For et3rnalm3mories, who prompted me with "Can lightning strike twice?" and asked about Zoro's thoughts regarding safe sex following the events of Crossfire. I thought I knew where this drabble was going, but then it took an abrupt detour and surprised the hell out of me. Originally, it was supposed to apply to either the original or the alternate ending, but then Zoro decided he had something else he needed to tell Luffy, the original ending worked better (sorry, Ace) and it all went downhill from there. I need to write these poor bastards some fluffy goodness to make up for all the stress I keep putting them through, because this drabble's just... kind of horrible.
And if you want me to write you something else, et3rnalm3mories, I'll totally understand. This is sort of, uhm, yeah.
xxx
"Fucking hell, I fucking hate this! What the hell's wrong with me?"
Luffy gathers his feet under him and rises cautiously from the floor, moving very slowly and deliberately to avoid further spooking his swordsman, who's retreated not just to the other bed but to the complete opposite side of the room. "There's nothing wrong with Zoro. Chopper said-"
"I know what Chopper said!" Zoro growls, pushing away from the wall he's flattened himself against. "Supposedly my body's fine and everything's in working order, so whatever hang-ups I've got are all in my head. But I KNOW everything's okay now, and it's been MONTHS, so why the hell does my brain go on goddamn autopilot and skitz out whenever you try to touch me?"
In reality, everything's not okay and hasn't been since Impel Down and they both know it, but the captain's not about to argue the point that some wounds heal more slowly than others- not right now, with frustration and fear and anger so openly vying for attention on his lover's face.
"That's not true. I can touch Zoro just fine." He settles carefully onto the mattress, sitting cross-legged with his hands resting on his knees where they're immediately visible, and he can literally see tension draining from Zoro as the older man's shoulders relax and the stiffness leaves his spine.
"Sure, maybe you can hug me and kiss me and stuff without me freaking out-" Which is an accomplishment in itself, considering the severity of the first mate's emotional damage.
We can sleep next to each other now, and he doesn't flinch anymore when I want to cuddle, Luffy tells himself with some degree of pride. -as long as I let him know I'm there before I-
"-but you can't fuck me and I can't stay hard long enough to fuck you and I'm getting sick of nothing but sitting around jerking ourselves and each other off. Hell, you can't even give me a freaking blowjob without getting thrown across the goddamn room or punched in the eye!"
"Zoro didn't punch me," Luffy protests, flushing, painfully aware of the older pirate's eye studying the yellowing bruise shadowing his left temple and cheekbone. He doesn't take it personally when Zoro panics and inadvertently strikes him during their mostly-disastrous attempts at sex, and the rest of the crew - including Chopper - have learned to keep their mouths shut whenever their captain shows up sporting fresh injuries, but he knows the swordsman's extremely upset by his own violent and unwanted reactions to his lover's touch.
"Fine- kicked, not that it makes a difference. Fact is, it's been nearly half a frickin' year and you still can't fuck me and you can't tell me you're not getting fed up with nothing but mutual handjobs all the-"
"But I don't want to-" He makes a face, the next word coming awkwardly because while he doesn't particularly mind the stronger language that his crewmate frequently uses, he feels incredibly weird hearing the same things coming out of his own mouth. "I don't want to FUCK Zoro. I wanna make love to Zoro, and-"
"Fuck, make love, whatever- it's the same thi-"
"No, it's not!" His first mate flinches back again at his raised voice, and he immediately lowers it, mentally berating himself for snapping even though Zoro's just being stupid now. "It's not the same thing at all. I wanna make love to Zoro 'cause I love him and want him to feel good."
"Well, we've been trying that and it's obviously not working too well. You talked Nami and Robin into letting us borrow their room tonight 'cause you thought having a real bed might help, but that's not working either. M-Maybe you should just-" The other pirate looks away, unable to meet his eyes as he quietly makes a suggestion that nearly makes Luffy's heart stop cold in his chest.
Zoro, oh god, Zoro, how you even think I'd want to-
"Even if you couldn't actually compel me, it'd be enough to knock me pretty loopy and-" The swordsman swallows forcefully. "-I know you're strong enough to hold me down if I start coming out of it and try to fight back."
"No." Luffy says simply, refusing to dignify the idea by elaborating on why his lover's request has to be one of the most horrible things he's ever heard, and his strong rejection of it is immediately validated by the look of pure relief that surfaces briefly on Zoro's face.
"I just thought that maybe..."
"No. I love Zoro, and I wouldn't- I COULDN'T- not even if he asked me- even if he WANTED me to do that."
"... okay."
He knows from his nakama's expression that Zoro will never mention it again, and he's glad, because the idea of using Haki on his swordsman or even merely coiling stretchy limbs around him and pinning him to the wall or the floor or to Nami's bed and subduing his struggles for a few mere minutes of pleasure makes him feel nauseous inside- and incredibly filthy, as though just the thought alone makes him want to run to the bathhouse and scrub himself all over. Even if it's with Zoro's permission - which, he tells himself, is dubious at best - it reminds Luffy too strongly of rape, and he doesn't see much of a difference between quasi-consensual sex perpetrated by the misuse of his abilities and the outright non-consensual acts performed by Impel Down's Chief Guard.
The pain and distress and longing visible in Zoro's gaze when he lifts his head to meet his captain's eyes cuts the rubber man to the bone, and when he raises both arms, holding them out, his throat and chest feel so tight that he can barely speak. "Come here."
His swordsman doesn't argue, just comes straight to him and slides into his embrace, and that hurts a little too, because he hates seeing the normally obstinate and reluctantly-affectionate older man so quick to please, as though he's a little afraid that Luffy might just tire of his wavering commitment and give him up as a lost cause if he doesn't follow orders.
"I love Zoro," he murmurs again, leaning his cheek against the green-haired head resting on his collarbone, one hand aimlessly caressing his lover's bare back as he eases down until he's lying flat with Zoro draped over him. "And yeah, I'd really like to have sex with Zoro again, but I'm okay waiting as long as it takes, 'cause I want him to want it too."
There's a faint snort of amusement and frustration as his first mate settles against him, curling both arms around his torso. "And that's the thing that sucks- I do want it. Sometimes I want it so bad my goddamn balls ache, but then I guess I start thinking about it too much and..."
"Does Zoro-" He hesitates, unsure of whether or not he should ask.
"Hmm?"
"... is Zoro worried he might-" He's probably going to regret this, but after that month of pure hell on Water Seven when he- when Zoro- when the crew- almost lost everything, he learned that keeping thoughts like these to himself is far more dangerous than actually speaking them. "Is Zoro worried he might get pregnant again...?"
Silence, and his lover goes so still beneath his hand that, for just a moment, Luffy's afraid he's stopped breathing.
"I don't think-" Zoro finally replies, face hidden from sight against his chest. "I don't think that's going to happen again, but we never did figure out how I- and sometimes I wonder if-"
Closing his eyes and tucking his nose into his swordsman's hair, the captain continues stroking his back.
"I don't know, Sencho. I don't think I could go through... all that, all over again. I think it'd- I think it might drive me crazy." He exhales shakily, his breath warm on Luffy's skin. "And- and I keep having these dreams where-"
The younger pirate pauses, heart thumping painfully in his chest, and then resumes petting and rubbing soothingly and trying not to worry about the tension increasing again beneath his hand. He can't help feeling a flicker of concern, because he'd been so sure that his lover let go of the nightmares months ago, when they'd finally had a long and painful but incredibly cathartic talk about why he kept waking up consumed with terror and trying to kick Luffy off the sofa, and if Zoro's been holding something back all this time...
"You already know about the other stuff, but- this one's new, and it- it only started after we started having- well, TRYING to have sex again, and it-"
Luffy brushes lips against his first mate's temple, kneading gently and reassuringly at his shoulders, and the older pirate takes a deep breath.
"I already told you I dream about killing her - the bitch - and that usually doesn't bother me- except for the part about using Asura, because I still don't know for sure and I probably never will, but I'm still pretty sure it's my fault that- I should've known better than to- if I hadn't done it, then maybe Ace-"
"Shhh- Zoro was telling me about Sadi." He's learned that it's best to redirect Zoro's attention when he gets fixated on HOW he killed the Chief Guard, because explaining that he's not responsible for the baby's death because he couldn't possibly have known what might have happened if he'd done things differently leads to nothing more than arguing in circles and his swordsman eventually lapsing into sullen silence and self-blame.
"Right. Well, I've been having that dream where I kill her, only after I do it, I look over the table and she's-" His voice drops so low that Luffy's forced to strain to make out what he's saying. "... she's pregnant, and even though it doesn't make any sense because there wasn't enough time and there's no way I could know, I do know- that it was mine and I killed them both."
The captain's fingers falter in their careful massaging motion.
"Sh-She didn't- didn't use anything when she- I tried not to pay attention when she- but I would've felt it if she used something, right? But I'm pretty sure she didn't, and I didn't think about it then because I just wanted her to go away, but- what if she was- when I-"
"..."
"She had to have been on those pills or something, right?" Zoro pleads, sounding so uncharacteristically lost and confused and desperate for reassurance that the rubber man feels a cold knot of horror twisting inside his stomach, because he wants to tell the older man he must be right, but of course he doesn't know either, and he doesn't want to lie. "The ones we heard Chopper and Nami talking about that time and then Nami got pissed and tried to throw you overboard and raised my interest like four-hundred-percent- she had to have been taking those, right, Sencho? So I couldn't have- and she wasn't- and I didn't-!"
His face is still hidden against Luffy's chest, and the captain's glad, because he knows his own face is contorted with pure hatred for the woman who put his swordsman through sheer hell with her love of torture and sexual assault and mind games- the goddamn mind games that haven't stopped even though she's dead and nothing more than a body rotting in the ruins of the World Government's desecrated prison, and even though he's not one for killing his enemies, preferring to beat them unconscious, he wishes Sadi was still alive so he could kill her himself- because if things weren't bad enough already, now his first mate is half-convinced that he killed not just one but potentially two children.