part four;
title: pain is inevitable while suffering is optional
summary: It's not impossible to feel again; a lost heart can always be found if there's someone to share it with.
pairing: Killua-centric, Gen
as soon as there is life, there is danger
~ralph waldo emerson
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11.
Kurapika doesn't take to Killua as quickly as Gon and Leorio do. "He kills," Kurapika says slowly, eyes narrowing and scrutinizing Killua with large, blue eyes. "He kills."
"He's not a 'he'," Gon reminds him, grinning. "He's Killua! Call him Killua!" Kurapika stares at Gon with a perplexed kind of shock, and Killua nods at him a little bit in acknowledgement. Kurapika fixes his gaze on Killua; Killua is scrawny and small and has white hair and black eyes and a person like this, Kurapika says to himself, is mysterious, possibly dangerous, Chairman Netero was just going to assign him to them just like that?
"I can't trust you," Kurapika tells Killua. Killua stares back at him, and for a minute Kurapika is drawn into his eyes; into black pearls of despair and of a nonexistent world, of bloodshed and death and loneliness. For a minute, Kurapika looks deep into Killua and finds nothing but a soul and an existence and realizes that he's nothing more than a child searching for a purpose.
"You don't have to trust me," Killua says, shuffling his feet, and his voice bring Kurapika back to his senses. "I just have to kill. You don't have to trust me."
Kurapika stares at Killua for a long time. "I don't trust you," he says quietly. Killua says nothing, but Kurapika continues. "But they do." He looks over to Gon and Leorio, who are arguing about something or other in the other direction. Killua follows his gaze.
"You don't have to trust me," Killua says again, but his tone of voice is forced this time, a hesitant trill in it.
And this time, Kurapika doesn't say anything. He looks back at Gon and Leorio and figures that if the two of them are already brave enough to trust this child, this assassin—this being, whose fingers are coated in death—then it was only a matter of time that Kurapika would learn to trust him anyway.
"You're leading," Kurapika says finally. Killua continues to stare at him, but his eyes are wide now, confused, almost.
"Leading?" he repeats, and cocks his head to the side.
This time, when Kurapika stares at Killua, it's as though the assassin he'd seen in him before had never existed.
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12.
On the day of the raid, Kurapika is the only one not grinning because Killua has absolutely no plan regarding the issue.
"We just go in and kill him," Killua says, flicking a bug from his sweater. "Because he's bad, right?"
"Very bad," Gon agrees, nodding.
Killua smiles smugly; he's learned to loosen up around Gon. Around all of them, really, but mostly Gon. "Then it's fine," he clarifies, "if Gon thinks he's bad. We'll walk in, kill him, and get out of there. Easy."
Kurapika almost goes purple and Leorio turns blue but neither of them have any chance to say anything because Killua's already dragging Gon out of the room to have him teach him how to fish for birds. Leorio sighs and goes back to his computer. This time, he isn't grinning, and Kurapika can tell that even he knows the seriousness of the situation. Kurapika is torn. Torn between throwing a tantrum or being a mature, reasonable adult.
"Let's just go, Kurapika," Leorio says quietly. "We'll figure it out later."
So Kurapika goes.
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13.
The raid goes, and it is, undoubtedly, a success by all of the standards in the book.
Everything entirely—except the moral sort.
Kurapika had brought along poison with him, the kind that brought upon and allowed for a nicer, less painful death. Needless to say, they hadn't needed it, in the end.
Gon could only stare at him as it happened—and it wasn't the look of desperation, the look of fear on the victim's face. It hadn't been the wild look in his eyes that caught Gon's attention; it had been Killua's.
And it was probably the same for all of them.
Killua probably never notices it himself, the look on his own face when he pulls his knife across the man's throat. But Gon sees a child; a helpless child doing nothing but following instructions. He sees confusion, and then pain. And even then it's too much for him to take in, so Gon looks away. In the bathroom, Kurapika has his trembling hands pressed tightly against the marble of the sink, eyes flashing blue from red. And Leorio—Leorio isn't even smiling anymore.
He doesn't notice their reactions until he's done with the man, leaves him bleeding on the floor and spread out, limbs still attached but in the most gruesome way possible. "What?" Killua asks, and he wipes his hands and drops his knife to the floor. It makes a loud but dull clattering sound on the surface of the wooden tiles, and the four of them stand in silence until it stops.
Killua yawns, stretches, and walks over to the man's desk to pluck his file from one of the drawers. Then he walks over, and hands it to Gon. Gon takes it without a word and watches Killua curiously. Killua is flicking blood off his fingers casually and grimacing at how much of it had gotten on his sleeves. He catches Gon staring at him a little bit later and smirks, tilting his head to the side and indicating to the door.
"Lunch?" he says mildly. Then a chuckle. "You're treating."
Gon opens and closes his mouth. But when nothing comes out, he really, really isn't very surprised.
to be continued.
A/N: ...um. oops? :D to be honest this still would have never been updated if Froggy hadn't nagged me about it again YES I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON DEAL WITH IT please :'D next part should be up soon, because... inspiration strikes. struck? strikes. ...yeah. :D also, sorry for the... still-very-short chapters :'D