I could feel the hot breath on my neck. Then the skin of my throat began to tingle as one's flesh does when the hand that is to tickle it approaches nearer, nearer. I could feel the soft, shivering touch of the lips on the super sensitive skin of my throat, and the hard dents of two sharp teeth, just touching and pausing there. I closed my eyes in languorous ecstasy and waited, waited with beating heart
Dracula, Bram Stoker
Chapter 20 - Nothing Left to Hide
We half walked, half ran back to the harbor, hand in hand. The thunder continued its ominous rumbling, warning us that the rain wouldn't be far behind.
We made it to the car just as a loud crack of thunder erupted overhead, and I yelped in surprise. Edward laughed happily, shaking his head as he deactivated the alarm and opened the door for me.
Once inside, I leaned forward as a bolt of lightening streak horizontally across the sky. It all seemed so perfect, so keeping with the atmosphere. It was beautiful and wild and unpredictable and absolutely exhilarating.
"I love the way you observe things. It's like you are a child seeing something for the first time."
Edward sat back in his seat, one arm propped against the door, watching me. I smiled and shifted my gaze back out the window.
"It is all new. And it's amazing."
"It's just a bolt of lightening," he teased, skeptical of my awe.
"It's a beautiful bolt of lightening across a menacing sky, and it makes me think of at least five classic works of British literature. Quit being such a cynic and let me indulge my inner romantic here."
I folded my arms and rested them on the dashboard, supporting my chin as I watched the storm roll in across the water. The clouds were dark grey with tinges of green, and would light up periodically as a jagged edge of light ripped through them. It was violent yet beautiful in its simple elegance.
"While you might find the storm beautiful, I've had to watch and resist the temptation that is you all day. I am far too impatient to tolerate your wonder any longer. I promise I'll bring you back here again."
I angled my head so that my cheek could rest on my arm. It allowed me to see Edward's face and the small smile that played across his lips. He wasn't toying with me; he was being honest. I couldn't help but smile at him.
Promise. A chance to try again.
He fired up the engine as I leaned back in my seat. He shifted into reverse, and looked over his shoulder preparing to back out. Before I could register, he popped the car and neutral and leaned towards me.
Edward's face was inches from mine, and my breath caught at what might come next. His arm shot over my shoulder as he smiled.
"You didn't fasten your lap belt."
He pulled the strap across my body, snapping the clip into place. That irritating smirk in place the entire time. I was flustered at his proximity, and he knew it.
"That's better. Wouldn't want anything to happen when we are just getting started again, would we now Isabella?"
Starting again reminded me of something that had nagged at my subconscious all day. I'd wanted to ask a few times, but had been struggling with the proper context in which to bring it up.
"Edward, can I ask you a question?"
"I believe you just did, but somehow, I don't think that's the one you meant."
I shook my head and sighed in mock exasperation. Was he like this with everyone or just me?
"When you tried to stop me outside my flat you called me Bella. Why did you stop?"
Edward's eyes narrowed as he stared straight ahead, a muscle working in his jaw. I held my breath, waiting, not sure how to interpret his lack of response.
"Do you really not know?" He asked quietly, never looking away from the road.
I searched my memory, trying to pull back the events of the day. It was all such a jumbled mess, and I couldn't separate who said what from my own chaotic thoughts.
"No."
"What did you say to me when I called you Bella?'"
"I don't know?" I was confused, not understanding where he was going with his line of questioning.
He chuckled quietly, shaking his head. There was no joy in the sound.
"You told me I didn't have the right to call you Bella. And truth be told, you were right. It wasn't appropriate for me to call you Bella after the way I toyed with you, even though it's how I think of you; after that day you always will be. I guess I've merely been respecting your request."
I'd never stop to consider that the decision to resume calling me Isabella had anything to do with what I wanted. I'd just assumed it was his decision. Never again would I begin to assume where he and I were concerned.
"If I told you it was okay, that you could call me Bella, would you?"
Edward turned onto the road that led to Dunsley Hall. The muscle in his jaw working again. I couldn't tell if he was caught up in thought, angry, or something else. There was so much still to learn about him.
"I don't know, Isabella. Maybe you'll just have to take a chance and find out."
He pulled into the gravel courtyard; I had my seat belt unbuckled and was leaning across the console before he stopped the car. I kissed his cheek innocently, trying not to laugh as he broke into a smile again. Simplicity in the smallest things.
"I think it's okay if you want to call me Bella," I whispered against his cheek. "Although I have to admit, I kind of like the way it sounds when you say Isabella. It's something special that only belongs to you."
He turned his head to catch my lips, his hands slipping up to cradle my face as he kissed me quickly. I tried to extend it, but Edward pulled away, a devilish grin on his face as he ran his thumb along my lower lip. "Think you can be quiet? Let's see if we can sneak in without getting caught. I have other things on my mind than having a long drawn out conversation with Esme right now."
We left the car as quietly as we could and made our way towards the front door. Edward slipped in as I pulled off my shoes and followed. He quietly latched the door, and peeked out into the entry hall to check for people. Once we were sure the coast was clear, we took off in a run towards the stairs.
I giggled as I slipped on a step, but Edward caught my elbow to stabilize me. His other hand flew to my mouth to muffle any sounds. Instinctively, I made a face of apology before righting myself and following him up the steps. Another quick glance up and down the corridor guaranteed that the coast was clear to sneak down the second floor hallway.
"Come with me," Edward whispered as he opened his door and pulled me inside.
He closed the door behind him, and Edward turned to face me. I stood in the center of his room, unnerved by the sudden realization that we were back to the point we had left off at weeks ago. It was time to repair the final bit of damage so that we could move ahead, but I was unsure how best to proceed.
Whether it was apparent in my stance, or my lack of motion, Edward picked up on my trepidation and didn't approach me. Instead he sat down on the edge of the bed, leaning back on his elbows as if us being here together was the most natural thing in the world.
"I can see the wheels turning. What is running through that fantastic imagination of yours?" He asked quietly, his eyes never leaving my face.
Glancing around, I tried to take everything in.
It was just a room. There was nothing personal here.
Nothing to be afraid of.
He sat up and held his hand out to me.
"Come here."
When I didn't move, he repeated his request, understanding my hesitation. "Come to me, Isabella. There is nothing here that can hurt you."
I couldn't move. As much as I wanted to move ahead, I had to make sure that everything was on the table before we went any further.
"Are you sure about that, Edward? Is there anything else…" I let my words trail off, unsure of what or how to ask.
"Is there anything else what? Anything else that you need to know about me?" His words were cold, caustic, and I immediately regretted speaking my mind.
He pushed up off the bed and took a step towards me. The motion was graceful, almost feline, and absolutely predatory. I shivered a bit at the thought.
"Let's make this easy, shall we?" He reached around and pulled something out of his back pocket, and held it out to me. "My wallet. I believe you'll find my ID, credit cards, money, a photo of my sister, and a piece of paper with important dates. Rather mundane, is it not?"
He waited for me to take it. When I didn't he tossed the wallet on the table.
"Very well then, let's continue. If you look in my bag, you'll find clothes, my laptop and a journal. If you dig in the side pocket of the bag, you'll find a pack of gum and condoms. Any questions?"
My eyes went wide at his last statement, and I shook my head vigorously without thinking. He laughed at my reaction.
"Don't begin to think I considered you a sure thing. I like to consider myself an optimist and to be prepared for any eventuality, despite outward appearances."
He stepped back away from me to reach over his shoulder and grasp the neck of his polo shirt. Holding my gaze, he pulled the shirt over his head and tossed it onto the bed.
"I got this once I finished medical school. A reminder of the power and commitment of what I was about to undertake." Edward angled his body so that I could see his left shoulder.
I reached up to trace the intertwined serpents on the caduceus. So many little things I'd missed completely or misunderstood. This being one of them. It made me wish that I could go back and change so much.
"I said it once, and I will say it again. There will be no foregone conclusions on either of our parts. If you touch me again, you can't run away. If you do it again, I won't stand by and wait a second time. I trust you not to repeat your mistakes. You need to trust that I won't repeat mine either."
I ran my finger across the outline of the serpent again, trying to imagine a younger Edward, idealistic in the new life he was about to begin.
His right hand was out in a flash, grabbing hold of my wrist before I could finish tracing the outline of the tattoo.
"I mean it, Bella. Do not touch me again unless you plan on staying."
The ferocity of his expression, the tone of his voice cut me to the quick. He was just as scared as I was. But he had faith in me. He was trusting that I wouldn't run away again.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, hating the knowledge of what I'd done.
I closed the distance between us as quickly as I could, slipping my arm around his waist and leaned my forehead against his back. He didn't pull away, but I could feel the tension in his stance.
Pushing up on tiptoe, I kissed the center of the caduceus. "I'm sorry. Neither of us were right in how we handled things, but we can't take them back either."
I pressed another kiss against his shoulder. "I won't run away. I promise. This is the only place that I want to be."
I shifted to lay my cheek against Edward's back. His heart was a steady staccato against my cheek.
"I'm not going anywhere." It was quiet, but I knew Edward heard me.
His hand slipped over the top of mine, fingers twining together. Lifting his free arm, he pulled me under and around in front of him. The arm that had been raised dropped to my shoulders, securing me in place.
I couldn't run. Nor did I want to.
We stood face to face; all pretenses and defenses stripped away. No more walls to hide behind. What had he said? No more ghosts, no more demons? It was true. For the first time since we met, we were truly alone.
"You can look in my wallet if you want," I started, looking directly into his eyes. "I lied on my ID. I weigh more than I told the DMV. The folded up news clipping is of my dad receiving some rotary club award a few years ago. He hates it, but I think it nails him perfectly."
My thoughts were in chaos, but I plowed ahead, not stopping for fear of losing my courage. "I am not totally sure what I packed. I just threw stuff in. Odds are I have mismatched socks and things that don't fit anymore. I wasn't quite thinking when I made my plan to come up here. But I can tell you, I don't have any gum or condoms, so I guess it's a good thing that one of us is prepared for any eventuality."
"Like bad breath?" Edward smiled as he ran the back of his hand along my jaw.
I wasn't tall enough to kiss Edward without him leaning over, even on tiptoes. So I pressed a single kiss against his chest, and then turned to rest my ear against his heart.
"It's beating fast," I observed, closing my eyes and focusing on the steady thumping.
"You tend to have that effect."
He slipped his hands into my hair, and tugged gently, forcing me to lean back so that he could kiss my forehead. My eyes. My left cheek and then my right. He had me locked in place, but I didn't try to escape. I didn't want to.
"I don't have any tattoos." There wasn't a need for me to continue, but I felt like I should say more. "I kind of have a phobia about needles. I did get a henna one once and looked like an idiot."
Edward laughed softly. His face was inches from mine, but it might as well have been miles. I had physically gone as far as I could. The next move would have to be his.
For all that we had been through, the honesty, the declarations; there was an awkwardness to our physical interactions. We were still learning.
"You are killing me. You've been killing me all day. Could you please kiss me? I can't take much more of this, and I can't reach you," I asked, feeling the warmth rush to my face. It felt strange to ask for something so blatantly.
"Is that all you want?" His eyes never left my face.
"We need to start somewhere, right?" My arms tightened around his waist, pulling him as close to me as I could. "Can you meet me halfway?"
Edward smiled and slowly dropped his head down towards me. He stopped just short of my lips, his eyes still holding mine.
"I'm not going to stop this time," he stated softly before pressing his lips gently to mine.
The day of teasing, of innocent touches and emotional declarations had worn me down, and my ability to resist was gone. I attacked, forcing his kiss to evolve as I opened my mouth and breathed him in. I couldn't move fast enough, push far enough. And Edward met me with the same force, his tongue darting into my mouth, teasing, then withdrawing. I wanted more, but I let Edward lead me where he wanted to go. I didn't have to establish our equality, it was already there. I understood. More importantly, I trusted that he wanted the same things that I did.
Yet no matter how much I opened myself up, had faith in the progress we made, I was unable to prepare myself for the physical intensity of what Edward made me feel. It erased all logic, any fear or hesitancy. I couldn't get enough of him kissing me, touching me, the infuriating way he would chuckle when I'd grab on to him to prevent him from pulling away or stopping.
Our first time, our only time together, had been about magnetism, the call of something that couldn't be explained. I had been so unsure of myself, of who I was, and how Edward fit into the equation, that I'd been afraid to act. I understood now that his questions, his constant querying of what I wanted had nothing to do with his own insecurities and fears, and everything to do with his understanding of mine.
He'd understood how far out of the comfort zone I had moved due to the force of this indescribable magnetism. Every question, every request that day had been about me. He'd done everything he could to make sure that I was comfortable, that I knew how much I was wanted.
The realization stung. Yet another thing that I'd missed; another sign of how real we were.
We are.
"What are you smiling about?" Edward whispered against my neck.
"I had a eureka moment."
"Are you going to share?"
"No, but I might show." I pushed gently on his chest, forcing him backwards. He sat back on the bed, pulling me along with him. I gracelessly fell over onto the mattress, laughing at the childish nature of it all.
"I like the way it sounds when you laugh." He shifted so that he could lie next to me on the bed. "I feel like we've been here before."
"In a way we have, but things are a bit different now."
"Really?" Edward propped his head up on his hand so that he could look down out me. "Such as?"
"If I recall, I was the one half naked last time, and we'd already had one go in the car."
He laughed as his hand slid up my stomach to gently squeeze my breast. "Ah yes, and If I recall correctly, when you were in the car you were fully clothed and not complaining."
"I might complain now."
"Why is that?"
How do I articulate things that I had a hard time understanding myself?
"Sit up." My demand caught Edward by surprise, and he frowned before rolling onto his back and moving to sit cross legged.
Not giving myself time to second guess, I climbed into his lap, my arms wrapped tightly around his neck. One eyebrow went up in surprise, but he didn't speak.
"I might complain now because I've wasted too much time. It might not be the smartest thing, and it might be rushing, but I don't want to wait for when the time might be right. I can't seem to articulate what I feel right now, but I think I can show you, and I want you to know, if you are willing."
I held my breath, waiting for him to respond. Each passing second of silence felt like an hour. Would he turn me away again? Tell me it was too soon? Was I rushing this?
And then all fear was erased. I felt Edward's hand slide up under my sweater, his fingers slowly trailing along my back. The contact sent chills down my spine, and I bit my lip to keep any sound from escaping. His hand continued its path until he reached my bra. Without breaking eye contact, he easily popped it open and slid one finger slowly underneath the loosened band around to the front of my body.
"Only if I can show you too," he whispered before kissing me again. His hand continued its path, pushing my bra up out of the way, palming my breast and slowly kneading and stroking.
"You never seem to be at a loss for words, why do you need to show?" I asked as I tried to slow my breath. My words came out choppy, as if I had just finished sprinting up the stairs.
"Because I can't find the right words around you." Edward squeezed again before moving his thumb in slow tantalizing circles. "I could tell you that I want to make love with you, but that falls short. I'd like to shag you senseless, but that leaves things out too. I could come up with a million different ways to tell you that I want you, and none of them would even come close to explaining how it is that I feel around you, or even worse, don't feel when you aren't with me."
His words alone were enough to make my breath catch. But when combined with the way that he was touching me and the intensity of his gaze, there was no way that I could turn back.
I didn't know what loomed ahead, but I was certain that the only way I could face it was with Edward. That alone was enough certainty to propel me forward.
Pulling my arms back, I reached for the hem of my sweater, tugging it over my head. Once it was clear, I tossed it and my bra on the floor.
"What happened to the nervous little girl who was scared of her own shadow?" Edward asked with an amused expression on his face.
"She grew up."
"Hmm…" Edward hummed as he pulled me into him. "I'm curious to learn more."
And learn we did. We explored, touched, and kissed as we peeled away clothing, all while discovering what actions might cause the most significant reactions. I pushed all of my insecurities to the back of my mind, and gave into the moment.
In doing so, I slowly came to realize the power I held. The confidence of knowing that we were at the same place emotionally, along with my own personal evolution, allowed me to view things through a different filter, to realize that I could provoke just as much as respond. That my insecurities had made me view everything as one sided, when it was anything but.
The hiss of reaction when I raked my nails down his back, or a whispered 'fuck, Isabella' when I innocently sucked on the pad of his thumb reinforced how out of whack my perspective had been; how much I had missed.
The fact that I could tempt him like he had me so many times made me curious, made me want to push. I was drunk on my new found power, and I wanted to see what else I could do.
Every reaction, a gasp of breath, hearing my name, or arms tightening around me fed my confidence. I became bolder in my exploration, not waiting for encouragement to touch or kiss. And as my hesitation fell away, Edward pushed me more, teasing me, trying to draw me further out.
It was the most exquisite manner of torture, and I was torn between staying in this moment forever and begging for him to put me out of my misery.
"You are playing with fire, you realize that don't you?" I gasped as he blew a puff of cold air across my abdomen.
"I like fire, so I guess I should keep playing." He ran his tongue along my hip bone, and then puffed out another little gust of air on the path he had just licked, raising gooseflesh and causing me to shudder.
He just laughed.
"You want fire…" I broke off, not capable to form the rest of the sentence as he nipped at my hip bone.
"Yes, I do." To reinforce his words, Edward shifted his body, effectively forcing my legs further apart. His free hand tracing up the outside of my thigh. "Although you aren't in much of a position to be dishing anything out now, are you?"
I threw my arm out, pointing in the direction of the closet with a groan of resignation. "I can't handle this. Front pocket…now."
Edward chuckled and rested his chin on my hip, the slight stubble from his beard chaffing against the sensitive skin. "Want some chewing gum?"
"Fuck you, Edward."
"That sounds like a demand I might enjoy. Or should I make you say please first, Isabella?"
The blood flooded my face. I hadn't meant for the jab to sound like it had come out. Edward knew that though, and laughed at my mortification as he lazily climbed off the bed and went to retrieve his bag.
I lay back, eyes closed as I tried to collect myself before he came back. The bed shifted, and I rolled on to my side so that I could meet him as he crawled back in bed.
"No questions this time, Edward." It was a statement for both of us. No doubts or fears for me. No need to make sure everything was okay for him.
"I swore to myself that if we got back here, I'd do everything right." He laced his fingers with mine and turned my hand to kiss the inside of my wrist. "I love you. I don't ever want you to doubt that."
"I don't." I felt like I should be the one to initiate this, to set the tone for everything going forward. I didn't trust words. They were all too easily misconstrued. Actions spoke louder.
"Tell me if I do this wrong, okay? I've never, well..." I let my words trail off as I took the foil packet from his hand and tore it open, trying not to be self conscious as I fumbled with the condom.
Edward sucked in a long breath as I stumbled along, feeling awkward and clumsy and incredibly stupid.
"My god, who would think that your innocence could be so damn sexy?" He rasped against my neck. It sent a small thrill through me. "I might be afraid of you when you realize how much power you have over me."
I took a long breath slipped my leg up over his hip. "I'm not innocent."
"You absolutely are, and you're mine to corrupt. I like that idea immensely." Edward pulled me in closer, rolling onto his back and pulling me on top of him.
We were both frozen in place. My heart felt like it was going to burst right out of my chest.
"Look at me," Edward whispered, his hands finding my face and gently forcing my chin up. "Don't look away from me, Isabella."
He dropped his hands from my face, placing them on my hips as he pulled us together. My breath caught, unnerved by how absolutely visceral everything felt. I couldn't look away if I tried.
Just like our first time, the connection was as much emotional as it was physical. But there was less desperation in our motions this time. Neither of us was willing to let this end.
Edward pushed me back, forcing me to sit up, following so that he could pull me in against his chest as we established a slow, tantalizing rhythm. I locked my arms around his neck, holding on for dear life as we moved together.
"God you feel good…" Edward whispered, never looking away. "I'm not going to…"
I kept my arms locked around his shoulders, constantly matching his pace. His arms tightened around me, and he dropped his head to my shoulder, which muffled his voice as he gasped out my name. That same surge of power, knowing that I was the one that pushed him, that it was my name that he called out in release, was enough to push me over too. Gently pulling at his hair, I managed to clear enough space to kiss him, his tongue slipping in my mouth as I quickly followed his lead. It left us both winded and shaky.
Edward moved to kiss my forehead, while pulling me closer into his chest. We sat that way for a long time, not moving or speaking.
I was amazed by the power of something so simple. What we just did was no different than any other couple, age after age. Millions had taken the same path before us. For release, for love, for procreation, for money. A million and one reasons existed to justify the act.
But words are cheap. Better to leave them behind and trust what we felt, be it corporeal, intellectual, or emotional. We'd lain to rest the ghosts of lives past, and could finally live in the moment, as we legitimately deserved.
More importantly, we had learned from our mistakes, and were now the wiser for it. We curled up together; limbs entwined, sheets wrapped around us as we talked. I told Edward about my paper, what I had left to do before going to Chicago to defend it. I told him about my friend Angela, who I would stay with while back in the states. I told him about Emmett and Rose, and the fight Rose and I had before I ran into Alice.
"Emmett is a good man. He deserves to be happy. I hate what Rose has done to him. But I love her; she's my best friend."
"He knows what he's doing, Bella. You can't protect him." Edward rubbed slow circles in my lower back, loosening up my muscles. "He is a good man. He kept me sane, even when I deserved to be told to sod off."
"What do you mean?"
"He came to see me not too long after everything happened. He wanted to understand what went on so that he could help you. At first I wanted to resent him for being there when I wasn't, but I was so desperate to find out how you were that I swallowed my pride and trusted him."
I thought back to Rose's admission the night of our fight. "And you spoke to Rose too."
I could feel Edward's chest shake as he laughed. "Yes, that was rather an experience. She cares for you a lot. I've never had a woman scare me before meeting her. But then she took pity on me, and made me realize that I was going to have to push you or you would fade back into yourself. She's actually the one who convinced me to pursue you, not to let you slip away."
I cuddled in closer to his chest, taking in the enormity of his statement.
"I have to leave early in the morning. I don't want to, but there's something important that I have to do. When will you come back to London?"
The trip had been so impromptu; I hadn't considered how long I would stay. Suddenly, the allure of London was greater than anything that Whitby could offer.
"Originally, I thought I'd explore for a few days, but I do need to get back to work, and I should probably talk to Rose."
Edward shifted underneath me so that were eye to eye.
"Come home tomorrow. I don't want to go more than a few hours without seeing you."
"We are going to have to figure out a balance, you know. I still need to work, and so do you." I hated to think practically, but I wanted to do this right, to give us somewhere to work from.
"We will, I promise. But let's enjoy the rest of the time we have left here." He pulled me back against him, running his nose up my neck. "I want to enjoy you over and over and over again. May I do that, Bella?"
A bit later, Edward slipped downstairs and grabbed some food. I'm not sure what he told Esme, but he wasn't gone long.
We ate, we continued to talk, and we exhausted the stash in the front pocket of his bag. It was the perfect day. And when we finally decided to give in to sleep, I lay in bed listening to his steady breathing. We'd managed to sort through things, and find a way to build a foundation. He still provoked me, infuriated me, but it was part and parcel to what we were.
I closed my eyes as I replayed the day. The best part of it had been when made love for the first time. It wasn't the sex, it was at the end, when he called me Bella.
I nuzzled my head into his chest and whispered "I love you, Edward."
He was asleep, and wouldn't register my words, but there was time for that.