Guess who's back….back again…

Yes, that's right, our fearless girl adventurers! This chapter was really difficult to consider complete because it's so important I didn't want to rush it, and I'd like to take a second to thank those peeps who helped get this done.

Daniwerner and KrisB were beat's on this one and OMG I love them. Fer serious, guys, they helped clean it up and get it cohesive. Dani, Young Americans is for you and Chris, the line about porcupines and Emmett's Bangles moment are all yours.

My betabeta Ashlee/AshLove is teh awesome and caught so many things I would've comepletely over looked. Our beta circle of love is complete : )

There's more, but I'll get to it at the bottom.

I own nothing except Bella's boots, but I so rock those.

Love me or hate me, it's still an obsession
Love me or hate me, that is the question
If you love me then, thank you!
If you hate me then, fuck you!

--Lady Sovereign

I was woke the next morning by a high pitched beeping, followed by a crashing sound of epic proportions coming through my wall.

"FUCK!" I heard Alice yell. I jumped out of bed. Oh, Jesus! Did something happen to her clothes?!? As I attempted to make my way to her, I managed to trip on my shoes, slide across the floor, and slammed face-first into the door before I finally made it to the hall, marveling at the fact that I had, in fact, managed to remain upright. I threw open Alice's door to see her, clothes rumpled from sleep and hair going every which way, glaring at the wreckage of what I assumed was once an alarm clock.

"Goddamn-motherfucking-piece-of-shit-cunt-nugget! What kind of alarm clock can't even survive impact with a wall?! THE FUCKING PUSSY KIND!!!" she screamed at the electronic bits and pieces littering the floor. Jesus fuck, Alice has got quiet an arm on her. I stepped forward tentatively and put my hand on her shoulder.

"Alice? Hon?" I questioned, wishing I had something else to touch her with besides my hands. I was really going to need Righty and Lefty intact if this celibacy thing was going to work.

Alice turned to me slowly, eyes wide and staring like a killer zombie in a horror movie, half expecting her to say "Braaaaaiiinssss…"

"I fucking hate mornings," was all she said before striding out of the room. I heard her walk down the hall and into the kitchen, where doors and drawers slammed open and closed for a few minutes before "motherfucking Hitler's bitch!!" rang out.

I walked slowly down the hall so as not to spook her and finally made it to the kitchen. I'm just like those fucking idiots in the horror movie! I'm actually following the zombie now. Alice was standing at the sink with her back to me, hands braced on the counter, her breathing erratic. She whipped around as I walked in and placed her hands on her hips.

"We have no coffee," she said after a moment. "And not only do we have no coffee, but even if we did, we couldn't actually make any because we don't have a fucking coffeemaker." She glared over at the empty countertop and I swear I heard it whimper. Time for diversionary tactics.

"Um, remember what we're doing today?" I said timidly, not knowing what would set her off at this point. She looked at me, slightly confused as she tried to remember what we were doing and if it had anything to do with java.

"Um. Shopping?" she said, perking up slightly at the idea of shopping, then drooping as she saw no caffeine in sight. I nodded.

"Close! We're getting furniture today! And," I said quickly, noticing the crazy come back into her eyes, "we're having breakfast with Emmett at his café! He said their coffee was the bomb." The crazy retreated as my news sunk in. Crisis averted for now, but we definitely needed to pick up a Mr. Coffee as well as some beans before the day was through.

We went off to our suites to get ready for the day. I showered and dried my hair before returning to my room to get dressed. What to wear, what to wear…. I grabbed my Doors shirt that had been cut up the sides and then laced back together with leather string. I modified a lot of my shirts when they didn't fit correctly, and I'm sure the second I walked out Alice would have a conniption. I wiggled into my black shrink-to-fit Levi's, grabbed my studded belt and threw on my black and grey Vans. A couple of hair ties, some bobby pins and my trusty Burt's Bees lip balm in my pocket and I was ready to go.

I grabbed my bag and slung it across my chest before opening the door and walking toward the living room. Alice was nowhere to be seen, so I walked onto the balcony and stood with my arms resting on the railing, taking in the city. I was kind of in shock; I mean, this shit only happened in movies right? Girl goes on international adventure, meets amazing people, falls in love and lives happily ever after. The End, Mazel Tov, thank you and goodnight. I stared at nothing for a few minutes before I realized I was actually looking at the building across the street. Do you really expect him to walk out again? It was a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing. Accept it for what it was and move on.

Out of the blue, I heard muffled music. I looked around, wondering where the hell it was coming from before I realized it was coming from my bag. I wrenched it open, looking for my phone, and realized what the song was and who it must be.

He's a lean mean wreckin' machine/He gets respected like a king when he's on the scene/So bust a move cause you know he's def/He's my DJ (the magnificent) Jazzy Jeff…

I giggled as I answered the phone. "Jazzy Jeff, what a wonderful surprise. How the fuck did you get my number?" I heard a sharp intake of breath and a booming laugh that could only be Emmett. Jesus, that boy was loud.

"How did you know it was him?" I heard Emmett call from the background, and I realized I must be on speaker phone. At least they hadn't hung up on me like my mom.

"Well, when my phone started rapping 'He's my DJ (the magnificent) Jazzy Jeff!' I kind of figured there was really only one person it could be." I walked over to the countertop that ran the walls of the balcony and hopped up onto it while I listened to Jasper mutter what was sure to be unkind things in Emmett's direction. I heard Emmett say "what? I couldn't help it!" and understood that, had Jasper picked his own ringtone, it probably wouldn't have been Jazzy Jeff.

"Well, Lady Bella, I have your number because I, uh, called my phone from yours. Alice said it was a good idea!" He alleged, apparently not wanting to sound like a creeper. "Speaking of Miss Alice," nice subject change, pal, "you wouldn't happen to know where she is, would you? She's not answering her phone…" he trailed off, and the despair in his voice was so cute I didn't have the heart to mess with him.

"Fear not, Romeo, she's getting dressed. Your lady love is well." I smiled, liking how Jasper made my inner-romantic come to the forefront. It was a nice change from the cynical outlook I usually had. I heard a sigh of relief, an 'oh, brother' from Emmett and a loud crash. I jumped, holding the phone away from my ear. Apparently today was going to be a day for crashing things.

There were some scuffling noises on the other end before I heard Emmett's voice in my ear. "Hey, man, watch it! I just wanna talk to her…FUCK! Jasper, no biting! No, Jasper, that's my no-no square!! N-" and the line clicked off. I was still looking at my phone, wondering what the shit just happened, when it started to ring again.

All night, she wants the young American. Young American, young American, she wants the young American. All right, she wants the young American…

"Coolest Ever" was blinking on my screen where a name should be, and I was pretty damn sure who was calling. I answered the phone saying, "Seriously dude? Young Americans? Coolest Ever? Could you have been more obvious?"

There was a deep chuckle in my ear before Emmett said, "Well, I am the coolest ever, and you knew it was me, so I'd say that's a point for obvious." I laughed, acknowledging the fact that he was right. "Anyway. Are you ready for the most orgasmic food you've ever had?"

"Oh, Young American, I hate to disappoint you but I have pretty high standards…what takes you minutes could take me nowhere. I don't know if you're going to live up to my…expectations for a big man like you. Since its you, though, I'm definitely ready to try what is said to be the most orgasmic food ever."

"Ok, well then you and Scarlett should hurry up and get down here! I invited Jasper, bee tee dubs, 'cause I figured he'd be on the phone with her the whole time anyway," he said in an offhand sort of way. I chuckled, thinking that Alice was going to flip when she heard her new nickname.

"All right, I'll grab Miss O'Hara on the way out. See you soon."

"Over and out, Red Leader," he said and hung up the phone. Star Wars references. I knew I liked him.

45 minutes later we were walking down Greek Street in Soho, heading towards the river. We had grabbed the Tube at Hyde Park Corner and gotten off at Tottenham Court Road. We walked down Oxford Street, and I could see the Virgin Megastore. I had a minor fit of hysteria as my brain went "Oh shit, oh shit! You're in LONDON," but I managed to contain it. We turned a corner and ambled through SoHo Park to Greek Street. Alice and Jasper were holding hands and strolling along like the lovesick weirdoes they were.

Emmett and I were walking like Egyptians.

Not only were we walking like them, but Em was singing the song at the top of his lungs, "Slide your feet up the street bend your back /Shift your arm then you pull it back!!" While following the helpful instructions left to us by The Bangles, we had an idea.

We decided to make a game out of seeing who got the most open-mouthed stares as we meandered down the street. So far, Em was winning. Apparently, seeing a huge man walking like an Egyptian one moment and doing pirouettes the next wasn't a regular occurrence in this neighborhood. I wasn't even attempting to beat him anymore; it was more fun to watch it all unfold.

I started to cluck like a chicken and flap my arms, ba-gocking loudly at passersby.

Emmett turned into a dog. He would bark at onlookers, and the one time someone tried to walk by him, he stuck his nose into their shoulder and started whuffling around like a hunting dog after a scent. The man ran away, mumbling about "miscreants" and "uncontrolled youth." Emmett let out a howl and I joined in before we stumbled down the street, laughing our asses off.

Suddenly he stopped and grabbed my hand. I turned to look at him, only to find him staring at a little blue shop. "Maison Bertaux Café" was written on a blue-striped awning, two small tables in front of the big picture window. Inside was heaven.

Warm golden light shone down on a huge display case, all kinds of delicious pastries safely stored behind the glass. I half expected the Hallelujah chorus to start playing. Emmett tugged on my hand and pulled me through the door.

"Be with you in a second!" a woman called from the back. I heard the bell above the door chime again and looked over my shoulder to see Alice and Jasper walk in. They stood next to us, looking over the pastries and deciding which ones to get.

I looked up just in time to see a stunning woman walk out of the back. She had strawberry blond curls that fell artfully around her face, perfect lips and cold, blue eyes. Something about those eyes gave me the willies. It was like she was empty. There was no soul in those eyes.

She had a smudge of flour across her cheek, and icing on her apron. A name tag pinned to the front of her royal blue apron proclaimed her to be Tanya. She smiled brightly at Emmett and Jasper, giving Alice and I a forced grimace that I suppose was meant to be a smile.

"Welcome to Maison Bertaux," she said with a heavy English accent. "How can I help you?" I had a feeling that "help" could be taken in a few different ways. She directed all of her comments at the boys, giving us females the cold shoulder. As Emmett made up his mind, asking Jasper what he wanted, I watched the woman eyefuck the hell out of the men. And not in the classy kind of way.

Alice leaned in and muttered in my ear, "Bitch looks at my man again like he's something to eat and I will take her down." Her words had the ring of truth about them, and I knew she was for real.

"I'll hold her, you hit. Then it's my turn," I said back, not at all liking the way she was ogling Emmett. It's universally agreed by all who know me that, more than anything, I'm as loyal as a pit bull. Once I consider you a friend, I will do anything for you. And that includes saving Emmett from the harpy. You know a chick is bad news if every other woman in the room wants to take her out. We can't all be wrong, nor can we all be jealous. It's primal instinct to feel defensive around a threat; Tanya was most definitely a threat.

There were little lines creasing Emmett's forehead as he studied the display case. "Hmmmmm," he said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "We'll have four orders of beignets, four coffees, and then whatever they want," he declared as he gestured toward the rest of us.

Alice and I walked slowly and purposefully up to the pastry case. Every muscle in my body was tense. This Tanya chick was giving me a bad feeling. Something about her felt…off. I didn't like her. It was unreasonable, since I didn't even know her, but it was also undeniable. I just knew that if she was given the chance, she would fuck my life up royally. I was pretty sure she would fuck up her mother's life and not think twice about it, if it got her what she wanted. There was a sense of…ruthlessness about her.

I looked up to see contempt and condescension blazing in her cold blue eyes. Typical. I always had people jumping to the wrong conclusions about me, but it really pissed me off that this woman thought I was the bad one. Bitch. I could feel Alice stiffen next to me; she had clearly noticed the battle of wills going on between me and the sugar slag.

"We'll have a dozen éclairs," Alice said coolly, her grey eyes steely. Tanya gulped. Apparently Alice was scary. I guess I could see it. I was scary in that "unknown" way, whereas Alice could be scary in that "ruthless Roman Emperor" way. She would take care of her people, and woe to any who tried to mess with her. Good to know. "Quickly."

"O-of course. Right away." Tanya scurried away, wrapping up beignets and éclairs, pouring cups of coffee. Emmett stepped up to pay for breakfast, waving away our offers to contribute.

"I got this," he said. "Seriously, I insist." We mumbled our thanks and went to sit outside. Emmett walked out a few seconds later, setting down our goodies and dividing them up. As he pulled out the beignets, a napkin fluttered to the ground.

I reached down to pick it up and I noticed the writing on it. "You have got to be fucking kidding me," I muttered, not believing someone could be this skanky. Tanya had left a note. It was addressed to "The two scrumptious lads" and gave a detailed description of her favorite activities. Apparently, Tanya was into Role Playing, and I don't mean a good old-fashioned game of Dungeons and Dragons. Her phone number was listed at the bottom, next to a lipstick kiss.

Alice was the only one to notice the napkin and my look of disgust, because the men-folk were much too busy chowing down on beignets and éclairs. She read the note over my shoulder, a strangled noise escaping her as she reached the bottom. Her teeth ground together, and she inhaled sharply through her nose.

"Motherfucker," she said quietly. She looked at me, and I could see the revulsion I felt reflected in her gaze. This Tanya chick felt…slimy. You know those women. You can't put your finger on it, but they feel wrong. Something about them makes all the hair on the back of your neck stand up, and you feel like you need to mark everything that belongs to you, especially your men. I made a mental note to find Em a new bakery. I was afraid of what that woman would attempt.

We finished our pastries and coffee, which I have to admit were fucking brilliant, and headed off towards Jermyn Street and the antique shop Papa Cullen had recommended. We walked to the end of Greek and took a right onto Shaftesbury, passing a few (okay, a lot of) Chinese places and a steakhouse. There was a theater on our right and buildings from the time of dear old Billy Shakespeare and the like. Big and tall and brick, with enough roof spines to give a porcupine a hard-on and some funny ideas.

Emmett was trying to play tour guide but it mostly consisted of drunken stories about places we passed. He would start with a historical fact and then get side-tracked. "This building was first constructed in 1654, as part of a hospital. One time, we took the freshman here and got them drunk and confused as part of 'team bonding' before the rest of us jumped out and scared the crap out of them!" It was cute as hell and unbelievably endearing.

I didn't think I had ever met someone as genuinely good-natured as Emmett. Some people might think it was him being dumb, but he's not at all; he was just one of those agreeable people. Wherever he went, he would find friends because he was so genuinely good natured. He was one of those good guys. You know, the ones we all want to exist but don't believe they do? Yeah. Apparently the fucking Brits have been hoarding them 'cause not only is Emmett crazy awesome, Jasper is too. I pondered the implications of this discovery as we ambled down the street. So, does that mean all the men here are nice? Surely that can't be. There have to be assholes here somewhere.

Before I met Emmet and Jasper…actually, before I met all three (or four if you count Rosalie) random people in the strangest of circumstances, I had felt apart from the world. Even as people surged about me, I was isolated-with them but not part of them. It's like this everywhere. I am…different. I don't think the same as these people, I don't dress the same, I don't act the same, and I sure as hell don't sound the same. I am completely singular in everything I do and am.

Back home this made me feel like I was cool; aloof and apart from the "everyday" people of Forks. When I got to SPU I felt like maybe I wasn't as apart as I thought, maybe I would find people who made me feel less bizarre, less…weird. I didn't and I despaired at the idea that maybe there just wasn't anyone like me out there.

Then I met these people, and I didn't feel so bizarre. Maybe I just needed the right set of individuals to help me understand.

Emmett noticed that I wasn't keeping up and came back for me. I looked up at him, my eyes wide with the knowledge of my (albeit involuntary) seclusion. I might not have a glass face, but my every thought is reflected in my eyes for all to see. Emmett saw all of this and he just smiled.

"Come on, Bella. I won't let you be alone anymore."

We walked into the antique shop on Jermyn Street a few minutes later and were greeted by a hollered "Just a moment!" from somewhere behind the giant stacks and piles of really, really old stuff.

We wandered aimlessly around, looking at the things that people didn't want for themselves but felt they could charge exorbitant amounts of money to people who did. Eh. Thus is life.

I heard Emmett laugh from somewhere behind the desks. "I'm totally King of England!" I followed the sound of his laughter, wondering what in God's name he was up to now. As I turned the corner of Wardrobe and Roll Top, I saw Em sitting on a colossal wooden throne. Seriously, a throne, with a giant carved back and red velvet cushion. He had his leg draped across the arm and his nose in the air, looking thoroughly royal.

"Eala, look! I'm Henry the eighth!" he said when I came into view. I paused, wondering if I'd heard correctly.

"Em, did you just call me Ella?"

He looked down sheepishly, pink slowly creeping into his face and the tips of his ears. He glanced up from under his lashes, looking shy and hesitant.

"Not 'Ella'. Eala. E-a-l-a," he said. "It's Gaelic."

"How do you know Gaelic?" I said, seriously shocked that that's what it was.

He looked at me with a smirk, saying in a perfect Irish lilt, "Oh and where do you think a nice name like McCarty came from? My kin's as Irish as they get."

I laughed, impressed by his accent prowess. He gave me a real smile before continuing.

"We McCarty's hail from Galway, an old fishing town on the west coast. My mother's folk come from Wicklow, on the opposite side. From the time I was born, Granny McCarty only ever spoke to us in Gaelic, saying we should never forget where we came from. She was the one who told me about the Swans." He was clearly proud of his heritage and his granny because he was beaming at the end of his explanation.

"But Emmett, why were you calling me that?" I asked, curious to know what it meant. He blushed again and smiled shyly at me.

"Well, at first just because it meant 'Swan,' but the more time I spend with you, the more it's because of what it means to be born in the time of the Swan. People born during its time are usually personified by the characteristics of beauty, love and soul. It was also said that Swan people are kind and gentle, adept in love and the social arts. They are calm and serene, with a strong domestic sense. And they are said to have a connection with the fae," he smiled and looked quickly towards where Alice's voice was issuing instructions, "shapeshifting, and creativity. You are clearly a Swan person." He paused, looking thoughtful. "When were you born?"

"September thirteenth," I answered, wondering where this was going. He just looked at me, mouth agape and the hamster off his wheel. "Close your mouth. You're letting the flies in."

"No. Fucking. Way. No way! It was meant to be!" he cried as he jumped from his throne and wrapped me in what can only be described as the world's most all-encompassing bear hug, lifting me off the ground in his exuberance.

"Can't…breathe…" I squeaked out, unable to draw sufficient breath to say anything else. He put me down again and held me at arm's length.

"Eala, do you know when the time of the Swan is?" he asked, clearly wanting to share.

"No, Em, I can't say that I do," I replied, casually using my fingertips to check for broken ribs.

"People born between September second and September twenty-ninth are Swans. You really are the perfect Swan." He hugged me again, less fiercely this time but still with just as much emotion.

"You know what Granny McCarty also said? That someday I would meet a girl who would be the sister I was always meant to have. She said, 'Emmett, garmhac, your sister will be a Swan. You will know her by the mark of the serpent she bears," he touched my viperbites softly, "and the nature of the Swan that she is. You are meant to be her protector, and she your heart. She will be the thing that grounds you from your foolish decisions, wee man. She will have need of you, and it will be great.'" He looked at me, a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth.

"I will be here, Eala. Whatever storm you are to face, I will be here."

Jasper and Alice found me curled up like a kitten in Emmett's lap, once again sitting on the throne. She had picked what she liked and wanted to know what I needed. I wandered around, picking a large roll top desk that matched the floors, a huge wardrobe and the most amazing bed I had ever seen. It was made of a dark cherry wood, with turned posts made for a canopy and drapes, a headboard intricately carved with a garden scene and drawers built into the bottom. I fell in love with it and couldn't wait to see it in my room. I also got a few bedside tables and a large trunk, just in case I needed the extra storage.

Alice put a yellow sticky note on all of my choices and said we could leave. Apparently she had spoken to the shop attendant and it had been arranged that we would get the furniture and Big Daddy C would get the bill. Christ on a cannoli, I was beginning to love that man.

We spent the rest of the day wandering around Soho, looking in the different shops and buildings. I was exhausted when we got home, but I had never been so fucking happy in my whole life. I had a brother, a best friend, and Jasper, who was feeling like a confidante. There was something about him that made me trust him implicitly.

We ordered in some take-away, as it was apparently called, although I still called it take out. Tonight it was goode olde English fare, namely some fish and chips we got from a place a few blocks over. I plugged in the coffeemaker I had bought, put the grounds in the freezer and handed Alice a new alarm clock, which she accepted sheepishly. Hopefully this ensured that I wasn't awakened at the ass-crack of dawn by the sounds of electronic death. The boys left at midnight after a rousing game of charades and a relaxing time on the balcony. I crawled into bed that night glowing with elation. London was better than I had expected, and it was only the second day. In the words of Sweeny Todd, "There's no place like London."

Upon opening my eyes the next morning, I discovered that my caffeine distraction had worked and Alice was sitting calmly at the island, sipping her coffee. Wait, she was sitting? We don't have chairs….

I looked around the apartment and noticed that we had furniture. There were couches and chairs and electronics and all sorts of things. I stared dumbly at the new additions before turning to Alice. "How long was I asleep?"

"Well," she said, "It's about two now, so…fourteen hours?" She looked thoughtful, figuring out if her calculations were correct. Holy sleep deprivation, Batman. That's a shit ton of nappage.

"I got everything in except our antiques. They should be here in about an hour." Her phone started to ring then, and I decided that the couch looked comfortable, but it needed to be tested. You know, in case our couch was fucking faulty or some shit. Field Testing, that's what I was doing. Yeah.

I settled in, deciding that yes, this couch passed the Field Test for User Comfort and Alice answered her phone.

"Hello?" she said, looking bored and sipping her coffee.

"Masen? Brother, you there?" She cried into the phone. A look of relief crossed her face, and I assumed that meant he had confirmed his presence. I decided that the couch should continue to be tested and stayed where I was. Truthfully, I was fucking curious about Edward "Masen" Cullen. I mean, he was Jasper's friend, Alice's brother/cousin and apparently a musician. He had to be interesting, right? I swung my legs up onto the couch so I was lying down, rolling onto my side to get comfortable. Alice spoke again. "When do you get back?" she asked, her voice laden with excitement. It was clear that she wanted whatshisface to approve of her and Jasper. That was sure to make the family reunion fun. Hey big brother, while you were out of town I fell hopelessly in love with one of your best friends! If Masen was anything like my boys back home, that would go over as well as a fart in church.

"You want to go out tonight? And you're going to bring your friends from school?" Alice peeped, her eyebrows disappearing into her bangs. Oh-ho, it looks like I not only get to meet the elder Cullen kid, but he gets to hear how his bestie loves his sister. Tonight was shaping up to be excellent. I started mentally going through my wardrobe, trying to decide on the appropriate attire to see my best friend and her boyfriend get chewed out by her brother and his best friend.

"No, that's fine, Masen. Yeah, sure. We'll see you then. Love you, too," she mumbled, hanging up the phone.

"Shitfuckgoddamnpieceofshitmotherfucker!" she said quietly but passionately to the countertop.

"Alice?" I asked, moving from my place on the couch to stand next to her. She sighed heavily, closing her eyes tight and pinching the bridge of her nose.

"That was my lovely brother," she said. "Apparently he has some sort of urgent news and wants to meet up tonight. And he wants to introduce me to someone." She mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like "bloody fucking hell" and dropped her head into her hands, resting her elbows on the countertop.

"It can't be that bad, right?" I asked, now feeling guilty for finding Alice's dilemma amusing. "I mean, he should be happy that you're both happy. Right?" I said hesitantly because Alice was looking at me with the "Oh you poor fool" look and I didn't like it. "Speak, woman. I can't fucking help if I don't know the sitch." She looked really worried, and that was starting to make me worried. Was her brother/cousin really a lunatic? Shit, was he an axe-murderer? Did they still use axes? Or were guns the more preferred…Focus, Swan! We're worried about why Alice is freaking, not what the preferred weapon of choice is for modern-day murderers. Jesus, woman, where is your head at?

My subconscious had a good point, so I listened to it. "Alice, should I dial 911? Or, wait…what's the UK version of 911? Shit, why don't I know that?" I looked at her, my eyes wide with panic. She looked back blankly for a second before she burst out laughing, tears streaming down her face. The lovely dolphin sounds you make when you can't breathe were coming out of her mouth.

"Oh, Jesus, Bella," she choked out, "Thank God I met you. I would have sat here and worked myself into a panic attack. And," she added, "999 is the British equivalent emergency number." She jumped off the barstool and went to get more coffee, leaving me to sit there and attempt to figure out what happened. Apparently my thoroughly jet-lagged brain just didn't care, and I went to sit on the couch.

"So what's the deal with tonight?" I called to Alice while I picked up a remote on the table. This looks promising… I hit the power button and the new stereo blinked to life. So far, so good. I hit the radio button, and all hell broke loose.

The most horrible sin against music assaulted my ear drums. Really, really horrible easy listening music blasted out of our giant speakers and I clapped my hands over them in protection. Sadly, I also dropped the remote, so then I had to scramble around looking for it. Alice was yelling from the coffee pot, "HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS SHUT IT OFF!!" I dropped to my knees, looking around wildly for that stupid fucking remote. I couldn't see it anywhere, which meant it had run under the couch and hidden, apparently having heard of Alice, Queen of Electronic Assassinations. I pried one hand away from my ear and thought it was going to spontaneously start bleeding. Gott im Himmel that shit was awful. I stuck my arm under the sofa and flailed around madly, managing to whack the stupid fucking remote across the room.

"GRAB IT!" I shrieked, watching the remote slide out from under the couch, across the wood floors and toward the kitchen. Alice scrambled over, but she was wearing socks, and when she ran from the kitchen to attempt an interception, she kept going, sliding straight at me, arms windmilling in an attempt to keep her balance. I braced myself for impact, knowing what was coming and powerless to stop it.

WHAM! She slammed into me and grabbed my arms for support, but I was wearing socks, too, and we had no purchase. There was much arm-flailing and excessive cursing but in the end gravity won out. We crashed to the floor in a tangle of limbs, looking like some demented game of Twister.

"Holy gracelessness, Batman!" I said, wondering if I would ever stop fighting my klutziness. I lay back on the floor, listening to Alice wheeze in laughter, and noticed that goddamn fucking remote two inches from my fingers. Because of how my girlie friend was stuck to me, I still couldn't reach it.

"Touché, motherfucker. Until next time," I said to it, not even caring if I had actually fucking lost it because I was talking to a remote. I untangled myself and managed to shut the stupid stereo off before flopping back on the couch. Jesus, I'm awake fifteen minutes and already I want to go back to sleep. Alice crawled over and flopped next to me, eyes closed and mouth hanging open. I was almost asleep again when there was a very loud, very insistent knock on our door.

I got up, mumbling something about rest and being wicked, walked down the hall and pulled open the door. A group of burly men in jumpsuits looked back at me, all holding bubble wrapped packages.

"Can I help you?" I asked curiously.

The man in front tore his eyes away from my chest long enough to answer. "Yeah, we're supposed to be deliverin' furniture, eh luv? This is the Cullen flat, yeah?" He checked the name against his clipboard before staring lasciviously at me. Eh. I was used to it. When you looked like I did, and was a chick, it seemed to be like an open invitation for all the creepy men to ogle you without threat. Or so they thought.

Behind him I heard one of the other guys whisper loudly, "Wouldya look at the bristols on 'er, mate? They're fuckin' pierced!"

I looked down and realized that I had come to the door in my pajamas which consisted of a slouchy purple shirt and boxers with sheep on them. Fuck me; the girls were at full attention and the rings I had in were clearly visible through the thin cotton. It looked like I was standing in the Arctic.

I looked up devilishly from under my lashes, "Did you want to see them, lads?" I batted my eyes and licked my lips slowly. Their jaws all simultaneously dropped and intelligence left their features. There was silence for a moment, and I looked around at all of them, a coy sadness gracing my features.

"No? Oh, well, that's too bad, I like showing off my Bristol cities to all the merchants who come by." I dropped the façade, all playfulness leaving my face, cold annoyance taking its place. "And I also like to make a study of rhyming slang. Get inside and put my furniture together, yeah, before I file for harassment." I stood back and opened the door, my jaw clenched and hands in fists at my side. I almost hit (and by hit I, of course, meant sucker punched) the man who'd started it all, especially since he had to have the last word.

"Fuckin' berk," he said softly as he walked by, carrying my chest of drawers. I grabbed him by the collar and pulled him back towards me, causing his friend to stumble forward. I turned him to face me, fisting my hand in his shirt. I pulled him close, staring into his eyes and speaking very softly and very precisely.

"Look, China," I said, finally remembering that China plate meant mate, "I'm not at all in the mood to be called a fucking cunt, alright? So get that butchers off your Chevy Chase and be happy I'm not pounding you into the ground, yeah?" I shoved him back towards the main part of the apartment, watching him until he and his buddy had turned the corner. Alice came strolling through the entryway with what must be her twelfth cup of coffee, looking inquisitively at the men hurrying past her.

"That man looked terrified. What the hell happened?"

"I had to give him lessons on messing with nice American girls. He thought if he kept his remarks in Cockney, I wouldn't understand. Little did he know, I was prepared for exactly that!" I laughed at the ridiculousness of what just happened. England was a weird place.

When the furniture was assembled and all the assholes had left we went over the game plan for the rest of the day. It mainly involved how to avoid Jasper's death. Apparently the ever-elusive Masen was crazy-protective of Alice; as in, he took that "older brother" thing way the fuck too far.

She had hardly dated in high school because Masen had let it be known that anyone who tried to make it with his baby sister should prepare for a very violent and very painful death. Or castration, depending on the time constraints of the situation and his mood at the time. Needless to say, when the captain of the water polo team (and those guys are not only immensely strong but also pretty hot-headed and irrational) told you to "keep your fuckin' distance, mate," you kept your fucking distance.

She was worried about Jasper. So was I, to be honest. This Masen kid sounded like a first-class prick. I know there's a certain responsibility that comes with being an older brother, but come on! Keeping your sister sheltered is not the answer. Protective and overbearing are synonyms, people. Jasper had called Alice earlier, telling her that Masen had called him as well and wanted him to help welcome his baby sister and "some bird she met on the plane," which I assumed meant me, and would he, Jasper, please call Emmett and would they both meet him, Edward/Masen/Fuckface (that last one was mine) at Monto Water Rats tonight at nine?

It was decided shortly after that I would get to run interference, since he didn't know what I looked like. I could distract him while Emmett and Rose got there as support, and possible distraction, before Alice would "see" Fuckface through the crowd. I would play the "oh what a surprise" card and fawn over him (there was some fuming on my part here, but I agreed, because who knew what I'd need Alice's help with in the future) to distract him while Alice dropped the bomb that she did, in fact, know Jasper already and they kind of had a date next weekend.

I was also going to be used as a sort of impromptu bodyguard in case he went fucknuts. Emmett was mainly in charge of that, but apparently Fuckface was a wily sonovabitch and known for his ability to escape any hold placed on him.

After our plan was finalized, we had lunch, lounged around and basically did nothing until about six, when Alice declared it was time to get ready.

"What the Jesus?" I sputtered, wondering why we needed to start now. "It's only six! I don't need three hours!"

"Bella," Alice said, gently but firmly, like I was a child refusing to eat my vegetables, "my brother needs to be dazzled. You are beautiful, but we need distracting as well. So come with me." She turned on her heel and walked towards my room. "The time has come," the Walrus said….we all know how that one turned out.

When I was sufficiently scrubbed and scoured and polished, I sat on my bed with strange unnamed products in my hair and a towel wrapped around me while Alice rifled through my clothes. She walked out of the closet, throwing clothes at me and holding my Docs.

"Wear this," she commanded, and walked out of the room.

I looked down at the outfit, amazed at what she deemed worthy. A short, extremely tight black jean skirt that had red stitching in the form of lightning bolts on the back pockets, a silver shirt and my boots. I'd make a statement, that's for sure.

I got dressed and sat through Alice's makeup application, keeping my mouth shut because I was afraid that if I said anything, she would kill me. Masen wasn't the only scary Cullen Kid. When she was finished, she stood back, smiling.

"Take a look!" she cried enthusiastically. I walked forward and looked in the mirror. Holy shit, I was…..well, to be perfectly honest, I looked fucking stunning. She had used silver to line my eyes, a sheer, shimmery white as shadow and lips the same red as the stitching on the skirt. I rummaged through my jewelry, grabbing all of my plain silver earrings and lip studs. I threaded the industrial through my ear, replaced the biggest studs with some delicate silver hoops and put my plain silver studs in my lip. I looked pretty fabulous.

"Alice, you are truly a miracle worker," I said, turning around and hugging her tightly. She grinned and hugged me back.

"I didn't do much at all," she said, "You're beautiful all by yourself."

We left at around 8:20 to get Jasper from his apartment and be on our way. Poor guy was sweating bullets. Alice held his hand all the way to the club, which was only a 25 minute ride on the tube from Hyde Park Corner to Kings Cross St Pancras. Emmett and Rose met us at the station, Emmett in dark wash jeans and a dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up and Rose in a dark purple dress and heels.

We walked silently down Argyle Street to Grays Inn Road. When we passed the park on Argyle, I noticed there was a man huddled into a tree. Well, I assumed it was a man; he had his back to me and his hood was pulled up, but that would've been a very tall woman with very broad shoulders. He reached into his pocket, fumbling at whatever he was trying to grab. He found whatever it was and pulled at in close to his chest. From where I was it looked like he was shaking violently. He popped something into his mouth and worked his finger around a bit before letting out a visibly huge sigh and slumping down to sit at the bottom of the tree.

I say again: England is a weird place.

I dismissed Tree Guy and kept walking, eager to get to the pub and execute our plan, which, in reality, had a lot of problems. Number one: Who's to say I'm even going to be remotely attractive to Fuckface? The whole plan hinged on that fact - if I couldn't distract him, we failed. Number two: What if he still wants to kill Jasper and both Em and I can't hold him? We would be responsible for Jazzy Jeff getting beat. That's bad. Shit. Maybe this is a really bad idea.

As I came to this conclusion, Rose stopped in front of me and I crashed into her back.

"Whoa, Eala! Steady there," Emmett said as he grabbed my arms to keep me from falling over. I righted myself and smiled at Emmett.

"Thanks, Em. Lucky you were there," I told him, grateful that he'd saved me from eating shit in my skirt. Rosalie had somehow managed to stay upright in her dress and four inch heels. Stupid clumsy gene, I can't even stay upright in boots…

I looked up and saw that we had arrived. The lower half of the building was was off white and aged, with white columns flanking the door and large picture windows, their wood frames dark and the trim blue."The Water Rats Theatre Bar" was written in a bold script in dark cobalt above the door. There were a few people milling about in front, and most of them seemed to be young like us. We huddled up to go over the game plan. I looked at my phone and saw that it was 8:58. Shit! Fuckface was going to be here soon.

"Right," Alice was saying, "everyone knows what they're doing then? The goal here, people, is little to no bloodshed. Masen is a protective guy and this is going to be…traumatic for him." She looked ill; she was more worried than she let on. Poor Alice, this is really doing a number on her. Masen wasn't going to fuck up Alice's relationship, I decided. That stupid man could just pick someone else to shelter.

We walked in and I took my place at the bar, while everyone but Alice went into the back room where they played music. I ordered a White Russian and set about to waiting, sipping the odd concoction I love so much and pantomiming a mock salute to the Dude. Alice was going to stay with me until Fuckface walked in the door so she could point him out to me. After that, I was running the show.

Jasper came up behind Alice and placed a hand on her waist, turning her to speak with him. I looked around, wondering where the fuck this guy was. I tapped Alice on the shoulder.

"Hey!" I yelled over the noise, "It's like nine now, so maybe Jazzy Jeff shouldn't be manhandling you." They both chuckled, and I wondered what the hell was so funny.

"Lady Bella, Edward is never, ever on time," Jasper explained. "It's just not physically possible for him."

Oh. Well, if that was the case… "Hey! I'm going to the bathroom. I'll be back in a sec!" I shouted over the din. They nodded and turned back to the bar, trying to get drinks for everyone. I shouldered my way through the crowd, pushing where I had to in my fight to get to the restroom. I finally managed to get there and shoved my way through the door.

EPOV

I walked into Water Rats and paused just inside the door, letting my eyes adjust to the smoky haze and the din of many people in a small space. It was warm, and I'm glad I stuck to my jeans and Optimus Prime t-shirt instead of changing like I had planned. I scanned the crowd, looking for Alice or Jasper or Emmett. There was no one I knew that I could see, only the usual crowd of blokes looking to score and birds trying to give it away. There was a flash of red and a glint of metal. I looked for the source, scouring the crowd for something that would—

Oh. Shit.

My world had collapsed and reformed, all around that glorious woman. She was standing at the bar, leaning down slightly to talk to someone before she walked away. The colors in her hair and the steel in her ears gave me all the confirmation I needed. It's her. The woman from the building across the street.

I started to walk over to her when I see Jasper, one of my best friends and college roommates, standing at the bar. Emmett is walking up behind him, a gorgeous blond at his side. They seemed to be talking to…Alice? My baby sister? I stood up, staring at her for a moment before I notice a hand resting on her hip. A hand much too large to be hers. A hand that belongs to a bloke.

Wait a fucking second, lads.

Some man has his hands on my sister.

I follow the arm and it leads to…Jasper? JASPER?

He knew she was coming, and he always did look at the pictures of us too long. Oh my God, he was trying to seduce my little sister.

No way. Not fucking happening.

My vision was awash in the crimson tide of anger and betrayal.

I barreled through the crowd, my vision blinking from red to normal as I breathe. I felt my elbows dig into ribs and shoulders, I heard the disgruntled murmurs from the people I hit, but I didn't fucking care. My little sister was here less than two whole days and already my best friend has his hands all over her? Not bloody likely.

I came up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder, none too fucking gently, either. He turned around, shock and horror dawning on his face. He was terrified.

I looked him dead in the eye and said coldly, "You should be afraid, mate, because Imma fuckin' kill ya."

I knew he believed me because my accent got thicker as I got more emotional. At this point I'm fucking ballistic and starting to sound like a character in a Guy Ritchie film.

I heard "Edward, wait, I can-" before my fist connected with his face. I don't remember cocking my arm back, nor do I remember making the decision to release, but it happens. I landed him an upper cut right under his chin and he dropped like a stone. I stood there, looking down at him, my mind detachedly registering the fact that he was unconscious.

"MASEN!! WHAT THE MOTHER FUCK?!?!" I heard Alice scream. Well, I assumed it was Alice since she's the only one who ever called me Masen. I turned towards her voice as I saw Emmett walk over, clearly pissed that I just K.O.'d Jasper. Alice was still screaming at me as Emmett strode forward and put a hand on her shoulder, drawing her into a very close hug.

E tu Brute?

He looked at me just in time for my fist to connect with his nose. I hear a sick crunch and realized I've maybe gone too far if I've broken his nose. I looked up from the bloody mess that is Emmett's face, only to see the blazing eyes of my mystery woman. I had just enough time to note that they're are the color of a good scotch, a rich, dark auburn with hints of gold in the light, before she hit me straight in the face with her left hand and finished me off with a killer right cross. I felt my knees give out and my body hit the floor. I looked up from my place on the ground, feeling my left eye starting to swell. The beautiful, furious woman in big Storm Trooper stompin' boots was standing over me. I had just enough time to note that Alice was standing close behind her with her hand on her arm before she spoke.

"Touch my friends again, motherfucker, and I don't care how pretty that face of yours is, I will end you."

Soooo, yeah….

Ok, now we gots some business to complete here. IMPORTANT: I will be doing teasers for reviews since I don't have like a blog or a thread anywhere and I'm not entirely sure how to go about that. So if you review, you'll get a sneak peak.

Also, I have made playlist for our band of miscreants and the links are on my profile. There are some songs on there that might offer some insight as to things to come, so I'd recommend checking them out.

I'm also on Twitter (who's not, these days?) and my name is alanaparrannnah if you want to follow me, I guess. You can ask questions or make suggestions or whatever you'd like.

Ummmm, I think that's it.

Sugar?