AUTHOR'S NOTES: Right up front I want to state that this story is going to be a lot darker than my usual stories and will have themes of self-harm and repeated suicide attempts.
If you're uncomfortable with things of that nature, I understand and I won't take it personally if you don't want to read this one.
Also, the song lyrics I include at the beginning and ending of the chapters are from my personal music library and have been selected because I feel that they fit the tone of the chapter in question.
STORY SUMMARY: Abuela Alma's confrontation of Mirabel did more than break the house apart-it also split the family. While everyone else gathers around Mirabel and a newly reunited Bruno, Alma finds herself cut off from them.
ENCANTO: Stand By You
Chapter 1
"When you're high on emotion
And you're losing your focus
And you feel too exhausted to pray
Don't get lost in the moment
Or give up when you're broken
All you need is somebody to say
'It's okay not to be okay'"
-Demi Lovato & Marshmello
The euphoria of seeing the candle burn brighter and the cracks in La Casita Madrigal disappearing buoyed Mirabel's mood, even as her abuela, Alma Madrigal, stormed into the courtyard, demanding to know what was going on.
"Abuela, it's okay!" Mirabel said at once, an elated smile on her face as she watched her grandmother's astounded expression. "We're going to save the miracle! Look, Isabela wasn't happy, and I know you're going to say it's because I ruined her proposal, but she needed me to ruin it. And then she said she doesn't want to just grow pretty stuff anymore-"
"Enough, Mirabel!" Abuela snapped, angrily, bearing down on her youngest granddaughter. Pointing to the cracks still in the walls, she went on. "I don't know what delusions you've been feeding the family, but this is not helping the miracle! Ever since you started 'helping' the family, you have done nothing but make things worse! The cracks started with you. Bruno left because of you. Luisa is losing her powers and Isabela is out of control because of you!"
Mirabel could only stare as the Madrigal Matriarch went on. "I don't know why you weren't given a Gift, but that is no excuse for you to hurt this family!"
"Abuela, stop it!" Isabela shouted, defensively, rushing to her little sister's side and pulling her close as tears slid down Mirabel's cheeks. Trying not to cry herself, Isa turned to her grandmother, anger pricking her like rose thorns as she spoke. "Mirabel's telling the truth! This isn't me being 'out of control'. This is me... trying to be what I want to be instead of what you want me to be."
"Maybe I don't want to be the strong one anymore," Luisa asserted, going to stand next to her sisters as Isabela released Mirabel. "Maybe I want a chance to figure out what to do with my own life."
Try as she might, Mirabel couldn't hear her sisters defend her.
She couldn't hear her mother join them, pleading with Abuela to stop as the Madrigal matriarch continued her verbal attack.
She couldn't hear the rest of the family finally standing up for what they wanted to do with their powers.
All Mirabel could hear was her own heart breaking and the cracks in her voice as she looked up at her grandmother and quietly murmured, "You never wanted me around after my door disappeared, did you? When I didn't get my Gift, that's when you realized I was useless in this family... isn't it? I will never be good enough for you, will I? No matter how hard I try."
"Mira, just because you don't have a Gift-" Julieta began, looking hurt when Mirabel cut her off.
"Mama, you will never understand how much it hurt me every time you say that!" Mirabel sobbed, angrily. "All I ever wanted was to be just like everyone else in the family! I'm not like Papa or Tio Felix! I was supposed to have a Gift!" Whirling about to confront Abuela, she went on. "And you have no idea how much I wanted-needed-to make you proud of me! I have done everything I can to earn your approval, but you don't care! You don't care about how much pain I've been in for the past 10 years!"
Before anyone could stop her, Mirabel bolted from the house, racing through town towards the mountains. As she felt the ground shake, she didn't even look back, focusing on getting as far away from the casita as possible. As she saw the mountains break, she felt fear for what that meant for the encanto, but at the same time, she saw an escape, a way to hide from her family for as long as she needed to.
Standing in the rubble of her home, Alma just stared as she looked at the piles of stone and masonry while the rest of the family checked on one another for injuries.
It had all happened too fast to process.
One minute, Mirabel was running out of the house, then everyone in the family was yelling at one another, mostly at her, and then the house shook violently, and the cracks spread like wildfire before Casita began pushing everyone outside.
A sharp slap across the face from Julieta brought Alma out of her reverie and sent her reeling to the ground. As Dolores helped her to her feet again, Alma stared in disbelief that her own daughter had had the audacity to strike her.
"How could you say those horrible things to Mirabel?" Julieta shrieked, balling her hands into fists just as Pepa darted forward to hold her back. "This is all your fault!" she accused, gesturing to the fallen house as hot tears streamed down her face. "My little girl is lost somewhere out there because of you!"
Agustin dashed over along with his daughters, as well as Camilo, Antonio, and Felix. "Juli, amor, we'll find her." Turning to Isabela and Camilo, he took charge as he instructed, "The two of you should check the town. Luisa, why don't you and Felix start looking in the forests around the house? Dolores, could you stay here and look after Antonio and Abuela? Maybe Mirabel will come back."
Dolores nodded, helping her grandmother to sit down on what had been the front steps of the casita. "Of course, Tio. And we'll try and figure out somewhere for all of us to sleep tonight."
"That's my girl," Felix smiled, gently, kissing his daughter's forehead.
Taking his wife by the shoulders, Agustin waited until some of the fiery anger burned out of Julieta's eyes before he spoke. "Let's go to where the mountains broke. Maybe Mira tried to go through the gap."
"I'll go with you," Pepa volunteered, shooting glares at her mother before the three of them headed towards the border of the encanto.
Exhaustion finally claimed Mirabel and she collapsed on the bank of the river, drifting in and out of consciousness. She needed rest before going further and when she tried to plan her next move, she found that her brain wouldn't work properly.
With what little strength she had left, she curled up as best she could and succumbed to slumber, wishing she'd never been born.
X
When the dawn finally broke, Mirabel groaned lightly as she stirred, surprised that she felt warm and safe.
Raising her head and looking about, she sat up when she saw Tio Bruno sleeping next to a fire nearby and a horse tied to a tree 10 feet away from him. Looking down, Mirabel's eyes widened as she saw that she'd been covered with her uncle's ruana.
Pulling the worn fabric closer as the memories of the previous day washed over her like a flood, Mirabel pulled her knees up to her chest, sobbing.
"It'll be okay," Bruno promised her as he joined her, pulling his sobrina into a comforting hug. "You're okay... I'm just glad I found you."
"I'm so sorry...," Mirabel wailed, holding on to her tio. "I didn't want to hurt us... I love our family, but..."
Bruno nodded in understanding. "But you don't think they love you," he finished. When Mirabel looked up at him, sniffling, he shrugged, two of his rats popping out of the collar of his shirt and scurrying over to Mirabel who began petting them absently. "That's how I felt when I 'left'. Back at the house, I overheard Julieta accusing Abuela that I left because she only saw the worst in me. She wasn't wrong..."
Mirabel took a deep breath to steady her nerves. "I just wanted to be... You know to really feel like I was..."
"...part of the family..." Bruno murmured, sadly. "I-I-I don't know how much this means to you, but-but... I do know how you feel." Pulling away a bit so he could face Mirabel more directly, he went on. "All the stairs in my room? Those came from... from how isolated I felt from everyone. How separated I felt from my family... It's like I was part of them, but..."
"...but not really," Mirabel concluded. Looking at the river, she sighed. "It's peaceful here."
Not questioning Mirabel changing the subject of conversation, he nodded. "It is. You'd never know that, 50 years ago, this is where a newly widowed young mother was given a miracle."
Mirabel straightened up a bit, looking at Bruno in astonishment. "This is where Abuelo Pedro was...?"
Bruno nodded as he closed his eyes, remembering the first horrible vision he'd had...
There was no elaborate ceremony when the Madrigal triplets first received their Gifts.
The doors had simply appeared shortly before their 5th birthdays and when they went to bed that night, Julieta, Pepa, and Bruno had opened the doors to their new rooms and found that they now possessed magical abilities.
Bruno's first vision had given him a close look at the past and he'd cried as he saw his father's murder and his mother's wailing cries of despair as the mountains rose up, surrounding the land and protecting the people inside from harm.
"Your Abuela has been lying to herself and the family for years," Bruno concluded as he told Mirabel the truth. "The Gift ceremony... the way we have responsibilities to the town and the miracle... It's all her futile endeavor to... to make my father's death mean something."
"But why would she do that?" Mirabel wanted to know, not entirely sure she understood.
Bruno turned his attention back to the river. "Because if Pedro Madrigal's death was a sacrifice, meant to save his family and those who followed him, then it was an honorable death, worthy of remembrance, and everyone should do their very best to uphold what the candle stands for. But the truth is... it was a senseless murder, committed by cruel men who would have slaughtered all of us without a second thought. And what's worse... it could have been anyone who sacrificed their life that night."
The question that had been haunting Mirabel ever since her door disappeared came out before she could stop it. "Tio Bruno... why didn't I get a Gift?" she asked, a little afraid of what the answer would be. "Was it because... because there was something wrong with me?"
Bruno considered the query for a moment, trying to think of the best way to reply. "I don't know the real reason you didn't get your Gift," he admitted at last. "I have my own theory, but..."
"What is it?" Mirabel wanted to know, desperate for any possible answers.
Looking at Mirabel for a moment, Bruno took a deep breath and explained. "The more I thought about my father's murder as I got older, the more it changed how I viewed the Gifts themselves. Mi Madre was in so much pain about losing Papa... I started to wonder if the magic came from him somehow."
Thinking on that, Mirabel nodded as she considered her mother and tia's powers. "The Gifts were about helping Abuela through her grief?" she asked, thinking about her sisters and cousins.
Giving a shrug, Bruno nodded as he glanced at the river. "Over and over... Papa gave his wife someone to help her open up about what she felt... Her anger, her pain, her sadness... But she never listened. And then you came along, Mira. And suddenly, Mama was confronted by someone who had no magic. She was supposed to see you, not your Gift, or lack thereof. But all she saw of you... and me was how the miracle made a mistake."
After a while, Mirabel's curiosity began to get the better of her and she asked, "How did you know where to find me?"
Scratching absently at his left forearm, Bruno took a deep breath as he replied, "It's what I would have done. I didn't know if you were just running away or... O-Or finding somewhere private to..."
Mirabel stiffened slightly as she realized that Bruno probably knew all about the horrible ways she'd tried to 'cope' with being a Giftless Madrigal. "Dolores always heard me," she confessed at last. "She said that she heard the sounds of the knife against my skin." Touching the various scars on her own forearm, Mirabel tried not to be angry at her prima. "She told me the next time she caught me cutting myself... she was going to tell Mama. I tried... I-I just wanted all the hurt and pain and disappointment to stop."
Thinking on his own moments of self-harm and suicide attempts, Bruno only nodded in understanding. "Drinking was my favorite," he said at last. "Alcohol just burned away everything... But it cost me plenty as well. Pepa's wedding? It started off fine enough... until I got drunk at the reception, rambled about Pepa making it rain because she was crying tears of joy for once... She sent me back home and... and I proceeded to nearly drink myself to death."
"Dolores always kept an ear out for me after the first time," Mirabel mused, ruefully. "The second she heard my heartbeat start slowing down and it wasn't related to sleep... there she was, putting something Mama cooked into my mouth." Looking down at her scars again, she tried not to start crying again. "I stopped trying to commit suicide, but the cutting... That's an addiction I can't let go of."
Her mind going towards what would happen when she went home-or to whatever was left of their home-Mirabel found that she didn't want to be anywhere near her grandmother. "I'm not going back," she announced. "I'm not... Abuela is never going to change and... and I can't live in the same house as her if she's going to treat me like I'm... like I'm a worthless piece of nothing."
"We'll talk to everyone about what to do when we rebuild the house," Bruno assured his sobrina. "We'll tell Abuela that if she wants to be a family with us, things will have to change."
Before Mirabel could say anything else, she quickly shot to her feet when she heard her mother's voice.
"Mirabel!"
Bruno was standing up just as Pepa dashed forward, sweeping him up in a crushing bear hug. "H-Hey, Pepa... I-I missed you, too." When Pepa finally set him down, he had barely a moment before Julieta grabbed him in an embrace that was somehow even stronger. "Juli... I can't breathe..." Bruno croaked, patting his sister's back as she released him.
"Mama, how did you find me?" Mirabel wanted to know as her mother hugged her.
"The smoke from the fire," Julieta pointed out. "And we thought maybe you... You tried to leave the encanto, just like Bruno did."
Nervously scratching the back of his neck, Bruno hesitated for a moment before looking at his sisters and brother-in-law. "Yeah, I, uh... I guess there's some things we need to talk about, aren't there?"
Studying her daughter closely, Julieta noted how Mirabel was trying to cover the scars on her left arm with her right hand and she felt her heart clench. For years, she'd seen the marks on her little girl's skin and she'd never pushed the issue when Mirabel had refused any attempts at healing. "Mira, what I've done to you... you and Bruno... None of us can take back the last 10 years. And the pain you've been in that I've been blind to..."
"It wasn't about getting attention, Mama," Mirabel pressed, lightly. "And it wasn't always me trying to..." She stopped quickly, her eyes widening and her heart rate speeding up as she saw the look of horror in her mother's face. "I-I-I felt like there was something... poison in me... something wrong that kept me from being a real Madrigal. I wanted to cut it out. I wanted the bad part of me to go away."
Tears streamed down Julieta's face as she stepped forward, wrapping her daughter in a hug. "You're not bad, mi vida! You are kind and brave and you give this family more love than we've ever tried to give you! I love you so much!"
"I spent too much time telling you that I understood how you felt," Agustin admitted after Mirabel and Julieta broke apart a bit. "I should have asked you what you were feeling. I didn't listen to you, amor. I promise that I will do that more often from now on."
Mirabel looked at her Tia Pepa and was surprised when she hugged Mirabel as well. "I wish I could have given you my Gift," Pepa confessed, smiling sadly. "All the pain and storms building up inside of you... If anyone had seen that they would have known you weren't alright. I'm so relieved that we found you. I don't know how I would have explained to Antonio if you were... I-I mean, if you had..."
"If I'd killed myself," Mirabel finished, hugging Bruno's ruana close as she saw the looks from her parents, tio, and tia. "I thought about it. I really wanted to... Before I passed out here by the river, I realized Dolores couldn't hear me if I ended my life. I know you're trying to help, but... But those thoughts aren't going to go away overnight... Neither is the desire to hurt myself."
Taking a deep breath and embracing her daughter once more, Julieta tried not to start crying again as she pleaded, "Don't go away, please, Mira? The thought of losing you forever...? My heart couldn't take it."
Feeling a hand on her shoulder, Mirabel turned to look at Bruno who gave her concerned look. "Suicide doesn't end pain, Mirabel. It just passes it on to everyone else. Please give us another chance to make things right."
In the middle of a massive hug from her parents, Pepa, and Bruno, Mirabel couldn't help but wonder if maybe... just maybe... this was the seed of a new miracle.
"Hands...
Put your empty hands in mine
And scars: show me all the scars you hide
And hey, if your wings are broken
Please take mine 'til yours can open too
'Cause I'm gonna stand by you"
Rachel Platten