Please see chapter one for all warnings etc… Oh FFNet played up yesterday, some of you may need to go back a chapter.

Make My Heart Start Beating

14

I'm pillowing my head on his shoulder and not much else, we're barely touching and I'm burning with need for him. Daringly I rest my hand on his chest, over his heart, and feel the rise and fall each breath.

His eyes flash and then whatever emotion was there is suddenly gone.

And still I don't move.

I want him.

I want him badly.

Memories of him in that hotel room tease and torment me, tempt and taunt me. His own breathing is slow and steady, mine is speeding up and I'm starting to pant, he hasn't even touched me yet, he hasn't even caressed me and driven me crazy knowing just the right places to stroke to fuel my fever for him until my whole brain melts and I am a mess of wanton aching needs as I beg him to quench his lusts in me.

Lifting up I shift closer to him and his heart kicks under my hand building up speed.

In order to kiss him I have to move a little more and then I catch sight of a photo I've framed and kept near my bed. It was the last day of summer after my Graduation, everyone in Glee, and I'd argued so David was included, is standing there smiling, dad took the photo for me. But what draws me are Puck and Santana with a tiny pinch of David.

David who lashed out and bullied out of fear, out of pain, running off anyone who could have helped him and screaming in loneliness. Puck and Santana who slept with anyone and anything just to be loved, to find validation even it was for a few precious seconds, to be wanted. And Santana, again, who tore down anyone just to make herself feel better, less of a loser, less of a nothing.

I work with kids like that, I know the literature on self-harming, I remember dad's embarrassing lecture and his affirmation that I matter. There are some very different paths to destroying yourself and sleeping around is one of them, oh there are some people that are built for it, they like sex but aren't addicted to it, and there are those that think it's all they're worth, that it's the only thing they can give and that maybe this time the person they are with will want to keep them.

I'm such an idiot. I'm supposed to be better than the people that use them that way, they are worth so much more than they realise.

Turning Sebastian's head I really look into his eyes and chase the shadows lingering there, and nowhere can I see that he really wants this, that he really wants me, yes his eyes are dilated but he likes sex, why wouldn't they be? His friend in Scandals had told Sebastian that celibacy was bad, does that mean Sebastian has stopped sleeping around? So what does that make me if I'm the one encouraging him to fall back on bad habits?

"Oh Sebastian, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to use you like that," I whimper and shoot off the bed to pick his t-shirt up, he's sitting up starring at me like I'm crazy. I wrestle his t-shirt back on him and hastily pick up the nearest one for myself then I scramble to get the idiotic supplies back in the bag and I idly wonder if I can get my money back, probably not, I put myself through all that today for nothing.

"God I made it all up in my head again didn't I?" I rub my face and maybe years from now I can laugh over this. "I really am such an idiot! There you are flirting with me! Me! You could have anyone you want in the whole damn world with one smirk and there's me, who the hell is going to want me, well except maybe someone like me. You probably thought I was a safe choice to fall back on flirting with, it's not like you even like me that way, I'm not memorable or adventurous, I'm a boring, sweet, nice young man.

"Maybe I should get a dog. Dog's are good and then I can go out running every morning without looking totally stupid and dogs are really good company," I wrinkle my nose, "But they drool, they drool, what if the dog drools on me?"

I break off to see an incredulous and stupefied look on his face, "I'm babbling again aren't I?" Unlocking the door I grab his hand and tug, he isn't budging, "Come on Sebastian, it's okay, I'm not going to molest you." Perking up I smile winsomely at him, "I have proper coffee and ice-cream downstairs, Mercedes and Tina went crazy on the ice-cream, guess they know me better than I want to admit, I really am that predictable aren't I. Okay so coffee, coffee is good!"

That makes him move and I coax him back down the stairs and into the kitchen, leading him to a chair I flit about the kitchen grinding beans and filtering proper coffee, pouring it into little cups and serving it with a smile all while chattering and not letting him speak for fear of what he will say.

Tackling the ice-cream next I empty the freezer of most of the goods and then there it is, ice-cream, kept safe from Finn by hiding it behind the vegetables, "Come to me my precious," I rub my hands then stop, "Sam, damn you and your sci-fi."

"Technically Lord of the Rings is more Fantasy than sci-fi," Sebastian remarks from the table.

"Frankly the fact he got me in the same room as a TV and the film is a miracle," I shrug, "That I can quote from it is just disturbing."

The smirk makes a reappearance so I dive in the freezer and bring forth the treasure, waggling it at him I smile, "See one tub of ice-cream, and it's untouched by Finn, another miracle."

Putting the frozen goods back I rummage for bowls and spoons and put dollops of comfort food in the waiting receptacles, then I raid Finn's food cupboard for sauce.

Pushing a bowl over to Sebastian I watch as he eyes up the sauces and then dismisses them to eat it as nature intended. I'm craving sauce and go for raspberry and chocolate, I'll just run longer or do more workout to make up for it, plus I know when Sebastian's gone I'm going to order in a whole pizza, my favourite go to comfort food.

"Two sauces?" He asks as I lift my spoon up.

Licking the mixture off my spoon I tell him, "Sometimes one sauce is not enough, and sometimes one sauce is one too many, when it comes to ice-cream you have to follow your instincts and trust you've gotten it right." Pausing I think for a second, "Or like Finn you could just pile everything into a bowl and cram it in your mouth with a shovel, I prefer my own approach."

Spoons clink on bowls and the occasionally sound of sipping can be heard, ice-cream and coffee shouldn't go together but they do.

A happy upbeat tune fills the air and Sebastian scowls breaking off his intense bout of staring at me and answers the phone, "What? I'm ahead of schedule on the damn book, leave me alone." He goes silence, "Oh for… No. Just no. Fine," he huffs and hangs up.

Glancing at me he drains the last of his coffee. "I'm sorry but I really have to go and work on a plot line for my agent…"

"That's fine," I brightly interrupt, "You go home, take some time, you matter Sebastian, I just really need you to know that."

I usher him to the front door get stuck opening it, remember it's locked and then fight to open it. I run to get his bike for him and present it with a flourish, "Here you go all safe and sound for you. Do you have a helmet? I didn't see one earlier, you really should get one, what if you crash? Dammit Sebastian you should take more care of yourself."

Handing him the pushbike I step back, "Um, I've handed in my notice at the Lima Bean and Scandals, I don't have many more days left there, so then you'll be Kurt free whenever you're there. I'll be busy looking into what courses I want to start studying, you won't even know I'm in town," I beam at him.

Lifting an eyebrow at me he says, "You know you're insane right?"

Huffing because I am trying to treat him with dignity I grump, "I'm not insane because I am predictable and boring and never venture outside of my comfort zone. I might be a bit particular with some things but cleanliness does not equal madness, not even for Mrs Schue, she just has OCD."

"Ah-huh," he nods, "I only need to write up a few more things and then I'm coming back Kurt."

"Or course you are," I humour him, "It's okay Sebastian, I really do understand."

"I'm not convinced you do," he murmurs and walks the bike down to the road, he gives me another searching look and then he's off, I wave him goodbye, go inside, relock the door and then flee to my room to die of mortification and humiliation.

A/N: Sorry for any and all mistakes, I've tried to catch those I could, but I'm only human.