Clint has opened the door but will he let Natasha in? I think this is the conclusion but then I could be wrong. I thought there was only going to be the one chapter in the beginning. It is funny how often characters hijack the story you are trying to tell. Songs that inspired this chapter are Let Me In by R.E.M. and Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down
"Natasha."
Was she hearing things? Could it be he opened the door? She turned and saw the door open a crack, she couldn't see him through such a small, dark opening but she knew he was there. She could feel the tears start to brim in her eyes, maybe she hadn't lost him. She started towards the door; she couldn't wait to see him, to touch him, to
"Stop. Don't come closer. I just can't..."
His words hit her like a blow to the stomach. Rejected again. Let her guard down for a moment and this is what happens. Shielding her emotions again under the guise of Black Widow, she stopped, squared her shoulders and become icily official. "Agent Barton, I was just checking on your welfare. But now that it seems you are okay, I'll be leaving. If you need anything I am sure Fury or some other S.H.I.E.L.D. agent will be able to assist you."
No. no. no. Clint thought. That's not what he meant. And crap she had going all Black Widow on him again. Not that he didn't find her Black Widow side intriguing, even sexy; watching Black Widow let loose in a fight it was like watching a goddess at play, if that goddess was Kali, terrifying and beautiful all at the same time. But right now he needed Natasha, who understood what it was like to be confused, to not trust, to hurt. Only she could guide him back out of the darkness because he couldn't seem to do it himself.
"Stop, please Nat. I didn't mean it that way. I want you here, I just don't… I just don't think I deserve you to be here."
"Shouldn't I be the one to decide whether or not you are deserving of my attention? I am concerned about you whether you like it or not Barton. I am concerned that you haven't left your room in three days. Have you even eaten? Let me take you to get something to eat, something to drink, maybe lots to drink. Then we put this whole Loki thing in the past."
"I can't leave."
"Of course you can…"
"Nat, I can't. You don't know how much it took to just open this door. If you weren't on the other side I think, no, I know I wouldn't have opened it."
"Well if you can't leave," Natasha said walking towards the partially opened door, putting her face close to the gap as possible, hoping to capture just a glimpse of her wounded bird. "If you can't come out," she continued "Then let me in."
They stood there unmoving, her and him on either sides of a door. All was quiet except for their breathing. His was shallow and ragged, as if he had been running away from something for hours, maybe days. Her breath came in short gasps when she remembered that she was holding her breath and needed to breathe. It was a standoff not much different from the ones they had experienced in the field because one wrong move and someone very definitely was going to get hurt.
Natasha takes a startled step back when the door moves. Clint has opened it wide enough for her to come in but has already turned, walked away, and sat on the bed, from the sound of it. She can't see more than a foot or two into the room and that is only because of the hallway light filtering in.
"Clint where is the light switch?"
"Don't turn it on Natasha."
"I'm not a hawk, little bird, I can't see you; I can't see much of anything." Clint reluctantly turns on the lamp on the nightstand and motions Natasha to sit on the bed beside him. He turns his head away from her toward the wall. She reaches out cupping his chin in her hand turning it toward her. He is resistant at first but knows now that he's let her in, he has to let her all the way in. Natasha gasps the moment she sees his face, the dark circles, the eyes so haunted and full of pain, she wants to cry for him but she knows it won't help.
"This won't do Clint."
"What, I'm not handsome enough to take out anymore," the chuckle Clint lets out feels dangerously close to turning into a cry.
Natasha touches Clint's right temple and then his heart. "Handsome is here, and here, the rest, window dressing. But the eyes, there is too much hurt in those eyes, Clint Barton. Where has the fire gone, the intensity, the power?"
Clint turns away from her again. "Where do you think it's gone? That bastard took it all away; just reached out his little god hand and fucking poofed it away. You all gave a little bit back to me for the battle but that's all pissed away now." He turns back to her, putting his face within inches of hers. He wants her to have no doubts about what she sees, about what he believes everyone sees, "Look, I'm broken Nat. Can't you see that? I'm broken and…"
Natasha puts her fingers to his lips shushing him. "We are all broken."
They sit in silence, Clint staring ahead at one of the walls, Natasha, everywhere but at Clint. She doesn't want him to see how much his hurting is hurting her. It'll make things just that much worse.
Clint is the first to break the silence, dropping his head into his hands. "God, it's not like I haven't been tortured before Nat. I've been captured for what two, three, four days. Tortured until death would've been a relief, but I got over them. I was ready for the next mission as soon as I was debriefed. And now… and now I'm hiding in my room like a frightened child."
"You were trained for torture situations. None of us were trained for Loki. It could've have easily been any one of us. But the important thing is that you broke free. You broke free of the control of a god."
Clint lightly touches the bruises on his face, "Only because of you."
Natasha brushes off the comment "I was just a focus. You would've done it on your own soon enough, but you know me, I'm impatient." Clint takes her hand and kisses it.
"And thank goodness for that," he places her hand back at her side but manages to put his hand down where one of his fingers lays over hers. They lapse into silence again.
"I'm truly sorry I told him your secrets. That's what hurts me the most, that he made me betra..."
"You did not betray me Clint. Betrayal is done voluntarily. Nothing you did for Loki was voluntary. Anyway I'm kind of glad that part happened."
"How, how could you?"
"He tried to use you against me, he tried to use my secrets to crush me, he called me a," She made a disgusted face. "A 'mewling quim', to belittle and dismiss me. But none of it worked, instead it made me stronger."
"What's a quim?"
"I looked it up. You will not be using that word ever."
They lapse into silence again.
"Mewling quim," Clint muses quietly to himself, although not quietly enough to avoid Natasha's elbow to the side of his ribs. Clint laughs as he falls back on the bed. It's the first honest laugh he had in a while. "Sorry, Nat you know I just had to say it."
"Still love playing with fire, don't you Barton?"
"Nah, I just stick to fiery redheads now."
Natasha lies down beside him; turning onto her side toward him so that she can draw lazy circles on his chest. "Is that so now?"
"Yep." Clint takes a deep, relaxing breath and closes his eyes. Natasha continues to draw patterns over the steady rise and fall of his chest.
Clint falls asleep and Natasha is content to lie there next to him and listen to his gentle snoring. Suddenly every muscle in his body tenses up. Natasha strokes his face "Let it go, little bird, it's just a dream." She continues stroking his face until she feels all his muscles relax again.
Natasha must have drifted off because she is startled awake by a knock at the door. By the time she wonders why someone is knocking on an opened door and turns around to see who it is, Clint is already standing with an arrow notched and ready.
"Whoa, hold it a minute Birdman, I come in peace." It was Stark. "We have a mission and currently my job on the team is to play errand boy. Me? Errand boy? I wonder which degree I'm using for this one, oh right, none. Fury sent me to retrieve the very lovely Agent Romanoff and spirit her away to the war room. Not you Birdman, Fury says this little hideaway stunt has you off team until you have your head examined."
Natasha didn't want to leave, but duty called. She looked at Clint, who still had his bow at the ready. He was holding it so tight his arms are starting to shake.
"Why the fuck does he think I need to see a shrink."
"Uh," Tony takes a cautious step to the right; Clint adjusts his aim to follow him. "Maybe it's because you have a really dangerous weapon pointed at a fellow team mate. Just saying."
Natasha touches Clint's arm "I know he's annoying but it would not be good to shoot him."
Clint lowers his bow and mumbles an apologetic "You startled me" before sitting arrow and bow onto the bed.
"No worries, I'll just remember not to enter unless asked, no matter how much the door's open."
Clint and Natasha come to the same conclusion, "You won't remember," they say at the same time. They both can't help but laugh. Natasha looks at Clint, he seems better, seems more "him" but she's not sure.
"Are we okay?"
"No completely, but I will be. Go. Take metal man with you and go save the world. I think I'll go see if this place has a cafeteria, or at least a vending machine."
Natasha give Clint a short nod then turns to find Tony is already out of the room and headed down the hall. She moves quickly to catch up. A moment later she hears a door slam. She stops, heart sinking. She hears footsteps behind her and turns in time to see Hawkeye, without bow, without his quiver, walking the opposite direction before turning down another hallway.
With a smile on her lips, Natasha turns and runs to catch up with Tony.