This chapter takes place from Santana's perspective. I'm sorry this chapter is shorter than usual but it felt like a natural place to end the chapter. Thanks so much for all your support! Brownie points to each and every one of you. Hope you enjoy! (:
Two. Apologize
"I need you like a heart needs a beat but that's nothing new."
- Apologize, OneRepublic
I feel Brittany's arm drop from my waist before I begin to run out of the room, bounding down the stairs with Brittany close on my heels. As we reach the bottom of the stairs and enter the den we find my family swarmed around the recliner chair where my father always sits. I quickly but carefully cut between Reyna and David; I can see Brittany continuing to follow me in my peripheral vision.
My father is sitting unresponsive in the recliner. My stomach immediately drops, it feels like someone has pulled my heart right out of my chest. "Lily, what happened?" I ask her because I knew that she is one of the few members of this family that has the ability to stay level headed.
I can hear Brittany whisper to Ashley to call 911. Jeremy goes to get me a small flashlight before Lily begins to speak. He had gone to medical school a year after he and Ashley got married and was now an ER doctor, so thankfully he knew exactly what to do to help. I begin to check the LVAD battery packs as I listen. "We just all sitting here having a chat and Abuelo just stopped talking. He tried to talk but nothing came out and his eyelids began to droop."
That's not good, definitely not good. I know what this means but I'm searching for another possibility because this one is simply to hard to face at this moment. The battery packs are charged. I can now see that he's diaphoretic. I place my ear against my father's chest due to not having a stethoscope on hand. His heart rate is dangerously low. I lift my head up as Jeremy comes up from behind me and begins to check my father's pupil reactivity. He looks down at me with a concerned look on his face.
"I need to start hand compressions. He's almost bradycardic." I go to lift my hands up to my father's chest but Brittany stops me by taking my hand.
"You shouldn't be the one to do this. Jeremy knows what he's doing. Let's go wait for the EMTs and explain to them everything when they get here okay?" Her eyes meet with mine. She looks at me with the utmost compassion and concern in her eyes.
I know she's right yet I have to tear myself away but I manage to stand up as Jeremy begins the compressions. "Ash you stay here and take care of the kids. David, get the cars started to we can follow the ambulance. Rey," My voice is wavering by the beginning of my cut off sentence.
"Mami, I'm not a kid. I'm going with you." Lily's voice echoes through the room breaking my concentration from the list of things I need to do. It wasn't like her to react this way but I can sense the fear in her voice. And the fear, fear can make you do almost anything.
"Lily, you." I begin to tell her that she needs to stay here and make sure that the rest of her siblings, and cousins for that matter, are okay.
"No, Ma. I'm going with you whether you." She doesn't get to finish her sentence either.
"Lily Quinn Lopez!" Brittany's voice is loud but it's not filled with what I'd call anger. "This is not the time for this. If you were old enough to go to hospital with us you would know that which is why you'reI not going. I know that you're scared. We're all scared. But you need to stay here. Help take care of Jesse and Jonah, you're responsible enough to do that, right?"
It was so out of character for Brittany to be the level headed one in this situation. I was always the one to level the battle field during fights with our children, especially in fights with each other. But it wasn't unfulfilling to see. It was just what I needed right now because I couldn't bring myself to do it.
Lily doesn't verbally respond, instead she just nods before beginning to usher Jonah and Jesse upstairs without protest. Nik and Tommy wordlessly and swiftly follow Lily upstairs as well. Penny and Lina go as Emily brings up the rear holding onto Reyna's eldest son, Jude's hand as they walk up the stairs behind them.
"I'll stay." Ashley assures us, clearly not wanting me to worry any further. "The older kids will be able to help me with Jonah and Jesse. We should be fine. Just call and give me updates when you can. She places a hand on my shoulder before going upstairs as well.
I notice that the once crowded room is almost empty. All that is left is Reyna, David, my parents, Brittany and I. "Reyna, let's go upstairs and wait for the paramedics. You were there so you can help me explain." I can feel Brittany place a hand on my arm. I can't help but her tense up slightly as she tries to get me to leave.
"I'm sorry, Tana, but I'm not leaving him." Reyna turns her head to look me in the eye. I can see the fear in her eyes, the fear that I'm certain is present in every single person who is in this house.
"Okay." I simply nod. I take the time to place a kiss to my father's clammy hand before beginning to reluctantly heading for the stairs to wait for the paramedics. I'm not going to fight her on this. Brittany never lets of my arm as we begin to climb the stairs.
As I reach the foyer I realize how much I need to get out of this house, even if it's just for a moment. I need a break from the chaos. I need my children to not be afraid for their grandfather's life.
I slip on a pair of flip-flops and exit the house, Brittany shutting the door slowly and silently behind us. I take a seat on the front porch swing which begins to move when I sit down. Brittany swiftly takes a seat next to me, wrapping her arm around my shoulder as I edge closer to her; begging to be able to feel anything else instead of afraid. I stop for a moment to take in the scene around me; the large oak trees along the edge of the yard, the tire swing suspended from one of its branches, my mother's pitiful 'garden' at the edge of the driveway that was filled with weeds due to it's lack of maintenance. As I notice all these things that make up the front yard of my childhood home I let the tears I didn't know I was holding back stream down my face.
Everything was out of my hands now. Sure, I was a doctor but there was nothing I could do to save my father from this; absolutely nothing. All I could do now was to wait as my heart broken into hundreds of little pieces.
What feels like hours later the sound of sirens fill my ears and within seconds the flashing lights of the ambulance can be visible. I quickly sit up off the swing and wipe the tears from my eyes in order to compose myself; I needed to help them not get in the way.
"Ma'am is this the Lopez's residence?" A tall blonde EMT asks as he gets out of the ambulance. His voice is filled with seriousness and his face mirrors his tone.
"Yes, sir. My father is downstairs. I'm a doctor and I've done all I can. He's an LVAD patient, I check the battery packs and they're fine but I believe there are complications with the LVAD and he appears to be having a stroke." My voice is wavering uncontrollably but I get make my point.
"Thank you, Ma'am. My partner and I will do everything we can to help him." He motions to his partner who is on the way to the house with a stretcher.
"Follow me." I quickly open the door to the house and make my way down the stairs to the den. My heart breaks even more at the sight of my brother-in-law continuing the compressions on my father.
"J.P" My voice is whimper as I make my presence known.
The EMT makes his way to Jeremy's side before speaking. "I'll take over." His voice is firm but I can sense the sympathy.
"He's bradycardic if you don't keep the compressions going." Jeremy moves her hands as the EMT moves his hands forward. "Sorry, I'm a doctor."
"I understand Sir. I just need you to stand back so we can move we're taking him to Lima Memorial where we can assess him better. But I do believe you're correct, his is having a stroke. We'll have the neurologist and cardiothoracic surgeons meet us in the ER so he will be in extremely good hands." He says as he and his partner lift my father onto a stretcher. "When did the incident occur?"
"About fifteen to twenty minutes ago." Brittany replies as she takes her place next to me, wrapping her arm around my waist for support. I can't help but grab her hand in response. I need Brittany to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. No matter how upset with her I am I need her now more than ever.
"Okay, thank you." The other EMT says quietly as these two strangers lift the stretcher up the stairs, holding my father's life in their hands.
The drive from the house to the hospital was turning out to be more awkward than I thought it would be. My mother had opted to get a ride with Reyna and David; leaving me alone with my wife. The issue of Brittany not telling me about my father seems to be the pink elephant in the room, figuratively speaking. I can't help myself, I bring it up.
"Brittany, I don't understand." She doesn't repond, she doesn't even flinch. "Brittany." I can't help but slightly raise my voice at her because otherwise I wasn't going to be able to get her attention.
"Huh?" Brittany takes her eyes off the road for a moment, looking me in the eyes. There's no denying the concern she has for both my father and I. "What did you say?" Clearly she's been to focused on getting us there as soon as possible that she doesn't realize I've been speaking to her.
"Why didn't you tell me? I know that this isn't the best time to talk about this and that you already gave me somewhat of an answer. But to me it was someone of an excuse, not an answer." I hang my head as I look out the passenger door window. I can't bring myself to look at her right now, no matter how much I need her.
Brittany sighs in response before taking my hand in hers and begins to answer me. "I understand that it may seem like an excuse but it's exactly why I didn't tell you. It may seem selfish but it's true. I couldn't be the one to tell you about your father because. Well you know the phrase 'don't shoot the messenger'?"
I simply nod slightly in response. By the tone of her voice I can tell how much she's hurting, it may not be her father on the way to the hospital right now but it might as well have been. I can hear her sniffle slightly before she continues to answer my question.
"I didn't want that situation to happen. Even if your father's condition getting worse wasn't my fault I felt that if I was the one to tell you, you would react like it was. I just couldn't bear to see you look at me like that. I just couldn't. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you. It may have seemed to be the best thing to do at the time but now I can obviously see that it was stupid, extremely stupid and moronic of me to do that. I'm sorry. You have no idea have sorry I am." She lifts my hand to her lips and places a sweet kiss on the back of my hand.
"Britt, you're not stupid. It wasn't the best thing to do but it wasn't stupid. At this point, I just wanted to know why. I just wanted understand the logic behind why you did it. I'm not upset anymore, there's no way to go back and change it." I squeeze her hand to reassure her that I'm not angry and that I still love her.
"Do you remember after we went to the fertility doctor for the first time before we got married to make sure we could have kids when the time was right? And we got a message on the machine from her telling us to call her. Do you remember?" Brittany clears her throat as she waits for my reply before bringing our hands back down slightly above the gear shift resting on the center console.
"I remember." My voice could almost be considered a whisper.
How could I forget? I could remember every detail of that night. I remember coming home to find Brittany tossing and turning in our bed having a nightmare. I can still remember holding her as she cried herself to sleep. The images haunted my rare nightmares.
"This is something like that. Remember how I couldn't tell you what was wrong? I had just looked over at the answering machine hoping you'd get the point. I couldn't be the one to tell you about the doctor's message. I couldn't bring myself to be the one to put that look on your face. I couldn't be the one to make you feel like that. I couldn't tear your hopes away."
I take the time to look over at Brittany. Her cheeks are now lined with tear streams flowing down her face. "Brittany." I say trying to get her to look at me but she stubbornly keeps her eyes on the road. "Brittany." I try once more but still no reply; just as it was that night almost twenty years ago. "Britt-Britt. Look. At. Me."
Her baby blue eyes meet my contrasting chocolate brown eyes. They are filled with tears that I'm surprised aren't blurring her vision. "I'm sorry."
I take my other hand and fully enclose Brittany's hand between my own two. "I love you." I sigh contently. "I love you and that's what matters. We all make mistakes and I don't need you to be sorry. I just need you to be here with me because I love you and I need you. I need you, not you trying to make up for your mistake. Just be here with me because I need you now more than ever."