. She makes me, and just as easily, she can break me.
And here I am, childless, and the one person I care about more than anything else in the world, is gone. I don't really smile anymore. I don't feel happy anymore. I miss her. I miss feeling like she's got my back, and I've got hers. I miss the movie nights at my apartment. I miss going to the Robber after a tough case, and that cute way she'd wrinkle her nose at my beer even though she never tried it. I miss the obnoxious way she would correct me constantly, even though half the time I was just pretending to be clueless so she would launch into one of her random speeches, spewing off random facts that I got to tease her for. And then when I did, she'd smile at me. And oh, that smile. I would do anything to get a smile out of her. Sometimes, I would do it on purpose just to catch a glimpse. That smile could brighten up one of my darkest days, and I have had a shitload of those. Somehow, she always knew what to do to heal me, without her even knowing. I wouldn't even have to say a word.
Maura was always the one I went to when things got tough. Just being in her presence I felt safe, I felt like I was coming home. I didn't want to feel this way, we were best friends, and I felt as if I was crossing a line. But when I thought about it, I just realized that line just slowly turned into more. My friendship that I felt for her just turned into more. I would do anything for Maura, even now. We never talked about that day in front of the department, when Bobby Marino had me out there. I never once thought about myself. It was Maura. Frankie too, but my mind just kept repeating to itself that I had to keep Maura safe, no matter what. Because if I lost her, I couldn't forgive myself. But I guess I lost her anyway. I was trying to keep her safe at the warehouse, and even though I knew Paddy Doyle wouldn't have shot her or myself, one ricochet and…I couldn't risk that. I could never risk Maura. I should have told her sooner, before it was too late. Even if she could never love me back the same way, I could have at least told her how much she means to me. I don't do that with people. It was always easy to keep things to myself, because the less people know about your thoughts and feelings, the less they can use them against you. But I should have told Maura. When Hoyt took us in the hospital that day, I felt as though I were dying. My throat closed up and I couldn't breathe. All I could see was Maura's beautiful, tear-streaked face, sobs shaking her little body, and even then, I couldn't move. He wanted to hurt her in front of me, make me watch as he destroyed the one beautiful thing in my life. When he went to her, something switched inside. Physical strength I didn't know I had surged through me, and I had to protect her. After that, we pretended nothing happened, but that night after the party, she stayed late to help clean up, and nothing was said. Nothing needed to be said. She crawled into my bed with me and we just laid there. No words were spoken that night, but we needed each other. I needed her. I was awake far after she had fallen asleep, just listening to her breathing, needing that reassurance that she was still there.
I lost the baby two weeks ago today. It was the most painful thing I've gone through, even after Hoyt. I had planned on telling Dean right after I found out I was pregnant that he didn't need to feel obligated to stay with me, hell, I'd be more than capable of doing it on my own. I didn't ever want a relationship with him. I can't sleep, I can't eat. Ma has been staying with me, sleeping on the couch at night, and I don't even want to see Dean. I know he's grieving too, but I just can't bear to see him. He reminds me of every mistake I made with Maura. The only time I feel anything is at night, in the solitude of my own room, where I let myself cry. Sometimes I cry for the baby, the little boy or girl I will never get to meet, other times it's for my best friend. Most of the time, it's a combination of the two. I know she would have stayed with me, she would have been with me. I wanted nothing more than to fall into a hug and let her hold me, but instead I just locked myself in my apartment. I don't want anyone but her. Sometimes, when I'm not having nightmares, I'll dream about her. I'll dream that we're back on that park bench, and the the wind is playing games with her blonde curls. Sometimes I dream that she comes back…because she loves me. But those only moments of happiness that I have are fleeting, because they only exist in the small part of my subconscious that isn't plagued by nightmares and the horrors of reality. That's what it is now. Sometimes I wonder if I can wake up from reality, and this will all have been one terrible nightmare. I don't know how long I can keep this up, because without Maura, and no baby to live for, what is there keeping me here?
Tears streamed from Maura's eyes and a quiet sob snuck out of her throat as she read the true anguish of Jane's soul, spilled out onto this paper, and she could tell just how broken-hearted she was by the small spots on the page where the ink had smudged and the paper wrinkled, the telltale signs of water damage. Jane poured herself into this paper, leaving the trace of her sorrow in the form of dried tear drops on the page. Maura's own tears dropped to the page, and she hurriedly tried to brush them away. She looked at the display of pictures around her. There was a picture of her and Jane at Jane's birthday party. Angela must have taken it, because Maura didn't remember it being taken. Jane and her were in a tight embrace, Jane's eyes were closed and her nose buried into Maura's blonde tresses. Maura had her hand entangled in the black curls on the back of Jane's head. Maura smiled weakly at the bittersweet memento. Jane had kept it tucked away because of the pain that it caused her to look at what once was. Maura's eyes found another picture on the bed. The black and white mass of swirls were marked as "8 weeks" and her trained eye immediately zeroed in on the tiny fetus. Jane's baby. Her eyes stung as tears sprang to them again, and she let the letter fall to the bed as she swept across the room and out the door of Jane's apartment, not even bothering with her shoes or jacket. Taking the steps two at a time, she ran outside into the rain, looking frantically down the street both ways. The water was pouring down from the sky, and her hair began cling to her face.
"Jane?" She yelled, desperately trying to be heard over the din of the rain. "JANE?"
"Maur?" Maura whipped her head around at the sound of the raspy, disbelieving voice as her eyes zeroed in on Jane's lanky form coming towards her, Jo Friday close at her heels. Maura hurried towards Jane, as fast as she could in the dress she was wearing, and she stopped about a foot away from Jane.
"Maura, what the hell are you doing out here? You don't have shoes or anything!" Jane's voice cracked in the higher register of surprise and complete bewilderment at the sight of her friend in front of her.
"Jane Rizzoli, there is only one thing in this world that I need. It's not shoes, it's not a dress, it's not even finding my birth mother. It's standing right in front of me. And it's been right in front of me for the longest time. I love you Jane Rizzoli, now don't you dare ever think about giving up, because I need you." Maura felt the prick of tears at her eyes, but she never felt them fall because the raindrops were sliding down her face. Her hazel eyes watched Jane's face go from total shock to disbelief, and then it crumbled.
Maura's heart dropped in concern as she watched her detective's strong facial muscles quiver. "Jane…what is it?"
"Damn you, Maura Isles." Jane closed the distance between them, her strong hands gripping the medical examiner's shoulders firmly but gently as she pulled her closer, as if she were holding a baby bird. Jane's left hand trailed softly along Maura's shoulder, tracing her collarbone and moving up to cup the shorter woman's cheek. Jane's roughened thumb stroked Maura's cheekbone, and Maura closed her eyes as tears spilled from them. She opened her eyes as Jane moved her other hand up so she could cup both cheeks in her hands, and her thumbs dashed away the tears that had leaked from Maura's eyes. Warm, chocolate brown eyes looked deep into searching hazel, and Maura found herself staring straight into Jane's soul. Jane had let herself be completely vulnerable, completely unguarded, and more naked than any lack of clothes would allow. "Maura Isles, I love you."
Hearing the words Maura had only dreamt about wrenched a sob from her throat but was quickly silenced as Jane's head lowered to capture her lips in a kiss so fierce it ripped the breath out of her lungs. She whimpered into the brunette's mouth, her arms winding around Jane's ribcage to circle her back as she sagged against the woman that had haunted her dreams and her reality. Maura felt Jane's mouth press harder against her own, and she yielded eagerly, opening herself to take all Jane had to give her. Jane felt the air sizzle around her, the electrical current creating a field of energy anchoring them together, as she released Maura's bottom lip from her teeth, breaking for air. Jane felt Maura's lips trail down her jaw, collecting moisture from the raindrops that had gathered there, her mouth open as she panted heavily. Jane's knees buckled suddenly from the gravity of the moment, and Maura was quick to tighten her hold around her.
Lightning suddenly cracked from the sky, lighting up their world as the two women clung to each other as if they were afraid to let go. Jane's body began shaking as sobs wracked through her body, and thunder echoed in their ears and Jo Friday began yapping. Maura was jolted back to earth as she cradled Jane tenderly. Standing on her toes and tilting her head up so she was even with Jane's ear, she whispered to her, and the two made their way inside, Jo Friday following at their heels.
Maura still had one arm wrapped around Jane, who was trembling uncontrollably, and she eased them inside, the water forming a puddle at their feet as she felt for the first time how soaked they were.
"Come on Jane, darling, we have to get out of these clothes." Maura led her to the bathroom, throwing a look over her shoulder at Jo, who had given herself a violent shake before lying down obediently on her dog bed. For once, Maura didn't care about the mess they were making of the floor as the water continued to flow down their legs from their clothes, leaving a wake behind them. Finally making it to Jane's bathroom, Maura sat the brunette down on the toilet seat, dashing back to Jane's room to grab them dry clothes. She rummaged around in Jane's drawers, pulling fresh undergarments out on a second thought. Maura heard the water running from the shower and knocked on the door.
"Jane?" Maura's soft voice flowed under the crack of the door, reaching Jane's ears and the brunette felt a pull in her stomach as she stood under the spray in just her bra and underwear. Silent sobs shook her, and Jane put her hand on the wall of the shower to steady herself as her legs trembled underneath her. Soft hands slid around her waist, and a warm body pressed firmly up against her back as she shook.
"I know Jane, I know."