GOAT GOT GOTTEN!

Inu Yasha brooded his way into the school's yard, making direct eye contact with Belial in the process. Finally, months of planning where going to climax with their culmination.

'Open the cage.' said the goat.

'No!' shouted the half-demon.

Damn. 'Please?' pleaded the four-footed mammal.

'Not if you were made of Shikon jewels.' replied Inu Yasha. 'And those jewels were like really, really nice. And I have the key, so I can make sure the cage isn't opened. Ever!' he swallowed the keys to drive the point home in a Ferari of determination.

Aslan groaned. This greenhorn was doing it all wrong.

Inu Yasha bought matches and some old copies of the Quibbler out of Kagome's backpack. He rolled the sheets into little balls, set them next to the cage, and them set them on fire. 'I figured this'd smell nicer then you, Bel.' he mumbled.

'I'm not Bel.' complied Belial. 'Bel's a fertility goddess.'

'Then why are you so pretty?' joked Inu Yasha. The anthromorphic lion guessed that the greenhorn intended to suffocate the poor goat, pass the keys out, open the cage and do Aslan-knows-what with the body. Aslan almost admired the strategy, sadistic as it was.

'I used to eat entire worlds, you know.' reminisced Belial. 'Mankind's ancestors came from one of them. Called me a star-goat.'

'Yeh, whatever. I was virtually crucified on a tree for fifty years and you don't see me boasting on it.' came back the modest half-demon.

Geez, thought Aslan, that only shows that you're not doing it right. After all, its tough to be a god. He began straining, sending messages to his people here. Prayers in reverse.

Inu Yasha also had with him what Kagome called a radio. Inu Yasha called it the singing box. Carefully he retraced the pattern of button-pressing Kagome had taught him to get the box to sing about Friday, Friday, Friday. On repeat. Belial winced.

Coax the goat to sacrifice himself, thought Aslan. Why is that does that seem so familiar? Still, the boy was trying to trick him into screwing himself, which has always been the Bent Ones's M.O. Ironic really. Ahh, here comes my ride.

Inu Yasha and Belial gasped as a ball of pink light fell from the heavens onto the schoolyard, enveloping the lion they both had overlooked. (This place was futuristic, domesticated lions were as plausible as radio.) But Aslan was no tame lion. Nor was he naked.

The spiritual satellite Valis had transformed itself into a pink fighting mecha, because this is anime fanfiction. And the rider was Aslan, lion king of Narnia! Aslan laughingly piloted the robot, picking up Belial's cage like a toy, and smashing it on the ground as the eagle smashes the snail.

'Hur Hur Hur!' laughed the lion. 'Try and reason your way out of THIS one!'

'Bugger.' cried Belial as he was gradually smashed into jelly.

Inu Yasha saw that he was not quite needed, ducked back into the schoolhouse to bring Kagome and the coerced Naruku into the frame. 'Why are you hitting yourself?' Kagome snarled as she tortured her enemy.

'Stop that Kagome!' screeched Inu Yasha. 'Get him to hurt Belial!'

'Fine,' sighed Kagome. 'Naruku, hurt Belial.'

Naruku teeth chopped up and down horizontally as his amplified voice barked through them. 'No one will ever love you, Belial. No matter how stylish you are, how charming you get, what magic you learn, no one will genuinely want to be around you. You bully and threaten all those who serve you, and all those who serve you willingly have no other option. Face it Belial, you are history's loser. Like myself, to the power of infinity.' Having worked with Belial Naruku was something of an authority. Tears rolled down the creep's face, and similar water worked on the features of Belial, who wept the tears of the damned.

'Thanks guys,' bellowed Aslan over Valis' PA system. 'but old uncle Aslan's got it from here!' By now every bone in Belial's goaty body was smashed into liquid. Aslan also worked on Belial with Valis' pink laser. Any normal goat would be dead by now.

'Don't lase me bro!' cried Belial in agony.

Helena Hufflepuff had waltzed into the schoolyard in her invisibility cloak, and whispered into Inu Yasha's ear. 'Godric and Salazar ought to be back from the pub by now.'

'Thanks, Helena.' he thanked. 'Kagome, now get Naruku to attack Aslan!'

'Okay.' shrugged Kagome, who wasn't really paying attention. 'Naruku, you heard the man!'

Naruku had no longer faith in any magic Belial invented, so he ran up to the pink robot and started savagely tearing at its leg. Loosing his balance, Aslan tossed Belial's cage over the school house and swore in Enochian.

Two men flew in on a broomstick and landed in the schoolyard. one was tall and dark-haired and possibly Portugese, while the other was short, fat and blond. These were undoubtedly Godric and Salazer, who along with Lovegood (who we have lost interest in) and Hufflepuff had founded the magic school Boarbumps, though they didn't know it was called that now.

'Greetings Helena,' breathed Salazer. 'Whose piloting the fabulous Mech?'

'Some talking lion dude.' answered the teacher. 'Maybe Aslan.'

'Isn't he the Christian allergy fellow?' asked Godric. Godric had swag, which in later years was inherited by Gilderoy Lockhart.

'You know, I do believe he is.' agreed Salazer. 'And you know how I feel about religion in schools. Makemyvoicelouderus,' he enchanted, pointing his wand at his throat. His voice boomed throughout the school like thunder. 'We've really got to think up better names for these things. Aslan, get out of our school now, or we'll have the children dissect you in Herbology.'

'Oooh, look who got all hoity toity about property.' lambasted Aslan in a sarcastic tone. 'I'm the one who is dealing with your goat problem, buddy.' He continued lazering Belial and dodging Naruku's unwilling attacks.

'More like assaulting our new Defence Against Dark Arts Teacher!' complained Salazar, as Hufflepuff facepalmed next to him. So that's what the cage was doing in the schoolyard! 'Alright, no more mister nice mage. Takeyourclothesoffius!' He thrust his wand at Aslan, causing occult forces to remove the talking lion from the Valis mecha. This was the first time Salazer had used this spell in such a public arena, and he wasn't certain it would work. For its part, the satellite swum up to space again, muttering something about it being the bloody siege of Masada all over again.

Naruku continued attacking the demecha'ed lion, stomping him to the ground and crushing him under his massive girth. Aslan was an expression and product of human weakness, so this was not difficult. The injured beast looked up to see two grinning wizards.

'Hey, look, Godric.' smirked Salazer. 'it's a talking lion. Doesn't the Pigpimiples charter say we shouldn't suffer a talking lion to live?'

'I do believe you are right, Sal' smiled Godric. 'and doesn't it also say that the lion who wears sentient satellites as though they were clothes is an abomination, and that both should be put to death, their blood upon them.' he brought out his wand, and began blasting Aslan with fireballs while inquring about the buzz and what was a happening.

Aslan's hide burst into flames. Naruku, who was getting tired, plunged his claw into Aslan's tenderized chest and into the lion's heart. Aslan, the king of Narnia was dead and two wizards roasted marshmellows on his burning corpse. 'No Eurovision in Narnia next year, HAH!' screamed Godric.

Before the wizard's arrival Inu Yasha had rushed onto the ruins of the schoolhouse, and watched Belial slowly melt under Valis' pink lazer beam. As he had predicted, ultimate evil (I.e. Belial) cannot exist without ultimate good, and Aslan seemed to be the ultimate good. Inu Yasha expected the ultimate good to be more Japanese, but well… stories would be pointless without surprises. The half-demon was correct in assuming a confrontation with the ultimate evil would smoke out the ultimate good. He climbed down into the melted cage and retrieved the Shikon Shard. Everything had really gone to plan, even though he had no reason to believe the shard would be there.

He joined Kagome and the bickering occultists in the schoolyard. 'Yo del fol, wizards. Looka this.' He held the shining Shikon Jewel up to Kagome. 'Inu Yasha strikes home again.'

'Nice work, pal.' muttered Kagome. 'Not that this sort of thing happens every month or so or anything…'

'Hey mister!' Godric sauntered up to the half-demon. 'I gather you're responsible for this fracas?'

Inu Yasha shrugged. 'I guess you could say that, BUT FOR the fool that invited Belial here.'

Godric turned red with fury and Hufflepuff laughed at him. 'Come, Gozza, its not all bad.' she punched his shoulder. 'Hey, we'll make the lion the symbol of Gryffindor house.'

'He's not really dead you know… these freaks will always be allowed to pop up again for as long as tradition is esteemed above reality.' pointed out Salazar. 'Which means Belial will be back. We can recruit him them!' This cheered up Godric, who listened as his good friend asked. 'Hey Helena… where's Lovegood?'

'I dunno.' sighed Hufflepuff. 'Probably wandering the backstory of some obscure sci-fi novel muttering about board games that teach children to enjoy loosing. I say we recruit Rowena Ravenclaw, you know, the one all the dermatologists hate.'

During all of this, Kagome was forcing Naruku to breakdance while whistling Hava Nagila, on principle. See, I haven't forgotten about him. And neither I have forgot our old acquaintance.

Occultists, the half-demon and the schoolgirl fell to the ground as a huge portal opened in the heavens that spilled Miroku and an entire horde of reinforcements. The monk had a long black beard and was wearing a turtleshell.

'I'm back!' shrieked the monk. 'With re-' A sentient haystack brandished a club with a nail in it nine-feet long. '-in-' four ghosts ran from a yellow pie graph digesting cherries. '-Force-' A blonde woman wearing a green dress levitated a red knife not unlike Macbeth's floating hallucination. '-ments!' A pasty automaton with scissor for hands posed dramatically. 'Lets get this awwwhhHHN!' the monk thrust his pelvis energetically, riding a giant patchwork elephant.

'Yer late!' shouted Salazar. 'Your pal here killed Belial.'

'Damn. Alright guys, back to the portal.' Miroku's horde were reluctantly sucked back into their original works of fiction.

'That's our Miroku, when he's not a no-show he certainly is a side-show!' giggled Kagome as she focused her borrowed magic on Naruku, making him sing 'Party for everybody dance, come and dance.'

'Hey now… I turned a demon into an angel, and then I sucked him-' despite being commanded to do the chicken dance, Naruku chuckled as he finally comprehended the full impact of Miroku's genetic curse. '-into the black hole in my hand, that is!'

'MIROKU!' shouted a censorious Inu Yasha, before he, Kagome, all occultists present threw their head back burst out in genuine human laughter, that went like: 'HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA,AHHAHAHAHHH H H H CHABKAFKABKAKFKKSKBSKKAFKAKF AKFAKAFKAKAFKASHAHAHAHAHHFAH HAHFSJFSJOGOEHGDSOBJDSGOJWOE ldslgmdslmgleGJWOEHHOOHHOO! ! HHO! ! ! ! ! ! !HO ,?!' If you haven't heard genuine human laughter, well, I guess fan fiction is a good place to listen.

Kagome elaborated. 'If you make another innuendo like that again, the next fic you'll feature in will be a High School AU.' Then she had a brilliant idea. 'Miroku, how about you stick Naruku somewhere unpleasant?'

'I guess I can do that.' murmured Miroku memorably.

'Do you know Where The Wild Things Are?' Kagome continued.

'No…'

'Go to Where The Wild Things Are, and leave Naruku there. And for gods sake, put that groinsaw back wherever you got it from. That thing freaks me out. Naruku, bite your tongue!' she handed the wand to Miroku. The Imperius curse was in full affect, with blood dribbling over the fiend's chin like a raspberry waterfall. Captor and captured hovered up to the portal and crossed over.

A minute later the portal opened and vomited out Miroku, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a smoking a Cuban cigar. 'If any of you, in any of the ridiculous crossovers you're bound to feature in, wind up in a harem anime, pretend you don't know who I am!' Beat.

'But seriously now, we should all go out drinking!' screamed Godric. So all named characters, except Lovegood who was hanging out at Perelandra, and the occult children who were off being useless, went to their favourite café and downed several jugs of Sake. Oh, except for Miroku who was for some reason was driving a bull dozer over Ravenclaw's half-built mansion.

The last thing Inu Yasha remembered was Helena offering to put special flavouring into his wine, and humouring her. 'Its called, Forgottheeventsofthisfanfict ionandgetthehellbacktocanoni um, I think!' she said as she spiked his drink.

After the pill knocked out Inu Yasha, Helena heard an oinking sound from his bag. 'Oh, this?' she picked up the pig, and read a message written in Kagome's handwriting. She couldn't read what each individual word meant, but the gist was that when Belial returns, feed him the wub. The wub, after all, inspired the phrase 'you are what you eat.' In honour of this great plan, she swore to rename the school, again, Wubworts.