Chapter 12- Asking Harry
"Shall we sit down here?" asked Hermione, pointing to the empty table in front of her.
"I don't see a reason why we shouldn't," replied Natalie, setting her books down on the table. Hermione followed her as they both took seats opposite of one another
"Let's start on Arithmancy, shall we?" said Natalie cheerfully. "Best to get the hard material out of the way."
"You seem awfully happy," said Hermione observantly, taking out her Arithmancy textbook. "And Harry did seem a bit too excited for a Quidditch practice."
Natalie shrugged, smiling to herself as she opened her Arithmancy notes. Her mind somehow wandered to what seemed a constant, ever-present subject: Harry.
Following that night in the Room of Requirement, something seemed to snap between her and Harry. Prior to the evening, it felt as if a thin, taut string connected the two, tightening itself around their interactions, added a tension that held them back. At some point during the evening, whether it was their tickling fight, Harry's confessions about the memory of his parents or Natalie's emotional outburst about her father, the string had become stretched past its breaking point.
With nothing maintaining a firm distance between them, they slowly came closer to each other. There was no desperate rush to reach any type of climactic point, no sense of gravitating towards each other by some unknown pull, but rather, a cautious treading towards one another, infused with a certainty that something undeniably fulfilling was building.
No longer did they stiffen and look away at the slightest of contact. They brushed fingers at meals, let their legs slide against each other in class and in the Great Hall, not minding when their shoulders bumped or locked together. There were more moments in which their hands were only a grasp away, in which their faces leaned closer together and in which their arms found themselves unexpectedly around one another. The jolts of electricity Harry's touch sent coursing through Natalie still held the same exhilarating pleasure, but were devoid of the sharp, piercing fear she previously associated with those pulses.
Their friendship appeared to be constantly layering on itself with each hungry, probing gaze held on longer for a lingering moment, each shared smile that hinted at a deeper fondness and trust for another and each talk within the common room stretching to the late hours of the night in which they treated everything with a jovial, calm ease.
"Just ask Harry, won't you?" asked Hermione in exasperation.
Natalie awoke from her haze of thought. "Ask who?" responded Natalie, feigning bewilderment. They were studying in the library but Natalie had not even looked at her Arithmancy notes. Slughorn's party was in two days, yet ever since the evening in the Room of Requirement, she could not detach itself from the mosaic of possibilities and emotions regarding Slughorn's Christmas party and then the looming idea of her and Harry. Specifically, she could not think freely without pondering whether Harry would accept an invitation from her or if he did, whether his decision would be as a friend or as something more.
She could not keep denying the very real possibility that Harry did reciprocate her romantic feelings. However, she loved the way their friendship had developed since the night in the Room of Requirement, believing with a certain degree of certainty that a relationship would appear. Approaching Harry now, she feared, would break the easy calm contentment that existed between the two.
But she could also feel another emotion cutting through her. It was the same feeling that spurred her decision not to tell Harry about her identity. Occasionally, the guilt would manifest itself fully, carving into Natalie the devastating reality of who she was and in what she was involving an unaware Harry. Whenever she found herself drenched in Harry's presence, the sharpness of the guilt was blunted, causing the piercing emotion to retreat to a corner of her mind, but the protectiveness sprouting from this guilt, accompanied by a desperate willingness to do anything, even sacrifice her own happiness, for Harry, always remained strong, creating a slight uneasiness that held her back.
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Don't play dumb. You've been staring into space ever since Harry left for Quidditch practice."
Natalie sighed. She could not hide from Hermione's probing for any length of extended time. "Well it's not like I constantly think of him."
Hermione snorted loudly, causing people at other tables to briefly glance at her in alarm. "Trust me, you do. You fancy him. Admit it."
"Do I really need to say it again? Once is enough," muttered Natalie, slightly disgruntled.
"It, er, helps relieve the tension," remarked Hermione, biting back a laugh.
"And I suppose you know from experience?" asked Natalie scathingly. She immediately regretted the comment.
A dark look peeled into Hermione's eyes. Her face became set into a painful, but angry grimace. "Yes, I do. But for me, relieving the tension means sending a flock of birds at someone."
Natalie laughed. She then said solemnly, "Sorry about what I said. I didn't mean to be nasty."
Hermione smiled. "Don't worry. I just can't control myself when I think about Ron. I should really get over him."
Natalie shook her head at Hermione disapprovingly. "I don't think trying to avoid him is the best way to deal with this. You two need to resolve your problems. It's almost the end of term."
"It's hard to talk to him when he's got his mouth all over her," retorted Hermione savagely.
Natalie laughed. "Ok, ok. Let's talk about something else. How about helping me get a start on Arithmancy?"
Hermione smirked. "Oh, you're not going to get me off the subject of a certain Mr. Potter so fast."
"You know, this is starting to become quite annoying. Just say what you want to say," said Natalie irritably.
"Ok. Any dunderhead, except well you know, will see the sense in this. You fancy him. He fancies you. Slughorn's Christmas Party is in two days. So then simple, you ask him. He accepts. You two get together after that," said Hermione, noting each step with a count on her finger.
Natalie felt the familiar pang of excitement at the mention of Harry fancying her. "You're assuming a bit too many things, Hermione. How do you know Harry fancies me? And even if I do ask, how do you know he will say 'yes'? And then what are the chances of us getting together even if we do go to the party?"
Hermione clicked her fingers impatiently. "Honestly, we've been through this for the past two weeks. I know Harry better than you. The way he acts around you is different than anybody else. And when you compliment him, the blush that comes on his face stands out from the other side of the room. So please don't convince yourself that he cannot possibly fancy you."
Natalie absorbed Hermione's words. Harry did act differently around her, but she was not certain he was aware of those differences yet. "Ok so let's say I ask. It's going to be a big shock, especially if he has not realized his supposed feelings. How am I going to deal with that?"
Hermione studied Natalie closely. "He fancies you so even if he doesn't know, when you ask him, he will subconsciously feel pleased and a little surprised. But because he is pleased, he will accept and in the process, realize those feelings. But if it's Harry, he probably knows he fancies you. He's probably feeling the same way you are, right now."
"Subconsciously feel pleased?" asked Natalie skeptically.
Hermione shrugged her shoulders. "If he has the feelings which I'm almost sure he does, it will show, but what I'm saying is that someone needs to make a move. And Slughorn's party is the perfect opportunity to make that move."
Hermione's words struck a chord with Natalie. If she simply let their friendship build, both of their feelings would continue to remain hidden. For a relationship to appear, they could not assume the desires would emerge once they had slid close enough to one another. Someone needed to take the risk, accepting the very real possibility of failure. Natalie knew she would be absolutely crushed if Harry did not return her feelings, but she could not stop denying that what she wanted the most was a relationship with him. More importantly, Harry deserved to know her feelings, regardless of how he felt. As much as she reveled in their current warmth and ease with one another, hiding something of that magnitude could only prove detrimental.
The guilt also began to entrench itself more firmly in her chest, bringing the stinging truth of her mother's identity to the forefront of her mind. A frantic desire arose to keep Harry away from the terrible combination of anger, shame and sadness she suffered because of her mother.
"You see what I'm saying?" said Hermione intently, obviously taking Natalie's silence as an indication of an agreement.
Natalie sighed. "Yes, I understand, but I don't want to ruin our friendship."
"It won't Natalie," said Hermione wearily. "Harry and you are too close now for something like that to occur. And anyway, I'm almost certain Harry likes you."
Hermione's words thrust Natalie into another contemplative silence. Hermione was right. Harry and her had somehow reached a point where separating would be almost unbearable. And then completely unexpectedly, something clicked in her head, understanding momentarily flashing through her mind.
She and Harry wanted to be this close; they enjoyed every moment, whether it was a brush of the fingers, a secret smile only reserved for each other, the companionable silences, or a long, poignant, yet completely easy conversation. Neither one wanted to regress from the other, falling back to those uncomfortable pauses, the friendly, but staggered chatter and the extreme embarrassment at any touch. They were gliding towards each other simply because no other path would satisfy them. She had feared that in a relationship, eventually, they would reach the stage where Harry had to confront her identity, dealing with the maelstrom of emotions and suffering her mother brought. But now, she realized with painstaking clarity that romantically or not, they would inevitably arrive at that point. She almost laughed, knowing with a strong conviction that her desperate urge to keep Harry separate from her mother was utterly futile now.
Suddenly, Natalie reached her decision. As Hermione said, someone had to take the initiative. And thinking about it objectively, she had no reason not to confess her feelings to Harry. The only drawback appeared to be the initial awkwardness if the feelings were not mutual, but with a strange calmness, Natalie knew the awkwardness between them would not last for long.
"Natalie, have I lost you again?" said Hermione impatiently, waving her hands in front of her friend's face.
Natalie blinked her eyes, lifting herself again out of her reverie. "Sorry about that, Hermione. You were saying?"
"Are you going to tell Harry?" said Hermione, tapping her fingers on the desk.
"You mean ask him to Slughorn's party?" said Natalie with a coy smile.
"You are," stated Hermione, her eyes widening.
At Natalie's lack of response, Hermione laughed loudly, earning a few glares from other students in the library.
"Will you keep it down?" muttered Natalie. "Pince will be here soon enough." As Natalie completed her sentence, Madam Pince swept over them, glaring disapprovingly at Hermione who was trying to keep a stoic expression.
Once Pince left, Hermione broke out into quieter fits of laughter.
"I'm trying to see how you find any of this funny," said Natalie irritably.
"Oh, it is," commented Hermione, wiping her eyes. "You seemed so set against it minutes ago."
Natalie sighed, mulling over her decision. The logic seemed flawless, but she could not escape the uneasy sensation that perhaps pure reasoning and her own feelings about her friendship with Harry were not enough.
"It will work and you'll both be glowing tomorrow morning," said Hermione firmly, closing her book.
Hermione's eyes again widened. "Oh, here Harry comes. Ask him, now. I hear Romilda Vane is planning to give him a love potion. At least save him from that," whispered Hermione, waving at Harry.
"Oh no," muttered Natalie frantically.
Hermione gave her a hard, stern look, worthy of McGonagall. "Do it."
She then stood up, picked her books and quickly walked out of the library, leaving Natalie nervously staring at her notes. Her heart raced against her chest. Her stomach began to churn with the familiar sensation of apprehension and excitement.
Natalie felt a tap on her shoulders, causing her face to break out in a smile. "Why did Hermione leave?" asked Harry, a puzzled look on his face.
"Oh, er, she wanted to ask Professor Vector some questions," said Natalie a bit too shakily, trying to conceal the blush that was rapidly forming on her face.
Harry did not notice. He took a seat across from her, taking out his books.
"So, how was practice?" asked Natalie tentatively, wondering how she could phrase her question.
"Same as usual. Team's getting better," replied Harry casually.
"Er, Harry?" asked Natalie in a barely audible voice.
Harry lifted his head, looking at her worriedly. "Is something wrong?"
"Will you go to Slughorn's party with me?" blurted Natalie. After she had asked the question, she jerked her head down, planting her gaze firmly on the tabletop. Stupid idiot. She had no tact, whatsoever. This was completely unromantic. Even Hermione's logic might not hold with such an unexpected question. He would say no or avoid the question and she would be left to wallow in her excruciating shame.
"Er, yeah sure," said Harry slowly.
Natalie immediately lifted her head. She stared at him with an astounded, confused expression. He twisted in his seat.
"What did you just say?" demanded Natalie.
"I said yes, I think," replied Harry, looking slightly intimidated. The blank, stunned apprehension on his face mirrored that of Natalie. He did not seem too pleased. Could he have heard her properly?
"Did you hear my question?" asked Natalie, gazing at him hopefully.
"Er, I think so. You asked me if I wanted to go to Slughorn's party with you. And I said 'yes'."
"So you said yes to the question I just asked?" continued Natalie, her reasonable conscience wanting to be certain that he had accepted her invitation. She felt like a person who had almost succeeded in an extremely difficult task, but could not let herself become misled by an early dose of happiness.
A frown nudged its way onto Harry's features. "I think I've answered that already. Why are you talking in riddles? The question was random, but to make it crystal clear to you, I do want to go to Slughorn's party with you. Is that fine or am I set for another round of interrogation?"
Despite the frustrated tone in his voice, Natalie let out a sigh she did not know she was containing. Joy, elation and relief filled her. She gave him her strongest smile.
"No, I think I'm done with interviewing you. Sorry about the randomness of the question. It's been on my mind for a few days." Natalie found herself saying these words, consciously marveling at her own honesty and recklessness.
Harry returned Natalie's smile with a sly grin. "Looks like we think the same. Because I was wondering if you wanted to go with me."
Natalie placed her hand over her mouth. She could not believe what was happening between them. The situation felt strangely familiar as if she had always known their relationship had these underlying feelings. But at the same time, the plain, tense and crystalline atmosphere of reality that had entrenched itself into her life had become replaced by a serene image of Harry, saturated in her desperate obsession with him.
Natalie somehow managed to separate herself from these newfound sensations and talk to Harry. She removed her hand from its position to rest it on the tabletop, quite close to Harry's hands. "Really? That's quite interesting. Well, you know my answer," whispered Natalie.
The ease and silent confidence in her words surprised her. She felt like a musical instrument, the type Muggles like. She could just let words flow out of her mouth. No conscious or analytical thought. Her words would shape, blend and mold themselves into a beautiful entity that could only have a positive impact on her and Harry.
Harry chuckled. A gentle, soft laugh that made Natalie want to snog him senseless. "I guess that's settled, then."
"I don't think either of us was aware when it needed to be settled." Natalie became painfully aware that she had been watching too many of Kalissa's Muggle soap operas. Their cliché lines were starting to intrude on her proper train of thought.
Harry gave her a thoughtful look. "I suppose you're right. I don't really know what happened."
An entire field of emotion and thought became clear to Natalie. Harry had experienced or more likely, endured the same uncertainty, embarrassment and fear that had dominated her thoughts for much of the term. She laughed at herself for being so closed minded. Hermione was right.
"What's wrong?" asked Harry, nervously looking around.
"Nothing. Just, Hermione said this would happen."
Harry smirked. "Hermione is right about a lot of things that don't include Ron."
"And I don't think our 'thing' included Ron at all," quipped Natalie.
"Not at all. Would be pretty weird if it did."
Both laughed at the absurdity of this statement.
They continued, poking at one another, both aware of the boundary that had been crossed. Natalie felt as if she had undergone a transformation, become changed in a purified, satisfactory way.
After they had done studying for potions, they began to walk back to the common room. Natalie was far too conscious of the very small distance between their hands. She wanted to grip some part of him, but did not know if he would object or not.
Harry resolved Natalie's inner squabbles as he suddenly placed his right hand over her left hand. Natalie shuddered at the warmth and tenderness in his hand despite all of his calluses and scars from Quidditch. She tightened her hold on his hand. They continued to walk silently back to the common room, both reveling in each other's presence.
Before they reached the Fat Lady, Harry released Natalie's hand and turned to her. "This is going to sound stupid. I want to make sure. We're not going as friends, are we?" His voice had a serious, cautious edge to it.
Natalie gaped at him in a combination of amusement, anger and fear. "That has to be the stupidest question I've ever seen. After seeing the past two hours, I think you should be able to answer that question by yourself."
Harry laughed. "Good. Because if you said 'no', I might have hexed myself into oblivion."
"I might do that to you if you ask another question like that."
"So how do you want to go about with this?"
Natalie paused to consider the dilemma they both faced. She could or would not let herself glide into this problem even though that same approach had worked for asking Harry out. She needed to analyze and scrutinize their situation.
"Well, I definitely don't want to be like Ron and Lavender."
Harry snorted. "I can tell you for certain that that will not be happening."
"But at the same time, we or well, you should make it known that we're going together for Slughorn's party. However, I don't know if it would be wise to make it a certain fact that we're going out. I don't want your entire fan club having me on their hit list."
Harry grinned at her. "See what you mean. I wouldn't want the entire wizarding world to be examining your every move because you're dating the Boy who Lived."
"Honestly, Harry, you're getting cockier each day. But that's kind of what I'm saying. So you agree with me? We could make it known probably some time after Christmas."
Harry nodded. Natalie could see the compassion, understanding in his eyes. "No problem. I want some private time too. Not like Lavender and Ron who have the whole school goggling at them."
"Trust me Harry. We will not be like that."
Harry smiled at her. He then leaned towards her and kissed her on the corner of her lips. Natalie could feel the heat radiating from her skin. She slowly touched the spot by her mouth he had pressed his lips upon.
"Thanks," whispered Natalie, amazed.
"I had to say goodnight without the rest of the house staring. Let's go in, shall we?"
"Definitely," said Natalie, still paralyzed by the kiss.
And then, they both proceeded to walk through the portrait and enter the Gryffindor common room.