Story Summary: An unofficial sequel to Sarah1281's "The Jedi Kind of Had it Coming". Around a month after he saw Juhani and Mical go off into the Unknown Regions, Revan finally gives in to Bastila's nagging and decides to go out there himself. The old and new gang is reunited, and that could only mean that hilarities will ensue.
A/N: Full credit is given to the developers of the story and game of KOTOR I & II, as well as Drew Karpyshyn who is the author of 'The Old Republic: Revan'. Full credit is also given to Sarah1281 for writing the two KOTOR fanfics, "So Not My Problem" and "The Jedi Kind of Had it Coming", which this fic continues from. I was hoping on her writing a sequel to her KOTOR II parody, but she's decided against it. So here it is, in my own version of events. Enjoy.
Why Always Me?
Chapter 1
Flashbacks and Diapers
"Why have you come here?" a dark, shadowy figure asked Revan from his mighty throne which was shrouded in darkness.
"I don't know," Revan replied. "Must have had a problem with my navigator. That, or I was just bored."
"No," the figure hissed, rising from his seat while his bones made a cracking noise which made Revan cringe.
Geez, does he need a good chiropractor, Revan thought. Or a nice Twi'lek girl as a personal attendant. One or the other. Oh, I still remember that one Twi'lek masseuse I picked up near Corellia…Best. Decision. Ever. Maybe I'll pick another one up on the way back. Maybe even the same one. Where was I now? Oh, yeah. Talking to the creepy Sith guy. Revan broke out of his daydreaming trance and focused himself again on the man who was approaching him.
"I see the truth behind your foolish words. You come here seeking power, glory…immortality," Vitiate insisted.
"You definitely can't tell whether a guy is bullshitting with you or not, can you?" Revan rolled his eyes and sighed, rubbing his forehead. "Malak here can tell you everything about me. As much as I'd like to tell you myself, that seems like a lot of work."
Malak groaned and mumbled incoherent words to himself, then began to explain to Vitiate. "We came from Republic space after defeating the Mandalorians. We all felt the immense power of the dark side after being in close proximity to Malachor V, and were immediately drawn to it. We resolved to set out and seek greater knowledge of the dark side, due to the knowledge we acquired from the holocron which hidden on-"
"Oh for Force's sake, Malak," Revan shook his head. "Cut the crap and get to the chase. Even the act of listening is hard for me."
"But…I…was going to…" Malak murmured.
"Ah, fine, I'll do it myself," Revan threw his hands up in the air in frustration. "Long story short, I killed Mandalore, took his knowledge, I got bored, heard about this place, Republic forces are all out trying to get me, I needed a place to stay, got bored again, so decided to come all the way out here. End of story."
"Hmm…intriguing…" Vitiate said as he stroked his chin. "Perhaps I may make some use of you after all…"
"Query: May I blast him, master? That great long chin presents a sizeable and most attractive target." HK asked eagerly behind Revan.
"Not now. You'll have plenty of other things to blast later on, though, so don't worry," Revan waved his hand back at him.
"I have a task for you," Vitiate declared. "If you are willing to undertake it, I promise you that you will gain power beyond your imagination."
"Tell us!" Malak begged like a puppy dog wanting a treat from its owner.
"…Will I have to put in a lot of effort?" Revan raised an eyebrow, his arms folded.
"Not necessarily," Vitiate insisted. "Are you willing to hear my offer?"
"Well, I'm too lazy to tell you otherwise, so be my guest."
"Very well. You will acquire for me the ancient Rakatan artifact called the 'Star Forge'. It is both a space station and an entity embodying the dark side of the Force, a thing of immense power," Vitiate started.
"Okay, so the return to be gained is somewhat desirable," Revan conceded. "Go on?"
"In order to acquire the location of the Star Forge, you must travel back to Republic space and seek out the four Star Maps that will lead to it. The maps are scattered across four different planets, the first being within some ruins on Dantooine, and-"
"Oh, for the love of…stop right there," Revan held out a hand. "That sounds like an awful amount of work to me. And I'm not sure if the returns really outweigh the investment involved, the investment being my energy. And my energy's really precious to me."
"I do not think that you properly understand," Vitiate scowled. "You will obey me. You will find the maps."
Revan felt eerie as he spoke again. "…Ok?"
"Good," Vitiate nodded and turned around. "I expect you to complete this task and return to me with good news. You may go now."
"Whatevs," Revan shrugged as the three of them turned around, HK looking down miserably with disappointment.
"Regretful statement: This humble unit was looking for action, master. The great-chinned meatbag was a prime possibility for target practice. I am very disappointed."
"I'm pretty sure you can blast anything that doesn't have a red skin color as soon as we get outside," Revan said. "They all seem so rather indifferent to anything that doesn't have red skin. Fancy that."
HK's eyes glowed immediately. "Delighted exclamation: Happy days!"
"What was he doing exactly, Revan?" Malak asked as they walked towards the exit. "Was he trying to…"
"Probe our minds? Probably," Revan admitted. "Though if he was trying to, I'd say that it was quite a pathetically weak attempt."
"Don't you see what this means, Revan?" Malak asked with an opportunistic tone. "If he does not have the power to see into our minds, then what power does he have that rivals our own? We can kill him here and now! You can take control of the entire Sith Empire!"
"Whoever said I wanted an empire to begin with?" Revan moaned at Malak's constant bitching. "Do you know how hard and annoying that'll be? Not to mention that it'll take a lot of work and energy."
"Revan?" Bastila drearily spoke to him in bed. "Is something the matter? You're awake."
Revan eyed her after waking from his dream. "How did you know?"
"Ahem…" Bastila slightly flapped their quilt up and down, referring to something that was under the bed.
"Oh, yeah. Sorry about that," Revan apologized, removing his hand from Bastila's ass.
"But really, what's bothering you?" Bastila went on. "You've been stirring in bed a lot in the past month."
"You don't like that?" Revan asked.
"Kind of hard to answer in exact terms," Bastila admitted. "But do tell me; what's wrong?"
"I want to explain it to you. I really do. It's just that I can't explain it without using more than three sentences, and as you know, I'm most definitely not a kind of guy who likes to actively engage in conversation so soon after falling asleep and waking up again. So yeah, you'll just have to wait a few hours until after I've had a bit of caffa in the morning, then we can talk properly about it. But not right now. I don't feel like it."
Bastila grimaced. "But…you've just used more than three sentences..."
"No, I didn't."
"Yes, you did."
"I most definitely didn't."
Bastila sighed and rubbed her forehead, lying back against her pillow. "Fine. We'll talk about it later."
They later heard Vaner crying in his room, and Bastila rolled her eyes, both at the fact that the young baby was crying in the middle of the night, and also due to the memory of Revan being so arrogant that he pretty much named his son after himself. Well, it was either going to be 'Vaner', or 'Revan the Second', or even worse, 'Revan Junior'.
"Revan, it's your turn today," she groggily said.
"Nope. Definitely your turn today. I remember it clearly."
"Revan…" Bastila chuckled. "It's still 11:57pm. So technically, it's still 'today'."
"Yeah. That's what I said. It's 'today', so it's your turn, honey."
"It's still an odd-numbered day, you lazy arse of a man," Bastila turned and flicked Revan on the back of his head in frustration. "Now get yourself up and tend to our son."
Revan grumbled and got up. "Fine. But remember – you owe me one."
"I don't feel like it tonight, Revan," Bastila yawned. "Too tired for it."
Revan raised an eyebrow. "Do you even know what I'm talking about?"
Bastila mumbled. "Of course I do. Anyone can guess what's on your mind, you great big pervert."
Revan shook his head. "Actually, I was kinda going to ask you to carry out routine maintenance work on T3 and HK, like I taught you to. T3's been giving me lemonade when I asked for tequila more often than not nowadays."
Bastila lazily opened one eye. "Oh…and I thought…never mind…"
Revan grinned in victorious satisfaction as he walked out of their bedroom and towards Vaner's. "Now who's the pervert?"
Bastila poked her tongue out at him. "You are."
As he walked by himself in the corridor of their apartment, Revan wondered why he didn't make T3 or HK take charge of tending to Vaner instead of himself. His laziness reaching new heights, he had basically turned the two of them into servant droids. HK sometimes even whined that he was now more of a droid-maid than an assassin droid, his duties now resigned to menial tasks such as delivering Revan food and an occasional massage, while constantly bemoaning his own existence.
"All right, Vaner, what's the prob-pheeew!" Revan's hand flew up to his nose the minute he stepped into his baby son's room. The smell made him wonder how in the world that Mission and Zaalbar actually liked going into the Tarisian sewers, regardless of the loot they collected there.
"Oh well," he said in relief. "At least I'm not in Mical or the Cathar's shoes right now. Force-knows whether or not they're still even alive. Then again, meh…shit happens."
A/N: As it seems to be painfully obvious, I can't properly emulate Sarah1281's style of Revan as accurately as I would like. But I hope that people reading this story will enjoy it somewhat, nonetheless.
You can also read my other post-KOTOR II fic, if you like. A lot of you might have seen it around, and it's titled 'Heart of a Padawan'. It's an extremely serious fic when compared to this one though, but Revan remains a fairly humorous guy throughout.
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