DON'T CROSS THE LION!

Inu Yasha and Kagome woke five hours later, for reasons of plot convenience.

'Guess monky boy chickened out, eh.' chuckled Inu Yasha.

'He wouldn't if you hadn't been so cruel to him.' reprimanded Kagome. 'You should be concerned. He could be pregnant, or worse! Once we've kicked the ass's ass we'll put a missing persons ad in the Quibbler. Well, lets get on with it.'

Fun fact: in fan fiction societies where males are capable of pregnancy there is no abortion controversy, but family planning is free for all. Oh, reader, I am so sad that I lost a chapter of this fic, A shipping moment where Kagome and Inu Yasha spit tobacco into a campfire while convincing each other that healthcare should be free and universal, guns should be banned pokies operators are the true monsters, that there is no such thing as illegal immigrants and that all folk music is terrible.

They got on with it. The duo ambulated from New Sodom park towards Boarbumps.

'Say, Kagome, I was talking to Timothy Archer at the Café while you were evaluating the local homes, and he posited that evil only exists in the world so good has something to look good in contrast to, and I put it too him that good only exists in the world so that evil has something to look worse than, and his eyes glazed over and he nodded.' Inu Yasha spake to Kagome. Inu Yasha really needed to get out of this town, in a month he'd appear on Thought of Day or something.

'Uh huh,' rhythmically bobbed Kagome's head. Why'd she hang out with these losers?

'So I reckon that if worse comes to worse, we can destroy the Ultimate Good, and the Ultimate Bad will disappear with it. And Belial is likely to be the ultimate bad, so…' Inu Yasha had become more thoughtful, but less capable of explaining things.

'Tell you what, I'll put it on the backburner.' patronised Kagome. 'Hey, remember that fic where we were Bolsheviks? That was a confusing part of my life.'

Sadly I lost the transcript of the rest of this conversation in a mysterious house fire lit by a pink laser, which is a pity because it was the best bit of the whole story. The manuscript resumes again when the two characters were enter Boarbumps.

'Hey Helena,' Inu Yasha greeted the teacher in school reception office. 'I stole these pants from Aladdin during a crossover written as a dare. True story, true as any story.'

'Sure,' agreed Helena Hufflepuff. 'What do you call that haircut?'

'Akira.' The half-demon responded reflexively. 'which is a better name than Boarbumps.'

Hufflepuff made a face and went off to correct some homework or complain about her wages or whatever teachers do when they aren't babysitting teenagers. 'You deserve to eaten by Vikings!' Occult education system focuses purely on the occult, which is why wizards never do their own taxes.

'Yo kids!' Naruku exploded into the room wearing nothing but a feather boa under his baboon suit. 'Today's lesson is… MORTALITY. Now to try a little something Belial made up… AVEDA KEDABRA!' The baboon-wearing weirdo made spirit fingers at the duo. Fortunately, he could not kill the two protagonists for continuity reasons. If Inu Yasha and Kagome died now, how could they meet Sango, be envious of Sesshomaru style, implicitly dislike that Fox Kid, and be creeped out by the Peach Man! The Peach Man! The Peach Man!

Green sparks leaped out of Naruku's fingers and into nowhere. 'Its.. Charging up.. Like Hyper Beam!'

'Huh, huh' mocked Kagome, partially out of relief. 'Looks like Baboon Buffalo Bill's Zoroastrian inspired spell has yet to evolve… into AVEDA ALAKAZAM!' Dammit, this New Sodom place was getting to her as well.

Inu Yasha threw staples at the depressed demon creep guy. 'Yeah, what she said, with swearing!'

'PSSSH' shouted Helena Hufflepuff, who had re-entered the room wearing the Cloak of Invisibility. She levitated a wand into the hand of Kagome. 'Say Imperius, and order him to do something. It won't ruin continuity, I swear.'

Kagome had an open mind. 'Imperius!' Naruku stood to attention as Kagome ordered him to sing Dance Magic Dance, you know that song from the Labyrinth. He complied with unwilling gusto, doing the voices and everything

'Strewth Magooth!' exclaimed Inu Yasha. 'And I thought demons were sick!'

'He'll do that for the rest of eternity if you don't set him free, I think.' said Hufflepuff. 'Though Godric is still doing troubleshooting.'

'Ace with grace!' said Kagome. 'Inu Yasha, go deal with the goat. I'll keep Buffalo Bill here occupied.'

Inu Yasha dashed out of the class room and into the schoolyard, screaming something in Aramaic.

'So, he seems nice lad.' commented Helena as she watched Naruku unwillingly pick his nose.

'I dunno,' dissented Kagome as she now made Naruku stare at the wall unblinking. 'He talks like a thirty year-old woman who doing an impersonation of an angry ten-year old boy..'

'All the best men do.'

'Say, have you ever been a Bolshevik?'