Title: The Spectrum of Stupidity
Character(s): Club
Rating: G.
Disclaimer: Ouran High School Host Club belongs to Hatori Bisco and related companies.
Spoilers: Entire manga
Word count: 1236
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THE SPECTRUM OF STUPIDITY
(Haruhi's apartment, Boston)
Tamaki studies the package, head tilted to the side.
He clicks his fingers imperiously. "Hikaru! Kaoru!"
"Yes, sir!" two voices say in unison. The flaps of the cardboard box are peeled away, the large package unwrapped in a matter of seconds to reveal several puzzling planks of wood.
"Ooooh," they marvel collectively.
"Honey-senpai!" Tamaki says, and Honey confirms that Haruhi is doing a group project with her classmates and will not return until the evening.
"Mori-senpai!" Tamaki cries, and Mori dashes off and back in a flash, toolbox in hand.
"Kyouya!" Tamaki commands, and Kyouya picks up a booklet that's resting innocuously on top of a small, white-coloured plank.
"All right, gentlemen! Let's do this thing!"
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"I see," Kyouya says thoughtfully, rubbing his chin. "This instruction manual is rendered entirely in pictorial form, conveniently eliminating the need to translate the assembly instructions into the various native languages of the countries that Ikea operates in. Pity, such a method is not applicable to medicinal products."
"Kyouya-senpai, do you mind? Can you stop plotting for a moment to tell us what the first step is?" Kaoru fiddles with a clear plastic bag and manages to tear a hole in it – a cascade of screws, bolts, nails and tiny wooden cylinders and other bits of unknown purpose rains onto the floor. Tamaki chides him and warns him not to lose any of them, scooping them up frantically with his hands.
"Yeah, Kyouya-senpai," Hikaru agrees, "we have only four hours until Haruhi comes home! This will probably take an eternity to fix – obviously commoners who don't have money have to pay for their products with time!"
Seated comfortably in Haruhi's roller-chair, Honey giggles behind Usa-chan, his legs swinging in a carefree manner.
"Right," Kyouya sighs. "First, we have to lay the long planks of wood side-by-side, flat on the ground – Hikaru, stack the small planks up, they are not needed for now. Mori-senpai, we need screwdrivers and a hammer."
Mori rummages in the toolbox and holds out the requested items to the twins and Tamaki.
Immediately Kyouya says, "No, Tamaki, switch your hammer for Kaoru's screwdriver. Kaoru, find the largest screws, 6 of them, they go into the holes at the four corners and the two in the middle."
"Kyou-chan, lemon juice?"
"Actually, Tamaki, could you hand your screwdriver to Mori-senpai?"
"Waaa! I want to help!"
"Kyouya-senpai, the screws go in slanted and they ruin the wood! Why?!"
"Hikaru, I believe you're meant to pinch the screw with your thumb and index finger to hold it in an upright position."
"Mori-senpai, help!"
"Noooo! Kyouya! I want to help – I have to help! I want to build something for my Haruhi! Let me help!"
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Very, very flatly, Hikaru remarks, "Kyouya-senpai, your instructions suck."
Kyouya raises a dangerous eyebrow at him.
"You said to screw it into the hole on the right, so I screwed it into the hole on the right! Then you say it's wrong?!"
"You screwed it into the hole on the left."
Hikaru glowers at him in disbelief. "Right! This is the right!"
"Uh, that's your left, Hikaru," Kaoru points out as gently as possible and ducks behind Mori, who is unscrewing the mistake calmly.
"It's Kyouya-senpai's right!"
It is Kyouya's turn to stare at him in disbelief. "I gave my instructions based on your right. Whyever would I direct you from my perspective?"
"How the hell was I supposed to know?! I've been moving around and crossing on both sides of the wood anyway, I don't have a fixed right while Kyouya-senpai hasn't moved at all, have you?! Doesn't it make more sense to use you as a guide?"
"Kyooouuyaaaa! Tell me what to doooooo! At least let me fix the little planks!"
"Honey-senpai, more lemon juice. Ice cold, please, before I lose my temper."
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"Ten minute break!" Honey announces in his dojo-voice.
Completely worn out, everyone sets their tools down and accepts the sandwiches and juice provided by Honey.
Kyouya had tossed the manual aside in annoyance; Hikaru snatches it to flick through it savagely, trying to figure out their progress; Kaoru leans over his shoulder to look; Tamaki sobs at the unfairness of the ban that Kyouya had slapped on him when he'd broken one of the planks by stepping on it accidentally.
"Why do I have to do this? She's not my girlfriend," Kyouya mutters under his breath, removing his spectacles and letting his head loll on the backrest of his dining chair.
Honey pats one of his knees sympathetically.
"Hikaru, Kaoru." Mori pushes the plate towards them. "Eat first."
"After the stuff that Tono broke, I don't think we can complete it, Kyouya-senpai," Kaoru says, reaching for an egg sandwich.
"Of course not," Kyouya replies snippily. "There aren't any spares provided in the package, are there?"
"What should we do? Buy another one before Haruhi finds out? I'm eating, I'm eating, Mori-senpai! Geez, why don't you make Tono eat too?" Hikaru glances around the room. "Hey, where's Tono?"
Honey gasps with more amusement than the situation warrants. "Tama-chan sneaked off!"
All of them excepting Kyouya (who can't be bothered anymore) fly back to the lounge room to be greeted by a scene of destruction.
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Unimpressed, Haruhi looks at the sad pile of what was meant to be a chest of drawers.
She looks at them.
And looks at the heap of wood again.
Tamaki is on his knees, arms wrapped around Haruhi's legs and tears soaking into her jeans.
"You have three options," Haruhi says in a frightening tone, "One: buy me a replacement and don't touch it this time, two: buy me another chest of drawers from wherever you want and don't tell me the price, or three, and I like this best: all of you, especially Hikaru and Kaoru, stop buying me new clothes just because I can dress like a girl now."
Hikaru and Kaoru start wailing their apologies along with Tamaki, Honey joins in for the fun of it and Mori stands there blankly beside a disgruntled Kyouya.
"As punishment, I'm not making dinner for any of you either." Haruhi spins on her heel and marches out the front door. "I'm going to the supermarket; by the time I come back, that should be gone from the middle of the room."
Tamaki himself collapses into a wreckage at Haruhi's displeasure, and the rest of them try desperately to glue the pieces back together, a task more challenging than assembling furniture.
"Do you really have time for this?" Kyouya asks. "Do you want to risk further displeasure from her by crying uselessly instead of making amends?"
Instantly, Tamaki recovers his energy and jumps up. "You're right, Kyouya! By the time Haruhi comes back, there should be a brand new chest of drawers in her room!"
Dryly, Kaoru cuts in, "That's not what Haruhi – "
"Yes! It must be ornate and roomy, with plenty of space to suit Haruhi's needs! It must be the most beautiful furniture that Haruhi has ever seen! Something that will inspire her to think about how amazing our house will look like in future, something that will make her want that future! Hikaru! Kaoru! Lend me your designer's eyes! We will go to choose a new chest of drawers now! In fact, maybe we should give Haruhi a whole new wardrobe with compartments for everything! Yes! The drawers can match the wardrobe, and – "