part two;

title: pain is inevitable while suffering is optional
summary: It's not impossible to feel again; a lost heart can always be found if there's someone to share it with.
pairing: Killua-centric, Gen

and i know you have an awfully big wound in your stomach, and i wish, dear brother, that i could be God and mend it.
but God, i trace your guts and wear them as a beauty mark.

.

05.

He's off for a while after that; he's taken twenty jobs in about a month and usually when he takes another, he starts getting grumpy and brutal, enough to buy the convenience store out of its chocolate products. The one time he did, he was mistaken for a robber and the policeman received a friendly punch in the nose, so Killua vows never to do that again, even if he does like chocolate, and even if someone does need a friendly punch in the wherever.

So he goes to the studio. The studio is a real, actual studio that his brother used to rent, but since he's been away, Killua rents it for him, not only because he has to, but he wants to. At first, it was only because he was beginning to forget what it felt like to be around his brother, beginning to forget what he felt like, beginning to forget all the traces he had left of him and vaguely, the smell of vanilla hanging off his entirety. But sooner or later, it became a place that Killua liked being in himself—a place where no one was looking at him, a place where fond memories sat and stayed for as long as Killua willed them to.

It's his reward, almost. It's because he's still pretty weak, because as far as assassins go, Killua's father doesn't need to take breaks, or ponder about the moral necessities of cold-blooded murder. Killua's mother is no different; she doesn't kill, but also didn't question. And Killua's brother—he is a different mystery altogether.

The studio smells of distinct comfort and feelings of nostalgia; the same as always. Killua unlocks the door and just sits on the floor for a couple of hours, spreading his arms out, relaxing and letting the respire wash over him gently. All of a sudden, Killua stops.

Something is different. It's small and slight; almost too slight to notice, but Killua knows that the difference is there.

A whiff of pine. Along with the oddly indifferent smell of fish. Killua's first thought is to crinkle his nose and to grimace, say 'that's disgusting', because there is pine, and there is fish, but never pine and fish—so really, it is disgusting. But this also means that someone has been in here. Been in the studio. The slight smell of pine and fish under the layer of vanilla that is his brother.

For a minute, Killua thinks about what this might mean. Someone has been in the studio; someone has been in here without his permission; someone has been here looking for something, touching his things. It is not the garbage man; despite his occupation, he is a nice man who smells like miso in the early mornings. And it is not the cleaning lady, who smells like cooked rice, old rice—just plain rice. But someone has been in here; someone has been in this studio, this place that no one but Killua and his brother have the right to access. It is a man, Killua can tell; his senses are sharp and acute enough to understand this. Maybe not a man, maybe a boy, maybe a teen. His senses whirl in a mix of emotions, making it impossible for him to detect what or exactly who it was that entered, but the gender is definitely male.

For a few moments, all he sees is red, as he processes this. He's angry, maybe furious, that there is this intrusion in the very innermost parts of him.

And beyond that—far, far beyond—Killua is afraid, afraid of what this stranger who smells like pine and fish wants with him, wants from him, and of the change he may inevitably bring. And Killua is afraid because he can't deal with change; he's never been taught how, and the stubborn parts of him don't want to start learning anytime soon.

.

06.

Gon tries his best to keep perfectly still, but he's never been good at it. It's still been hours without any sound from Subject 2149 and he's getting a little bit nervous and a little bit twitchy, too. He can almost smell the rage in the room; it's bold and strong and powerful and he knows that if he was to reveal himself now, Subject 2149 would snap his neck as easily as he would a twig. He's dealing with one of the best, he knows, and Gon doesn't know if he can deal with 2149 by himself. He might call for backup, even though backup from anyone else other than Kurapika is useless. (Leorio doesn't really do any work anyway, so he doesn't count, not really.) He remains crouched and motionless and waits for something to happen.

And of course, perhaps slipping onto this person's territory wasn't the best idea for a peaceful approach, but the door was beckoning and Gon's instincts had always been better at acting than his mind anyway. Leorio will laugh at him for this, Gon realizes, and rightfully so—Subject 2149 is very, very aware of there being a second presence in the room, and not for the first time, Gon curses his gut feeling for feeling too fast and sits, completely silent.

"Come out."

Gon nearly jumps out of his skin, his hands moving automatically to cover his mouth. He retains the presence of mind to stay still. He pulls his legs closer to his chest and watches the orb of his fishing rod swing back and forth in the dark, holding his breath the entire time.

"Come out," 2149 says, louder this time and sounding much more sure of himself than he had the first time.

He can't know, Gon skitters in his brain. He's just bluffing, so don't fall for it. They're always bluffing.

It's been five minutes, and 2149 finally moves from his position. Just a little bit, but enough for Gon to panic and realize that no, 2149 is not bluffing, and he knows that Gon is hiding somewhere in the room. Gon reassures himself with the fact that the room isn't even a very big room, so the odds of Gon not being found are still very, very—

There is another short, sharp move, and Gon bites his lip and widens his eyes because he's realized that now 2149 knows where he's hiding and he will drag him out and possibly kill him if he doesn't show himself first.

Gon takes about five seconds to process this and make a decision.

Then, he realizes, as Subject 2149's got a very, very sharp knife to his throat, that he was about two seconds and a half too late.

.

07.

Gon hasn't been in too many near-death experiences, but this one, he supposes, is probably the most dangerous one yet. Of course, having a knife, cold and sharp and very, very unpleasant, is always dangerous, but this time, the person holding it, is an animal, this time. Gon sees all of them as animals; wolves, bears, lions—and sees, also, in them, a kind of loneliness that they are waiting to be saved from. Many of them kill for monetary gain and pleasure.

This one, Gon can tell, still has a conscience.

Gon exhales all at once, frowns at himself for being so careless, and tries to brace for the knife that may or may not fall. He's been trained to tilt and play dead until it's clear.

Nothing happens.

Gon opens his mouth to say something, but before he can, a hand clamps down to prevent movement and another reaches down to pull his fishing rod out of the back of his pants. The knife is removed from his neck and Gon lets out a small sigh of relief before he's pushed back against the wall again.

The first thing he sees is the nozzle of the gun. Then he sees his eyes—eyes, dark and frightened and filled with soul. Gon makes a whimper and the gun moves closer to his face. His fishing rod is dangling in front of him, but there's nothing to notice, much, outside the gun.

"Why."

2149's voice is not icy cold like 6247's, or malicious-sounding, like 6540's. Instead, 2149's voice is deep and dark, with childish lilts in his voice, like a kind of innocence, hidden, trying to break free. It cuts, sharper than glass and sharper than ice would, into Gon's senses.

"I, um, don't know," Gon says honestly, because he really doesn't. "I was told to take you somewhere. If you wouldn't mind. I mean, uh, whether you mind or not."

"Or else?" The voice grows defensive, but Gon hears it clearly now, because Gon is, in a sense, an animal, too. Gon hears insecurity hinged with anger and laced with hurt.

He pauses. "Wait, I have it written down somewhere." He pulls a small piece of paper out of his pocket and reads the instructions aloud. "Negotiate peacefully," he reads. "Hold at gunpoint if he refuses." He stares at the nozzle in his face. "I think we're doing it wrong."

2149 blinks. "You were watching me," his voice quiet and unsure.

Gon scratches his head. "I, uh. I was."

"Why." The gun readjusts itself and Gon swallows nervously. In the end, he opts for honesty, like Mito-san has always told him.

"We want you."

This seems to strike something inside 2149. He looks up, into Gon's eyes, and stares hard. Gon wonders if there is something on his face, but he knows that maybe he is looking for fear, maybe hesitation or guilt. And he doesn't seem to find anything.

"You want me to kill for you," 2149 says this slowly, as though he understands, after a few moments of silence.

Gon frowns. "I don't think so," he replies, because he's sure they can kill whoever they want by themselves. Or not; Gon reconsiders this as he thinks about the fact that he could be shot in the head in any second.

"I'll come," 2149 says. He lets go of the gun and the fishing rod, both at once, and Gon catches them both before they fall. Gon crouches there for a minute, and then turns back to the instruction paper.

"Subject 2149. Killua Zoldyck," he reads. He looks back up at 2149, who has already begun walking away. He watches as he stops in his tracks and turns around with an expression that Gon never could have imagined on his face.

"You smell nasty," he says, after a while. Gon watches him walk away and doesn't realize he is beaming until his cheeks hurt.

This is when he realizes that Subject—Killua Zoldyck—is very, very special.

to be continued.

A/N: Second part! ...have I mentioned that I love Gon and Killua yet? Because I think uh, this should be known to whoever is reading because uh, in my mind they are my adorable little bros who eat too much chocolate and waste money on snacks. :'D But anyway yeah.