Oh, friend John, it is a strange world, a sad world, a world full of miseries, and woes, and troubles. And yet when King Laugh come, he make them all dance to the tune he play.
Dracula, Bram Stoker
Chapter 25 - Equilibrium
While we had agreed to talk about what came next; living arrangements, my dissertation, us, we didn't revisit the topic. I continued to stay with Edward, bowing to the justification that it made the most sense. It would be easy to say that staying was the convenient thing, what with him going back and forth to the hospital, and the ability to easily get to and from the constant litany of doctor's appointments. But that wasn't the truth.
A large part of it was that I wasn't ready to be on my own, which would have been the case had I moved into Rose's flat. I was still experiencing side effects from the blow to my head, including equilibrium issues. It wasn't uncommon for me to get dizzy when I stood up, or judge the distance between things incorrectly. The bruises from my fall down the steps had started to fade, but were quickly being replaced by ones from table corners, door knobs, and once, backing up into the towel rack.
Very simply, I had become a klutz.
Edward assured me it was okay, that it was temporary, but it terrified me. My emotions were still volatile, and on top of that, my fine motor skills were off. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something else to go wrong with me.
My doctors kept telling me that I should be grateful, that my recovery was nothing short of miraculous. I knew they were right, and that I should listen, but every time I ran into something and then melted down in tears, it made that seed of doubt grow a bit more. I wanted to be normal again, to not trip over thin air. I wanted to be able to do things without the fear of breaking down crying or blowing up like an over-wrought thirteen year old girl.
On a sunny Saturday in May, one week after my release from the hospital and three weeks after my fall, Edward dropped me off at King's College. I'd been anxious to get back to work, as every day lost was precious time. Edward tried to convince me that it was better to wait, to let my body recover more before diving back in, but I was too close now. I needed, no; I wanted to get this done so that I could move on.
"I'm giving you three hours. I want you out here on the curb at noon. I have a surprise for you." Edward insisted as I opened the car door.
"Another one?" I laughed in amazement. He'd made good on his promise in the hospital. Surprises came daily. Big or small, they were never the same. He bought me a leather journal like his, only blue; he took me to the National Gallery; he brought home a telescope so that we could sit in the living room with the lights out and look at the stars.
He would pick out a constellation and then put me on the spot for the corresponding myth.
When I teased him about it, he insisted that he was merely sticking to his word. There were too many things that he wanted me to experience, and he wasn't going to waste time anymore.
"Do I get a hint today?" I asked before closing the door. The window rolled down, and he leaned over the console to look up at me.
"Absolutely not, and I know you will adore it. Right here. Noon."
"Yes, sir!" I snapped off a military salute. I heard him laugh as he pulled away from the curb. I turned toward the direction of the library, only to see a few co-eds staring longingly after Edward's car. I laughed to myself as I walked, listening to them behind me jabbering about hot Dr. Whitlock and his gorgeous brother-in-law.
The library felt like an old friend. My regular table was unoccupied, so I settled in and unpacked my laptop. I hadn't turned it on in weeks, and the sensation was both comforting and alien. Cracking my knuckles, I placed my fingers on the keys, ready to type in my password.
And froze.
I was drawing up a blank.
I'd had the same password since I bought this laptop two years ago. How could I not remember it? I wracked my brain, franticly. It wasn't there.
The panic that had been quietly nudging around at my subconscious for the past few days slammed in full force. What if I couldn't remember my password? What would I do? All of my files, the entire draft of my dissertation was on there.
I focused on slowing down my breathing, trying to force the panic back. Rose. Rose would know. She'd used my laptop in the past. I pulled my cell phone out of my bag and hit her number on speed dial.
Please answer, please answer, please be there.
"Rosalie Hale."
"Oh thank god!" My words were a jumbled rush as I jumped right in. "I am at the library, and I just powered up my laptop and I can't remember my password. I don't know what's happening to me and…"
"Shh, Bella, calm down. It's ok. Your password is ryder underscore sucks. You chose it because you thought she sucked in the movie, remember?"
"No, I don't remember Rose! I can't walk in a straight line, and I can't remember my password. I am an emotional fucking mess, and I don't know what the hell I am doing!"
"Shh, honey, it's okay. Where are you?"
I snuffled back tears and took a deep breath. "The library at King's College."
"Okay. Calm down. Type in the password I gave you."
I followed her directions, typing ryder_sucks. The screen blazed to life.
"Did it work?" She asked, concern apparent in her tone.
"Yes…" I couldn't catch my breath. The panic threatened to take me under.
"Bella, honey, it's okay. You are in." She hesitated, and I could hear the concern seeping through the phone line. "What's going on?"
"I don't know, Rose. The doctor says this will go away, but every little thing sets me off. I can't walk in a straight damn line, I am super emotional, and I couldn't remember my goddamn password! How the hell am I going to get this dissertation submitted in any reasonable time if I can't even function?"
"Bella, you have to calm down. You are going to make yourself sick."
Sick. What a joke. At this point, I'd take sick.
"You okay? Do you need me to come get you?"
I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. I can do this.
"No, I'm okay. I just feel so out of control right now."
"Take it easy, okay? I know you; you are probably elbows deep in metaphorical garlic and wooden stakes." She laughed at her own joke. "I'm here if you need me, okay?"
"Thanks, Rose. I'm sorry I melted down like that."
"It's okay, Bella. Seriously. I'm just glad that you called." She hesitated, as if she wanted to say something more. "I need to get back to work. Call if you need me, okay?"
"Yeah. Thanks Rose." I ended the call and slipped the phone back in my bag. Resting my face in my hands, I took a few minutes to try and collect myself.
I can do this. I am okay. Take it easy, go slow.
Taking a deep breath, I steeled myself to focus on the task at hand. I opened up the word document that contained the intro to my dissertation, and spent the morning reading and making notes. I don't know if it was the time away or something else, but I felt like I was viewing my thoughts through someone else's perspective.
And it was good.
Really good.
It gave me a sense of hope; the logic was original, the way I had crafted the arc was engaging. I'd out done myself. And short of a hard proofreading and edit, it just might be ready to go.
Sitting back in my chair, I started to compile a to-do list in my head. Hard edits; submit to committee and schedule my defense session; call Angela to make sure it would be okay to stay with her and Ben; buy a ticket to Chicago.
When in Chicago, I'd have to start getting everything together. I had a safe deposit at the bank branch not far from our house that contained my worldly possessions. My birth certificate; my grandparent's engagement and wedding rings; my diplomas; some legal papers.
Everything I would need when I came back to London. My dad would have a fit, but deep down, I knew he'd be excited for me. He had always encouraged me to go live, do all the things that he'd never had a chance to do.
I was so immersed in my thoughts that I lost track of time. When I heard someone behind me call out to a friend about getting lunch, I peeked at the clock on my toolbar. 11:58. Crap. I was going to be late.
Powering down my computer, I shoved everything in my bag and walked quickly to the exit. The temperature was abnormally high for May, and students littered the lawn soaking up the sun.
Everything about the day was carefree, light hearted, including Edward waiting for me, car idling.
"I was starting to worry that you were going to stand me up," he teased as I climbed in.
"Sorry, I just lost track of time," I apologized. Edward leaned over the console, reaching out to pull the seatbelt across my body. He hovered over me, causing my heartbeat to pick up at his proximity. "What are you up to?"
He fastened my seatbelt, pausing for a moment to smile at me.
"I don't know what you mean, Isabella."
Settling back into my seat, I relaxed as he eased out into traffic. "I know better when you call me that. Am I going to get a hint as to where we are going?"
"That would take all of the fun out of it," Edward answered cryptically.
I let him drive, choosing to close my eyes to rest as he led me to where ever it was we were going.
"Bella…" Edward's voice called to me through a fog. "Wake up, sleepy head, we're here."
His hand traced the outline of my lips. I smiled, darting my tongue to catch the pad of his index finger before he withdrew. All contact since I'd come home from the hospital had been affectionate, but controlled. Edward had been walking on egg shells around me, so focused on my rest and mental state that he'd assumed an almost paternal stance around me.
"Who are you, and what you did to sweet little innocent Bella?" Edward teased as he unbuckled his seatbelt. "I don't know where this new found confidence is coming from, but I like it."
He'd been constantly reassuring me since the accident. How much stronger I seemed, more confident in what I wanted. At the same time, it felt like he had withdrawn from me a bit. It made me worry that, while the changes were positive, he liked the pre-accident version of me better. I wanted to say something, to ask if I'd done something wrong, but deep down I was afraid of what I might get for an answer.
Edward was the one person that I could always count on to be straight with me, and I hated knowing that he was treating me with kid gloves too.
I scanned our surroundings as he came around to my side of the car to open the door.
"Come on." It was all the answer I would get. He pulled me out of the car, closing the door behind me.
"Back to the scene of the crime, Dr. Masen?" I called to him as he threaded his way through throngs of children. "You might have some witnesses if you want a repeat performance of the car."
He pulled me forward to slip his arm around my shoulders. "Soon enough, Isabella. Maybe I'm just waiting for it to rain so I can rush you home."
"And tuck me into bed?" I hadn't meant to voice my frustrations, and immediately regretted my tone.
Edward stopped short; his arm dropping from my shoulders.
"I'm sorry, that was out of line…I just…" I just what? Tell him I love him, and he totally withdraws from me? That I am an emotional wreck who can't seem to get out of my own way? That I needed him, needed reassurance that I was still what he wanted?
But before I could continue, Edward grabbed my hand and pulled me in the direction of an aviary exhibit. The sign in the window indicated that it was under maintenance, and families passed it in search of lions, tigers and other legendary beasts.
He spun me around, my back up against a wall. His face inches from mine.
"Do you have any idea how frustrating the last week has been? Biding my time, making sure that you are getting enough rest, not over exerting yourself? All the while I am sleeping next to you, but not able to touch you like I want to? My god, Bella, you tell me you love me, and all I can do is peck you on the lips? What kind of bloody torture do you think that is?"
I couldn't help it, I started laughing. Edward looked at me confused.
"Oh, I'm sorry…It's just…" I continued to laugh, struck by the irony of it all. "The first time I slept with you, I beat myself up for being a whore. And ever since I've come home from the hospital, I've felt like you have this whole angel complex with me. It's confusing as hell, and I can't stand it!"
I continued to laugh, my sides aching with the effort. Edward's eyebrow was raised in curiosity.
"Are you done now?"
Biting my lip, I nodded yes.
"Then let me make this absolutely transparent. Do you remember what happened the last time we were here?"
He stepped in closer, so that there was hardly any space between us. "Do you, Isabella?"
I swallowed and nodded in acknowledgement. Edward reached up to run a finger down my neck, dipping down into the v of my t-shirt.
"Do you remember how desperate we were to get back to my flat?"
I nodded again, my breath starting to come in ragged bursts.
"That was nothing." He grabbed my hand turning it so that he can kiss the inside of my wrist. "I've got a few weeks to make up for, and I will assure you that that by the end of the day, you won't be using anything remotely resembling 'angelic.' Are we clear about that?"
He dropped my hand and closed the space between us to graze my jaw with his lips.
"Edward, I…' He cut me off, his mouth on mine, his tongue teasing at my lower lip. I responded immediately, trying to pull him in. I could feel him smile before stepping back.
"Just building anticipation." He tugged me out onto the path, weaving through bodies.
"Come on, you need to see a few things we didn't make it to last time."
He led me through the zoo, giving a running commentary on the animals that would have mortified any zoo keeper. Mating habits, odd little facts that were loaded with innuendo. Every statement, no matter how innocent would be accompanied by some action or gesture guaranteed to throw me off balance. Whispering in my ear, a kiss on the back of my neck or hand. A look that clearly communicated intent.
I was thoroughly wound up and on edge as we made our way through an exhibit on tropical sea life. Trying to get a handle on myself, I focused on the giant fish swimming past. I pressed my hand against the cold glass to mirror the posture of the starfish on the other side, focusing on the gold as a way to center myself. A large blue fish swam by, and I abandoned the starfish to follow its path with my index finger.
"Did you never go to the zoo as a child?" Edward's voice was low in my ear, his body pressed up against mine. "You exhibit such a sense of wonder and awe at the simplest things. If I didn't know better, I'd think that you'd never seen an octopus."
I followed the path of as an octopus as it glided past, tentacles spanning out elegantly.
"Yes, I went to the zoo and the aquarium, thank you very much. I just appreciate the simplicity of nature. Sometimes the simplest things are the most beautiful, and it's hard not to be awed by it."
"This is why I like bringing you to places like this. You watch everything with such wonder, which allows me watch you the same way."
His fingers ghosted along the back of my neck, flicking my ponytail, and then disappearing.
"Edward…" His words reduced me to nothing. There was something so simple, so base between us. Our lives were ridiculously complex, yet it was the simplicity in our interactions, our reactions that tied us so tightly together. Take away the trappings of humanity, the gentrification that comes from leading a civilized life. At the simplest level, we were tied together in a way that neither of us could break. It wasn't logical, nor was it practical.
"Do you know how hard it's been to respect your need to heal, Isabella?" Edward kissed the back of my neck. "I come home and find you in my kitchen making something to eat, or curled up in my bed asleep, and I want to claim you, make you
mine. I know you aren't a possession, and you deserve to be treated better than that, but it doesn't change the reactions that I have to you."
His hand snaked around my waist, palm pressed against my stomach. I was not going to survive much more of this, and I had a sneaking suspicion that when we left the zoo, it would be on his terms, not mine.
"Do you know why I always kiss you on your neck?" I could feel the heat of his breath against my skin, his lips gently grazing against my jugular. "I can feel your pulse pick up. Even early on when you pushed me away verbally, your body responded otherwise. It gave me the confidence to keep going. You tried so hard to be logical, and yet your heartbeat always gave you away. It gave me hope."
Edward didn't release me, yet he didn't push any further. He'd been so gentle, so considerate since bringing me home from the hospital. I loved that side of him, but I loved this too. The push, the antagonism had infuriated me at first, but I'd come to accept that it was part to what we were.
"Tell me what is going through your head, Isabella." Edward began to trace slow circles over my stomach, low enough to make clear his intention, but not anything that would be seen as inappropriate if we were being watched.
I laughed and dropped my head back against Edward's shoulder. "I missed this."
"Missed what?" He kissed my neck again, his tongue tracing over my pulse point.
"You. Us. This…" He sucked gently on the same spot, and my knees gave slightly. "When you do this…"
"I'm just telling you how I feel, Isabella." I could hear the mocking tone of his words. He was playing with me.
"You are baiting me, Edward. You know what it does, and you are doing it intentionally."
"Maybe I do, and maybe I am. But just for argument's sake, why don't you tell me what it does?"
His hand continued the slow circuit, the tension sparking between us. I gasped quietly as his hand slipped up underneath my t-shirt to stroke my bare skin.
"Are you going to tell me, or should I stop?"
"Don't stop." The words were out of my mouth before I could think. I was desperate for him to continue.
"Then tell me what you want."
My hand dropped to his leg, my fingers clutching at frayed edge of his khaki shorts.
"I like when you push me like this. It scares me a bit, but I like it." My words were shaky. The admission made me feel vulnerable, but I knew that he would never use it against me maliciously. "The things you say…"
"Really, Isabella? So you like knowing that I think about you? That right now, I'd very much like to find a dark corner where no one could find us, and have my way with you? You like being pushed out of that safe zone, don't you?"
"Yes." I kept my eyes closed, closing out the sounds around us.
He chuckled, his hand never stopping the slow circuit. "Very well then, I'll give you a choice. We can continue with our day, maybe even return to the scene of the crime, if you will. I know exactly which display I had you pinned against, and I can think of one or two things I might like to do to you there. Or we can just skip to the end and I can take you home. You tell me what you want."
I let go of his shorts, and turned to look Edward in the eye. He wore an amused expression, as if me being flustered was the most entertaining thing in the world.
I grabbed the fabric of his polo shirt and used it as leverage to push up on tip toe. His eyebrow rose a bit, as if intrigued by my action.
When I was close enough, I nipped as his earlobe. "What do I want? I want you. Take me home, and the minute that door closes, I want you."
I kissed the edge of his jaw. "I love you."
Edward slipped his arms around my shoulders, pulling me in tight to him. We stood rooted to the spot like that for a long moment.
"Those are the magic words. Come on." He led me away from the glass. "And not a minute too soon, I don't think I could have handled any more of what I was dishing out."
Our walk back to the car wasn't as frantic as the first visit here. We were both eager to get home, but this time we knew what would happen once we got there. There was no need to let uncertainty cloud our actions.
Edward got us back to the flat in record time, and the minute the door closed, he scooped me up and carried me back to his bedroom.
"As much as I would have liked to start this in the hallway, there are practical matters at hand. We really need to get you on the pill or something. Responsibility really puts a damper on spontaneity."
He sat me down gently on the bed, and tugged his shirt off. I reached out to pop the button on his shorts as he grabbed the back of my shirt and pulled it over my head. In a matter of seconds, all of Edward's clothes were gone, and he was tugging the last of my clothing down my legs. I stretched out to grab a condom from the bedside drawer when I felt his lips on my knee.
"Edward, no…" I was too wound up, I didn't want to wait.
"Shhh...trust me." He kissed my knee again. Then the outside of my thigh. I propped myself up on my elbows to look down at him.
He was kissing my bruises. The faint ones that remained from my accident. The newer, darker ones that came from my equilibrium issues.
He continued to kiss every scrape, every discoloration as he moved his way up my body. His fingers followed suit, ghosting innocently over the injury points before moving on to tease other areas of my body. The combination was a dizzying sensation of raw emotion and absolute and utter physical desire.
"Did you ever find in your research that the best spot to take blood from someone is right here?
His lips smoothed across a long dark bruise, stopping to suck on a sensitive spot on the inside of my thigh.
"Why, are you going to drink my blood, Edward?" I gasped as his teeth grazed over the artery.
"I actually had something other than blood in mind." With just the slightest shift of his head, he made good on his inference, his tongue gently probing and stroking.
My hands dug into the sheets, grounding myself against the overwhelming sensations that pulled at me, threatening to drag me under. His hands wrapped around behind my hips, cradling them as I writhed underneath him.
"Let go, Isabella. You don't always need to be in control. I won't let you fall." Edward's breath was hot against my skin, encouraging me to relax. To trust him. He'd more than earned my trust.
I let go of the sheets, curling my hands into fists and loosing myself as Edward pulled me further and further under his control. A momentary glimmer of panic hit as my orgasm overtook me, but something in my reaction must have alerted Edward.
"Relax." He kissed the inside of my thigh as his fingers took the place of his tongue. "I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere. Let go, Bella."
He continued to talk to me as I came back down, telling me how beautiful I was to watch, how badly he wanted me. When I managed to catch my breath, he began to work his way up my body, kissing the remainder of my bruises and scrapes. When he was eye level, he retrieved the packet I had grasped in my hand.
He paused to kiss the scar on my forehead. "I thought I was going to lose you, but you came back. You are mine now, forever, you realize that, don't you?"
I nodded, unable to speak.
He quickly tore open the packet, and I closed my eyes, remembering how I fumbled the first time I tried putting one on him. His comments about spontaneity and the practicality were enough of a nudge. Next time I was at the hospital, I'd have to make an extra appointment.
Edward's fingers found my hip, and gently pulled me onto my side, my leg draped over his hip. His fingers trailed up and down my leg, setting off goose bumps.
Shifting my leg, I pulled us closer together, desperate to push forward. Edward understood, rolling onto his back to pull me with him. His hands held onto my hips as he slowly pushed inside of me.
Dropping my head to his shoulder, I kissed his neck.
"I love you, Edward. " I kissed his neck again, trying to reinforce what felt so inconsequential to say. He arms tightened around me, pulling me closer into him, but not limiting my movement. I led. I set the pace, letting my actions demonstrate what I
repeated over and over. I needed to make him understand, to know how much I meant what I said.
Edward slipped his hand behind my leg, pulling it up so that my knee came to rest against his hip. The change in angle was just enough to push me over the edge. I gasped as the sensations claimed me. I vaguely registered Edward calling out my name as his fingers dug into my hips.
We lay tangled up together, unwilling to move, to break the spell. I kissed his shoulder, tucking my head into his chest. I wanted to stay like this forever.
"You kept your promise," he whispered against my hair. "You came back to me."
I bit my lip, holding back the tears that were welling up. I still felt so much confusion over what had happened, so much sadness over what it had put Edward through.
"Hey…no more crying. Everything is okay now." Edward rolled us to the side so that he could gently rock me back and forth.
"I'm sorry, I just…" I couldn't catch my breath. The tears just kept coming, and I was powerless to stop them.
"Hey….It's okay." He ran his hands up and down my back, shushing me and repeating over and over that it was okay until I calmed down.
"I'm sorry. God, way to ruin a moment." I snuffled into his chest. "My emotions are so all over the place these days."
"I know, it's okay." He held on to me as I struggled to collect myself. "I noticed you tense up earlier. What happened?"
I could feel the heat rush to my face. I was still finding myself in all this, and while I loved how he made me feel, I was still struggling with the way to articulate my feelings. Or how he made me feel.
"When you were…" My face felt like it was on fire. "When I…"
"Come on, Bella. It's me. You can tell me."
I took a deep breath and launched in. "It was so intense, and I felt like I couldn't catch my breath, and then there was almost like an explosion of light. And it reminded me of the last sensation I had before I fell."
Edward chuckled wryly, his hands running up and down my back, reassuring me.
"I have to say that is a first. I'd like to think that I knocked you off your feet with my oral skills, not sent you into a panic attack." He kissed my shoulder and pulled me in a bit closer. "I should have known better than to push you after what happened earlier today, but I couldn't stay away from you any longer."
Wiping my eyes, I pulled back to look up at Edward. "What do you mean should have known after earlier?"
"Rose called me after she talked to you today." Edward searched my face, waiting for a reaction.
I swallowed back the guilt at not telling him about my melt down. They weren't becoming any less frequent, but I didn't want him worrying over something he couldn't control.
"It's perfectly normal to have memory gaps, but I need you to tell me if these emotional flares keep happening."
"I should have, it just, well…" I could feel the tears welling up again. "Damnit, I am so fucking tired of crying! I'm pathetic!"
"No, you aren't pathetic." He kissed my forehead and pulled me closer. "You don't need to justify your actions, just don't do it again, got it? I won't be angry, and I won't pull away. I just want to make sure you are okay."
He was right. I should have said something. And yet I was afraid to. By acknowledging the melt downs, it felt like I was admitting that there might be something really wrong with me, not just a lingering symptom that would soon remedy itself.
"I'm okay, Edward. It will be fine. It was just a brain fart."
He kissed forehead again. "Such filthy language. I expect better than a soon to be doctor of letters."
"Hmm, would you rather I used my filthy language in other ways?"
"Such as?"
"Such as I am sick and fucking tired of you kissing my forehead. Since you've outted all those amazing oral skills, I'd much rather you use your mouth for other things."
His eyes narrowed, and that devious smile I had missed so much slipped into place.
"Really? Let's explore that, shall we?"
My innuendo was enough to redirect the conversation to much more interesting topics.
There were no unplanned emotional melt downs the rest of the day. I was safe, secure and loved. I had no fear of what might lurk around the corner.
That would be more than enough to help me weather these temporary flares, and soon enough, we'd forget that there was ever an issue in the first place.