There are mysteries which men can only guess at, which age by age they may solve only in part.
Dracula, Bram Stoker
Chapter 29 - The Labyrinth Maze
It was a small miracle that I managed to stay awake for as long as I did. Between the red eye from Chicago to London and the drive north to Whitby, I'd been going nonstop for almost two days, surviving on a few short cat naps and adrenaline. The only thing that kept me moving was now behind me, and even with Edward's hand resting securely over mine on the stick shift, the steady roar of the motor slowly lulled me to sleep. I vaguely remember Edward lifting me out of the car and carrying me into Dunsley Hall. The echo of laughter trailing down the hallway to greet us.
"Come on, let's get you to bed." Edward started toward the stairs. "Don't argue. I know you will, but you are exhausted. Everyone will be here tomorrow."
My hand instinctively twisted into the cotton of his shirt, and I closed my eyes, no longer capable of fighting. It felt like that was all I'd done of late. Fight with him, fight with myself, fight for us. Somehow, I'd managed to run the gauntlet to emerge battered but jubilant. There was a future, and no need to rush. I could cede this small bit of time.
I think I fell back asleep before we ever reached our room, and for the first time in a week, it was free of dreams.
"Bella…Bella, come back…"
Hearing my name called with such desperation pulled me up out of a deep sleep. For a moment I felt panic, disoriented by a dark room I didn't know. And then I felt Edward next to me, his body tense. One arm thrown up over his head, his other twisted in the bed sheets.
He was dreaming. And in his dream he was calling my name. He was still struggling, afraid that I would leave again. My fight was over. I needed to let him know his could be too.
I glanced at the clock on the bedside table. It was well after three in the morning. No point in waking him up. Rolling onto my side, I moved as close as I could, resting my
head on his chest and draping my leg over his. Soon the mumbling stopped, and his heartbeat slowed under my hand. His body relaxed, and he rolled slightly towards me.
"It's okay, I'm here. I'm not leaving again, I promise," I whispered. It was as much for me as it was for him. I finally knew where I belonged in the world, and how all the pieces around me should align. My bad dreams had finally gone away; maybe in time his would too.
We lay in the dark for a long time, Edward's breathing steady and even. He didn't talk anymore.
"Wake up sleepy head."
Fingers combed through my hair, starting at my scalp then gently dragging down through the tangles. I pressed my face deeper into the pillow, enjoying the sensation. He continued the circuit, fingers pushing gently against my scalp, then pulling through my hair, letting the strands fall back to my shoulders only to repeat again.
Pressure, work through the tangles, fall away. Over and over.
"I don't suppose you brought me breakfast in bed," I mumbled into the cotton of the pillowcase.
"Breakfast was hours ago. I did bring you a cup of coffee, but late lunch is more like it."
I rolled over and gingerly opened my eyes. The room was still dark, the heavy damask curtains drawn against any light.
"What time is it?"
"It's 2 in the afternoon here, 6 a.m. in Chicago. I'll let you stay on Central time for one more day, and then we are reprogramming you," Edward teased.
"So long as you keep doing the hair thing, you can reprogram me all you want." I struggled to sit up, feeling a bit lightheaded. It had been more than a day since I'd last eaten, but I didn't feel overly hungry. "Coffee?"
"Yes, coffee. And some toast, I didn't know how hungry you would be."
"Kay, let me hit the loo, then I'll down that in two gulps." I crawled out of the giant bed and stumbled to the bathroom. My legs felt a bit rubbery, and I had to brace myself before sitting down. Maybe that food would do me good after all.
"You realize what you just said?" Edward called to me, his voice muffled by the closed door.
"What, that I had to go to the bathroom? It's a normal thing people do when they wake up. I might even brush my teeth too."
I flushed the toilet and turned the water on in the sink, quickly washing my hands before spreading toothpaste on my brush.
"No, Bella. You called it the loo."
"Mowwhat?" I mumbled through a mouthful of foam.
"Brit's call it the Loo, Bella. Since when do you use British slang?"
I leaned over to spit toothpaste in the sink, then cupped my hand to catch the cold water. A quick sip and rinse, then another cup splashed on my face had me feeling halfway human. I glanced in the mirror, and was greeted by bright eyes, hopeless hair, and dark circles. I looked like I hadn't slept well in a week, and I really didn't care. I threw open the door and rushed across the room, throwing myself in Edward's arms. The momentum was enough to knock him backward from his perch at the edge of the bed.
"Since I decided to become a wannabe Brit," I whispered against his cheek. "They really do have some rather quaint sayings. The man at customs told me I was the bee's knees."
"That you are. Now I thought you wanted coffee?" Edward teased as he kissed my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer.
"Screw the coffee. We're back here and we're okay. Everything else can wait."
We'd said our piece yesterday, laying everything out on the proverbial table for analysis. We'd both collapsed in a state of mental and physical exhaustion after, letting a bit more time heal the wounds. The road stretched out in front of us, no clear path, just ours to explore. There was no map, no directions, and I'd finally decided that I could be okay with that. Life with Edward would never be easy, but that's what made it worthwhile. I understood how our pieces fit together, and as long as I kept sight of that, I could allow everything else to just be. It was a testament to how much I had grown, and because of that growth, how much I could trust those around me.
"You need to eat," he insisted as his fingers ghosted along my neck. "You're blood sugar is probably low."
"I'm fine," I insisted. But Edward would have nothing of it, rolling me off onto my side so he could reach over me.
"Eat a slice of toast," he demanded, holding it aloft.
"I'm fine, Edward."
"Eat."
I frowned and took a vicious bite out of the piece of bread. It was almost too big, and I had to chew vigorously to swallow.
"More please," he instructed, sounding like a demanding father. Or pediatrician. I guess he wasn't far off.
"Your bedside manner sucks," I snarked before taking another bite. He continued to hold the toast as I chewed. Four more bites, and I'd managed to consume it all.
"Better, but…" Edward's hand, now free of toast, moved towards my face, his thumb pressing against my chin, forcing me to turn away. "You have butter right…here."
His tongue was warm against the corner of my mouth, just a quick touch and then it was gone.
"How do you do that?" I whispered, my heart slamming in my chest.
"Do what? Wait, missed a spot." His tongue was back, just underneath my lower lip, a torturously slow tease.
"You barely even have to touch me," I whispered, my breathing shallow. "I don't want to rush anything or be stupid, but my god, you just…"
He kissed my chin, moving lower, down my neck to the hollow of my throat. His cheek came to rest just to the side, and he didn't move.
"God I love that feeling," he said, his fingers pressing into the same spot on the other side, just above my collarbone. "I can feel your pulse racing, and I know that I do that to you."
He grabbed my hand and flattened my index and middle fingers against his throat, in exactly the same spot. I could feel the steady thrumming as his blood raced below the surface. It was a strong staccato thump just like mine.
"It affects me too, Bella, don't you understand that? It always did. I never stood a chance against you. And now I don't care. No more against, just with. No more fighting, no more confusion. "
He kissed my throat, his lips just barely skimming my skin. "But I will never stop this. I love that I can provoke you, and I love your fire. Burn me all you want. It's not rushing into anything; it's just accepting what has always existed between us."
"What if this goes away? Or if it fades?" I asked, suddenly afraid of the prospect.
Edward laughed and propped himself up on an elbow. "Do you trust me?"
"I came back to England, didn't I?"
"Close your eyes, I want to prove something to you."
I frowned and opened my mouth to protest.
"Isabella…" he warned.
"Fine," I huffed, closing my eyes.
"When I met you, you were so closed off," Edward murmured. His fingers traced lightly over the bridge of my nose, my eyebrows, then back down my cheekbones. "I pushed you and tormented you to get you to open up. Every little thing I did, every touch…" his fingers moved lower, along my neck and down onto my chest, stopping just over my heart, "was meant to incite a reaction. It scared you didn't it?"
I nodded, waiting for him to continue.
"And eventually, it didn't scare you anymore, but you didn't want me to stop, correct?"
Nodding again, I wriggled, trying to force him to move.
"Stop it, I'm not finished yet. Do you like being off balance?"
"Yes?" I whispered, my answer coming out too much like a question.
"So tell me," he asked, "did you like throwing me off balance, before I panicked and blew everything up?"
His hand started to move again, up along my collar bone, down my arm, raising gooseflesh as he reached the inside of my wrist.
"When has anything about us ever been calm or complacent?" his hand moved across my stomach, slowly pushing the cotton of my T-shirt out of the way. "If I can make both our hearts beat this hard by barely touching you, how the hell would that ever go away?"
My eyes flew open, and I tried to sit up, but Edward would have none of it.
"Isabella…" he warned.
"Fine," I huffed again, dropping back and closing my eyes.
"Are you worried about getting bored?" Edward asked as he resumed his exploration, drawing small patterns on my stomach. Waves. Circles. Loops.
"Somehow I don't think you'll ever be boring," I gasped, squirming and trying not to laugh. His touches tickled.
"Then what are you afraid of?" he asked. "We've already established that I will probably put up with everything you dish out and then some."
I sat up again, my elbows holding me in place. "Are you admitting a weakness?"
Edward frowned, taking in my smile. Then he laughed, shaking his head in amazement.
"Everything about you is a weakness you silly, insecure, petulant little girl. Don't you get that by now?"
"Really?" I was amazed, totally dumbfounded. I wasn't insecure about how we felt about each other, but I never anticipated that we would be on equal footing; at least not in that regard.
"Really. Now are you going to take this somewhere, or is all of my antagonism for naught?" Edward lay back on the bed, his fingers laced behind his head.
"You little shit!" I pushed him, laughing.
"You're the one that accused me of winding you up and watching you go. I just decided I liked doing it more when I wound you up and made you laugh at the same time." He jerked his head slightly, inviting me closer. "Now are you going to do something about this, or is it a lost cause? Bag's over there if you need it."
Such was the dynamic between us, ever changing, constantly evolving. We might not be on equal footing all the time, but we had learned how to give and take. More appropriately, I'd learned how. Leaning over, I kissed the tip of his nose, and then his chin, staying far away from his mouth.
"Did you really pack a stash of condoms? Isn't that a bit presumptuous Edward?" I blew on his neck, trying not to laugh as he shuddered. "I told you before; we don't have to worry about that anymore. Do you not listen to a word I say?"
"Who's torturing who now?" Edward groaned as I popped loose the button on his pants. "I didn't want to assume…"
I quickly tugged at his clothing, not answering. He'd already kicked off his shoes, so with a quick shake, the rest of his clothes were on the floor. I wriggled free of my clothes and grabbed his wrist, pulling him into a seated position.
"I told you we didn't have to be safe anymore," I murmured as a slipped into his lap. "I went to Chicago, but I kept taking the pill."
"Bella, I…"
I wrapped my arms tight around his neck. His hands came to rest on my hips, and we began to move slowly. It was the same and different. We were in balance this time, no one taking more than the other could give, and always knowing that this was finally real.
"I love you I love you l love you," I repeated over and over in his ear, one hand threaded in his hair as the other pressed against his back. I could feel his heart hammering. He was right. I had no need to be afraid. We wouldn't change. This is who we were. Time wouldn't change that; we'd only grow stronger. Fight together, not apart.
Edward's forehead dropped to my shoulder as he struggled to catch his breath. We had barely a minute of silence before a loud thumping filled the room. I couldn't help the giggle that escaped as I buried my face in Edward's neck, embarrassed at what might have been heard.
"Enough with the whole reunion shit already," Emmett hollered through the door. "You have the rest of your lives to hump like bunnies. I just kicked Carlisle's ass at cricket, and croquet is next, so get dressed and get the hell downstairs."
"He's your friend," Edward insisted.
"Funny, I was going to say he's yours," I responded.
"Does that mean we can get rid of him?"
"Do you want to?"
He laughed and kissed my shoulder. "No, I've gotten a bit attached to the bugger. Go shower, I don't want him breaking down the door and crawling in bed with us."
"Rose might get jealous."
Edward shuddered. "Go, you are giving me visuals I most decidedly do not want."
"How the hell can that be fair?" Emmett protested as the red lacquer bail sailed off into the bushes.
"All's fair in love and croquet, Emmett," Esme chided, twirling her mallet. "Did you really think I was going to go easy after you trash talked your way through cricket?"
I sucked my upper lip in between my teeth to hold back a giggle. Apparently Emmett made the mistake of telling Carlisle and Esme about his experience playing Rugby with Edward. Emse decided to further his indoctrination by introducing him to other English sports. We'd obviously been too 'busy' to make his introduction to cricket, but we weren't spared Emmett gloating about how he'd 'lit up' Carlisle. There was some additional color commentary about baseball being a real sport. Emmett was far from the gracious winner, even if it was merely batting practice.
Esme, ever the loyal wife, decided to take him down a peg by bringing out the genteel sport of croquet. Immediately rising to the bait, Emmett made it all of ten minutes before Esme had sent the first of his balls sailing out of bounds.
His eyes were wide as she turned to face him with an innocent smile.
"St Mary's High School, four years of field hockey," she said sweetly.
"Didn't you get offered scholarships?" Carlisle enquired.
"A few Big Ten schools offered up money, but I decided to focus on academics instead." She twirled her mallet like a baton. "Your turn, Emmett."
"You, I…" Emmett fumbled, shocked by the turnabout. He glanced over at Rose, hoping for some sort of support or reassurance. I was unsuccessful in holding back the laughter. Petite Esme, looking like a school girl twirling a demented baton, stood next to Emmett, beaming. She was so tiny next to him; the perky little head cheerleader next to the star quarterback. Only instead of basking in adulation, the star quarterback handsome face was marred by a scowl. He was even less gracious as a loser.
"Consider this payback, Benedict Redneck," Rose teased. "You deserve to have your ass kicked, just be glad it's not me."
"If you think you can take me, you're daft woman," he shot back. "I'll haul you out back to the wood shed and whip you senseless."
"Emmett, if you are going to throw about the Queen's English, you might want to consider not following it up with something out of the Deliverance," Esme teased him. "Now are you going to play or concede?"
"Squeal boy!" Rose shouted, before dissolving into giggles. We were all punchy from the fresh air and exercise, and found ourselves laughing over every little thing.
Emmett grumbled and stalked towards the bushes.
"And there goes Emmett, off to find his nards," Carlisle laughed.
"Ball, singular," Emmett shouted back. "Don't go cracking out all your cheesy British sayings on me, Bella and I already established they make a great game, didn't we, B?"
"That we did, Em." I smiled, remembering a silly little game that had helped pull me out of my funk. Once I'd laughed at them, now they were working their way into my vocabulary, just more proof that things had indeed changed.
Carlisle, Rose and Esme all stared at me as if I had two heads. Behind me I heard Edward chuckle.
"Bear with me," I said. I waited for Emmett to return from the bushes, spinning a red lacquer ball in his left hand. Waving to catch his attention, I turned my hand, holding it up, index and middle fingers extended to form the number two. But instead of turning my hand to face him, I kept my knuckles out and shook my hand slowly. Edward snorted beside me.
"Game on." Emmett dropped his mallet and shot out his right hand, middle finger extended to flip me the bird. "Right back at ya, Dr. Seuss. And I like the American version much better."
"Edward, I worry about the company you are keeping," Carlisle sighed. "They can be quite crass."
"Oh faff off, Carlisle. I've seen you do worse," Esme corrected him. "I do believe one of your favorite sayings is 'go see a man about a dog,' is it not? Can you tell me how a dog is synonymous with taking a leak?"
Carlisle's cheeks turned a brilliant scarlet red as we all collapsed in laughter. Soon croquet was abandoned for the genteel art of insult hurling. Someone would throw out a saying, and it would be countered with its 'across the pond' equivalent. Edward even snorted when Carlisle threw out 'meat and two vedge' and Rosalie countered with 'franks and beans.' Why anyone ever thought to compare genitalia to vegetables was beyond me.
"As enlightening as this is, it's getting late, and I need to start dinner," Esme said as she climbed to her feet.
"I'll help you." Rose jumped up, followed by Carlisle.
"I need to call and check in at the hospital," Edward whispered to me.
"Go ahead on in, I kind of like it out here."
"Go on, you limey prick," Emmett teased. "I'll keep her safe."
"That's exactly what I'm afraid of," Edward shot back. They both smiled with each other, and Edward rapped Emmett on top of the head. "Snarky bugger."
We sat in silence of a while, watching as the sun dipped below the horizon.
"So are things what you expected?" Emmett asked.
A finch bounced across the lawn, stopping here and there to root for grubs or worms. In the distance I could hear a dog barking. All peaceful, normal sounds, nothing out of place.
"Was it what I expected? I don't know, Em. Nothing has been, but that isn't always a bad thing."
"Yeah, I get you there." He leaned back on his hands and stared at the trees. "I'm glad we were both too stubborn to give up on each other. Or give in for that matter. We would have missed out on some amazing things."
"You know what's funny, Em? You are the only guy I can think of where settling wouldn't have been a bad thing at all."
He leaned towards me, nudging me gently with his shoulder, his dimples carving deep indentations around his mouth. "Nah, I'd break you."
"In your dreams, Benedict Redneck." I reached up to press a finger into his dimple. He smiled deeper, grabbing my hand so that he could kiss my wrist.
"I will never betray you, Bella. Ever."
So much hung between us with that simple statement. We'd kept each other afloat, and learned so much from each other. We'd also each done our fair share of damage. But the damage had been necessary to reach the point we were at today. I may always call him Benedict Redneck, but it will forever be said with affection, not malice. In truth, I could never ask for a better friend.
"You are one of a kind, Emmett."
"Don't you forget that, Dr. Seuss." He stood, brushing off the seat of his pants. "And my one of a kind is inside. I'm headed in, you coming?"
"No, I'm good."
He smiled and started toward the house. "Don't stay out here too long. We don't want some dark and mysterious stranger to steal you away like Miss Lucy."
"Hahah, funny. Believe it or not, I've had enough Dracula parallels to last me a lifetime. Now go away and take your bowie knife with you, Quincey."
He laughed and turned his back on me. I watched Emmett walk across the yard, his long stride relaxed as his head bopped to the beat of an unheard song.
Once he was out of sight, I heaved myself up off the ground and wandered toward the tall hedge that had lurked in my peripheral vision for the last few hours. It felt like ages ago that I'd gotten lost in the maze; the despair and the realizations of my mistakes sending me into an absolute panic as I raced blindly to find an escape.
Somewhere in those dark green walls, I'd started to find the answers that had resided within all along.
In the fading light, the maze had the same mythical quality it had that first day. The green hedges a pristine deep emerald against the hazy pink and purple sky. I'd spent so long living in books, constantly comparing real life to the written word, that I'd missed out on the real things. It didn't mean that I couldn't find the beauty in similarity; I just needed to know where it ended.
"When Alice and I were small, the people that owned this place used to throw big parties here. All Hallows Eve, Summer Solstice, you name it. I can't tell you how many times we got lost in that maze." Edward observed from behind me.
"The night you showed up here, and I came busting in soaking wet? That's where I'd been." I responded. "I got lost, and then I panicked when I couldn't find the other side. I kept hitting all these dead ends and wrapping back around. I finally gave up and back tracked until I found my way out."
Edward grabbed my hand and pulled me into the maze, weaving expertly through the tall hedges.
"It's too dark. "We're going to get lost!" I protested. The memories of being stuck came rushing back, and I could feel the claustrophobia start to close in around me.
"You won't get lost if you know what you are looking for," Edward answered cryptically.
We continued to weave through the hedges, the darkness slowly settling in, turning the hedges darker and darker until they were almost black. Just when I was about to demand we turn back, we entered a small rounded clearing, roughly eight feet in diameter. A small iron table and four chairs were arranged in the center. I'd not found this spot the last time I was here.
Edward picked up the hurricane lamp from the center of the table, retrieving a small lighter hidden underneath the base.
"Good old Esme always keeps a torch at hand," he murmured as he lit the candle and lowered the glass back into place. The flame flickered against the damp wax before catching on and growing. A steady, warm glow illuminated the small clearing, returning the hedges to their previous emerald glory.
"I didn't find this last time," I murmured as I walked around the table, taking in the setting. It was so mystical, like something from another time or place.
"This is a labyrinth maze, Bella. There is only one branch, one way in and out. The challenge isn't to get from one side to the other, but to get to the center and back out again." Edward pointed to the opening on the other side of the clearing. "That is the way out, and it ends where we began."
"You've got to be kidding me," I sighed, leaning against the edge of the table. "Wouldn't it just figure?"
It was fitting in a way. I'd gone in looking for the other side, focused on the end and not the journey. I'd gotten lost along the way because I wasn't ready to reach the end yet. I needed to get to the center first, to the heart of the matter.
"I had to find myself before I could find you," I said quietly.
"That seems to be the case for both of us, wouldn't you say?" Edward lifted the hurricane lamp off the table, and extended his free hand to me. "But we know where we're going now, and we have light. We won't get lost this time."
I took his hand and followed as he led me out the other side of the clearing. He was right. We wouldn't get lost. Not this time.
And even if we did, we were together.
We'd make it adventure. We knew how to do that now too.