title: pain is inevitable while suffering is optional
summary: It's not impossible to feel again; a lost heart can always be found if there's someone to share it with.
pairing: Killua-centric, Gen
"An increase in light gives an increase in darkness."
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17.
Killua knows that they think he's disgusting. It doesn't bother him much at first because well, to each their own—but gradually, he begins to understand that he doesn't understand, and it bothers him and he worries, because he likes Leorio and he likes Kurapika and he likes Chairman Netero (when he's not being so frustratingly cheeky). The one he likes most is still Gon though, and Killua doesn't want Gon to think that he's disgusting, even though he is. Fortunately, Gon doesn't look like he thinks that way; Gon looks at Killua like he's trying to understand him, and Killua doesn't know how, but he wants to let him.
A few months pass and several dead people later, Killua finally thinks he's got it figured out.
"We can't exist without one another," Killua repeats, clenching his wet, blood-stained fingers into a fist. Gon frowns and reaches a hand out to rest on his friend's shoulder.
"But you have a choice," Leorio points out quietly, voice still cold—but Gon can hear the hint of forgiveness that comes with it. "You have a choice, you know? You can stop if you want to."
"I can't," Killua insists, eyes wide and almost fearful. Leorio's own eyes widen, and he shuffles his foot back unconsciously. Killua notices this and lowers his head in what looks like shame. Gon bites his lip, watching the exchange anxiously.
"I can't," Killua says again. "I can't, I don't know, I—"
And he realizes that yes, he can stop, but he doesn't know why he won't.
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18.
Killua doesn't feel anything anymore when they die. Or maybe he hadn't ever really felt anything in the first place. But apparently he's supposed to, anyway; the words that they exchange during their argument overwhelms him, leaving him annoyed and confused and just a little bit scared, although he'd never admit to it.
"Gon, I know you mean well," Kurapika is saying in a calm voice. "But I cannot deal with this. Don't you see his face when he kills? He doesn't feel anything, Gon!"
Gon blinks. "Killua is special," he says. "And he's on his way to finding that out, anyway."
"I don't understand how you think this is normal."
Gon frowns. "I didn't say I thought it was normal," he says defensively. "I just don't think there's anything to be afraid of. Killua isn't dangerous."
"I think differently," Kurapika counters. His voice is soft but steely. "I want to like him, Gon. I really do. But I can't accept someone like that. I can't accept it."
Gon's eyes are wide now, almost desperate. "But don't you see?" His voice is louder now, and Killua thinks that this is the closest to emotional he's even seen him. "He doesn't know! And it's because he doesn't know and when he does, everything will be different!"
Kurapika's eyes flash red, but only for a moment. He walks briskly out of the room, fists clenched.
Gon appears next to Killua, patting his shoulder and grinning toothily at him.
"You'll find it!" he says, with a certainty no one but Gon has. He pokes Killua in the chest. "You'll find it," he repeats, more quietly. "In there, I mean."
Killua looks down at his own chest, and wonders not for the first time where his heart has gone.
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19.
Killua no longer counts the number of people he's killed, but Leorio does it for him.
"Seven," he whispers under his breath, looking at Killua's bent over form. It always takes a while for him to recover, whether it is to flick away a drop of blood, or to return to that same, naive mindset.
But Killua stays draped over for much longer than usual. Leorio, still wary, steps closer.
"Killua, you okay?"
Killua swallows thickly. It's a short pain; sharp and heavy, not quite like being stabbed, but it thumps furiously at his mind and shakes at his senses. Killua doesn't know what guilt feels like, even if he's heard Kurapika talk about it before. He's never felt something so keenly before, never felt anything cut through him so cleanly. Not even a knife.
He watches the man die anyway, without much thought. When he looks up, Leorio is standing next to him, a hand half outstretched. The older boy stares at him, trying more to understand than Killua's ever seen. But Killua doesn't see anything but disappointment, and it hurts for him so much that Killua begins to wonder if that's the pain from his heart trying so hard to feel again.
When they get back, Gon notices right away.
"You don't have to do it anymore if you don't want to," Gon says.
Killua looks up slowly. "If I don't kill anymore," he whispers, small and slow, like an infant trying to form its first words, "you won't need me anymore, will you?" The thought of it makes him panic, makes bitter thoughts run through his mind once more. He'll have to go back to being alone all over again. "None of you will need me anymore."
Gon thinks about this for a while and reaches over to place a firm hand on his shoulder.
"I think," he begins, biting his lip. "I think we couldn't be a unit without you, anymore."
Killua leans in, closes his eyes, and breathes.
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20.
Gon doesn't lie.
And it feels like Killua is one of them, now. Kurapika, still cautious and wary, lightens up enough to let Killua lead sometimes on their missions and learns to look away every time they have to kill. They form a bond this time, both a team and a bond, and they feel more like friends than comrades, even though they are both. It is less grudging, less forced. Both Killua and Gon together are good at easing nerves and Kurapika—he doesn't hold out long before he learns that Killua can be leaned on, too.
Leorio likes coming into work to find Gon snoozing on the couch after late-night pillow fighting with Killua (in which Killua accidentally tears up the pillows with his nails and lets the fluff fly everywhere) and Kurapika deadpanning at them both as Killua hangs over Gon's face with a pen, smiling evilly to himself.
But it's good, Leorio thinks to himself, chuckling. It's good and it's comfortable and it's them.
to be continued.
A/N: ...hi there again. :D