"Commander, I wondered if we could…." Kaidan Alenko stopped in his tracks at the scene that greeted him. Commander Shepard was leaning up against the side of the display shelf in the middle of her quarters, and Lieutenant James Vega stood just inches away with his hands on her hips. They were looking at him; Shepard with a mix of embarrassment and irritation, Vega with a glare of annoyance. Shepard attempted to break away from him, but Vega grabbed hold of her and planted a firm kiss on her lips. Then he released her, and turned to leave with a cocky grin on his face.
"Major." Kaidan's eyes followed him out of the room, his disdain evident. His gaze lingered on the door until the sound of Shepard clearing her throat brought him back to his original purpose.
"Did you need something, Alenko?" When he turned his attention back to her, she had already composed herself.
"I wanted to talk to you. Joker said…." He trailed off as he came to a realization, then inwardly cursed himself, and Joker. "Joker said you were up here." Shepard nodded and took a seat at the small table in the room, and gestured for Kaidan to do the same.
"So, talk. I've certainly never denied you that right." Kaidan took a seat across from her, and took a deep breath to calm himself.
"I apologize for…interrupting." Shepard let out a dry laugh and shook her head.
"Perhaps I should. James is…impetuous. Though it's one of the things I enjoy about him." Kaidan glanced away for a moment and wrung his hands, gathering his thoughts.
"Right. About that…. I guess…you and I…. I mean, are you together with him, now?" Shepard carefully studied his expression. He was confused, agitated, and clearly wanted only the answer he desired to hear. But he'd certainly never pulled his punches with her before, and she was tired of tip toeing around his feelings.
"I suppose we are. James…is a great comfort to me. I would appreciate it if you'd leave him alone. He hasn't done anything to you." Kaidan suddenly slammed a hand on the table.
"Of course he has! He's taken you from me. Shepard, I…. I wanted us to be together again. I thought you did, too." Shepard frowned and shook her head.
"Kaidan, you act like he went behind your back and stole me away. You were the one who made it quite clear you didn't want to be with me. What else could I expect from your words on Horizon? Was I supposed to wait for you to change your mind? While your words ate at me inside?" Kaidan opened his mouth to argue the point, but closed it immediately and hung his head; he couldn't offer up a genuine excuse. He changed his line of thought.
"We were happy though, then, weren't we? You didn't want that back?" Shepard looked down at the table and was silent for a long moment. A deep sadness seemed to darken her face, and she looked back up at a nervous Kaidan with eyes pained with loneliness.
"When I was with you Kaidan, I was sad. Even though I loved you, I always felt there was a strain on our relationship. Something held us back. It was lonely. I was always lonely, even when you were at my side, even when I was wrapped in your embrace. You were so obsessed with protocol, and back then, I was, too. With James…James makes me forget that I'm Commander Shepard. When we're alone, and he looks at me, he sees Shepard the woman, not the soldier. And I need that. Especially right now. We could all be dead tomorrow. James makes me feel alive." Kaidan stared at her in shock. Her words stung him, shattered him, and regret suddenly filled him. If she had wanted him to change…. Well, he didn't think he could, and it was too late at any rate. He was a soldier through and through. He'd thought Shepard was, too.
"Is that really a good idea, Shepard? Is this really the time? When we're in the middle of a galactic war? There's a lot on the line, here. And it's not a good example for the rest of the crew." She gave him a small smile, knowing he wouldn't understand.
"That's exactly why. And don't tell me what's good for my crew, Kaidan. I know that better than anyone. They're staring death down on a near daily basis, defying it, knowing their luck is bound to run out at some point. They've seen friends and loved ones die, they've seen whole planets fall. Before, when we fought against Saren, we knew what we were up against, and were confident we could win. It's not like that anymore. Our enemy now is beyond our comprehension. We're racing against time, and it's running out fast. No one knows what things will be like when they wake up in the morning. How many more planets have fallen, how many millions have died. Do you really expect me to tell them that in the face of all this, they're not allowed to find a small piece of happiness because of protocol? It doesn't mean anything anymore."
"But Shepard, those rules are there for a reason. They're there to keep the soldiers disciplined." Shepard sighed and stood up, began slowly pacing across the room.
"Everyone needs a reason to fight, right? They all know what we're fighting for in the grand scheme, and that at the core, we're fighting for Earth. We can all talk about fighting to take Earth back, but sometimes we're on the other side of the galaxy. It doesn't seem like it with the mass relays, but the distance is really unimaginable. And we're not just fighting for Earth, we're fighting for the entire galaxy, for Palaven, for Tuchanka. For every species, every planet. Mordin said to me once, that people need a personal connection to what they're fighting for. Something to bring it home, provide a reason different from everyone else, something that brings meaning to you and no one else. If they can find that on the Normandy, I won't stop them." Kaidan considered her words for a moment, then spoke again in a quiet, but very serious voice, thinking back on his own experience when he thought she had died.
"And if one of them dies?" Shepard sighed and looked away from him, directing her gaze instead to the ridiculously large tank filled with colorful fish.
"Then they will fight all the harder against the ones who took that away." Kaidan stared at her for a moment in disbelief.
"Shepard, you sound as if you're trying to manipulate your crew into fighting this war." She turned back to him with a sad smile on her face.
"I am. They're scared, Kaidan. I'm scared. And this war is exhausting. I need to keep them motivated any way I can. So yes, there is an intended side effect. War makes us cruel, Major, and there's only one person on this ship who makes me feel like I'm not the monster I think I am. Who brings me some small amount of peace to temper the storm." She sat back down across from him, and several minutes passed in silence. Kaidan gazed at her thoughtfully, remembered their time serving on the SR-1, how she had been just as engrained in Alliance regulations as he. Then two years later, when he continued their fight within the Alliance, while she worked with Cerberus. And now, they were both back with the Alliance, as he had always been and always would be…but she was different. She was an Alliance officer, but she ran things like she commanded her own private army. Like she was alone in this battle, and only she could win this war. And the more he thought about it, the more he realized the truth of it. It wasn't her ego; everyone had pinned their hopes on Commander Shepard, and she was struggling to find a way to rise above rank and position and become the hero they all wanted, to do what was necessary to accomplish what needed to be accomplished. He was starting to understand, but he knew he couldn't walk beside her. He could only follow along, like everyone else, and wait for her to point him in the right direction.
"You've changed, Shepard." There was some disappointment in his voice; he had begun to realize that his Shepard was an ideal she couldn't match, because she was willing to adapt and change, to see the bigger picture and take the advantage. He had missed his chance, and had been gone from her side for too long to catch up. Shepard let out an empty laugh.
"I'm sorry if I've disappointed you, Major." Her voice dropped to just above a whisper. "But for what it's worth, I loved you then." Kaidan rose from his seat and gazed down at her with a bitter smile.
"For what it's worth, I loved you, too. And I want you to know, I won't get in the way." She smiled at him, a little brighter this time, relieved that they had finally had a real talk. His heart fluttered, as it always had when she smiled at him, but he quickly tamped down his feelings, something he'd have to learn to do now. "Good night, Commander." Without lingering a moment longer, a broken-hearted Kaidan left the commander alone with her thoughts.
Shepard remained seated for a few minutes after he left, lost in memories of the past. When she finally rose, she walked over to her desk and pulled out a photo frame she had hidden away. It flickered to life in her hands, displaying an image of Kaidan from several years ago, smiling out at her.
"Commander, everything OK?" Joker's voice startled her from her thoughts.
"Were you listening?" she asked, clearly irritated that such a personal conversation might have been overheard.
"No ma'am," he immediately replied, eager to stay her temper. "Lieutenant Vega came by and said the Major had come up to your quarters looking pretty serious, and asked me to check on you once he'd left. I just saw him walk through the CIC." Shepard sighed, letting her brief flash of anger subside, and even managed a smile.
"Everything's fine, Joker. Thanks."
"Sure thing, Commander. Joker out." As the comm speaker clicked off, Shepard looked down at the photo in her hand one last time. A photo from a time now long gone, but no less important to her. She couldn't bring herself to get rid of it, but she didn't need it displayed as a constant reminder, either. Not when she was finally moving on.