There is reason that all things are as they are, and did you see with my eyes and know with my knowledge, you would perhaps better understand.

Dracula, Bram Stoker

Chapter 15 - Twin Flames

Alice fidgeted with her coffee cup.

I'd not spent a great deal of time with her, yet what little I had led me to believe that she wasn't the type to ever be at a loss for words.

"I understand you saw a picture that disturbed you in Edward's flat." She didn't make eye contact, choosing instead to focus on the intricate pattern on the arm of her chair.

"Yes."

She sighed and shook her head. "I have to admit, the physical resemblance is rather startling. Hair color and freckles are the only visible difference."

"Look, Alice, I have had a really long day and I am mentally exhausted. I don't know if I have it in me to spend any more time thinking about her."

"It's not about her, Bella. It's about you and my brother. She was merely the vehicle that got you here. Now that she's caused the break down by the side of the road, it's time to understand why so that you can get on with the journey."

I chewed on the inside of my lip, waiting for Alice to proceed. The coffee cup I held gave me an excuse to keep my hands still. I knew they would shake if I moved them.

"The resemblance spooked me when I first saw you, and I was a bit worried about how Edward might react. But I saw you two together, I encouraged my brother to pursue you whole heartedly. Any idiot could see that you two were meant to be. I've observed Edward around a number of women, and I've never seen that type of energy come off him. You bring out something that no one has ever tapped into. No one, Bella."

She pulled in a long breath. "I'm rambling. For you to really understand, you need to know about a lot of things. The easiest way is to start at the beginning, with Maggie. While you might think it's all about appearances, it's actually something very different. She and her family moved to Whitby when I was little from somewhere out in the wilds of Ireland. She'd never really been around kids, and was starved for the

interaction. Her parents were apprehensive at first; they were into new age mysticism and holistic living, and preferred to keep her close to their way of life."

I'd built up a mental image in my mind of Maggie. Pleated skirts, cashmere sweaters, hair in a pony tail, the stereo typical perfect English school girl.

The picture that Alice painted was very different, and made me feel guilty for jumping to conclusions.

"We were immediately inseparable. We played make believe games, hide and go seek, all the typical things of childhood. The age difference was balanced out by her lack of normal child experiences. I loved her mother, Siobhan. She was a bit out there, but some of the things she believed in made a lot of sense to me. I think it went with the whole fairy tale existence. My mother played bridge and volunteered. Siobhan hung crystals and believed in evil spirits. It was a very different life to get caught up in."

She paused to take a breath before continuing.

"Edward always seemed to be folded into the mix with us. Mostly because he had to look out for me. He groused about it, but the other kids in the village bored him, so I think we were the better end of the deal. Maggie used to call us his naughty little secret. He'd laugh it off and say that we were too innocent to ever consider being called that, and that someone had to add some adventure to the mix. We were like that until Edward and Maggie hit their teens; inseparable, happily playing off of each other. And then, almost over night, things seemed to change. It felt as though Maggie began to shift her attentions away from me and towards Edward. I bit my tongue, but deep down I resented it. I felt like I was losing Maggie to my brother. He had everything, why should he get her too?"

Alice took a drink of her coffee. She darted a quick glance up at me to make sure that I was still listening. I fidgeted with my cup, hoping that she would get on with it. I was tired of thinking about Maggie.

"I could tell that Maggie was barmy about my brother. If I weren't his sister, I'd probably fancy him too. But it's lonely being borderline perfect. Too smart, too attractive, too witty. Edward was so good at everything that nothing fulfilled him. It made him impetuous, maybe even a bit destructive. I think that excited Maggie, and made her want him all the more. She'd bait him; try to throw him off balance to make him realize that he didn't have to be perfect. She was totally out of her comfort zone, but she could tell that her attitude intrigued Edward. I tried to let her know that she was in over her head, but she would never listen to me. In retrospect, it's hard to tell if I was being honest or simply being selfish in my fear of losing a friend."

She smiled wistfully at some unspoken memory. I let her wander down memory lane while I stewed on her baiting comment.

It hit too close to home. Only I was the baited, not the baitee.

What did it mean? Was he trying to draw me in like she had? Was I the one to be caught?

"The winter before Maggie was diagnosed I started spending more time at her house. It was my way of rebelling against my stodgy life. I loved the mystique of the way they lived, the ability to build their own rules. Siobhan recognized my curiosity, and liked to pull me into conversations that would help me see things in a different way. She believed that everything in life was a cycle. What happened in one life would happen in the next, simply evolved. I teased her, telling her that it all sounded very Lion King, but she insisted that one day I would appreciate the intricacies and patterns of life and love."

"Look, Alice, I don't understand what…"

She cut me off before I could question her more.

"I was in the kitchen with Siobhan one afternoon in January, and she asked me point blank what was going in between Edward and Maggie. I didn't really know myself, and didn't think it was the appropriate thing to discuss. She told me that Maggie was lucky to have a friend like me, that I was an 'old soul,' as was Edward. Old souls have one task, one mission in their time on earth, and that is to reunite with their twin. Everything that is undertaken, every decision, every mistake, would ultimate route them towards finding that twin. I laughed at her and told her she was going daft in her old age, rumbling on about stuff and nonsense like soul mates. But Siobhan told me that it was deeper than simply soul mates, and in time, I would understand."

I took a sip of my coffee, not so much for the warmth or the taste, but to give myself something to do. I wanted to ask questions, but knew that Alice would continue to roll right over my interruptions.

"Edward deluded himself into believing that the Maggie who pushed him, baited him, was the woman of his dreams. But that was never who she was. It was all an illusion. She was terrified that Edward would figure it out and lose interest. Realize that she was just as smitten with him as every other girl in the village. Whenever I saw them together, I couldn't help but remember what her mother said; Edward had yet to meet the one that would complete him. Maggie tried, but there are simply some things that you can't force."

"Alice, I'm not sure where you are going with this, but…" I was so tired of hearing about Edward and Maggie, Maggie and Edward. But she cut me off before I could continue.

"Edward was caught up in the dream of what he thought Maggie was. He was ready to chuck his entire future to chase a mirage. That was right around the time that Maggie found out she was sick. She'd had symptoms for years, but they had always chalked it up to the flu or any other myriad of childhood ailments. By the time she was diagnosed, the disease was so far along there wasn't very much to be done, at least not that her parents would allow. That is when she kicked him to the curb, isn't that the term you use? She couldn't be what he wanted, and she didn't want him to feel responsible to see her through an illness that she couldn't recover from. It was a selfless act; to give up on him so he could go live."

Alice had yet to make eye contact. We both stared off at vacant points, afraid to look at each other. I'm not sure what her reason was, but mine was fear. I didn't want to hear this story. I was tired of feeling insignificant and selfish when compared to her. If she was so perfect, what hope did that leave for me?

"Look, Alice, I don't believe in crystals or Stonehenge or any of that crazy alternative religion stuff."

She shook her head and laughed. "Oh I don't either. But there is credibility in some of it. The concept of a soul mate has manifested itself throughout the ages. It's in history, in literature, even in popular media. How else would you explain the circumstance under which you and Edward met? Or the coincidence of your resemblance? Everything happens for a reason, Bella, your thesis, my brother choosing to be a hematologist. Those choices brought you together."

"You are talking about fairy tales and myths, Alice. That's not real life. Mortgages, jobs, buying groceries. That's reality, not searching for the one person to complete you.'

"But don't you see that is exactly what it is? You push him, you stand up to him, you challenge him. You are his equal. You are the one he was destined for. He can't stay away from you, although he's trying for both of your sakes. The two of you can't be altered. There is a polarity to your connection that is stronger than either of your wills, stubborn as you may be."

She hardly knew me, just a few social interactions, and yet she summed up the situation perfectly. I was fighting this with every fiber of my being, and it terrified me for two reasons.

One, the fear that beyond the spark or connection, there would be nothing real there. And two, that in giving in, I would be repeating mistakes I'd vowed not to make again.

I brought my hand to my head, rubbing my forehead in confusion.

"I can't believe I am going to tell you this. I hardly even know you. But I can't stop thinking about him Alice. It scares the shit out of me. I am afraid that by giving in to what I feel, I'll lose myself."

"Or you might find yourself, Bella. Did you ever think of that?" Alice asked gently.

"I don't know, I just…I keep going back to waking up and feeling so secure in everything. And then to find that picture, it just shook me. At first it was because of her, but now it's because I feel so out of control. I want to focus on myself, to be someone that I can be proud of, but then I miss him desperately. And I become more of a miserable person. I am to the point where I am starting to hate myself."

"It's like you can't function without him. And you feel like you lose yourself, yes? And yet if you deny it, things become more miserable, and more out of control."

I stared at her, confused.

"I understand. I've been there. It's a frightening place to be. Rather like standing at the edge of a cliff and trying to make the decision of whether to jump or not."

"That's exactly what it feels like. And it scares me to no end. I keep trying to convince myself that it's just a physical attraction, but I can't keep my mind there. If I don't what does that mean for the rest of my life? I had it all mapped out…"

"Have you ever been in love Bella?"

Her question caught me off guard. Had I? I'd come to the realization that what I had with Mike might have been love, but was I ever in love?

"I'm not sure."

"You haven't. If you had, you'd know. Let me tell you a few things. Love isn't the glorious simple solution to solving life's riddles. It's messy, it hurts, it screws up all your plans, and it's wicked hard work. But when it aligns, there is nothing more glorious. And as messy and scary as the hard parts are, it is all worth it in the grand scheme of things."

Messy. That summed it up well.

"It would have been easy for both of us to pretend you are Maggie. You happen to resemble her, but it's abundantly clear that you are your own person. Part of being your own person is making your own choices. You can decide to be with or stay away from Edward, and that will have its consequences. But ultimately, Bella, it's your choice. You can't lose yourself if you are the one making the decisions. You only lose yourself when you let others make decisions for you."

Self assessment is a miserable thing. To look back, to see all the poor choices you've made, how it's caused waves and wakes for others.

Even worse to recognize that the one thing you wanted desperately to escape is exactly what you've become.

"Alice, I appreciate your perspective. I am not sure if I believe in all the new age stuff, but I am glad that you felt comfortable enough to lend some perspective." Perspective was a nice way of putting it. She called me out on some of the same things Rose had, but instead of beating me down to make her point, she coaxed me to awareness.

Sometimes the approach was key.

"Don't be so quick to disregard the connection, Bella. I didn't believe it until I met Jasper. Sure, she was an odd duck, but Siobhan got a few things right." She studied me sadly before standing to leave. "Would you like a lift home?"

Sheets of rain were falling outside, and I didn't relish the idea of walking back without an umbrella.

I followed her to her car, happily slipping inside away from the cold rain.

"Have you had a chance to go to Whitby yet?" Alice asked as she started the car and activated the seat warmers.

I had been meaning to carve out time, but I'd been so buried that I'd totally forgotten. But Alice mentioning it sparked something in me. A longing to wander through the ruins, walk along the cliffs, see where it all supposedly happened. I spoke before thinking.

"I was thinking of heading up there later this week."

Alice smiled. "Do you have something to write on? I have a dear friend who owns a lovely inn up there, and is quite the local historian. I'm sure she'd love to put you up, and would be a wonderful resource for you."

I didn't have anything, as I'd left my bag at the flat.

"I have a better idea. Why didn't I think of this earlier? Can you hand me my bag please?"

I reached behind her seat and pulled up the mammoth satchel that Alice carried.

She rummaged through it until she found a small silver cell phone. With one hand on the steering wheel, she scrolled through her contacts, and hit send. After a few moments, she broke into a smile.

"Esme Cullen, please."

She paused, waiting for the person on the other end of the line to respond.

"Esme! It's Alice!" She paused, listening to the person on the other end. "He's lovely, thank you. I was actually calling to ask you a favor for a friend that was headed up your way."

She paused again, listening. Her smile grew.

"Fabulous! That is exactly why I was calling. A friend of ours is over from the states working on her dissertation. I thought you would be perfect to show her around, give her a place to stay and all that."

Alice listened intently for a few moments. "Wonderful! Her name is Bella Swan. I'll pass on the information. Thank you, Esme. Love to Carlisle."

She flipped closed her phone and glanced over at me. "We grew up with Carlisle's family. He's a bit older than we are, but he's a great friend. He married an American a few years ago, and they bought an old estate and turned it into an Inn. They just finished some remodeling, and have no one staying this week. You are welcome to take up camp there free of charge, so long as you let Esme bend your ear. She was very excited to have a yank to yammer with."

The idea of a few days in Whitby, including a place to stay away from all of the chaos did sound like the perfect solution. A few days in the great outdoors, maybe even a bit of frivolous reading. It sounded like heaven.

"Thank you, Alice, I think that might be just what I need."

She fished in her bag to locate paper and a pen, jotting down the contact information and handing it over to me.

"You'll have a fabulous time. Esme will take great care of you, and the Inn is absolutely lovely. I am sure that you'll have a wonderful time."

"Thank you, Alice." I climbed out of the car and gently shut the door.

"Bella?" Alice called out to me from a rolled down window. "Do me a favor, Google the term 'twin flames.' The sooner, the better."

I stood at the curb to wave after her as she pulled away. Twin flames? She had to be talking about more New Age mumbo jumbo. Funny, she didn't' come off like a tree hugger at all.

I blew off her comment as my brain focused on the logistics of getting to Whitby. I could take the train, but then I would have to figure out how to get around once I was north. I could rent a car and drive up, but that could get expensive. It's too bad that Rose didn't have a car that I could borrow for the weekend.

I climbed the stairs to the flat, trying to pin down my options. How to get there, how long to stay. I was surprised when I opened the door to find Emmett and Rose sitting on the couch cross legged and facing each other. They appeared to be deep in conversation.

"Hey Bella," Emmett called out.

"Hi guys. Don't let me interrupt, I am just passing through." I was too lost in my own thoughts to feel the need to be social. Alice's observations were running round and round in my head, and I needed some quiet to think. "Just so you don't worry, I'm going north for a few days, some more research. I'll probably be back on Friday or Saturday."

"Where are you going?" Rose asked, her tone guarded. We'd gotten into it before, and it had always blown over. We both needed a few days of space to let things die down. Then we'd talk and work things through like we had in the past.

"Whitby. I need to go figure out how to get there and get around, book train tickets, things like that. I'll see you all later." I started towards my room, and pulled up short when I heard Emmett call out.

"Hey Bella, if you want, you can take my car. I never drive it, so it wouldn't be a hassle."

"You have a car, Em?"

"Yeah, I negotiated it as part of my package. Assuming you can drive a manual, you should be good to go."

A shock ran through me at the memory of the last time I 'drove' a stick shift. It was only a few months ago, but felt like a lifetime.

"Yeah, I know how to drive a stick."

"Come by in the morning before 9. I'll show you where the car is, and it's all yours."

"Are you sure Em? I don't want to get you in trouble." I felt my face growing warm. I refused to look at Rose.

He gave me a big smile. "No trouble at all. Glad it can be of use."

I didn't know whether to smile or cry. Emmett was so sweet, so helpful. I thought of Rose's words about how I treated Emmett. I would prove her wrong. He deserved better than how either of us treated him.

"You are the best guy friend a girl could ever have, Emmett. Seriously."

He grinned at me, and I could see a flash of the terrific guy I had met on the plane months ago. "It's what friends do, Bella. Come by in the morning and I'll set you up."

"Thank you. Goodnight."

Once my door was closed, I fished the paper Alice had given me out of my pocket.

Esme Cullen

Dunsley Hall

A street name and number, phone number, and email address were scrawled underneath.

From what I could recall, Whitby was about 350 miles from London. If I left in the morning, I should be there by mid afternoon.

I glanced at my watch. It was too late to call Esme Cullen to let her know that I would be driving up tomorrow. Alice had indicated that the door was open at any time. What the heck.

I pulled out a duffle bag and threw in a few days' worth of clothes. Then I printed out driving directions, shot an email thanking Esme for her for her hospitality and letting her know that I would arrive late afternoon tomorrow.

Before powering down my laptop, I Googled twin flames. While I didn't believe in a lot of what Alice said, she had made some valid points. The least I could do was listen.

A bunch of new age websites came up, and I internally cringed. As a friend of mine in college said, I like trees, but that doesn't make me a druid. I was about to close the window, when the description on one of the links caught my eyes. Twin Souls – Twin Flames.

I clicked on the link out of curiosity and read the article. Then I opened the next link. And then the next.

As much as I didn't believe in 'new age' stuff, the concept was fascinating. Very simply, the theory is that all souls derive from one central soul. The final split creates twin flames, who find each other time after time.

The whole concept was based on polarities. Yin and Yang, if you will.

One article in particular stood out to me. It referenced the need to create a strong heart through suffering, grief, pain and loss. The connection could only be once an individual has lived through pain, failure, anger, even shame.

That sure as hell fit the current situation.

And the more I dug into it I realized that Alice was right. Romeo and Juliet, Les Miserables, Wuthering Heights…there were thousands of books that referenced it in some shape or fashion. I had always thought of it as soul mates, yet based on the articles, it was a very different connection, and took into account the heartache, the loss, and even some of the antagonism. It gave me an entirely different perspective on the context of stories I thought I knew and understood.

But for all the reading I had done, I'd never stopped to think about one important factor. Part and parcel with the notion of a twin flame is an intensity that can always be felt. It can be beautiful, but it can also be tumultuous, even traumatic. The link is never one sided, and pops up when least expected.

Just like the duality of the connection, love and loss are two sides of the same coin, and you can't have one without the other.

I closed my laptop, and lay back on my bed with my eyes closed. I tried to conjure up my first interactions with Edward. At the pub with Alice and Jasper, in his car, at the club.

The reaction had been there. The connection. The need to push, to react. I provoked him just as much as he did me. If I were to believe everything I just read, those are all indications of our connection.

I thought about some of the great works of literature. The misunderstandings, the knee jerk reactions, the decisions that resulted in the wounding of another. While nowhere near as interesting, what Edward and I had gone through really wasn't significantly different.

And as I played with the notion more, I came to a more startling realization. It wasn't just Edward and I; it was Rose and Emmett too. While we might have reacted in different ways, Rose and I were ultimately both fighting the same thing.

What's the old adage? The heart wants what a heart wants?

We all had both been destructive in our own ways. But when we had burnt, it had been bright, radiant. It had been beautiful.

I picked up my cell phone, and scrolled until I found his number. I typed out a message and was about to hit send. Then I stopped. It was the cowardly way to handle this. No more.

I stared at my phone for a long time. Then took a deep breath, deleted the text, and hit the green call button. It rang five times before going to voice mail. An automated message greeted me, recited the number I had called, and prompted me to leave a message.

"Hi, Edward…it's Bella. I'm sorry I haven't called…I just…well…"

I was fumbling, trying to pull together a cohesive train of thought. I never seemed to do that very well where he was concerned.

"Listen, I am headed out of town for a few days, some research for my dissertation. I was hoping that maybe, if you weren't busy when I got back, that we could get together. I'd like to talk, and…"

I broke off, fumbling for the right words. I felt like such a bumbling idiot. What could I say to begin to rectify all this?

"Well, anyway, I'm rambling and I know I'm not making a lot of sense. I'll try calling you this weekend. I hope you are well…"

I wanted to say something more, to make him realize that I was sincere in my effort. But nothing seemed like enough.

"I miss you. And I'm sorry," I said quietly before disconnecting.

I put my phone down and turned off the light. Okay Alice, I heard you. I hope you are right.