Despair has its own calms.

Dracula, Bram Stoker

Chapter 12 - Owning Up

Emmett and Rose appointed themselves my guardians after the debacle in front of our building. No one got near me without their permission, specifically Mike.

Of course, me not leaving the flat made that pretty easy.

For ten days I stayed inside, thinking, dissecting, and second guessing. I only left out of desperation.

Once because we ran out of toilet paper. Once because there was no more wine. And twice because a good Cadbury milk tray and malteasers soothe all pains.

Or at least numbs them for a little while.

My cell phone rang incessantly, so I turned it off. Flowers showed up every day from Mike. I told Rose to throw them away.

She probably would have thrown the letter out had I not seen it lying on the floor by the front door.

I cried when I read it. I cried for me, for Edward, for Maggie, but most of all, for what could have been. I couldn't compete with his memories. He said that maybe she was preparation for me. I doubted that. The simple fact that his initial attraction was based upon my resemblance to someone else pretty much cemented how unlikely it was. He may have developed feelings for me after the fact, but I would always know that they were due to my resemblance to someone else.

I would always be second to a ghost. That was not a fight I could win. And yet part of me couldn't help but want to fight.

It was easier to craft her memory into a nemesis. The great arch rival. It was easier to justify my hatred of a person that I didn't even know.

I felt a bit like the protagonist in Rebecca. How ironic that I had just read it, for the parallels were unnerving. She rushed into marriage with a man she hardly knew after a few weeks of friendship, only to be haunted by the ghost of his dead first wife. I

rushed into bed with Edward after knowing him for just a few weeks, only to find I looked just like his dead childhood sweetheart.

And that is when I realized that I didn't have anyone else to blame. It was my fault for rushing in. I let an extreme physical attraction turn me around, confusing desire with some other emotion. There was no way to develop feelings that deep in less than three weeks. It wasn't logical.

What guarantee was there that what I had seen of him was even real? It could have all been some carefully crafted façade.

And with that realization came a more personal one. Edward brought out feelings and needs in me that I had never experienced. I became a different person with him. It was exciting and exhilarating. I think I liked that person and what she could have been.

Yet to be her, I needed him. It didn't work solo.

And there in lies my quandary. Edward had pursued me purely based on my resemblance to someone else. He had every opportunity to come clean up front, and he'd simply spun a bigger web of deceit. I'd asked him who Maggie was, why hematology. He chose not to answer intentionally. He'd even used my attraction to him as way a to distract, deceive. How could I trust anything from either of us after that?

And then to have Mike standing on my doorstep, a reminder of exactly what I didn't want to go back to, merely reinforced the precarious nature of my current state. I had changed, and I didn't want to be the girl that I was a year ago. But in trying to be something else, I fell flat on my face. It was easier to hide away and wallow than face the fact that this was all my fault. Yes, Mike and Edward had made mistakes too. But at root, I was the one who continued to wipe out. I made the bad decisions; they simply enabled me.

Emmett and Rose, while trying to be helpful, were really no better. They stepped in, picking up the pieces while creating a protective barrier around me. They kept Mike at bay while I pulled myself back together. I know that they did it to protect me, but in protecting me, they only further reinforced a harsh realization.

I don't want to be a china doll. They didn't need to protect or coddle me, I needed to learn how to cope on my own..

Yet to say that would be ungrateful. What Rose and Emmett did, they did because they cared about me. Their intentions were pure. I made sure Rose knew how grateful I was for her support. She tried to get me to open up about what happened with

Edward, but it was so embarrassing to talk about it. It was bad enough admitting it to myself. I didn't want to see the look of pity on her face.

In their way of protecting me, they never left me alone. One, if not both of them, was always around, always there to lend a shoulder, buck me up, try to make me laugh. But Emmett and Rose attempting to coexist in the same space for my benefit was a painful experience. After more than a few verbal sparring matches, they agreed to alternate their time.

Tonight, she was out with Royce. He was taking her to some dandified social affair. At least that's what Emmett called it. He decided we should do the exact opposite, insisting that there wasn't much better in life than Chinese take out and watching a movie.

We sat on the couch with take out containers and chopsticks, watching Bram Stoker's Dracula. It had actually been Emmett's idea. He said it had been ages since he lastwatched it, and wanted to see if "Ted" was really as bad as he remembered.

"Are you going to eat the last of the chicken and snow peas?" Emmett peeked over the edge of the take out container, chopstick poised.

"Have at it. I gorged myself." I leaned against the back of the couch and took a drink of water. "Em, it's not that I don't appreciate the company, but you know you don't have to keep a suicide watch over me."

"That's not something to joke about. Did you ever stop to think that I just enjoy your company?" He teased. He really had been amazing through everything. He'd become like a big brother to me, as embedded in my life now as Rose. Maybe even more so in some ways.

But I'd noticed of late that he wasn't quite as happy go lucky as he once had been. He laughed, but it didn't seem to reach his eyes. Something was on his mind, and I'd been so caught up in my own issues that I hadn't paid attention to much of what was going on around me.

"She really is like Rose, isn't she?" Emmett mused as he watched the woman playing Lucy flit across the screen.

He sounded so sad.

"Yeah. It's kind of amazing how Rose parallels the story."

We watched in silence as Lucy flirted with her three suitors on screen. Teasing and taunting.

"I can appreciate how Quincey felt. Tease me, make comments about my big knife, and then leave me while some limey sits on my hat."

This was new territory for us. I knew about Rose and Emmett's escapade in the kitchen, but I'd never spoken of it to Emmett. I didn't feel right, betraying Rose's trust. She was my best friend.

But he was my friend too, and he was hurting in his own way.

"Somehow, I can't see you in anything other than a baseball cap," I joked, trying to lighten things up in the hopes of seeing that amazing smile.

Emmett set the takeout container down, and slipped his arm around my shoulders so that I could rest my head on his chest. "Why couldn't we have made it, Bella? We get along so well, we laugh, we are great friends. We were both attracted to each other initially. It would have made life so much easier."

I fidgeted with one of the buttons on his oxford. "That it would, Em. In hindsight, I wish we would have tried…"

"But now we've both got them under our skin, and there is no way to get free, is there?" He observed quietly. It felt strange to hear Emmett be so vulnerable. He was always so bold, so confident. I wish there was something I could do to make Rose realize what she was missing out on.

"Do you mind if I ask you a question? You can tell me to piss off if you want," He asked cautiously.

"Shoot."

"What does she see in that guy? Royce? I've seen him come in to take her to lunch a few times. He's always such a dickwad. Chatting up the receptionist and eye fucking every woman who walks by."

I wondered the same thing myself. Royce was unlike any other man I'd ever seen Rose date. He was attractive, but not the smooth, confident type she usually went for. The only truly unique thing that registered was how he catered to her ego. Constant flowers, expensive dinners and gifts. Maybe that was why he was still around. I adored Rose, but her ego could get the best of her at times.

"I don't know, Em. I don't get it. I wish I could give you some sage insight, but I am all out of that these days."

He barked out a wry laugh and smoothed my hair down. "How are you feeling now that you had some space and time to think?"

"Like shit. Like an idiot. Part of me wonders if Mike is right. Should I just pack it up and go back to Chicago. Chalk this up to a failed experiment." I took a deep breath, trying to center my thoughts. "But at the same time, I can't bring myself to leave here. I can't walk away without accomplishing what I came here to do."

"Your dissertation?' He asked quietly.

"Yeah. It's not so much about my education any more. I feel like I owe it to myself. London was supposed to be about standing on my own, realizing who I am. I need to start doing that." It was the truth. This was about me now, not a book or a paper. If there was one thing I had learned through this whole experience; it was time to start putting myself first. I shouldn't need a man to prop me up; I needed to learn to do that on my own.

"You do owe it to yourself, Bella. You don't want to be like her do you?" He pointed at Mina on the screen. "She took the easy way. It was always about everyone else, never about her. I bet if she could do it over again, she would have told both the Count and Jonathan to piss off and struck out on her own."

"She lived in Victorian times, Emmett, it wasn't an option."

He nudged me a bit with his shoulder. "Work with me here. We are talking about vampires, and you can't suspend belief to think she could have gone her own way? What kind of imagination do you have?"

"It's people like you that give vampires a bad name."

"Au contraire. I'd make a fabulous vampire. I just don't think I'd do the cape...although I could definitely rock a tux."

He had managed to lighten up the conversation and got me to laugh. He'd also laid a seed of doubt in my mind. What happens to our lives when we choose the safe or easy way?

"You know that the book wasn't this way, don't you? The Dracula, love story thing."

He rolled his eyes and squeezed my shoulder. "Work with me brainiac, I am trying to make a point."

I smiled and continued to fiddle with the button on his shirt. "What are you going to do, Emmett?"

"Only thing I can do. Love her from afar, and hope that she comes around."

A knot formed in the back of my throat at his simple yet eloquent statement. He was confident in his love for Rose, and had hope that she would come around, eventually.

"I love her too, Em. But she doesn't deserve you. No one does."

He laughed. "Thanks, Bella. Not sure I am ready to lead a lonely life of perfection, but I appreciate the vote of confidence."

We watched the rest of the movie in silence. So much of it was tainted by the past weeks. Mina's interactions with the Count in his human form reminded me of my time with Edward. Of how he had lured me in, spun me around and baited me. It had been two weeks since we were together, and I missed him. I missed our conversations. I missed how he could help me pull out thoughts and see things differently.

But I couldn't get past the simple fact that, like the movie, his attraction to me was based on my resemblance to someone else. I wanted to be able to get past it, but I didn't want to settle either. I had already done too much of that in life

As the movie started to run through the credits, I stood and gathered up our take out containers.

"Do you want to take any of this home with you? There is no way that we can…"

A loud thump against the door made me jump. I could hear Rose speaking, but couldn't make out what she was saying. Once he registered that it was Rose, Emmett was on his feet and across the room in a flash. He jerked the door open and Rose fell backwards into his arms, as if she had been leaning up against the door. Royce stood in the hallway, a murderous look on his face.

There was an awkward silence as Emmett and Royce sized each other up. Rose had managed to straighten up enough to stand on her own. She pushed her hair away from her face.

"Go home and sober up, Royce. We'll talk about this later."

She slammed the door and turned to storm towards her bedroom. Emmett caught her wrist before she could flee.

"Hey, are you okay?" I could hear the concern in his voice.

"I'm fine you big oaf. Now get your damn hand off me!"

Emmett dropped his hand like he'd been burnt. "I just wanted to make sure that he hadn't hurt you."

Rose paused mid stride and turned to back to Emmett, a look of bewilderment on her face.

"What?"

Emmett looked just as confused by Rose stopping. "I wanted to make sure he didn't hurt you."

They stood there, staring as if seeing each other for the first time. I took it as a sign to leave them alone. I quietly crept into my room and closed the door.

It was getting late, but I wasn't tired, and felt a bit claustrophobic in the confined space. I tried to read, tried to listen to music, tried to watch a movie on my iPod. Nothing worked.

I finally gave up and dropped it on the end table next to my cell phone. I had turned it off to avoid the constant calls from Mike. I really hadn't thought about Edward trying to call me.

He'd mentioned in his letter that he'd attempted to get a hold of me. Let's see if it's true. I grabbed the phone off the nightstand, powering it up. Once the display was lit, I hit the button for voicemail.

An automated voice told me I had 67 messages.

I closed my eyes and listened. Whenever the voice gave me a Chicago area code, I immediately deleted it. I would deal with Mike, and make him go away once and for all. Just not tonight.

There was only one person I wanted to hear. Maybe it was self flagellation, but I needed to know.

His first few messages were pleas for me to answer, to call him back.

Then the explanation. It took a few messages, as he kept getting cut off. It was the same as the letter.

It was the remaining twelve messages that did me in.

"It's Monday morning, and I am sitting here staring at a computer screen. I should be working, but I can't stop thinking about you."

"I dreamed about you last night. I wish you were here so I could tell you about it."

"I went to the zoo this morning. I stood against the wall in the reptile house and remembered what it felt like to kiss you for the first time."

"I had dinner with Alice and Jasper today. She asked about you. I told her you were doing well, just busy. I hope it's true."

"It's Thursday. I miss you."

"I can't stay away. I stood across the street and watched your window last night, on the off chance that I would see you. Just seeing the light come on in your flat made me happy."

"Went to the bookstore and bought Dracula today. It's been so long since I read it; I wanted to see if my memories did me justice. Every time they mention Mina, my visual is of you."

"I dreamed about you again last night. I woke up so happy, it felt so real. But then I realized it was just a dream and nothing had changed. Please come back to me. I miss you."

"It's Sunday. It's been a week. Would you please call me back? I miss you."

"I finished Dracula, and bought Rebecca. I can see you standing on the ocean cliffs, just like the protagonist in the book. She struggled to believe that Maxim truly cared about her and not Rebecca. It makes me sad that you feel the same."

"I came home today to find that my cleaning service had come. They changed the linens. My bed doesn't smell like you anymore. It felt like I had lost you for good."

"Please look out your window. Please let me know that you are okay. I just need to know that you are okay."

The messages ripped the metaphorical scab right off the wound. I'd never stopped to think about how Edward felt when I ran out of his flat. I had blocked out his feelings, his desires as a way to insulate myself. It made it easier to focus on my mistakes, my issues. I never stopped to think about anything he might be feeling.

I set down my phone and lay in the dark. My mind was frantically digging through the short bank of memories, trying to dredge up anything that would help me stay angry with him. I needed the anger. If not, I'd give in and go running back. I deserved more than that. I deserved to be the first choice.

I gave up and allowed the memories of our last day together to flood in. What Edward looked like when he laughed. The wonder on his face as I tried to collect myself in his car. The simple, sweet declaration of thanks after he made love to me.

I kept trying to convince myself that it was just sex. If I was being honest with myself on everything else, I had to fess up on that too. It hadn't been. At least not for me. Try as I might, I couldn't diminish that there had been something more between us.

Standing to grab a ponytail holder off the dresser, I paced my room, twisting my hair in a messy knot at the nape of my neck. The curiosity was killing me, and I finally gave in.

I stepped to the window, moving aside the draperies so that I could look out.

He was there. Leaning up against his car, arms crossed over his chest. It had to be cold outside.

When he saw me, he straightened up a bit, as if acknowledging my presence. I felt like his eyes were burning a hole right through me. I didn't know what to do.

Finally, I stepped back and dropped the curtain back in place. A moment later, my phone chirped.

I picked it up, and read the text message from Edward.

Thank you. I miss you.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before typing out a reply.

I'm ok. Just need some time. Go home, it's cold.

I turned off my phone and crawled into bed before he could reply. It took every shred of willpower not to go running down to the street. There were too many things to deal with first.

I wasn't sure how much later it was when Rose knocked on my door and let herself in. She had changed into sweats and a t shirt, and crawled in bed to curl up behind me.

"You okay?" She asked gently.

"It's a relative statement these days. You?"

She sighed and wrapped an arm around me. "Confused."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No." Rose paused. I didn't probe, instead choosing to let her speak on her own terms. "I can't even put it into words."

I knew how she felt.

We lay together for a long time. Neither of us spoke. Proximity and understanding was enough to lend comfort.

When Rose did finally get up to go to her room, I called after her.

"Rose? I wish I could turn back time. I would have chased Emmett with everything I had in me. I might not be you, but I could have made him happy."

She gave me a sad smile and closed the door. I knew her well enough to know that my words stuck a nerve. Maybe she needed the rug pulled out from under her too.

Wish as I might, I couldn't turn back the clock. Emmett would forever belong to Rose, whether she wanted him or not. What did that mean for me? Would I forever want what I ran away from?

That's what I had done, run away. From an explanation, from the fear of another disappointment, of not being the one that he wanted.

I felt like a little girl, lying in bed trying to create her own personal happily ever after. I wanted someone to love and want me. Not because I was window dressing on the great career and perfect life. Not as a reminder of someone else. Me. Bella. I wanted to live, wanted to feel. Not the stunted half life that I had built for myself in Chicago. It was time to stop wallowing, pull myself up and figure it out. Me. No one else could do it. I owed that to myself.

I rolled over on my side and grabbed my phone off the nightstand. No more hiding. Step one, turn the phone back on. Step two, go back to work. Step three, call Mike and put an end to his delusions once and for all. I needed to get my head back on the game.

The phone glowed as I powered it back up. I sat it down on the nightstand, and was ready to go back to sleep when it beeped. Two text messages waited for me.

Come downstairs, just for a minute

Come back to me, please

He would not stop until I spoke to him. I wasn't ready yet. I needed time, space to sort out my life. Maybe once that was done, we could talk. He could tell me his story, and I could decide whether or not it was in me to forgive and accept that there could be something there.

I tapped out a quick message in reply.

Please give me time. I'll find you once I take care of a few things. I promise.

I hit send and lay back on my pillow, dropping the phone on the bed beside me. I knew it was only a matter of time before he replied.

I'll wait. I won't give up on you. I miss you.

I tapped out a reply, and set the phone down for the night.

Good night Edward. I miss you too. Sleep well.