There are such beings as vampires, some of us have evidence that they exist. Even had we not the proof of our own unhappy experience, the teachings and the records of the past give proof enough for sane peoples.
Dracula, Bram Stoker
Chapter 24 - Deserved Better
By three on Friday afternoon, I was settled on the couch in Edward's flat, propped up with pillows and wrapped in a blanket.
"I cracked my head, Edward, I don't have a cold. There is no need for me to be wrapped up like I have a fever," I protested as I tried to unwind myself.
"Indulge me. I feel the need to be overly protective." He'd been hovering over me ever since we left the hospital. It was endearing, but was starting to make me a bit claustrophobic.
"It's 70 degrees in here and you have me bundled in fleece. You are a sweetheart for worrying but I am not going to slip into hypothermia, Edward."
He stood over me, a curious expression on his face.
"What? Why that look?" I inquired, wondering what could have stopped him in his tracks.
"Will it sound foolish to say I don't know what to do?"
There was a vulnerability in his voice that made me smile. He always expected to have the answers to everything.
I held out my hand, palm up in invitation. "Would it help if I told you what I'd like to do?"
"Isabella…." His reply was stern.
"Stop it you deviant. I just want to curl up in your lap, okay?" I wiggled my fingers. "Please?"
Edward ran his hands through his hair before sitting down on the couch with a defeated sigh. I scrambled over the pillows to sit down in his lap, tucking my head in between his neck and shoulder.
"Much better," I sighed as I closed my eyes. It felt good to be out of the hospital, away from the constant interruptions and prying eyes. I let myself relax, breathing in slowly, enjoying the warmth and security of simply being together.
"Thank you," I whispered against Edward's chest.
"For what?"
He leaned his cheek against the top of my head, and wove his fingers together with mine.
"For this. For taking care of me. Thank you."
"You don't need to thank me Bella." Edward kissed the top of my head. "Rest. We've got plenty of time to talk; you need sleep."
"We've already lost so much time though, Edward." I tried to argue, but he'd have none of it.
"A few hours of sleep won't hurt. We can talk when you wake up."
His free hand made slow smooth circuits up and down my back, helping me to relax into sleep.
When I opened my eyes again, it was dark. We were stretched out, my back pressed against the couch, Edward's head resting against my chest, his arm wrapped securely around my waist.
I didn't move, enjoying the relative quiet and peace of his even breathing. He had to be exhausted, keeping up his normal work schedule and hovering over me in his every spare minute.
That knowledge, combined with what I'd read in his journal weighed heavily on me. We'd traveled such a winding path to get to this point, and I struggled with overwhelming feelings that I couldn't define. At a base level, I was awed and intimidated by the words that I'd read last night in Edward's journal. To know how unconditional and all encompassing his feelings were made me feel selfish and unworthy.
I couldn't help but think back to our discussion on this same couch about our future. We'd both avoided any type of conversation about anything long term, choosing instead to focus on the here and now. Or at least that's what I'd thought at the time.
In hindsight, I'd been the one who had dodged the conversation. Edward had asked honest answers, and I'd avoided them. In some ways, it was just as bad as how he'd dodged my questions that day at the zoo.
At the time, my decision had made sense, but I was quickly coming to the realization that it wasn't fair to anyone.
The problem was that I didn't have an answer. I needed to finish my dissertation and find a job. I could only stay legally in the UK for six months without a visa. No job, no visa, and back to the states I would go. It wouldn't re realistic to expect Edward to go anywhere. He had a new career and was close to his family. I couldn't expect him to uproot his life in London for me. It would be yet another selfish expectation on my part.
It stung to realize that I'd taken on the role of Mike in this relationship. I was the selfish one, not considering anyone but myself. Edward shouldn't be the only one who sacrificed.
Which meant that if there was going to be an 'us,' it would be up to me to make the move. It wasn't as simple as relocating from Washington to Chicago. I'd have to leave my country, my family, my small group of friends behind. Other than a handful of people, I didn't know anyone London. No family, no roots. No support system. What was that lovely quote, I'd be a stranger in a strange land.
It would have been easy to throw caution to the wind and say that this is where I belonged. Part of me wanted to, desperately. But I also needed to be realistic. My bank account was dwindling quickly, and I had no clue what this hospital stay would do to my financial status. I didn't have any viable job prospects; it didn't matter if we were talking here or in the states.
In a way, the whole thing was depressing. I was twenty seven years old. What had I accomplished in my life? All I knew was school. Other than being a TA, I'd never held anything other than typical college jobs like retail or food service.
Yes, Edward had made the comment about having plenty of money, that he would take care of me. But was that really even an option? If I stayed here, what would that mean for the path I'd planned for myself? If I couldn't find a viable job, would it lead me to resent him? Even worse, would he resent me?
There was no clear line of demarcation between what I needed and what I wanted. I didn't know how to separate my need to see things through with my desire never to be anywhere but with him. It was all a tangled mess, and I didn't have a clue as to how to unravel it all.
My only beacon, my true north, was the man sleeping next to me. I couldn't begin to fathom my life without him. We were too intertwined now. Being anywhere but here was not an option. Yet as much as I needed to be with him, I also needed to complete something for myself. I deserved that.
I felt Edward move, his arm tightening around my waist.
One more day, I told myself. You have one more day to enjoy this. And then you need to have an honest conversation about what will be. You aren't being fair to him, and he deserves that.
Pushing the melancholy aside, I slipped my arms around Edward's neck and buried my face in his hair.
"Believe it or not, I am hungry, and I really have to go to the bathroom," I whispered, not wanting to let go.
"Me too, but I don't want to move. I like it here."
There was nothing unique or special about his words, but they made the knot in my chest grow a bit larger. He'd mentioned something in the last journal entry about there being no me, only us. I felt the exact same way, and yet I'd never had the courage to tell him that. He deserved better than I gave.
"Edward, I…"
A knock at the door interrupted me before I could say anything more. Edward groaned and sat up, running a hand through his disheveled hair.
"I hate drop by's," he mumbled as he stood and tugged at the bottom of his oxford. It was wrinkled and slightly askew from our time curled up on the couch, and the image for some reason tugged at my heart. He'd done so much for me, given so much, that it was physically apparent.
My resolve of one more day suddenly felt childish. He put me ahead of everything, even himself. Not doing the same was selfish on my part.
Sitting up slowly, I pulled my hair away from my neck as Edward opened the door. I wished that we could have told whoever it was to go away, that now wasn't the time.
Rose stood on the threshold, a small bag in her hands. She looked sheepishly at Edward before shifting her gaze to me.
No one spoke for a long moment.
"I brought some things that you didn't get when you were over. I thought that Bella might need them."
Edward took the bag from her wordlessly, turning to allow her into the apartment.
Rose stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, fidgeting with a non existent thread on her cuff. Edward looked from her to me, as if assessing whether he needed to intervene. As if picking up on the undercurrent running between us, he grabbed his keys off the end table.
"I'll just go pick up some takeout. Any requests?"
I could tell that he didn't want to leave, but that he knew we needed time alone. Yet again, my needs above his.
"No, I'm okay." I gave him a smile in reassurance. I needed to deal with Rose too, and it would buy me some time to try and figure everything else out.
"I'll have my mobile. Call if you need me, okay?" It was his way of asking to stay. But I needed to do this.
I gave him a small nod of reassurance, which he reluctantly accepted before closing the door behind him.
Rose had moved to the edge of the couch, where she stood twisting her hands in front of her.
"Hi." I extended the greeting as an olive branch. The relief in Rose's eyes was immediate.
"How are you feeling?"
'I'm okay. A little sore, but okay." I hesitated, unsure as to how to continue. "How are you?"
Rose looked back down at her hands, clearly uncomfortable with the question.
"I've been better. I wanted to come see you after you woke up. I did actually, but Edward didn't want me upsetting you until you were stronger, and I knew he was right."
I nodded, neither in agreement or disagreement, simply acknowledging that I understood.
"Listen, Bella, I can't tell you how sorry I am. This whole thing is my fault…" She started.
I laughed and gingerly ran my hand through my hair. My scalp was still a bit tender, and it didn't jive well with my nervous habit.
"Yes Rose, a lot of it was your fault. But you can't take it back, so what it the point of belaboring it?" My words weren't harsh, just factual.
She wouldn't meet my eyes, and continued to knot and unknot her hands. For some reason it reminded me of Edward sitting in front of the fire at Dunsley Hall. Steeple, relax. Steeple, relax. I'd heard him out, accepted his explanation. He'd taught me that life wasn't always black and white, that there were often facts that we didn't have that would color a decision. I needed to give her the same courtesy.
"Look, Rose, I have a lot of conflicting feelings right now, but it doesn't change the fact that I love you, and I am glad you are okay. We could dissect everything that happened, but it won't change things. Just give me some time, and it will be okay."
Sighing, Rose sat down in an easy chair next to the couch. "That's what Emmett told me, but I needed to hear it from you. I also needed to explain some things."
"I don't need you to explain anything. At least not right now. In time…"
"I changed my statement. I told the police that I was confused and upset, and that once I calmed down I realized that I had misunderstood what happened. That's why the charges were dropped. They believe it was an accident."
Shocked into silence, I scrambled to digest her statement. It made the news clippings I'd found in Edward's journal make sense now. The questioning, the hasty dropping of charges followed by Royce's sudden departure. He didn't get off. Rose let him get away.
After everything he'd done, he was going to get off without even a slap on the wrist.
"Royce threatened to go after Emmett. He called me at work, I didn't know who it was, or I wouldn't have answered," Rose continued, her voice was shaking. "He told me that if I continued to say that he assaulted you, that he caused your fall, he would make me pay. Then he threatened to file charges against Emmett for assault. Royce's family could make Emmett's life miserable, and I couldn't let that happen."
She was openly crying now. "This was all my fault. You getting hurt, Emmett going after Royce. It was because of me and my stupidity, my need to be wanted. None of this would have happened if I would have listened to you in the first place."
I couldn't speak. What would I say? That I was angry at her for letting Royce off the hook? That I was proud of her for putting Emmett ahead of her own needs for once? That I was furious at her for not thinking about my feelings in all of this?
But doing so would have made me a hypocrite. She was just as knotted up as I was, and she understood that there was no easy answer for the dilemma she found herself in. It didn't mean that I supported her decisions, but I could at least admit that I empathized with her situation.
We'd both been selfish in our actions. Those actions had a butterfly effect, and others were suffering because of it.
Rose had called me an emotional vampire once. She'd done it to shock me, but she hadn't been too far off base. The sad thing was, that It applied to both of us.
We didn't speak, didn't touch, didn't even look at each other. Rose sat and cried for a while longer, while I curled into myself on the couch, numb with confusion, anger, and sadness.
"Do you remember when you told me to be careful?" Rose's voice was hoarse from crying, "When we first moved here, and we were talking about Royce, I jokingly compared him to Arthur? You told me to be careful, that I could lose my head and I told you I had him under control? I was so focused on me, that I never stopped to think what could happen to anyone else. I'm sorry for that."
She stood, wiping the tears before moving towards the door. "I accepted the offer to extend my stay in London. I am moving into a new flat the middle of the month. There is room for you if you want it. I'd very much like you to be there, but if not, I understand."
Opening the door, Rose looked back over her shoulder at me. "I'm sorry, Bella. More than I can tell you."
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. All of my emotions were too close to the surface, and I was afraid if I spoke, I might say something I'd regret.
The door clicked softly shut behind her.
Rose was gone.
I stood and made my way towards the bathroom, suddenly overwhelmed with the need to wash away the hospital, the memories, the sadness. The light over the sink in the bathroom was harsh, accentuating the bruises and shadows on the reflected at me in the mirror. I looked exactly like I felt. Pitiful.
Turning on the water, I stripped out of my clothes and studied the roadmap of bruises on my body. They had faded to an eerie greenish brown, and stood out in stark contrast to my fair skin. Once the stitches were removed, the red of the scar on my arm would stand out just as starkly. I may emotionally put all this behind me someday, but the physical reminders would always be there.
I slowly eased myself into the steaming water. It burned against my skin, and mixed with my tears as I frantically scrubbed at my skin. I could rub myself raw, but it wouldn't take anything away. The bruises would go away, the scars fade over time, but the impact had changed us all forever.
"Bella, are you okay?" Edward called thru the door.
There was nothing I could do, nothing I could change. I could scrub for all it was worth, but the damage was done. I dropped the wash cloth and turned off the water.
"Yeah, I'll be out in a minute."
Grabbing a towel from the rack by the tub, I dried off. The bruises were now complemented by rosy pink from the heat of the shower. The contrast was grotesque; like a child's drawing gone awry.
"I bought you a robe; it's on the back of the door. Why don't you wrap up and crawl in bed? I'll bring you some food."
I grabbed the robe from the hook and pulled it on. It was too big for me, and I had to roll the sleeves up a few times so that my hands weren't lost in the white terry cloth. But it was warm, and covered up the visible reminders of what had happened.
A lamp was on in Edward's room; one side of the bed turned down and waiting for me. Bubba lay on my pillow, threadbare and worn against the English cotton.
"He fits there," Edward observed from behind me. "Go crawl in bed."
I climbed in and pulled my knees to my chest. He set the tray he was carrying down in the center of the bed before climbing up next to me.
"We'll do an improvised picnic. I have soup, sandwiches and that disgusting sparkling water you like so much."
I watched him as he shifted things around on the tray. His shirt was still a wrinkled mess, and it looked like he hadn't slept in a week.
Edward had run himself into the ground for me. Moved my belongings into his home to keep me safe and to watch over me. Turned his life upside down for me. Everything he'd done, even since before the accident had been for me.
I could feel the tears start to build again. My doctor warned me that fluctuating emotions were a by product of my injury, and that I shouldn't panic; they would adjust over time. But I knew that the swings were giving me a clarity that I didn't have before, and that I needed to trust that clarity.
Edward sat down on the edge of the bed and reached out to wipe away a tear. "What's wrong?'
I laughed and shook my head. What was wrong, what was right, it was all mixed up together and screaming to get out.
"Hey, Bella, come on…" Edward pulled me into his lap and wrapped his arms around me. "It's okay, just let it out."
I shook my head again and reached up to wipe away the tears with the back of my hand. "I'm okay; just having a moment is all."
Edward tipped my chin up so that he could look directly in my eyes. I wasn't prepared for what I saw staring back at me.
Concern. Apprehension. Because of me.
He deserved better.
"What did Rose tell you?"
I wiped an eye with the back of my hand and took a deep breath. "About what happened with Royce. What she did."
Edward's narrowed, and I could see the anger simmering just below the surface.
"I see. Did she tell you why?'
I nodded my head, unable to say yes.
"She didn't think I would find out what happened, that Emmett wouldn't tell me." He continued quietly, anger accenting his commentary. "She was so focused on Emmett; she never stopped to think about you."
"Edward, we are all guilty of that in some way. Emmett went to help Rose; you stayed with me. Apparently I stood up to Royce. It's human nature."
"It may be human nature, but I refuse to let her selfishness hurt you anymore. Emmett and I have already discussed this, and he said the same to Rose. Her narcissism caused all of this, and then she goes and let's the bastard off. Some friend."
But it wasn't that black and white. Nothing in life seemed to be any more.
"Don't you understand, Edward? She let Royce go because she couldn't let Emmett get hurt. It wasn't about her, it was about Emmett."
He shook his head, refusing to concede the point. "It was selfish, Bella. She wanted Emmett, so she sacrificed your justice to keep him."
"Or maybe she knew that I would have done the same thing. Did you ever stop to think about that?"
He frowned in confusion. "I don't follow you."
"You said I stood up to Royce. If that is what I did, it must have been for a good reason. You do strange things for people you love."
We stared at each other, not speaking. The expression on Edward's face was heartbreaking; a mixture of hope and sadness.
"Edward, I would have done the same thing if I were in Rose's position. I couldn't let anything happen to you."
I brought my hands to his chest, finding that familiar spot over his heart. I had compared the beating of his heart to an anchor. But calling it an anchor was wrong. It didn't weigh me down. It gave me the strength to stand on my own, to find out who I was and what I could be.
It didn't hold me back. It gave me flight.
My fingers fanned out over his chest, focusing on the staccato of his heart beat.
"You hold that in the palm of your hand, you know that don't you?" Edward asked quietly.
The honesty and resignation in his tone were devastating.
"And you don't think it's the same for me?" I couldn't look up at him.
"Is it, Bella? You know exactly how I feel. And yet you keep me guessing."
I contracted my fingers, bunching the fabric of his shirt in my hand. I was tethering him to me, trying to hold on to him, if not literally than figuratively. I could feel his heartbeat increase a bit, but he didn't try to pull away.
I squeezed the material of the shirt in my hand a bit tighter, using it as a focal point as I spoke.
"I love you."
My declaration hung in the air between us, awkward in the silence.
"I know you worry that it's primarily sexual attraction with me, but it's not. I…"
"Look at me, Bella."
Edward's request was quiet, but firm. I swallowed, but couldn't look up. He brought his hand under my chin, forcing me to lift my head so that we were eye to eye.
"Say it again, please." He used his free hand to wipe away a tear as it slid down my cheek.
I took a deep breath, unable to look away. "I love you."
He smiled and wiped away another tear.
"You know, I am not a religious man, but I found myself making deals with God while I was waiting for you. I promised ridiculous things. I even begged. I just wanted you to come back to me. I guess he must have listened, because not only are you okay, but you told me the one thing that I wanted hear."
I swiped away another tear with the back of my hand. "If this is one of the byproducts of a head injury, it's getting damn old."
"But it gives me a chance to save the day. White knight and all that rubbish." Edward teased gently. His thumbs continued to wipe away the tears as they fell. I felt like I was incapable of stopping them.
"I don't have any answers." I needed to be honest, to lay it all out there. "I have no clue how to figure this out; I just know that it has to be with you."
"We'll find a way to figure it out." He kissed me gently, his hands cupping my face as if I might break. "Now you need to eat and get some rest. I want you to save your energy. I have a surprise for you tomorrow."
He released my face and lay back on the bed. "I know it's not Sunday morning, but I believe I wanted to stretch out in bed and watch the telly with you. What will it be?"
It was so ridiculously normal, so average. And yet it was the most perfect thing he ever could have said.
Because, to use Edward's words, it was everything and nothing, and that was all that mattered.