Impromptu drabble for black_dove100. You didn't actually request this, but I couldn't resist.

xxx

"Oi, what's wrong, Haramaki-bro? You look kinda down in the dumps."

Zoro lifts his head from where he's been resting it, face-down, on the dining hall table and fixes the cyborg with such a fiery glare that Franky is immediately sorry he asked and almost tempted to start patting at his own biceps to assure himself that the circuitry hasn't started to smolder beneath his protective endoskeleton.

"What's wrong? Where the hell do you want me to start? My musculature's completely shot to shit, none of my goddamn pants wanna button 'cause I'm getting fucking FAT and I've got fucking stretch marks. STRETCH MARKS. Our fucking idiot captain keeps telling me the fucking things look like RACING STRIPES, and because he couldn't keep his goddamn mouth shut for five fucking seconds, those bloody WOMEN keep offering to lend me their fucking girly skin-cream crap and the shitty cook doesn't know whether to piss himself laughing or throw a fit 'cause I told 'em I'd make Luffy eat the whole fucking jar before I'd use the damn stuff, only I'm half-tempted to take 'em up on their offer 'cause I ITCH like I rolled in a patch of freakin' poison." He emphasizes his point by scratching vigorously at one haramaki-bound, coat-swathed side, grinding his teeth together in a downright alarming fashion.

"Err, I, ah- I'm not sure I wanna know-"

"Well, too fucking bad, because YOU ASKED," the swordsman growls through clenched teeth, and the shipwright's sorely tempted to just turn and flee the room, but Brook's just strolled in behind him, and the skeleton's tall, bony frame is blocking the doorway to the deck outside. While there's always the door to the infirmary, which leads out the back of the dining hall, it'll mean passing within their angry nakama's reach, and Franky's not sure he wants to get within touching distance- not when Zoro looks as though he'd like to put Wado's blade clean through the next person to cross his path.

"I heard shouting- is everyone alright?" Brook asks curiously, either not noticing or innocently dismissing the large hand that's flailing at him to shut the hell up, right now, before- "Zoro-san? How are you feeling this afternoo-"

"MY FEET HURT," the green-haired pirate hisses, prompting the musician to take an involuntary step backwards. "And my back feels like the shitty eyebrow used that stupid Diablo Jumble-"

Franky bites the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing out loud, knowing that hearing the swordsman's mauled pronunciation of his special attack would send Sanji into a paroxysm of outrage.

"-on my spine, and my fucking BLADDER thinks it's in one of his-" Zoro jabs a forefinger in the shipwright's direction. "-fucking shop vises! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY TIMES I'VE BEEN TO THE GODDAMN BATHROOM IN THE LAST HOUR?"

"Zoro could just pee off the side of the ship like the rest of us, like he used to," Luffy offers from where he's appeared beside Brook, peering around the skeleton's midsection. "Then he wouldn't have to hold it so long and it wouldn't matter that he can't see where he's aiming."

"... YOU."

"Wha- uh oh," Luffy gulps, immediately dodging out of sight at the expression on his lover's face, which has just gone from righteous anger to pure insanity. "Wah, see you guys later, I think I hear Usopp calling me to come help him with something, later, bye!"

Franky dives for cover as Zoro springs up and charges after their escaping captain, cursing loudly and at length as he fumbles around his belly to draw the swords sheathed at his side, but Brook's caught off-guard and thrown clear off the balcony into the swinging tree's upper branches when the swordsman barrels directly into him.

Moments later, as Franky's picking himself up off the floor, Sanji bursts in, balancing a serving tray on one palm. "OI! Get out here and help me, you lazy bastard! Marimo chased Luffy up the rigging and Chopper's pitching a fit trying to keep him from climbing up after him and while I don't really give a flying fuck if the shitty swordsman really does chop off our captain's nuts like he's threatening, THOSE SHITTY BASTARDS ARE DISTURBING NAMI-SAN AND ROBIN-CHAN'S COCKTAIL HOUR."

Nobody said ANYTHING about having to deal with this shit when I signed on, the cyborg thinks - not for the first time and certainly not for the last - as he follows the fuming cook outside just in time to hear a high-pitched squeal of terror from the rubber man overhead and an angry shout from the ship's doctor as Zoro abandons his agitated pacing for another awkward attempt to scale the foremast with Kitetsu clamped between his teeth, still spitting threats and insults around the sword hilt in his mouth.

"Too bad he's over the whole morning sickness thing," Usopp mutters as he joins them on the lawn deck, watching as Robin sprouts several hands to anchor the irate swordsman's feet firmly to the ground, thereby earning herself a fresh torrent of verbal abuse that prompts Franky to yank the serving tray from Sanji's hands before the infuriated blond forgets himself and flings it at the back of their nakama's skull. "Otherwise he'd be too busy yarking over the bow to put up this much of a fight."

Dealing with a pregnant and highly-volatile Zoro who's apt to swing from sleepy respite to homicidal rage and back within the span of a few minutes, the shipwright finds himself musing, has been disturbingly similar to dealing with the Straw Hat's own rather fiesty navigator when she's on the rag. Unfortunately, while THAT normally leaves the majority of the male crewmembers skulking around the ship and doing their best to avoid Nami's path for only a few unbearable days, THIS is showing every sign of turning into a semiweekly or possibly even daily occurrence that Chopper's hesitantly admitted might last for MONTHS, possibly all the way up to delivery, because he doesn't have the slightest idea how to regulate the unpredictable and often severe hormonal surges accosting their expectant swordsman.

It's like Haramaki-bro's got friggin' PMS, Franky realizes abruptly while he's listening to the doctor's exasperated scolding, Zoro's unrepentant snarling and the captain's cautious overtures as he strives to convince his lover to let him escape with his masculinity intact. Only it's not that pre-menwhatsit syndrome like the girls say- it's like he's got... pregnant-maniac-swordsman syndrome or something.

"Oi, let go of my fuckin' ankles-!"

"Don't subject Robin-chan and Nami-san's sensitive ears to that shitty foul language, you Marimo bastard!"

... cheer up, man- just think, if the reindeer-gorilla's right, you only got four, maybe five more months of this to-

"Zoro~?"

"Shut up, Luffy- it's your fuckin' fault I can't see my own goddamn feet!"

Only four or five more months of-

"But Zoro-"

"Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP- YOU DID THIS TO ME, YOU BASTARD, SO GET DOWN HERE BEFORE I COME UP THERE AND-!"

"Don't you dare- ZORO, GET DOWN FROM THERE RIGHT NOW BEFORE YOU FALL, AND CALM DOWN, DAMNIT! TOO MUCH STRESS IS BAD FOR YOU AND THE BABY!"

"TELL THAT TO THE ASSHOLE WHO KNOCKED ME UP!"

"SHUT UP, SHITTY MARIMO, AND DO WHAT YOUR SHITTY DOCTOR SAYS!"

"BITE ME, DARTBOARD-BROW!"

"Zoro shouldn't fight with Sanji right now, 'cause it's not good for the-"

"SHUT UP, SENCHO!" "SHUT UP, LUFFY!"

Four or five more MONTHS of this.

"Yohoho- will someone kindly help me down? This tree branch appears to be rooted quite firmly in my chest cavity..."

"Oi. I'll be in my workshop if anybody needs me."