Please see chapter one for all warnings etc…
Make My Heart Start Beating
31
It's been a week, well just over a week, it's now Saturday. I've not seen him once, he messages me to beg off seeing me, he's not done one flying visit and with the surprise party coming up I've been so busy dodging David I've not had a moment to go to him either.
And people are still interfering in MY life. Complete strangers think they can give me advice on Sebastian just because they voted for my dad, the line about what kind of man I am is still working but I shouldn't have to use it.
I didn't even get to see Sebastian when I went for my tests, he couldn't get in at the same time and scheduled an earlier day.
Worried I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling.
Dad had said it was a good thing Sebastian had changed, that he'd grown up, but what if the man has changed too much and his natural Sebastian-ness to pursue things he wants has changed too?
Rolling over I glare at the clock, it's too early in the morning to be putting myself through this. I've promised to go to Dalton today and help with their summer choir program, I generally point them in the direction of music they want and veto the riskier things as inappropriate.
I try not to listen to the nasty little voice in my head that asks me if the reason he's stopped pursuing is because he's had enough of me, that he thinks I'm not worth pursuing, which leaves me back in my normal position of pursuing the guy I'm attracted too.
My friends aren't that supportive of my new fledging relationship and some of them are very eager to point out how much Sebastian had disliked me when we were teens, how very little he'd thought of me then, how he'd insulted me constantly.
Running away from the nagging doubts I pound the pavements for a while jogging in the early summer sun and breathing in the fresh air. As I come home again I pass by the evil neighbour who's standing in her garden, does the woman never sleep? She gives me the evil eye and I have to stop when I get to the patch of grass Sebastian had collapsed on and I can see him clearly as he'd howled with laughter.
Determined I march into the house, I'm going to make time to see him at the Lima Bean before I have to go to Dalton, I will not jump to conclusions, I will wait and see, he's probably been working on his writing or pulling double shifts to get some money in.
He called me beautiful.
Showering, I can't resist the allure of the scales and I'm right where I should be, I pinch my stomach to be on the safe side and that's fine too. Checking my face I can't see many lines, well any really. Smearing on cream I go to get dressed for the day.
Bolting my breakfast I can barely swallow the fruit down, but dad and I have had rules on this for years and I stick to them now. I take a pear with me just in case I get hungry later.
I know the perfect flower shop and I pace waiting for them to open and there is the perfect flower for my boyfriend. The shop has these fancy little mobile vases and I get one as I know Sebastian doesn't have any in his apartment.
Driving to the Lima Bean I park and hide the flower behind my back, they're open and Sebastian's not serving he's cleaning tables, he looks tired and the treacherous voice in my head says he's tired because he's been fooling around or something else uninnocent and nefarious.
Squashing the voice I sneak up on my boyfriend, "Morning Sebastian."
Startled and shocked he stares at me for a few moments too long and I panic and shove the bright star shaped flower at him, "Here, it's a tiger lily because I missed you, I've not seen you for days and I wanted you to know I've been thinking about you and missing you. David and Kyle's party is soon, as you're my boyfriend you're invited of course and I've really missed you."
Transferring his stare from me to the flower he keeps staring and then takes it from me as my stomach rolls and I have to hide the gag, I will not throw up my breakfast, I haven't done that since I was in High School, I'm an adult I can control my stomach.
Too late, remembering the bad times of High School makes me remember the way Sebastian used to call me a girl, the way he'd mocked my clothes and now I've only gone and handed him a flower, a very girly thing to do.
Doing my best to ignore the rush of nagging doubts I wait for him to make it better, to make me feel better.
One of his long fingers trails down a petal and I try and think of something nice to say to him, an opening gambit of conversation that will fix everything somehow. My mind goes blank and from the recesses of my brain comes a sentence and I blurt, "Te sunt pulchra."
Frowning he says, "That's not French, is it Italian?" And I go pale as I realise I've just called him beautiful in Latin.
Come on Kurt you can fix this, you're a grown adult man, you're not a teenager anymore you can do this, laugh it off and never mention it again, he might think you're an idiot but that's all.
"Ego amare," I say in a soft breathy voice and the memory of me as a teen as I told Finn that I honestly loved him while in a dumb crush with him makes my stomach kick a few times. The similarities are to now are, well, just too similar.
Swaying slightly I back up a few steps intending to flee and hope he gets momentary amnesia to sweep this new embarrassing and humiliating experience under the carpet where it can never see the light of day.
Why do I always do this? Why do I over do everything and rush in? Because I've just told Sebastian I love him in Latin, which he thankfully doesn't understand.
Tilting his head he studies me and he's too smart I have to create a brand new strategy to escape this and then he asks, "Are you alright?"
"Fine, I'm fine, I just have to leave as I said I'd go to Dalton and help them with their show choir thing," my laugh is high pitched and fake and oh no he's frowning again. "Anyway I'll leave you to your work, sorry to interrupt, call me okay," he's not going to call, I just know he's not going to call, I will not sit by my phone moping, I have a party to plan, I will be an adult and ignore the pain in my chest and the way my stomach is heaving.
"Kurt," the way he says my name makes me pause in hope, "We really need to talk," and he's so serious my hope takes a giant nose dive to end in an even bigger crash and burn incident.
We need to talk is code for 'Kurt mommy's sick', 'Kurt mommy's dead', 'Kurt you're not sexy', 'Kurt guys don't sing girl songs it's weird dude', 'Kurt I'm sorry but we're breaking up', 'Kurt Hummel we're sorry but the place is going to Rachel Berry', we need to talk is never good.
Forcing a smile I nod, "Okay, we'll talk," we won't, you have no idea how ninja like I can be when I'm avoiding people, I had a lot of practice in high school, "Goodbye Sebastian," I edge towards the door and I really want to hug him one last time but I don't.
He doesn't even say goodbye he only frowns harder and then I drive to Dalton and fall back on the calm easygoing relaxed role of Mr Kurt Hummel, the man that helps the kids and encourages them, who helps them find their own dreams. I must remember not to pull a Mr Schue and involve them with my life by making them serenade the object of my desires.
I promised David I wouldn't go back to sleep, I promised him I would live and I will because this time my entire future isn't wrapped in one boy and college, I have other things now.
Things like these boys, I clap their performance and I'll let them bask in that glow before I nudge them gently here and there to make it better. I also let some of the backing singers have their moment in the limelight we all need that sometimes.
I will continue to help the bullied and the bullies, to educate them all, I'll volunteer at Glee and Cheerleading practice. I'll run a successful business and employ people in this town. And I'm going back to school, perhaps I'll take a refresher course in French or Latin.
It's my life, and I'm going to live it, just not with Sebastian, I can't believe he's bored with me already but I'll move on, eventually, I just have to wait for my heart to mend, again.
A/N: Sorry for any and all mistakes, I've tried to catch those I could, but I'm only human.
Right now I'm going to try and murder the Latin language, again blame Google Translate:
Te sunt pulchra – you are beautiful
Ego amare – I love you
Plus thank you for all favs, alerts and reviews :) And not long to go now, we're nearly at chapter 39 :)