Ah, it is the fault of our science that it wants to explain all, and if it explain not, then it says there is nothing to explain. But yet we see around us every day the growth of new beliefs, which think themselves new, and which are yet but the old, which pretend to be young, like the fine ladies at the opera.
Dracula, Bram Stoker
Chapter 27 - A Million and One Uses
"Come on, Bella! We need to go or you'll be late!"
I glanced over at the clock on the bedside table. It was 11:30 on Thursday morning. Two hours to go.
Lacing my fingers together, I rotated my hands palm out to crack my knuckles. Taking a deep breath, I glanced at myself in the mirror once more before grabbing my backpack off the chair and making my way to the kitchen.
"Okay, let's blow this popsicle stand," I called from the doorway.
Rose and Angela looked up, expectant smiles on their faces.
"What the hell are you wearing?" Rose asked as she surveyed my outfit.
"What? It's just a suit." I looked down, checking to see what was wrong. "I got it last year, I thought it was cute."
"Around your waist, Bella." Rose pointed, "What the hell is around your waist?"
I reached down involuntarily to fiddle with the woven silk that I'd slipped through the loops of my pants and tied in a loose knot. "It's a sash, Rose."
"No, it's a men's tie, Bella. You are not little miss fashion forward, so what gives?"
I looked away from her, knowing that she would see right through me. "It's for good luck."
Rose didn't say anything. She didn't need to. We both knew who the tie belonged to.
"Come on. Let's go. I don't want to get stuck in traffic!" Angela called from the garage door. "I am so excited!"
"You really need to get out more," I mumbled as I followed Rose out to the mini van. While I appreciated Angela's enthusiasm, my nerves were starting to get the better of me.
"Stop being grumpy and get in the zone. We'll talk to you in a few hours," Rose directed from the front seat.
She was right. I was nervous, which made me snappy. I pulled out my notes and tried to focus on the key points I needed to deliver. But I couldn't stop the thoughts that ran through my mind. 120 minutes until I would give my dissertation defense. 180 minutes from being done. I'd go into that room, Bella Swan. I'd come out Bella Swan, Ph.D.
Dr. Swan.
Dr. Masen.
Damnit Bella! Stop it. Stop thinking about him and focus on the task at hand.
I scanned through my presentation notes, trying to center my thoughts on Mina, Lucy, and the Weird Sisters. Anything but Edward Masen.
The ride downtown was quiet. Rose and Angela kept conversation to a minimum in the hopes of not creating a diversion. I gave up on trying to cram in any last thoughts, choosing instead to look at the window as the scenery flew by. The urban jungle that spread out before me was a radical departure from the green lushness of Whitby. It seemed such a dichotomy, almost like the industrial appeal of London as contrasted to the sparse habitation of Transylvania.
So much of my life had been about dichotomies. It was finally time to put that to rest. I knew where I wanted to go. One path forward was all I wanted.
"We're here," Angela announced as we pulled up to the curb.
I let myself out of the car, waving in acknowledgement as they promised to meet me in the class room. Rose and Angela knew me; they understood where my head was at right now. They understood that it was better to leave me alone right now.
Making my way across campus, I couldn't help but recall all the times I'd wandered across the campus at Kings. Someday soon, I would do it again, not because I had to, but because I wanted to. It was a strange sensation, having such a strong sense of closure when my future was truly uncertain. I guess love and faith gave you that.
The room was empty when I let myself in. A podium was set up in the front, wired for sound and audio visual. I had toyed with putting together a PowerPoint presentation, but given the time period in which the story was written, it hadn't felt appropriate.
"Hello, Bella," Dr. Banner called out from behind me. He stood in the doorway with two other members of the department. "Do you have everything you need?"
"Yes sir, thank you."
"Take your time; you let us know when you are ready."
They settled into seats in the second row. I noticed that Dr. Banner held a printed copy of my dissertation. The two others held notepads and looked bored.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I know this. I can do this. It's just a formality.
"Thank you, Dr. Banner, for arranging this today. My name is Bella Swan, and I'd like to spend some time explaining my arguments regarding the use of sexuality in Bram Stoker's Dracula, as outlined in my dissertation, Deconstructing Dracula and the Victorian Sexual Archetype."
Without a glance back, I launched in. For thirty minutes I spoke non stop about the story, the character evolution, and how in crafting such flawed female characters, Bram Stoker actually skewered the Victorian sensibilities regarding sexuality as opposed to supporting them.
I focused on Dr. Banner, gauging his reactions as I presented my points.
And for the first time in days, I felt free, strong. Confident in me and who I could be.
If Emmett were here, he'd be fist pumping in the back row and shouting "Rock that shit!" And Edward would be sitting beside him, cheek resting against his fist with an amused expression.
They both would have been proud of me.
When I finished with my summary, Dr. Banner nodded his head appreciatively. "Well done, Bella. We'd like to pose a few questions now. Dr. Cope, would you like to start?"
His deference was to an older woman on his left with a pinched expression. She glanced at her notepad before looking back up at me.
"Ms. Swan, you make an argument for the women in Dracula holding all the power, even though Victorian sensibilities recognized women as significantly inferior. The reality is that the men were the ones that truly held sway over the events in the book. How can you justify that Mina and Lucy were truly the influencers?"
I took a deep breath before launching in. "Thank you for the question Dr. Cope. While the male protagonists were the primary actors, their actions were set off by the choices or lack thereof by Mina and Lucy. Dr Seward and Quincey's actions were a direct response to their love for Lucy. Quincey's subsequent death was a derivative of that. He sacrificed everything that he had to see that no one else had to experience what Lucy did."
Just like Rose had when she told me when she refused to let Royce's family threaten Emmett.
Dr. Cope's retort was quick. "Lucy may have set off a chain of events, but those actions were accidental, the by product of her selfish nature. I don't see how you can justify her actions as being the driver for everything in the book."
"They weren't intentional, Dr. Cope, yet they did set in motion the circumstances in which the male protagonists, and Mina for that matter, found themselves. Our actions are often driven by our insecurities or poor decisions. Even then we can still influence the actions of others in a way that may totally change how things might happen."
Like Edward giving me an ultimatum. It had all been there when he said he couldn't handle me leaving and not coming back. It wasn't really an ultimatum, it never had been. It was simply his way of asking me not to leave. He didn't mean to push me away.
Their questions continued, each one probing deeper. The more they asked, the more it pulled me down into the morass that had been my life for the past six months. The desire, the deceit, the confusion, the love.
As rapid fire discussion continued, I felt myself buffeting back and forth between my dissertation and my life. The path of destruction was wider than I realized.
In my attempt to be so absolute in my life, I'd only made things worse. And the realization of how my actions had hurt others was devastating.
"So what you are saying, Ms. Swan is that the inherent sexual overtures of Lucy as a vampire were muddied by her actions as a human?" Dr. Cope refused to give up,
continuing to pound on the dichotomy of Lucy's actions as a human versus those of a vampire.
Focusing, I picked up the book I had laying on the podium, and flipped it open. I knew exactly the page I needed.
"When they find Lucy, after she's been changed, she does use sexuality as a way to lure in Arthur, to try and establish control. If you'll bear with me…" I stated reading aloud from the book
She still advanced, however, and with a languorous voluptuous grace, said: - 'Come to me, Arthur. Leave these others and come to me. My arms are hungry for you. Come, and we can rest together. Come, my husband, come!'
There was something diabolically sweet in her tones - something of the tingling of glass when struck - which rang through the brains even of us who heard the words addressed to another. As for Arthur, he seemed under a spell; moving his hands from his face, he opened wide his arms."
"One could argue that there are blatantly sexual inferences in statements like 'my arms are hungry for you' or 'we can rest together.' Yet at the same time, it's the use of the term husband that is telling. The emotional tie is just as strong as the sexual one. Had had Edward not loved me; I would have had significantly less sway over him."
And all the pieces finally fell into place. My seduction scene had sparked a chain of events. I had tied together love and lust and turned it around in Edward's mind. From his perspective, it all made sense now. I wanted him to make him understand how I felt, but instead of showing him how I loved him, I made him feel out of control and scared. The very thing he had been afraid of for me.
Oh god, what had I done?
As if picking up on my distress, Dr. Banner cut Dr. Cope off before she could ask another question.
"Thank you, Bella. If you could give us twenty minutes please?" He inclined his head towards the door.
Understanding his dismissal, I picked up my notes let myself out of the class room. Angela and Rose were waiting for me in the hallway.
"Hey! How are you feeling?" Rose held an arm out to me, and I accepted the hug gratefully.
"Baked. Tired. Seriously in need of a drink."
"Can we go?" Angela asked, glancing at her watch.
"I can't, not yet. The committee will meet and discuss, then call me back in to give me their decision." I sat down on a bench against the wall. "God, I feel like I was losing it there at the end. It all just felt so real all of a sudden, and I couldn't keep it together."
"Bella, after all you've been through, I am impressed you even got to this point! There is no way I could have done that!"
"You could have Rose. You are more courageous about this stuff than I am."
"This has nothing to do with courage, and everything to do with what you've been through in the last few months. Anyone else would have curled up and hidden away. But you plowed right on ahead. It was amazing!"
"Plowed ahead, but I sure left one hell of a wake," I shot back. It was all to close to the surface right now. I needed a breather. "Why don't you all go on ahead to the bar? I'll meet you there when this is done."
Angela had stepped away to retrieve voicemail messages. She returned with a curious expression on her face.
"Who would send you flowers, Bella? There was a voice mail from the neighbor saying that there was an arrangement left at their house for you."
I glanced at Rose. There was only one person who would have sent flowers.
"Do you know what they were, Ang?"
"She said it was a little vase with a single rose in it. No card."
I snorted a laugh. Probably hard to get wild roses in Chicago.
"Make sure you have a cold drink ready for me, will you? I don't think I'll be long."
"Are you sure you want us to go?" Rose stood, but there was hesitation in her question.
"Yeah, I'll be okay." I held up the cell phone she had given me. "It's not like you don't know where to find me."
"True that." She leaned down to give me a quick hug. "I'm proud of you. You accomplished what you set out to do and then some."
"We'll see, Rose, but thank you."
She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and followed Angela out of the building.
Once they were gone, I leaned my head against the wall and closed my eyes. The quiet was a balm for my frayed nerves, and I lost myself in the relative peace of the empty corridor. I didn't replay the events of the presentation. What was done was done. No point in belaboring them now.
Instead, I let myself go back to Whitby. To a wonderful day spent exploring the ruins of an abbey and the foundation of a fledgling relationship. I thought about the promises we made, the acknowledgement of what could be.
Never in my life had I missed someone as much as I did Edward at that moment. I should have been victorious, ecstatic. And yet it felt hollow due to the mistakes we'd all made.
"Bella?"
Dr. Banner stood in the open door of the lecture hall. He held his palm up, indicating that I should stay seated.
"That's not a good sign." I observed as he joined me on the bench.
"How are you feeling?"
"Okay. Tired. That was rather exhausting."
"I can only imagine. I have to admit that I was surprised that you decided to take this on so soon after your injury."
I frowned at him, unnerved. I hadn't told Dr. Banner anything about what had happened in London.
"Dr. Whitlock called to apprise me of a potential delay when you were in the hospital. He also called a few days ago to check in on you, and mentioned that you had been having a bit of a tough go with your recovery."
Shaking my head in disbelief, I looked away so that Dr. Banner wouldn't see the tears that had begun to form. Even here they tried to protect me.
"He was very concerned about you, Bella. I couldn't stop you from going through with your presentation, but I have to agree with him. You should have waited a bit longer."
Dr. Banner's words had a finality to them that cut like a knife. So Edward had been right after all. I hadn't been ready.
"So what do I have to do to resubmit?" I asked, the disappointment evident in my tone.
"Nothing. You don't have to resubmit."
"I'm sorry?" He'd clearly told me that I hadn't been ready. Had I been that bad?
"Bella, your written work was brilliant. Some of the best original thought I've seen in years. Yes, your oral defense got a bit shaky at the end, but it wasn't a reflection of your logic or your intellect." He smiled and squeezed my knee. "I would have preferred if you had waited, but honestly, I probably would have done the same thing if I were you. You've spent your life working toward this point. I am not going to penalize you for getting a bit feisty with Dr. Cope or accidentally calling Arthur Edward."
He removed his hand, and pulled a folded piece of paper out of his coat pocket. "Dr. Cope took a bit of convincing, but in the end, she saw the light. Congratulations, Dr. Swan."
He held his hand out, the folde 11 piece of paper there for me to grab.
"Take this to the Graduate school office and drop your water marked copies off for binding. Once you take care of that, you'll be on your way."
Dr. Banner waited for me to take the paper from him before standing. "I've taken the liberty of emailing a colleague of mine who is working on a book about Victorian literature. He needs someone to help him with research. I thought it might be a good thing for you while you look for a job. A way to make ends meet."
"Thank you, Dr. Banner. I don't know what to say." I was touched by the sincerity of his actions. "But I am not planning on staying in the states."
"Victorian Literature, Bella. He's not in the States." Dr. Banner turned back to the lecture hall. "Dr. Whitlock gave me the impression that you might be heading back to the UK. Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to go grab a late lunch."
The minute the door to the lecture hall closed, I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. I'd done it.
And I succeeded. It had been far from flawless, but I'd pulled it off.
I stared at the paper in my hand. Emmett was right; a piece of paper wasn't the solution to all my questions or problems. But it was a representation of an accomplishment. One that I'd spent the last ten years of my life working towards. I couldn't help but feel good about it
Thirty minutes later, Angela, Rose and I stood in the center of the same dive bar that we'd drank in as underclassmen. The first bottle of cheap champagne had been quickly polished off and Rose had already placed the request for a second.
"Slow down, Rose! Champagne hangovers are the worst!" Angela cautioned her.
"Don't be such a stick in the mud, Ang! We are celebrating! You are just crabby because you are the DD!"
I sat quietly, listen to them banter back and forth. It was strange; I would have expected to be bouncing off the walls with excitement over finally succeeding. Instead, I felt oddly introspective and calm
"So, Dr. Swan. Just a little something for you…" Angela pulled a white envelope out of her purse and handed it to me. Rose stood beside her, trying to fight back a smile.
"What's this?"
"Just open it, damnit!" Rose commanded.
"Are you in on this too?"
She smiled back at me innocently. "It was my idea actually."
I pulled a folded piece of paper out of the envelope and flipped it open.
"You have thirty-six hours to get your shit in order babe. Then it's time for us to go home."
I held in my hand an itinerary. Business class on Continental, Saturday morning nonstop to Heathrow.
"You guys, I can't accept this. It must have cost a fortune."
"Um, no. It's just your ticket, moved up to Saturday. We pooled our Amex points to get you into biz class. I didn't think it was fair for you to be stuck in steerage while I flew back with free drinks."
Rose took a drink from her glass, and then threw an arm around my shoulder.
"Look, Bella, I don't have your perspective on what happened with you and the good Doctor, and you know that he and I don't have any love lost for each other. But Emmett called me last night and came clean on the natural disaster that he helped create. I think he meant well, but apparently it was his brilliant idea that spurred Eddie boy into proposing."
Angela choked on the sip of Diet Coke she'd just taken. "You said she met the love of her life in London, not that he proposed? What the hell Rose?"
"Step off, Ang. I didn't find that detail out until last night. Besides, I want to hear it from the horse's mouth." Rose reached out to grab the paper from my hand. "You can have this back after you spill it. What the hell happened the night you showed up at my place?"
There was no way she'd let me dodge the questions. With Angela to back her up and holding the car keys, I was literally and figuratively at their mercy.
"Well, the first part of the night went well…" I hoped that she would have forgotten what I had planned; it was the last thing I wanted to talk about right now.
"So the dress worked, eh? Did he jump you the minute he walked in the door?"
"It didn't work out quite like that. I, well…let's just say that a lot of things spun out of control that night, and in hindsight, I think I was the one that set the whole thing off."
"Somehow I doubt that. You were a mess when you showed up at my place, and I highly doubt that it was self-induced."
"What do you want me to say Rose? That I basically seduced him? That I acted totally out of character, which confused the hell out of him? I just wanted to make him feel like I did, but he saw it as a byproduct of the accident. And then when I mentioned coming back here, he lost it."
"Lost it how?" Angela asked, immediately on the defensive. "He didn't hurt you, did he?"
"No, no he'd never do that. He didn't want me to come back to the States yet, and tried to convince me to wait until the fall. He thought I couldn't handle it. Honestly, a few weeks ago he was probably right. And maybe I should have waited a bit longer, but it's all water under the bridge now. I did it and I don't regret it. I felt like it was something I owed to myself, you know?"
"So what about the proposal?" Rose was like a dog on a scent, and wouldn't let up. "Did he have a ring and everything?"
I shook my head, refusing to let the scene play out again. "It wasn't that sort of a proposal. He threw it out as a way to help me to stay in the country. I think once it was out there he realized how it came across. But then it was too late. He was too mad, and I was too hurt. And it just went downhill from there."
"Oh Bella, why didn't you tell me?" I'd expected Rose to be angry at Edward, to go on a tirade about what a jerk he was. Yet her focus was solely on me. "I know how much you care about him. I can't believe he did this to you again…"
"It wasn't just him, Rose. I helped make this mess too. Hell, we are both at fault in our own ways. I just wish that he would talk to me. He walked out of the flat that night and I haven't seen or spoken to him since."
"Not once?" Angela gasped. "But I thought he proposed!"
"He did. Then he told me if I left, he wouldn't wait and walked out."
"Son of a bitch," Rose muttered under her breath. She had already whipped out her cell phone.
"Rose, no…"
"Hey you fucking redneck. You kind of left out a few details, didn't you?"
Angela's hand flew to her mouth, her eyes wide. I rolled my eyes and waved it off.
"This is their idea of a healthy relationship."
We listened as Rose ranted and raved at Emmett about what he'd left out. After a bit, I found myself actually feeling sorry for the poor guy.
When she hung up, she threw her phone on the bar with disgust.
"That fucking idiot. I swear if I didn't love him I'd kill him." She scraped her hair back into a ponytail, and then knotted it at the nape of her neck. "They've been talking everyday. While Edward might not be taking your calls, he is checking in with Benedict Redneck frequently to get updates."
Rose continued to rant about men and their juvenile behavior. But all I could focus on was that Edward hadn't given up. He'd let me stand on my own, fight my own battles. But he never stepped away.
Rose grabbed the itinerary off the bar and handed it to me.
"Hold this up."
I took the paper from her, and looked down at it, confused.
"No you idiot, hold it up so that I can see what it says. To the side so I can see your body."
I followed Rose's directions, not sure where she was headed.
She retrieved her phone and held it up as if to take my picture. "I heard you left quite a going away note. According to Emmett, the post script was epic and has someone all turned all around."
"What did you say?" Angela asked, not quite following our back and forth.
"That she refused to accept his ultimatum. Our girl Bella grew some balls in London." I couldn't help but laugh at her comment and Rose chose that moment to snap the picture.
"Perfect," she mumbled as she tapped on her keypad.
"What are you up to, Rose?" Her mumbling and the picture were making me nervous.
She tossed her phone back on the counter. "Since he won't take your calls, I thought I'd be the one to fire the warning shot. Who said it had to be with a gun? A camera works just as well."
"What did you do?" Her enthusiasm was making me nervous.
"I sent the picture to Emmett, along with a message. He's going to forward it to Edward."
We stared at each other for a long time. She looked pleased as punch. I probably looked terrified.
"What did it say?" Angela asked impatiently.
"That Bella was heading back to London, and even though he was a total git, she kept him with her the entire time."
I self consciously reached down to fiddle with the blue silk.
"Oh, that is so romantic!" Angela gushed. "Is that really his tie?"
The best I could do was nod.
"Let's get out of here. You need to wrap your shit up so that we can go home." Rose grabbed her purse. "And let's grab some real hooch on the way. We have a lot of things to celebrate. Not the least of which is you finally being done with school."
I followed them out of the bar, replaying the day's events in my head. It was all a blur, and I hadn't fully processed how I felt about everything.
But there was thing I was sure of. Rose was right. It was time to go home.