Dancing with Vega, chapter 8: Reflection
"What am I? Am I real? Am I…me?"
He had stood silently behind Shepard while she pondered the state of her existence. They had heard some…strange things from those Cerberus logs. He had wanted to say something, really, but he wasn't very good with deep thoughts, or coming up with anything really meaningful on the spur of the moment. He was better at witty, meaningless banter. He had utterly failed to provide her any comfort as she stared blankly at the video screen. All he had managed was a hand on her shoulder, which only served to snap her back into action, pushing aside the emotional turmoil within. Following after her, he had silently cursed himself. Useless. Inútil. Idiota. Cabrón. But he knew he had to focus on completing the mission, so he'd pushed his emotions aside, as well. However, he'd had plenty of time to think on the shuttle, as Shepard talked quietly with Miranda over her omni-tool, discussing what they had found; while EDI blanked out and spooled information together; and he rode in the back, wincing slightly with each jostle of the shuttle from a particularly good kick Kai Leng had got in, sure he'd have a nasty bruise later.
Now they were back on the ship, and Shepard, after a few simple orders, specifically an order to Joker to head straight for Earth, had trudged off to her cabin alone. Always alone. He wished she would come to him, but knew it wasn't her style to show anyone any weakness, even him. If he wanted to get her to talk, or let him comfort her, he was going to have to go after her. He was going to have to convince her to open up, to give voice to her fears before she exploded from tamping them all down. That was her way, and he'd seen her fall apart because of it before, when she thought no one was watching. If she thought she was a machine, the surest sign that she wasn't was the vulnerability that occasionally slipped through the cracks of the wall she buried everything behind. He understood, but he also knew that she tried to carry too much on her own. He didn't want her to cry alone. Or to drink and drink hoping to forget everything, like he had once done. It didn't work. Neither did forcing yourself to be strong. But if she wanted to put on the tough girl act in front of the crew, he didn't care. As long as someone was around to support her when she struggled, to put her back together when she broke into pieces. James wanted to be that. To put faith in her when she needed it most, to pull her back from the abyss when she fell too far…like Anderson had done for him. Like his uncle had done before that. And so, after stowing his gear, with a frown over the new scuff marks where attacks had worn through his shields, he headed up to Shepard's cabin.
When he entered the cabin, the unlocked door sliding open as he approached, he couldn't see her at first glance. She didn't appear to be in the room. Wondering if she'd already left during the time he was removing his armor, he turned to leave, and saw the bathroom door open. Shepard was standing in front of the sink, staring at the mirror. She hadn't noticed his presence. He cleared his throat quietly, and her gaze slowly drifted over to see who had interrupted the silence.
"Oh. James." She forced some semblance of a smile onto her face. "Can I help you?"
"I wonder." He stepped forward and leaned against the door frame, watching her carefully. "What are you looking at?" She blinked at him, confused by his question.
"Looking at? Just…making sure I got all the sweat and dust off my face."
"Uh huh. Would help if you turned the water on and gave it a rinse." His voice and face remained serious, with not a hint of his usual joking manner. Shepard's eyebrows pinched together and she frowned, realizing she'd been caught.
"All right, so I hadn't started yet," she mumbled, as she reached out and turned on the faucet, only to stare down at the running water. James sighed and stepped into the bathroom, moving in to stand next to her. He reached down and turned off the water, then tapped the mirror to get her attention.
"Look. What do you see?" Shepard sighed, but stared back at herself. Staring back at her was a woman, weary and haggard.
"I see a Commander who wishes her Lieutenant would make his point, if he has one." James huffed in frustration. He placed a hand firmly on her shoulder, and pointed at her reflection with the other.
"That person in the mirror is Commander Shepard. The same Commander Shepard who took down Saren and Sovereign at the Citadel. The same Commander Shepard whom Admirals Anderson and Hackett have entrusted the fate of humanity to since day one. The same human woman who gained the respect of a Krogan who now speaks for his entire race. The same woman who uncovered the Reaper threat, who was shot down by a Collector ship, who destroyed that Collector ship. The woman who played card games with me while she waited for a court martial. Who danced with me in front of the whole crew in Purgatory. The woman who slept in my arms last night. They're all the same person. They're all Commander Shepard. And you are Commander Shepard."
She listened to his speech in silence, staring back at herself as he listed off her accomplishments. She remembered them all, but that didn't mean much. Machines could be programmed. And why couldn't the Illusive Man know all of those things? He seemed to know everything about her. So she said as much to James. He was silent for a moment, deep in thought, though his eyes stayed locked onto those of her reflection.
"I don't buy it, Lola. Even if he'd bugged the entire SR-1 without the Alliance knowing. There are certain things that are uniquely you, that people who know you would notice. Everyone has that. And I know the Major sees them. Scars sees them, too. And they've known you the longest, they've been the closest." He slipped an arm around her waist, leaned in and breathed in her scent; sweat, gun smoke, and the faint lavender scent of her shampoo. "You're real, Lola. You ain't no machine. You're warm." His arm squeezed around her waist. "You're soft." He smiled. "And you smell like…cielo. Paraíso."
Shepard smiled for real then, though it was small, and some of the tension left her body. James was fairly simple minded about things, but he really had a way with words sometimes. And somehow, he knew what she needed to hear. And never forgot to flirt a little to top it off. She watched his reflection, studied him for a moment; his warm and gentle eyes, the hint of a smile that curled his lips as he felt her mood shift. Being around him caused all of her walls to crumble. Or, well, opened a gate somewhere, at the very least. As he laid his cheek against her head, and his fingers lightly stroked her side, her mind drifted to their more intimate moments together, and the feelings he stirred inside her; she came to a realization, and the words came tumbling out.
"James…when I'm…when I'm with you. When we're together. I feel really alive. It's the only time I've ever really felt that way. There's a fire that ignites within me, a raging inferno coursing through my veins. It's so…different, than being in the middle of a battle. The rush of adrenaline is different. Battle is so…conditioned, reflexive. It's tactics, life-or-death decisions, quick thinking. I don't feel entirely…human. There's no time to be human. But more so now, since Cerberus…rebuilt me. I can tell they made some improvements. I feel like a machine out there. Too powerful, too fast. My reflexes are quicker, my body acts on its own. Huh…now I kind of understand what Thane was trying to tell me back then." She grew quiet then, and her eyes became wet with the memory of the Drell, though she quickly blinked them clear as James's voice stirred her from her thoughts.
"You'll have to tell me some time."
"Hmm? Oh…yes…. It has to do with their souls being separate from their bodies, which can act independently. It's interesting. It's not entirely the same, but, I understand it better now." She sighed and leaned against him, grateful for the warmth radiating from his body, the breath tickling her hair, the rumble of his deep voice in his chest. James was certainly alive. And though she would probably never admit it out loud, she was grateful he had come up to the loft to check in on her. She could have been standing in front of that mirror, silently staring back at herself, through the entire night. Trying to find something there. Something that James was already pointing out for her, and helping to clear her mind so she could realize it herself. She had told Kaidan once that James made her feel alive. She meant it. And she meant it now. James didn't care so much about the barriers that had kept her and Kaidan from working out. In fact, he plowed right over them. "James…."
"Yeah, Lola?" He pulled back slightly to look down at her, as she tilted up her face to look at him. As she stretched up the short distance to bring her face closer to his. As she pressed soft lips to his own. His arm tightened around her waist as her lips lingered, and he hummed contentedly. "Mmmm…what was that for?"
"For being you." She smiled and ran a hand across his broad chest, leaning in to kiss him again.
"Hmm, well, I'll have to do that more often, when I figure out how." He chuckled softly, smiling against her lips, and shivered slightly as her fingers traced the outline of his pectorals beneath his shirt. He wasn't entirely sure what she meant, but she was placing light kisses on his lips, his jaw, and down his neck, which were quickly befuddling his mind. "Uhmm…Lola…." He let out a heated sigh and pulled her against him, tilting his head as she nuzzled his neck, his free hand coming up to stroke her neck with a calloused thumb. She rested her head on his shoulder, her warm breath caressing his neck, and leaned against him. He moved his hand to her hair and gently held her head against him, while his other arm tightened its embrace. For several minutes they simply stood there, James holding her tightly to him, Shepard resting against him, listening to his heart pound in his chest. He was doing his best to comfort her how she wanted, but the kisses she had placed across his skin had gotten his blood boiling. After a while she stepped away from him, looked at herself in the mirror once more, and let out a sigh. Then she grabbed the bottom of her shirt and lifted it up and over her head, tossing it out the bathroom door. James stared at her, eyes wide.
"Uh…Lola?" Without a word to him, Shepard pulled off her sports bra, undid her pants, and then slipped out of those, as well. He gulped as she stepped out of her underwear. "Uh…should I go, or…?" With a small smile and an inviting look in her eyes, she reached out for his hand and pulled him after her, stepping into the shower area of the room, and turning on the water. She shivered as the burst of cold hit her, though it quickly warmed up, and she pulled James into the spray. His eyebrows creased as the water soaked his clothes, but it seemed she was ready to remedy that, as her hands began to remove his shirt. He watched as she tossed it aside and moved her hands to his pants, and chewed his lip as she slid his pants and underwear off him with a few tugs. She tossed those aside as well, then slid up his body, the sensation of her hardening nipples along his skin warming him more than the water, and wrapped her arms around his neck. He felt his blood rush down as she pressed her wet body against him, making him grow hard. "Um…whoa…Lola, I…."
Shepard stretched up and kissed him once again. "Just shut up," she murmured against his lips, "and help me clean up." She bit down on his lower lip and he nearly lost it. With a quiet growl, he backed her up against the wall, pinning her against the cool metal with his body. The sudden cold of the metal on her back sent a shiver up her spine, but then a fire ran through her as she felt one of his thick fingers slide inside her. She gasped as his finger stroked her, and again as his other hand ran down her wet neck and gripped her shoulder, as his lips sucked her earlobe. Her fingers trailed down his body, outlining muscles, until they wrapped around his shaft, making him groan, and he pressed her shoulder into the wall, breathed hotly against her ear.
"I thought you…wanted to clean up…." She whimpered softly as he slid another finger into her, and wrapped a leg around his thigh.
"The water's on…isn't it?" In response, James tilted his head back into the warm water, letting it pelt his face and run down his chest. It slipped between her fingers, letting her easily slide her hand along his erection. With a moan, he slowly returned upright and began pumping his fingers insider her earnestly. She softly cried out as he pressed his thumb against her sensitive nub of nerves and searched for the sensitive spot within her. She lost her grip on him and he moaned in protest, bit down on her shoulder in retaliation. With a cry of surprise, her hips jerked forward against his hand, and as he kissed and sucked on the injured skin, she tightened around his fingers and shuddered with release. Panting, Shepard leaned against the bathroom wall, letting her orgasm ebb out, as James removed his fingers and rinsed them in the warm water. During his momentary distraction, Shepard slid down the wall and grasped his thighs with her hands, pulling him close. He glanced down in time to watch her place warm lips on the tip of his erection, and his knees almost buckled as she slowly eased him into her mouth.
"Ahh…carajo!" He quickly raised his hands and pressed them to the wall for balance, his heart beating almost as fast as the water thumping his back. As she twisted her tongue around him, she slowly slid her lips up and down. James let out several deep moans at the feel of her mouth around him, her soft tongue massaging his shaft. The vibrations from her occasional soft moans drove him wild, and he soon reached down a hand and tugged at one of her arms. "Lola…up here…." He groaned as she slowly slid her mouth off him and stood up, letting her body rub against him as she rose, a smile on her face as she licked the water and the salty flavor of him form her lips. "Dammit, Lola…." Wasting no more time, James grabbed her thighs and lifted her up with a slight grunt, pinning her to the wall with his hips, letting his throbbing erection rub against her warm entrance. He wrapped her legs around his waist and gripped her thighs tightly, and grabbed one of her hard nipples with his teeth, grinning at her pleasurable gasp as he flicked it with his tongue. "Hold on, Lola." He pushed through her tight entrance and moaned as her warmth enveloped him.
"Ahhh! Nnng…." She squirmed against the wall and brought her hands to his shoulders. His large arms did not need her help to support her weight, but he'd told her to hold on, and as he began pumping into her, she was glad she'd listened. The force of his thrusts was moving her body against the wall, and she struggled to hang onto him. She wrapped her arms tightly around his neck and leaned her head forward, pressing it into the side of his face, her hot panting tickling his ear. His mouth kissed at her collarbone, teeth grazing her flushed skin. "James…." She breathed out his name and he pushed harder, deeper, slamming her into the wall. She cried out at the force and he quickly shifted her weight, allowing him to slip his arms behind her back as a buffer. Lifting up his head, he captured her lips as he quickened his pace, slipped his tongue in and tangled it with hers. Her limbs tightened around him and her inner walls squeezed against him, and she moaned against his lips as her body shuddered with another orgasm. As her muscles contracted around him, he gave one final, hard thrust, and climaxed with a heave of his body and a loud shout. For several moments, James held her in his arms as they both panted in the steam filled bathroom. Then James carefully set Shepard back on her feet, and kissed her forehead, her cheeks, her lips.
"Think you're clean enough, yet?" He smiled and brushed her wet hair from her face. Taking his hand, she pressed it against her face and smiled in return.
"I think I need a few minutes. Can you wait in the room? Ah…your clothes are…." Her eyes searched for his clothes, which were in a sopping wet heap on the floor. He followed her gaze and let out a chuckle.
"It's fine, I'll go lay them out to dry with yours." After a lingering, gentle kiss, he drew away from her, gathered up the wet clothes and a nearby towel, and walked out of the bathroom. Shepard smiled after him, thankful that he'd been there to save her from herself once again. When she left the bathroom a few minutes later, a towel wrapped around her body, she found James lying in the bed, likely nude, as all of his clothes were laid out on the nearby table along with hers. He was leaning back against a pillow, arms behind his head, head nodding, and eyes drooping. Laughing softly, she had to agree that he had the right idea; a good rest wouldn't be so bad right now. She might even be able to sleep after their conversation and love making in the bathroom. Love making. She blushed a little at the thought as she neared the bed. Hearing her approach, James's eyelids raised slightly.
"Lola…." He shifted in the bed and held out an arm for her to join him. She dropped the towel onto the floor, which elicited a small, sleepy grin from the man in her bed, and climb under the sheets next to him, snuggling into his side. The muscular, outstretched arm wrapped around her and held her close. There was safety and peace in his strong embrace; she was sleeping a bit better on nights he slept in the loft with her. She worried his presence might become a crutch, but as the Normandy headed back to Earth, she didn't care. She wanted some safety and peace before they all walked back into hell.