title: pain is inevitable while suffering is optional
summary: It's not impossible to feel again; a lost heart can always be found if there's someone to share it with.
pairing: Killua-centric, Gen

"May the bridges I burn light the way."

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14.

"No," Kurapika says, shaking his head and biting his lip. "I refuse."

"Kurapika—"

"No."

"But—"

Kurapika whips around, eyes narrowed. Gon's mouth snaps shut when he sees that Kurapika's eyes are red. Kurapika is being serious. Killua watches the interaction between the two of them, munching on a chocolate bar he had found in Gon's pocket. He doesn't seem to notice the hostility in the air between them.

"He's a killer, Gon," Kurapika hisses. Everyone looks over at Killua, who is already licking his fingers. Leorio watches quietly with his arms crossed. Gon hasn't really noticed it before, but the creases on Leorio's face remind him just how tired they all are. Gon rubs at his own face absently.

"I'm not cold-blooded," Killua says, shrugging. "I just lost my heart."

"You can't lose something you've never had," Leorio says quietly.

"Leorio!" Gon is aghast.

Kurapika shakes his head, sighing. "I can't do this," he says finally. "Not with a murderer. I'm sorry, Gon."

"What, you can't kill?" Killua flexes his hands.

"Not if I don't have to," Kurapika whispers, shooting their chairman a disapproving glance as he walks out of the room. Leorio follows, a moment later. Gon frowns; why can't everyone just get along?

Chairman Netero sighs and shakes his head. "He'll give in," he promises Gon. Then he says to Killua, cocking his head to one side and stroking his beard thoughtfully. "They won't admit it now, the stubborn fool, but the two of them have taken a liking to you."

Killua doesn't say anything. Gon prods at him with his fishing pole.

"I'll teach you how to use it," he offers. Killua looks at him, eyes the fishing pole, and beams.

"Okay!"

Chairman Netero watches the two of them fondly. In the end, he thinks, closing his eyes—in the end, they are just children. In the end, Killua is still a boy. So perhaps Gon will be the one to find his heart for him.

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15.

Leorio finds Killua and Gon lounging on the sofa in their workroom. They look up when he steps closer, and Leorio sees Killua's eyes narrow.

"You don't trust me," Leorio realizes, frowning.

Killua shrugs.

"You don't," Leorio repeats. It's a question, but it doesn't sound like one. Gon's own eyes widen and his mouth opens but Killua's already raised an arm to stop him. Gon's mouth snaps shut.

"You don't," Killua says. "It doesn't matter either way for me, but you don't. That makes the job harder."

"So that's all it is?" Leorio bites out. "That's what this means to you? I thought we were... I thought we were—"

"Friends? Comrades?" Killua shrugs again. "We might have been. A few days ago, at least."

"Killua!" Gon bursts out, frowning. "You don't mean that! Don't say things you don't mean!"

"But what if he did, Gon?" Leorio whips around, challenging him. "We don't know anything about Killua. All we did was pick him up and collect him so he could kill!"

"He did it because we couldn't," Gon tries to reason.

"I do it because it's my job," Killua puts in. "If you can't trust me, then you can't expect me to expose my vulnerability. I didn't come here to be comrades with you guys. I came here to do what I was made to do. What I was born to do. If you guys don't want to cooperate, then I'll do it myself." He slides off the couch and stretches, yawning and sticking his hands in his pockets. He turns and makes to leave.

"Wait," Leorio calls.

Killua pauses.

"You don't do this for the money, do you?"

Killua blinks, surprised. "Money?"

"You heard me. Money."

Killua thinks about it. "I don't use money unless I need to. A balance is important, too, you know." He lets out a small sigh. "I don't get a lot of money for killing. But you know," he continued, putting a thoughtful hand under his chin, "we can't exist without one another."

It strikes Leorio then, that Killua might understand a whole lot more than anyone has ever given him credit for.

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16.

Gon finds that the memory of Killua killing fades out quickly when he's faced with Killua in real life. Killua likes chocolate (to an almost scary extent), he talks loudly when he's mocking Gon, and Gon thinks it's unnatural, and even more so when he thinks back to the first time they met. All of Gon's instincts tell him that Killua is dangerous and that he should be avoided—but it's Killua.

"Gon," Killua says, about a month after their first mission together. "Gon, you smell like a forest. And a little bit like cooking oil."

Gon smiles sadly, even though he's supposed to have gotten over it, and says, "That's my mom's smell. That's all that's left of her."

Killua looks at him for a long time, and Gon is surprised when Killua's fingers are warm and comforting against his shoulder.

"I know," Killua says softly. "I know."

to be continued.

A/N: Wow, how long has it been? Too long, I say. Sorry about that XD The muse just suddenly came back to me a few days ago, and so this happened XD Rather miraculous, if I do say so myself. Look forward to the next chapter! :D