This chapter is written from Brittany's point of view, the italics is a voice over, and the bold is a flashback. I really hope you guys like it! There is also a longer author's note at the end of the chapter! (:
Four. World Spins Madly On
"Thought of you and where you'd gone,
And the world spins madly on."
- World Spins Madly On, The Weepies
"Cowards die many times before their death," Shakespeare may have wrote those words hundreds of year ago long before our society's time and customs existed but he did have a point. If we spend our time being anxious over death, the inevitable, we die more than once. We die every time we miss an experience because of our fear. Shakespeare continued on with "The valiant never taste death but once." And there is where the lesson lies. We have to lean into the fear and live. We have to live valiantly so that when death does come, we have no regrets.
I feel Santana's grip on my hand instantly disappears with the sound of the monitors beeping echoing through the hall. Her black hair is only a flash as she runs into her father's room. Artie quickly follows behind her. Yet somehow my feet hare anchored to hallway floor. I watch my wife of almost twenty years rush to her dying father's beside and I'm stuck here. It is as if the world stopped spinning, as if time has stopped. But in reality it hasn't.
In reality, time is never ending and the world keeps spinning never stopping even for a moment. Even if it feels like everything is coming to an end it keeps going on. It keeps going on because you're not the only person in the world feeling this way. And you have to fight it. You have to give into the fear and the pain and just keep going.
I begin putting one foot in front of the other and make my way into Miguel's room. I look over at the monitor which is showing a flat line. I see Artie press the code blue button out of the corner of my eye. I turn my head to see Santana holding onto her father's hand, "Papi, don't do this. Please, don't do this. Por favor, no hagas esto." she manages to say before she begins to break down into sobs.
I'm able to catch her, wrapping my arms around her waist, as her legs begin to fail her coming dangerously close to crumple beneath her. "I got you. I'm right here." I gently pull her to her feet. The sound of her sobs is echoing the room is pulling at my heart strings making it extremely hard for me to keep composed. "I'm not letting go." I whisper into her ear. "Santana we need to move so they can do their job."
I slowly back up moving her along with me as I hear the sound of sneakers squeaking against the hallway floor. "I don't want to let go." Satana says breathlessly as the code team enters the doorway.
"I know, honey, I know but we have to." I kiss the top of her head as she reluctantly lets go of her father's hand. I take her now empty hand and lead her out of the room.
"I can't, I can't." Santana barely gets these few words out and is unable to finish her sentence. But she doesn't have to because I know exactly what she's thinking.
"Don't say it, San. It's not over yet. We don't know what going to happen. Don't give up hope yet." I look her straight in the eye, brushing her hair out of her eyes. "Don't let go."
She buries her head into the crook of my neck, gripping onto my shirt. I wrap my arms around her, cradling her in arms, fully knowing that there's nothing I can do to stop this from happening. The difference between life and death is out of my hands.
A few moments later Artie rolls of out my father in law's room. The look of defeat on his face says it all; the worst has been reality. She gives me a look of sympathy before beginning to speak. "Santana, I'm sorry. We did everything we could but he had a rare reaction to the tPA that was impossible to predict. I'm really sorry for your loss."
Santana looks up at Artie now for the first time. "Thank you, I, I" She tries to speak but she can't finish.
"It's a lot to digest I know, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for your loss and for before. I know it was years ago but still sorry, to the both of you."
Today wasn't the first time Artie had seen Brittany since high school. A few years after he had left for school Artie had returned for Christmas break and had run into her at the grocery store. But back then he was still the Artie Abrams that was rude and just happened to ask Brittany who the hell she was after Brittany had been slightly cold with him because she remembered all the pain he had caused us, me more so than her. But it was behind us.
"Its okay, Artie, but thank you." I give him the best smile I can muster, as I slightly tighten my grip on Santana continuing to try and comfort her.
"If there's anything you two need just page me and I'll do what I can. There's a coffee station in the attendings' lounge if you need some caffeine or anything if anyone questions why you're there just tell them I said it was fine for you to me there. Just have a nurse page me if you need me. Again, I'm sorry. Brittany, Santana." Artie nods then smiles sympathetically before slowly backing away and disappearing around the corner.
"I'm so sorry, honey." I place a kiss on Santana's temple as the tears that I didn't know I was holding back begin to trickle out of my eyes and stream down my cheek. "Is there anything you need?"
"I just need you to hold me. Please?" She looks up at me, sorrow seeping from her chocolate brown eyes.
"I can do that."
"How is he?" Santana's cousin Carlos enters the doorway, completely breath taken. He leans against the door frame for a moment before realizing what has happened.
I can't get over how much my son, Tommy, looks like Santana's cousin. Carlos himself looks like a male version of Santana. His black mop-like hair and the hair of my son are almost one in the same. They share their most prominent features; their eyes, nose, cheekbones, and smiles. Normally I would find this endearing but right now I wish he didn't, oh how I wish he didn't. I wish my son wasn't a spitting image of him because I never wanted to see the look his face on the face of Tommy or any of my children; or Santana for that matter.
Carlos' eyes are beginning to fill with tears which are highly out of character for him. Carlos was the typical big brother figure. He was protective over his family; his wife, his children, his cousins, especially Santana. I remember hearing numerous stories about how Carlos was the one who taught her how to fight, telling her just because she was small didn't mean she wasn't a Lopez and Lopez's knew how to handle themselves. How he stood by Arizona's side and helped her when turmoil took over when first realized she was gay. He was even a strong man back then but right now in this moment he looks like a young boy whose dog has just died.
Carlos walks over to the bed pulling a chair behind him. As he sits down he takes the lifeless hand of one of the best men I've ever known; the man who raised my wife to be the amazing person that she was. And for that I'd be eternally grateful.
I look over at Santana who is staring at her cousin. I can tell she's think the same thing I am. She's comparing Carlos' features to those of our son, her eyes tracing their identical features. After a few moments Santana looks up at me, her eyes filled with tears. "How are we going to tell them?"
She doesn't need to explain who she means by them because I instantly know who she's talking about. Our children. And the truth is right now I don't know the answer. Instead of answering her I take her hand in mine. "Let's go get some coffee, we'll figure it out soon enough, San." I give her the best look of assurance I can.
She wipes the tears from her eyes with her other hand before answering me. "Okay." She stands up from the chair she's sitting in and I quickly follow suit.
As we're almost out the door Santana stops. She lets go of my hand, turning away from me. I'm about to enquire what she's doing but I realize before the words are even out of my mouth. Santana lays a hand on Carlos' shoulder. "I'm sorry you weren't here. I'm so sorry." She bends down and places a kiss on her cousin's cheek. She rubs Carlos' shoulder before walking slowly to me. I wrap my arm around her shoulder and usher her out the door, praying that we'll all be okay after this.
As we enter the attendings' lounge I notice next to the coffee station is partly occupied. Artie Abrams is staring into a coffee cup, a look of sorrow in his eyes. I look over at Santana to see her reaction and to see if she wanted to continue any farther into the room. She looks at me at nearly the exact moment and nods, signaling that she doesn't have a problem with continuing to enter the room.
Stepping further into the room causes Artie to look up from his coffee cup. He gives us a look of slight shock before starting to roll out of the room. "I'll just get out of your hair."
"Its okay, Artie. There's no need for you to leave." Santana gives him her the best smile she can, which I can see is genuine.
"Thanks." Artie replies sheepishly as her rolls back towards the large sitting in the center of the room.
Satana begins to walk towards the coffee cart, "Go sit down, I know how you like it." Santana gives me an encouraging smile.
I carefully take a seat on the other navy couch across from Artie as he takes a sip of his coffee rather than just staring at it. It is only then that I notice the gold band on his left ring finger. "I see you're a member of the club now too." I smile trying to get to know the Artie Abrams that replaced the one I used to know.
He obviously doesn't know what I mean considering a quizzical look crosses his face. "Excuse me?"
I can hear Santana chuckle slightly behind me. I can't help but smile again. "I meant that you're married now." I chuckle at the relief that instantly floods Artie's face.
"Oh, that's what you meant. How did you expect me to have a sweet clue what you were talking about?" He smiles before taking another sip of his coffee.
It's strange to see him acting so civil with me, it's just as if we had only ever been friends and his behavior towards Santana after I broke up with him had never happened. It was highly unlikely that this was going to happen but now that it's happening I can't deny that I missed Artie, as a friend.
"Yes, I did get married, why are you so surprised?" He chuckles as he places his now empty coffee cup on the coffee table that is between us.
"Well the Artie Abrams I knew thought that marriage was for people who wanted to be slaves to their significant others." I roll my eyes as I feel Santana take a next to me. She hands me my black three sugars coffee before blowing on her own and taking a sip.
"Well that version of me is long gone, even though I do have my sarcastic moments every once in a while. I've grown a lot since then." Artie sits back in his chair making himself more comfortable. I can tell he's becoming calmer around Santana considering out their past interactions.
"How long have you two been together?" Santana asks trying to continue friendly conversation.
"Maggie and I have been together seventeen year and married for sixteen." He smiles a full blown smile after speaking this time.
"Well considering you changed, and got married did kids ever become part of that equation?" I'm purely curious because Artie had never seemed to be the type to have children. He had always seemed too much of a kid himself to ever want to be parent to anything more than a thamagotchi.
Artie laughs; I can tell his sense of humor hasn't changed much even if he has. "Surprisingly they did. We've got two. I'm assuming the two of you have kids, I could tell just by the look on your face when you ask Santana. How-" He is unable to finish answering the question as his pager begins to go off, vibrating atop the coffee table. "And that's all the time we have on the Dr. Abrams show." Artie laughs as he picks up heis pager. "It's a 911. Sorry we didn't get talk to more. It was great to see you again, both of you. Again, I'm sorry for you loss." He smiles before swiftly grabbing his coffee cup and tossing it in the garbage can as he rolls out the door.
I look over at Santana who is putting her cup on the table. She looks up at me; her are slowly beginning to fill with tears once again. I can tell bringing up the kids has got her back to thinking how we're supposed to tell them. "You know what I'm going to ask don't you?"
I put my half empty coffee cup down next to hers. "Yes." I lean back on the couch, wrapping my arm around her shoulder, leading her back with me so that her head rests on my chest. As our bodies come in contact I can feel hers begin to shake as she tries to hold in her sobs. "And I know the answer now."
"You do?" her voice is quite now while I run my fingers affectionately through her beautiful raven black hair.
"I do." I say as I tuck a few strands of Santana's hair behind her ear my fingers come in contact with Santana's soft skin for a moment until it meets a sporadic scar. The memory of why the scar was formed instantly begins to play out in my mind.
"Are you serious, Santana? You seriously don't know how?" I'm trying so hard not to laugh. The whole thought of this being true is completely ridiculous to me.
"Yes, Brittany, I'm serious." Santana gives me a stern look as she slaps me playfully on the arm.
"I can't get over how Santana Lopez, queen of the peds wing doesn't know how to ride a bike. What the heck did you without me as a kid? Play cards with your abuela all day?" I finally chuckle because I can't hold in my laughter any longer.
"It's not funny. I did things. I was more of a TV watcher and lego playing type of a girl, remember? Biking just wasn't my thing." Santana puts her hand atop of mine which is pushing the stroller in which Tommy and Catalina were sitting in. We had dropped Lily and little Nik at Quinn and Rachel's house for a play date but we decided it would be a great time for us to have some alone time with the twins.
"Well, I'm going to teach you. And no, we're not starting off on training wheels either." I can't help but laugh at the thought.
"Britt, I'm never going to need to know how to ride a bike." She replies stubbornly.
"Yes, you are. What's going to happen when the kids get a bit older and they want to learn how to ride a bike and I'm working so I can't teach them, huh? They're going to be asking why you can't teach them. Do you want to have to deal with the embarrassment of telling your children that you can't ride a bike and that's why you can't teach them? Do you really want to do that?" I know exactly how get her to give in. I don't want her to miss out on this experience; this is one of the experiences I can give to her.
"Fine, but if I'm hurt in any way and stitches because of this Puck's going to be the one to do them, not that stupid intern he swears is the best thing since beer. Promise to make sure he does it?" With this statement Santana jinxed herself. She had managed to trip over her own feet, earning us a trip to the hospital.
"Britt-Britt?" Santana's voice is full of concern.
"Sorry, San. I was just remembering you trip over your own feet and getting this." I place a soft kiss on the scar near her hair line.
"Okay." Her voice has gone quiet again, signaling she's beginning to worry about telling the kids again.
"We're going to tell them that your father lived a good life because he did. He got to be an amazing father and grandfather. He experienced the majority of this of the things the world had to offer. He didn't let his fears stop him from living. And he taught that lessons to his family, to you, and we taught that to them. So he lives on in our experiences and he's proud of them, he may not be here to say that but that doesn't mean it's not true. We'll tell them to live valiantly, to make him even more proudly, and follow in his footsteps."
Santana sits up and turns to face me. "Since when are you so good with the serious stuff?" She says placing her hand on my cheek. "It's perfect."
"I wouldn't say perfect but–" I don't get a chance to finish my sentence as Santana's lips find my own.
"Don't ever die on me." Her eyes are beginning to fill with tears once again.
"I'll do my best not to." I kiss her forehead pulling her into my lap, wrapping my arms around her protectively.
"I love you, Brittany Susan Lopez." At her words blood rushes to my cheeks, even after all these years it still makes me blush.
"I love you too, Santana Eulalia Lopez."
I truly wanted to thank all of you for reviewing. Your reviews make my emotions go all over the place; making me smile, laugh and cry. I am so happy that you are enjoying the emotional ride that I've created with this story and that understand how important it is to me. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you to every single one of you!
And to answer Chrissie32's question, I am refering to their high school years. In my own personal opinion I do not see Artie as a nice guy, any respect I ever had for him was lost when he called Brittany stupid. I personally think he's an arrogant, manipulative arse. But I do believe people can change, as currently seen in this story. Hope that clears up any confusion or questions (: