A/N: I have a feeling I stole the idea for Dr. Doofenshmirtz's hat-scheme from somewhere, but I can't remember where exactly, or if I actually did come up with it myself. In any case, it's such a Doof thing to do I used it anyway. I guess if I did steal it, I can claim it's an homage.

I am in love with Doofenshmirtz.

Perry was in a shock. Then, after ten seconds he decided being in a shock was unproductive and got over it. But it left the question for him to deal with. What was he going to do about it?

'Nothing' seemed like a good idea. There really wasn't any reason for him to change the way he acted around the doctor, any possible steps towards, whatever the thing it might move towards was, would only get in the way of his job. How things were with his nemesis now were good. No need for any complications.

"What? What are you looking at?"

Dr. Doofenshmirtz paused his monologue on how he was going to take over the Tri-state-area by getting everyone's hats pulled over their eyes so they couldn't see to raise a quizzical eyebrow.

The agent hadn't realized he had let his gaze linger on the model of the Eiffel-tower long enough for the doctor to notice. But he had, which, considering the platypus was hanging upside-down restrained by a top-hat, was impressive and one of those instances when the doctor seemed to be extremely observant.

Said doctor pointed at the model.

"This? Yeah, I was planning to give it to Mary, that's the button-woman I mentioned, you remember? Anyway, it turned out she was into buttons. Like, way too much. Completely unable to talk about anything else. Also she was convinced the zipper-industry is secretly in charge of the US government. Which is fair enough, but she was also convinced zippers were based on ancient Viking technology given to them by ancient aliens masquerading as the Norse gods. Which also sounds kinda plausible now that I think about all the weird stuff, including aliens, that I have seen. But still, she was a total weirdo. Anyway, I liked this model too much to let her have it, so I brought it back with me."

He shrugged.

"You can have it if you want to. Now that I think about it, it was mostly spite that made me take it back, and whether you or I have it, the most important thing is she doesn't."

And so, after destroying the Hat-pullinator, Perry ended up carrying the model of Eiffel-tower back home, uncertain what to do with it. He could have thrown it away, he supposed Heinz wouldn't have minded too much, as long as the button-obsessed Mary didn't get it. But it was a gift, and throwing away a gift wasn't good manners. And there was a possibility Doof would mind, not that he'd know…

Unless he asked what Perry had done with it.

In the end the agent put it in the small closet for personal belongings he had in his underground base. There wasn't much. A pair of novelty-antlers he had gotten from Major Monogram last Christmas, a framed picture of him in his agent-persona with his boys, taken before their memories had been wiped, and the vase he had gotten from his nemesis last Christmas.

"Mom, mom!"

"What is it, Candace?"

"Phineas and Ferb baked a cake!"

Perry meandered to the group, waiting to be noticed.

"Okay, that in itself isn't especially bust-worthy, but it's how they did it! With one of those Rube Goldberg machines! A HUGE one! There was a lot of dominoes, and falling things tipping scales and a trained elephant and more dominoes and… I can see how this is going to end… Okay, mom, you can just say it, I'm crazy, talking crazy-things."

"Have some cake."

Resigned, the girl took her mother's suggestion, mumbling:

"And you would have seen it too, if it weren't for that hat blinding the elephant that panicked and destroyed all the evidence."

"That hat was key for the Rube Goldberg machine to work properly, I don't know what happened to it."

Their mother had, of course, wandered away just in time to miss hearing Phineas say this.

"Maybe next time we should use an osprey instead. No need for a hat," Ferb suggested.

"Yeah, it would take less room too. Oh, there you are, Perry."

"Krkrkrkt."

That over with, Perry decided to retire to bed early. He had a lot to think about.

On other hand, if Dr. Doofenshmirtz had gotten a girl-friend, that would have solved Perry's problem for him, since the agent couldn't have done anything about his situation.

But since he wasn't currently in a relationship…

Even though there were surprisingly many platypuses in Danville, Perry had never been really all that interested in spending time with them. He did have some idea on what platypus-romance involved, thanks to that one time Phineas and Ferb had made him watch that nature-documentary they had thought he'd find interesting, and he had no desire to go down that route.

So he supposed it would be better to observe human couples and model his strategy based on a successful relationship or two.

He thought of his favorite soaps, but decided against trusting them for advice on human interaction. Although sometimes he thought the life in Danville, at least when it came to Phineas' and Ferb's inventions, was governed by some kind of narrative convenience.

But in any case, there weren't too many happy relationships in the tv-shows he followed. They tended to get interrupted by cheating, or evil twins, or lawsuits, or everything just turning out to be a dream.

So he turned his thoughts to couples he knew personally.

There were Isabella and Phineas. Not a couple, exactly, not yet anyway. But there was probably something to be learned from the way Isabella approached the problem. They were friends, and really, had a good and close relationship.

However, she had kissed him, right before their memories had been wiped. That didn't really make sense for Perry. It wasn't like she remembered it either. Or had used the opportunity to take a risk and find out what the object of her affections thought of the prospect of a romantic relationship. In any case, she hadn't been yet successful in turning their friendship romantic, and since they were both still kids, that was just as well.

Then there was Candace.

She had a very obsessive personality. It wasn't that Perry didn't like her (quite the opposite), but he didn't really understand why Jeremy wanted to be with her.

Still, if anything, you could learn from their relationship that it helped being persistent. And that there was someone suitable for everyone.

Major Monogram was married, but Perry didn't know much about his life outside of work. And Carl didn't have much success with romance as far as Perry knew.

Vanessa had a boy-friend, but Perry didn't know much about her friendships, and whether her relationship with Johnny was serious.

And of course there were Linda and Lawrence.

At first Perry dismissed them, but when he thought about it, actually they were exactly the kind of a couple he would want to emulate. And there were certain parallels to him and Doctor Doofenshmirtz. They were adults from different cultural backgrounds, who had formed their relationship as grown-ups, after already having kids and past relationships. And they worked together, and made that work.

It wasn't that Perry could, or even wanted to, end up like they did, though.

Although now that he thought about it, when it came to most of the 'married-people-stuff', he could see himself doing it with his nemesis. Actually, a lot of that stuff they had already done. Going shopping, throwing a birthday-party for Vanessa, just spending time together, Doof taking him to that Pageant of Evil as a what could be described as his 'date'…

If he could isolate what made the human interaction work and how it could be applied to his situation, maybe he could figure out the right course of action...

He let out a frustrated 'krkrkrt'.

It felt like he was missing something here.

He couldn't just change their relationship into something it wasn't. And did he even want to? Shouldn't he try to build on what they already had?

Should he even do anything? Or have the doctor take the next step? Even if he wasn't exactly an authority on successful romantic relationships either. What was the protocol here?

And Perry realized he had been thinking about this all wrong. He had to think of this problem like a mission, he always knew how to act during those. All he'd have to do was approach the situation like it was one of doctor's schemes.

So, Doofenshmirtz had trapped him by making him feel like this, now how was he going to escape?

He thought of it for a moment, then abandoned that scenario altogether, partly because it would have meant these feelings were something to get rid of.

He tried again.

Doctor's scheme was to make him feel confused and uncertain of how to act. By mainly being himself. And by having a cute nose.

Or, rather putting Perry in this situation without even realizing it himself. But now he was wreaking havoc in Perry's life by putting him in this difficult position and was either

a) unaware of what was going on

b) acting like he had no idea.

or

c) waiting for Perry to make the next move

So all Perry would have to do was to beat up his obliviousness out of him and make their relationship explode on his face.

Perry mulled over that a bit, pondering about the metaphors involved.

But eventually he had a plan.

Perry the Platypus stood outside Doofenshmirtz's door, trying to decide how to enter.

The usual "crash through the ceiling" thing seemed a bit rude, considering he wasn't expected.

But ringing his doorbell was out of the question because he was on a mission to thwart him, after all.

He decided to go with opening his door with his keys and walking in unannounced.

What he was about to do was not, surprisingly, forbidden by the O.W.C.A. guidelines. Oddly enough, the rulebook did forbid eating your nemesis (even if you planned to spit them out later) and telling your nemesis' mother what they were up to so they could be grounded.

So Perry had turned his wrist-communicator off, just on the off chance Major Monogram would decide to contact him. He wasn't planning to inspire a new amendment to the rules.

He found the doctor sitting in his chair, watching tv.

Startled, the human jumped up, then seeing who it was sank back into his chair.

"You scared me, Perry the Platypus! Why would you walk in someone else's home like that, without warning? I'm not even doing anything evil right now, unless you count stealing cable from my neighbo-"

His ramblings were cut short by a kick to the chin.

While the scientist was still dazed, Perry pulled him on his eye-level.

And kissed him.

Initially it was mostly just a collision of bill and lips, but Perry quickly adjusted his position to better match the shape of the human's mouth, hoping it was an acceptable approximation of what he had observed human couples doing.

The agent might not have been that knowledgeable on kissing, but from what he understood of it, both parties were supposed to participate in it, and despite the kiss going on for several seconds, it was most certainly one-sided.

So he let the doctor go.

The said human made a some kind of an attempt to back away, but was a bit uncertain and shaken, falling on his butt and then backing away from the platypus until his back hit the wall.

Doofenshmirtz's reaction made Perry's heart sink in a way he hadn't been prepared for.

Not only had he not returned the kiss, he actively attempted to get away from it.

"What in Hühnerstall des Grauens was that all about!"

His voice was even more high-pitched than usual.

Both the evil scientist and the platypus stared at each other.

And the latter realized he didn't really have any follow-up plan. He had sort of assumed Dr. Doofenshmirtz's reaction to what he did would help him improvise the next step. That's how their encounters usually went.

He had predicted he'd either return his feelings or kick him in the head, both scenarios he felt like he could handle.

But the doctor just sat there, staring at him, his eyes wider than the agent had ever seen.

So Perry turned and walked out of the door.

And somehow the fact that his exit wasn't accompanied by the "Curse you, Perry the Platypus!" felt the worst of all.

I was uncertain if I should up the rating for this chapter, because of the one-sided kiss, but I figured it was okay, since Isabella did it to Phineas in the show.