Chapter 18- Snape's Other Side
A/N: Sorry for the long wait(over three weeks I think). I only arrived back yesterday. Thanks very much to all the reviewers, all the people who put the story on alert and listed it as one of their favorites. Once again, thanks to my sister for editing this chapter.
Disclaimer: Besides Kalissa and Natalie, I own zero percent of the wizarding world.
Natalie jerked her body around to see the familiar mess of raven hair and spectacles brushing past her. She reached out for his shoulder.
"Harry," said Natalie softly, somehow hoping that he heard.
He paused in his step, tensing. Then, without a further acknowledgement, he continued to walk to Defense Against the Dark Arts. Ron, who was strolling alongside Harry, cast Natalie an annoyed glance that Natalie made sure to return.
Natalie clenched her fists angrily. Fortunately, this time, it had been only the three of them and not an entire crowd to witness Harry deliberately ignore her. It had been almost two weeks since she had told Harry about her past and they had their first, but extremely vicious row. He had not a said to word her since then, barely even appearing to notice her presence though Natalie sensed that he occasionally sent a venomous and frustrated glare in her direction when her eyes were turned away. She heaved an exasperated sigh. The last two weeks, even though she was able to take refuge in Hermione's understanding, had been extremely painful.
She constantly wondered whether she had made a mistake in confiding in Harry. She knew he was trustworthy because Ron definitely had not been informed – or else, she would have certainly had to deal with his temper. However, looking back upon her decision to tell Harry, she contemplated whether the decision had sprung out of her own desperate need for comfort and assurance after the Death Eater attack. The attack seemed to have placed an aura of fatality around herself; her desire to tell Harry often appeared to be a makeshift attempt to lift herself out of that morbid air. Yet, Hermione had believed her and their friendship, after she had confessed to Hermione, had strengthened considerably. So clearly, Natalie's frankness had not been as grave a mistake as she suspected. And Hermione's acceptance had infused a flicker of ebullience into Natalie.
Still, she felt mostly angered and hurt by Harry's brash refusal to accept her. She knew that he did not truly believe that Natalie had purposefully deceived him. Hermione was right. His unwavering view of the definite barrier between good and evil in the Wizarding World was not only unbearably superficial, but completely wrong and unfair. Every time he had walked away from her when she had tried to talk to him these past two weeks, she felt an intense urge to shake him, scream in his face and show him how irrational he was acting.
Natalie let out a breath she did not know she was holding and followed the other two to Defense Against the Dark Arts. She sat down alongside Hermione at the very end of the table. Their table had become clearly divided. Harry at one end, Natalie at the other and Hermione, in the middle, who frequently and unsuccessfully tried to be the mediator. Unfortunately, almost everybody else in the class had become aware of their dispute with Lavender and Parvati almost always looking excitedly at her. Behind Harry, they were the next two people she would take the most pleasure in hexing.
"I gather by the rather sullen looks on both of your faces, that you tried to talk to Harry again," muttered Hermione out of the corner of her mouth.
Natalie nodded morosely. "Waste of time. He won't even look at me. Bloody idiot. Who does he think he is?"
"Harry Potter," whispered Hermione, a smile tugging at the edges of her mouth.
Natalie punched her in the shoulder. "Oh shut up, will you? I'm already pissed at him without having to think about that garbage," said Natalie grumpily, only causing Hermione's grin to become more mischievous.
"Miss Malkae, can you please refrain from hitting Miss Granger? This is my class and not the Gryffindor common room where I do not even want to contemplate how you behave. 20 points from Gryffindor," said Snape harshly as he began to conjure his wand to write on the blackboard. Almost all of the Gryffindors shot Snape outraged looks. Natalie merely sighed. That was another problem. He had been particularly malevolent towards her even since she had seen his picture.
The class proceeded rather smoothly. Natalie, Harry and Hermione were the only students who managed to successfully perform the Repelling jinx silently. At the end of the period, as she made to exit the classroom with the rest of the class, Snape called to her. "Miss Malkae, stay behind. I have to discuss your rather disgraceful behavior over the past few weeks."
Natalie slowly turned around, now seething. She returned to her desk, waiting for the class to exit and giving Snape her most loathsome and detestable glare. Most of the students glanced curiously at her. She felt Harry's eyes flicker towards her before he quickly left.
Once the students had left, Snape gestured dispassionately to his office. "Please come to my office, Miss Malkae. I do not want to be interrupted by any prying ears."
Still staring at Snape furiously, Natalie followed him to his office upstairs. Upon entering the office, she noticed that it was quite plain for a teacher's study. He had a clean, polished oak desk with neatly organized stacks of parchment and quills. His bookcase contained a large collection of old, musty books that seemed to have been thoroughly used. But still, the books were numerous; obviously, Snape was an intellectual no matter how malicious he was. Other than those two objects, his office consisted of a single chair for a guest. Natalie was surprised that he had not made a deliberate attempt to adorn the office in Slytherin green or perhaps extend his classroom's vast assortment of gruesome and melancholic portraits.
"Miss Malkae, you can wipe that look off your face. I did not call you to my office to discuss your behavior," said Snape coolly, with no animus or sarcasm. He was gazing intently at his bookcase, his body partially turned away from Natalie.
Natalie lifted her head, startled. There was only one other thing that he could want to discuss alone with her.
"I trust that you remember what happened in the dungeons, the day I took you away from your mother's house during the holidays," said Snape vivaciously.
"Yes," croaked Natalie, barely able to contain her nervousness. She remembered too vividly how he had reacted.
"And I trust that you have not told anyone about that incident," stated Snape, swiveling his body very quickly to now examine her.
"Of course not," stammered Natalie. Snape nodded, a satisfied expression on his face.
"Thank you for the discretion you have shown. Obviously, you have not taken after Potter in every aspect."
Natalie's resentment for the man abruptly returned.
Snape's gaze moved away from her, focusing on a point on the wall behind her. His eyes narrowed and the traces of a frown appeared on his features. He seemed to be in the midst of making a decision. After a few moments of staring at the wall in this atypical contemplativeness, Snape clenched his fists, returning his eyes to her. The suspicion and maliciousness had vacated his gaze to be replaced by a cool impassiveness.
"You must be wondering, as annoyingly inquisitive as you are, why I have chosen to talk about that incident to you."
"It was an, er, awkward moment," replied Natalie uncomfortably.
Snape's gaze hardened. He unclenched his fists. Apparently, her answer seemed to galvanize him. "Yes, it was. But this needs to be cleared between the two of us. I think it would be beneficial for both of us if you see the picture again." Snape held the very recognizable photograph to Natalie.
Natalie had to stop herself from gaping in shock. She had no inkling as to why he would feel obliged to show her the picture, especially if it held some deep, exposing secret.
"Well, take it. Do not act like some foolish girl," said Snape impatiently, his voice rising.
Natalie's anger again resurfaced. She rather briskly snatched the picture from Snape's hands, pressing her eyes upon it for the second time. She was not wrong the first time she had seen the photograph. The teenage Snape certainly was utterly intoxicated by Lily Potter's presence.
"Why?" mouthed Natalie, lifting her head to meet an intent Snape.
Snape locked his eyes with her, unsettling Natalie. "I did not want you to have any misconceptions about that photograph and then spin tales to your Gryffindor friends. It's better if we talked in a more civilized manner than last time," stated Snape forcefully, seeming to will his eyes to remain fixated on her.
Natalie almost laughed. That was Snape's poor, but sincere attempt at an apology.
"Judging by your shock last time, you do know who the girl in the photograph is," said Snape much less aggressively.
"Yes." Natalie paused, trying to choose her words. "Harry's mother. She's very beautiful – actually breathtaking. I've quite never seen anyone so –"
"Indomitable," finished Snape. His face immediately hardened. His hands returned to their clenched form. Natalie perceived that this was Snape's embarrassed look.
"So you two were friends? Very close friends from what I can see," blurted Natalie. She cringed a moment later, realizing that she may have gone too far.
"I see that your curiosity has piqued, Miss Malkae, though I never told you to ask any questions," said Snape scathingly
Natalie gritted her teeth, setting her eyes upon the picture to calm herself.
"But, yes, we were. Lily Evans and myself grew up in the same area as children," said Snape very quickly, turning his face away from her.
Natalie was quite taken aback. She had expected another sharp reprimand, not an abrupt shift to a sentimental tone, an attitude Natalie would never have believed Snape had.
"That's nice – I mean it's quite pleasant to know somebody like that before school," said Natalie, trying to sound as gentle and ingenuous as she could.
"It was pleasant. But I made some very foolish mistakes. I insulted her, chose the wrong friends and we grew very far apart. That picture was taken in the last summer in which we were…close," muttered Snape more to himself than Natalie, his voice laced with grim bitterness, regret and longing. Natalie could tell that it pained him immensely to contemplate his relationship with Lily.
Suddenly, a romantic nostalgia rushed into Natalie. She could see the two of them. Snape, who was completely submerged in Lily's charm, gazing hungrily into those unending, green eyes. In the great, penetrating depths, he must have seen a vision, a future that included both of them and that was impervious to the hostility and hatred of the time – Voldemort's stranglehold on the Wizarding World before Harry appeared. Yet, they did not escape the fatality of those forces. Snape's unnaturally morose demeanor became suddenly natural and sad. To him, Harry's mere presence symbolized the severing of an once unyielding friendship, the degradation of a love to the dust of regret and a relentless stream of memories that culminated irrevocably on the death of her and on the death of his hope.
Snape's eyes flashed dangerously. He gripped his desk tightly, starting to tremble. Natalie perceived that he had realized that he had opened himself so fully in her presence. "Can I have the picture back?" snapped Snape.
Natalie handed him the photograph, not indignant at his curtness with her. She smiled at him. "Thanks for being so honest with me, Professor. I really do appreciate it. And thanks again for saving my life," said Natalie quietly.
Snape blinked disbelievingly. Obviously, he had not been around many understanding people in his life. He surveyed her closely before nodding, still shaking slightly.
"I think you should go now, Miss Malkae. Supper will be almost over and your little posse will be waiting anxiously," said Snape, the sarcastic edge returning to his voice.
Natalie shrugged, recognizing that the hostility between them would not dissipate completely. She turned to leave.
"Wait."
Natalie looked at him with a perplexed expression on his face. "What do you want, Professor?"
"You are not to tell anyone of our discussion tonight. If they ask, tell them that I did indeed chastise you for your, er, disgusting behavior over the past two weeks," ordered Snape icily. His face had become strangely contorted with a combination of agonizing shame and mounting resentment.
Natalie narrowed her eyes. She did feel perturbed that he thought her to be so naïve and unreliable. "Of course, I will not. And you do not need to tell me that."
Snape's lips curled. Natalie prepared for some nasty, malicious comment.
Instead, Snape steadied himself. He stopped shaking and stopped gripping his desk. His face solidified into the dark indifference she associated with him. "Very well. You may go."
Natalie nodded, walking out of the office. She found herself to be in very high spirits. She had managed her first cordial encounter with Snape, who throughout the year had displayed nothing, but vicious contempt for her, while to her relief, reaching an agreement about their rather contentious encounter over the break. More importantly, she had come to somewhat understand the man's predicament, feeling a deep surge of compassion for all the loss and pain he had to endure. Her brief conversation with him had provided her with a crucial sense of clarity that bolstered her, injecting a burst of inspiration.
As she walked down the empty staircase to the dining hall, Natalie spotted the familiar mess of raven hair and askew spectacles in front of her. This time, at the sight of the boy who had given her far too many sleepless nights over the past fortnight, Natalie did not experience a jolt of bitter frustration, but rather, an adventurous and daring bravado came alive within her. If she could have a relatively friendly, but highly revealing conversation with Snape, then she reasoned that she and Harry could also at least come to terms with each other.
"Hello, Harry," said Natalie cheerfully.
He turned around, staring at her with a baffled expression.
"Why so perplexed, Harry?" said Natalie, still trying to maintain her pleasant tone.
Harry looked at her suspiciously. "Why are you so happy to talk to me? And by the way, what did Snape want with you?"
"Snape just wanted to tell me not to 'look' at him in such an offensive way."
Harry frowned. "I don't know why he's so nasty to you. He treats you far too unfairly, considering that you don't do anything to irritate him."
Natalie smiled. Her spirits were climbing rapidly. He had just defended her position quite adamantly so perhaps, he had seen the error in his ways.
"So why are you so happy to see me of all people after Snape's shouted at you?" asked Harry again, examining her reaction carefully.
Natalie sighed, slightly discouraged. "Why do you always have to be the detective?" exclaimed Natalie jokingly.
Harry scratched his chin mockingly. "Well, let's see, when there are people like you who keep these huge secrets hidden, then why shouldn't I be suspicious?" retorted Harry vehemently, completely missing the sarcastic tone to Natalie's comment.
Natalie bit her lip, starting to believe that she may have been far too optimistic in thinking that his belligerent attitude towards her had changed. "Harry, we do need to have a serious talk about what I told you," said Natalie, gazing solemnly at him.
Harry stared at her in disbelief. "Oh, so you're scared that I'm going to tell the rest of Hogwarts who you have for a mother. It's nice to know how much faith you have in me."
Natalie raised her hands in exasperation. "You completely missed my point. I trust you and I know that you will keep my secret – that's why I chose to confide you in the first place. If you would just be able to think in a proper logical manner, you'll see that I meant that we should both talk about our reactions and feelings towards my secret."
"I'm sure you've given your feelings a great deal of thought," said Harry scornfully.
"You are so bloody stubborn! You don't honestly enjoy this, do you?"
"What is 'this' exactly?" spat Harry, his face turning into a sneer worthy of Snape.
Natalie stomped her foot angrily. "You know what exactly I mean – all of the constant ignoring and silence, the bickering and accusations. We haven't had a decent conversation in weeks."
"You're the one who started this mess," said Harry irately.
Natalie waved her finger furiously at him. "Oh no, don't blame me for this, Harry Potter. You should be grateful that I valued our relationship so much that you were the first person I've ever chosen to confide in. It's your stupid Gryffindor ego that has ruined our friendship."
Harry scratched his head mockingly. "Last time I checked, you were in Gryffindor too."
"Stop avoiding the topic! Don't you see how thick-headed you are being?"
"Oh and I suppose you're Mother Teresa."
"What does that mean?" asked Natalie belligerently. Her temper was boiling very rapidly.
Harry looked around before turning to her with that unnatural sneer on his face. "You know what I am saying. Your mother is a cold, heartless murderer who is now openly terrifying all of the innocent families that she destroyed last time she was allowed to prance around. And yet, you pretend that there is nothing wrong with that – you don't even show any intention to stop her. But even more, you expect me to somehow accept your 'little' secret."
"How dare you say that! I absolutely despise my mother, Harry, but I don't have any control over her actions. What you're saying is complete rubbish. In case you didn't know, I told Hermione and she accepted me. It's just you who cannot see that evil and good do overlap," stated Natalie viciously. Her heart had turned to stone. Brutal, biting anger coursed through her. His comments about her were utter waffle.
Harry laughed, a cold, empty laugh that unnerved Natalie. "Oh, don't worry, I know about Hermione. But I'm not as naïve as her. I trusted you, but you clearly do not trust me. This entire confession to me is some sort of way for you to cope with the fact that she knows you're her daughter, not some valiant attempt at honesty."
Natalie slapped his cheek. He stepped away from her, staring at her in astonishment.
"You're lucky a Professor didn't see you do that," said Harry coldly.
Natalie could feel the tears welling in her eyes, but before she could walk away from Harry, a familiar, piercing voice rang through the air.
"Harry Potter!" exclaimed Hermione shrilly, appearing from behind Natalie. She supposed she was too occupied with Harry to notice the brown haired girl approach.
"What are you doing here?" said Harry, glaring at Hermione.
"Defending a friend," stated Hermione icily. "And the friend I'm defending isn't you."
"How much did you hear?" said Harry, narrowing his eyes at her.
Hermione stepped in front of Natalie, her hands on her hips. "Enough to know that you deserved every bit of that slap. Honestly, Harry, you can be so cruel sometimes."
"This is none of your business," snapped Harry.
"Yes it is," Hermione retorted vehemently. "Because Natalie is my friend and when you hurt her like you have, I am entitled to be absolutely furious on her behalf."
Harry gazed incredulously at Hermione. "If you want to feel that way, then you can," said Harry hollowly.
He swiveled his body around, beginning to walk away. But after a few steps, he turned his head to look at Natalie, a softer expression on his face. He looked as if he wanted to say something, but only managed to stare blankly at her.
"Want to tell me how much more betrayed you feel?" said Natalie caustically, her temper getting the better of her. As soon as the words tumbled out of her mouth, she felt instant regret, realizing she may have wasted an opportunity for Harry to talk civilly to her.
Harry's gaze immediately hardened, the scorching fury returning. "Unbelievable," muttered Harry before he abruptly turned on his heel and walked quickly away.
As soon as he left, the tears poured relentlessly out of Natalie's eyes. Hermione's arms came around her, holding her tightly against the other girl. She tried to stop herself from bending over in agony as the salt of her eyes stung her eyes.
"Thanks so much, Hermione," Natalie whispered, brushing the tears away from her eyes.
"You deserve better from Harry," said Hermione, shaking her head. "He'll come around, but he's being an absolute git."
Natalie gave a hollow laugh. "You're right about that. What did you hear?"
"I was planning on waiting for you, but some of the Ravenclaws wanted to ask me questions about Ancient Runes. I found you with Harry when you said that part about his detective nature – I didn't want to barge in, but after you hit him, I thought I should come to prevent things from getting out of hand."
"Good thing you were the only one that overheard."
"I cast a Silencing charm around the two of you anyway," said Hermione, smiling. "I would have confounded anyone who came, but next time, do pick your fights in a more secluded location."
"Definitely," said Natalie ruefully. "I'll make sure to arrange an appointment with him for when we can scream and shout at one another."
"You forgot to mention the slapping," said Hermione, chuckling. "Why don't we go to the kitchens and pick up supper there?"
"Good idea," said Natalie, pulling herself away. "I need to get my mind off Harry." Even as she said the words in a fierce, forthright tone, an empty sadness pervaded her. She knew her mind would never digress from Harry's anger for so long.