This chapter takes place from Santana's perspective, bold is flashback! I would love to get some feedback on this chapter because I'm slightly worried about it.
Five. Memory
"We could fall apart, and I'd be your memory."
- Memory, Sugarcult
Walking into my parent's house, "No, it's not my parent's house anymore it's my mother's house." I mentally correct myself, felt surreal. The silence echoing through out the house brings me back to my nightmares I slowly acquired after my first few years as a resident. After my sister visited us in New York for the first time they became more vivid.
I would walk though my silent childhood home, the furniture would all be replaced with tiny coffins of the patients I tried so hard to save but couldn't; all except for one. As soon as I would make my way up the main stairs her bedroom door would always be open. And there it was; an adult size coffin surrounded by candles and haunting photos from our separated childhood. I would always manage to get through the doorway before I woke up screaming.
"Santana." I'm shaken out of my reverie by the feeling of Brittany's arm grazing against my own as she takes hold of my hand. "I'm right here. We can do this. I promise." She quickly leans in and places a chaste kiss to my temple.
As she pulls away I look into her warm baby blue eyes I can see the sincerity and love that is also clear in her voice. I can feel the tears beginning to form in my own. Hearing the door shut behind me signals that my mother, my sister, and my brother-in-law have entered the house.
I turn around to find David with his arm around my slightly sobbing mother. This image brings me back to that unbearable day my sister momentarily died in my arms. My father is holding onto my sobbing mother to keep her from collapsing to the ground. Every family member at the get together had someone to hold them; all of them had someone except me. Brittany, my sweet, innocent Brittany was at home miles and miles away; away from all of this pain and suffering. But today was different; today I had someone to hold me while I cried and my mother didn't have the man who loyally stood by her for over fifty years, my father.
"It's hard, I know. I may not know what it's like to lose a parent but I do know what it's like to lose one of the people who keep your feet on the ground." The image of Brittany at her grandfather's funeral a few months after the twins were born crosses my mind, causing my stomach to churn.
She gets to say no more as Ashley enters the room from the main stairs. The small sympathetic smile that was on her face disappears as she comes to the realization of what has happened by the looks on all of our faces. She continues down the stars, giving a hug to Reyna, before making her way over to my mother. She pulls my mother into a hug before speaking.
My sister-in-law looks over at Brittany and me. "Almost all of the kids are asleep. Santana, only Lily, Nik, and Tommy are awake, Lina fell asleep in Nik's lap earlier."
That's all I needed to hear. "Where are they?" I try and keep my voice as calm as possible but somehow it cracks at the end of my words.
"Lily convinced them to go upstairs to your room." I can hear the sympathy in Ashley's voice as she gives me a smile sad smile. I only now notice the tears that are forming in her eyes.
"Thank you, Ash." I reply as Brittany wraps her arma round my waist before beginning to usher me upstairs.
I'm thankful Brittany is leading me because I know if it was solely up to me I wouldn't be able to move. My feet would be concreted to the hardwood foyer floor. As I put one foot in front of the other I slowly pull myself together knowing that this is about to be the hardest thing I've ever done.
As we finally reach my childhood bedroom doorway the sight of Lina in Nik's lap her arms draped loosely around his shoulders. This position of my youngest daughter and eldest son brings back memories instantly.
Walking down the halls I tried desperately high my head held high. I had told myself that this time I wasn't going to let it affect me. I was Santana Lopez, HBIC, head cheerleader. I was made of steel.
"I am who I am. Nothing's going to change that, it doesn't matter what they think. I know who I am, over half of them don't even know who they are themselves, let alone who I am. It doesn't matter."
I mentally try to give myself a pep talk but the obvious whispers and awkward stares are too detrimental. It was clear that the entire school had seen the commercial when it aired yesterday evening. I keep walking, feeling the tears beginning to form in my eyes, I fight them back as hard as I can; fully knowing that there's nothing I can do to stop them completely, only slow them down.
As I walk further and faster down the hallways it is as I am parting a sea. No one stands directly around me they quickly move out of my way, giving me more awkward looks and extremely rare looks of sympathy.
Coming closer to the set of emergency stairs leading out of the school I see an all familiar face. At first he smiles like he always does, it's present only for a moment as he realizes that I am not smiling back. Carlos' smile fades as I continue to walk past him.
Thankfully McKinley didn't have alarms on emergency exits so I swiftly made my way to the empty staircase without drawing more attention to myself. I continue down the flight of stairs leading out of the school. Midway down the second flight I hear the door open behind me and Carlos call out for me to stop. Even if my heart was telling me that stopping was a rational idea my feet kept on going, never stopping until I reach the bottom of the staircase. I attempt to hide like a child playing hide and seek under the stairs, leaning against the wall trying to control the sobs that have now begun to take over my body.
My attempt to hide is futile. Carlos doesn't exit the school to run after me as I had hoped. He knows me to well not to do that. Instead he slows down as he reaches the last flight of stairs before slightly hesitating as he tucks behind the stairs.
My vision has now become slightly blurred with tears; his features are only slight incoherent. He sits down on a bench next to me that I hadn't noticed until now. As he sits he taps the spot next to him, signalling for me to follow suit and sit next to him.
I reluctantly take a seat next to him, as I sit the sob I've been holding capture in my throat escapes creating a strangled cry. I bend over, burying my head in my hands as if in shame.
"Don't do this, Santana." I feel his warm bear paw hand on my shoulder. "You're better than this. You're better than hiding face in your hands as if in shame. " I can hear the sincerity ringing out in his tone even though I can't bring myself to believe him at this point; despite only being a month older than me, Carlos was the big brother I never had.
"No. No, I'm not. And by the way you're not helping." I manage to spit out.
"Yes, you are. You proved that your better than this when you decided to be who you are without hiding one of the things that make you 'you' Santana. So yes, Santana you are better than this." Carlos' voice is firm yet somehow comforting.
"I didn't have a choice in hiding." I bite back, clearly my Lopez defence reflexes still work when I'm spoken to.
"But you didn't deny it either, though did you?"
His tone reminds me of my father. It is the same tone my father used when I had sat him and my mother down and told them I didn't like men. My father's response now beings to echo through my mind, "Are you still who I raised you to be?" I am. I am still the same person I've always been except for the fact that I'm now telling people something about myself I never have before. But that doesn't make me a different person, a person who isn't better than hiding in stairwells. I'm still that feisty, yet lovable girl who knew how to handle herself and how to protect the things she loved. Always have been and always will be; my sexuality will never affect that. Carlos, and my father, was right.
"You're right." I look up at Carlos, wiping the tears from my eyes. "As much as I hate to admit it, you're right. I don't deserve to wallow in myself pity no matter how much I want to."
"Exactly, now what do you have next period?" My cousin now gives me a classic Lopez smirk.
"Study hall, no wait, I have chemistry." I say with a forced laugh.
"Okay, so you're going to walk into that chemistry class head held high and show them that I am right." I slap him on the arm. "Hey! What was that for?"
"That was for tooting your own horn." I give him a genuine smile before laughing.
"Come here you!" Carlos pulls me into his lap giving me a bear hug as I wrap my arms around his neck.
"I don't know what I'd ever do without you. You're the best slightly older brother I never had. You're going to make some girl very happy one day." I say hopping out of his lap picking my backpack off the ground as I go.
Carlos sits up wearing a proud smile on his face. "You already do Santana. Don't forget that okay?"
I can't help blush at the thought of Brittany. "I won't."
"Mami?" My memory dissolves as Lily's anxious voice fills the room. All of my children are sitting on my bed.
I look over to Brittany for the help I desperately need. She gives me a look filled with admiration before squeezing my hand for reassurance.
"Ma, is Abuelo okay?" Nik is next to speak. It is rare for him to speak before everyone has spoken; he managed to obtain the quiet gene, which is something he definitely got from Brittany's side of the family. He and Brittany's Uncle Ben tied for the quietest Pierce in family history most definitely.
I look into my son's eyes. The desperation and anxiety is present in their purest forms. If I looked close enough I could see tears slowly beginning to form. Nik was a strong kid and was definitely the best older brother Catalina and Tommy could have asked for but right now he looks just as he had on his third birthday when Brittany and I had failed to bring him to the park due to me being called in on triage duty. The look that is on his face right now is the adult version of that same expression, he was no longer my little boy who preferred soccer balls to playing with trucks and couldn't stand having to wait for his Kraft Dinner to be finished.
I can feel Brittany's grip on my hand tighten. She's giving me the reassurance that I need whether she knows it or not. I take a deep breath, getting up the nerve to speak. Brittany realizes that I might not even be able to answer him so she begins to answer the question for me. I only allow her to get his name out before cutting her off, this was something I needed to do; prepared or not. This was for my kids, not for me.
"No, Nikolas." Tears are now forming in my eyes starting to blur my vision. "No, Abuelo isn't okay." I quickly wipe the tears out of my eyes trying to keep myself composed.
"So when can we go see him at the hospital? Considering by the sounds of it he's not coming home soon. Can we bring him a birthday cake? Get Ma to make one? Does that sound like a good idea, or no?" Tommy speaks up beginning to ramble, Brittany right on the spot, and then stops realizing he has be rambling causing him to blush slightly.
My face must have given away what I was going to say because Lily gets to the punch before I can even say a word. "Tommy." Her voice is laced with concern and sorrow. I can't help notice her sniffle as she looks over at Tommy.
The tears in my eyes have now become inevitable, they begins to stream down my face as I let go of Brittany's hand and take a seat on the bed with my children. Brittany swiftly follows suit, sitting on the edge of the bed, wrapping her arm around my waist as if to protect me.
"I'm sorry, honey, he's, he's," I had promised myself on the car ride home that I wasn't going to break down in front of them. I promised myself that I'd put on a brave face and be a good man in a storm. But right now that promise means nothing as sobs begin to take over my body.
My wife let's go of my waist and begins to run her fingers down through my hair trying to comfort me. She clears her throat before beginning to speak. "Your grandfather," She is cut off for the second time in the past five minutes but this time it's not by me. It's Nik.
"Mom, what about Lina?" He motions to his baby sister who is peacefully asleep in his lap.
Brittany looks down at me as if to look for answer to the question I know is running through her head. I simply nod while trying to regain control of myself.
"As much as I hate to do this to her, I'm going to wake her up." She answers Nik's question.
"Can't we wait 'til she wakes up? Just so she can get some sleep."
"Sweetie, I know your heart is in the right place but I can't do that. Doing this once is going to be hard enough on me, let your Mom wake her. Okay?" I say, Brittany just smiles slightly trying to make us feel better even if it's for a split second.
I wipe my eyes before putting my hands down on the bed. To my own surprise I feel two warm hands place themselves on top of my hand. Look up to find Lily and Tommy looking me straight in the eyes. Their eyes both mirror my own; filled with tears and starting to become slightly bloodshot.
Brittany edges closer to Nik and Lina, "Sweet pea, you've got to wake up now." She runs her fingers through her hair trying to wake her.
"Momma, what time is it?" Lina replies as wipes the sleep from her eyes as Brittany retreats slightly, pulling her finger out of our daughter's hair.
"It's four o'clock, sweetie."
"Then why are you waking me up?" A shocked expression comes across her face as she comes to realization. "Is Abuelo okay?"
"No, baby he's not okay."
"He's never going to get to watch us graduate is he?" She's the only one of our children who is able to say something like this. She may have been the youngest but she was the most outspoken. Whenever something was on her mind she said it, blunt honesty.
"No, baby, he's not going to be there but he's going to see you from heaven. I know it sounds cliché but its true, sweetie." I finally am able to speak. "Do you want to know why it took so long for us to come home?" She nods her head as she tightens her hold on Nik. "We couldn't think of what we'd say to you. But eventually your Mom here thought of exactly what to say." I give Brittany the best smile I can before continuing.
"Your abuelo was a brave man, a brave man who lived a great life and raised me, Aunt Reyna and some of your cousins to be amazing people, teaching them life lessons that are important. I need you learn from my mistakes and your grandfather's life. We taught you to face your fears, to move on, to never let what others say and think get you down, to be who you are, who we raised you to be." I can't help stop to sniffle, wiping my tears from face.
I continue the conversation once againthrough the pain because I know that if I don't I'll regret it. "He's so proud of you. He may not be here to tell you but that doesn't mean it's not true. He's always in our memories. He's always going to watching over us, so live valiantly and make him even more proud."
I walk through the tiny coffin filled house, putting one foot in front of the other beyond my control. I head up the main oak hardwood stairs, soon entering the hallway I make my way to the door of my parent's bedroom. I try desperately to stop myself from pushing the door open; fully knowing that it will be one of my biggest mistakes, but my resistance is utterly futile.