A sense of tact. Few or possibly none of the male Straw Hats have it. Especially Zoro.
Another alternate alternate drabble for Nire-chan with several firm nods of appreciation to et3rnalm3mories for stating the obvious, which I somehow completely missed, and draches for one particular obscenely cute doodle on the page of sketches she gave me for my b-day. I don't think this was quite what she intended, seeing as how it was based on the "normal" alternate ending, but I took the idea and ran with it. XD
Fast forward like nineteen weeks from One Plus One.
Hahaha, I totally need to stop writing alt alt before it gets as bad as the other two versions.
xxx
"Damn it, old man- can't you just pick up a fuckin' Den-Den Mushi and CALL like everybody else? How the hell'd you find us anyway?"
"I've got my resources," the former Vice Admiral states slyly as he drops into the empty lawn chair beside Zoro's. "And a Den-Den call's so impersonal. I'd much rather visit you and my grandson and my great grandchildren in person, Roronoa-san."
"I told you not to-" The swordsman breaks off, brow wrinkling as Garp pulls something brown and fuzzy from the bag he's brought with him and tucks the empty packaging under one foot before it can be blown across the desk by a sudden gust of wind. "... what the heck is that?"
"For the baby. Luffy told me you've been considered full term since the beginning of last week and your doctor's just waiting for that Trafalgar fellow to come back."
The Straw Hat's first mate carefully wriggles upright in his seat, reaching out to take the proffered wad of fabric and baring his teeth with a low rumble of warning when a hand lingers by his distended belly, obviously itching to touch it. He relaxes when the older man backs off again, looking somewhat disappointed. "Yeah, Chopper and Law said we're good to go, and I wanna get this over with yesterday. Kid gets any bigger, I'm gonna pop like a goddamn balloo- what the-?"
He's been unfolding the fuzzy thing while he's talking, and now he stares at it dourly, holding it pinched between the thumb and forefinger of either hand as though he's handling a dead rat.
"It's a onesie."
"... I can see that. It's also fucking retarded." Zoro scowls at the garment dangling over his nonexistent lap. "There's no way I'm-"
"Oi, Zoro-aniki!" Two voices chime in unison, and the swordsman immediately tries to stuff the offending gift behind his back, but his old nakama are already hovering on either side of him and plucking it from his grasp before he can move.
"Yosaku- Yosaku, look at the nose and the little ears!"
"Haha, that's so cute- does it have-? Look, Johnny, look- it's got a tail on the butt!"
"I hate you," Zoro grumbles at the beaming white-haired man beside him. "Why the hell would I wanna dress my kid like a goddamn bear?"
"I tried to find a puppy, but it seems that bears are more popular," Garp explains apologetically, his grin stretching wider as the two bounty hunters pat his back and shoulders enthusiastically and commend him for being such a thoughtful and considerate great grandpa.
"..."
"Zoro! Zoro, Grandpa's looking for- oh, he already found Zoro."
"Yeah, he found me alright, but now he's leaving, and he's taking this THING-" The first mate snatches the piece of baby clothing from Johnny and throws it at Garp's head. "-with him!"
Luffy flings out an arm to snag the fluttering garment and reels it in with an audible snap. He holds the onesie up, head tilting quizzically. "Hmm, it's-"
"Retarded."
"Nah, it's cute! I wish we had one of these for Ace when he was a baby. Heh heh, look, Zoro, it's even got a tail!"
"Shit," Zoro groans, slumping back in his chair. "I'm fuckin' outnumbered. Do you guys seriously think-?"
He's interrupted by a squeal of excitement as Ace, who's just emerged from the aquarium bar where he's been listening to Usopp ramble on about the elaborate deep-sea adventure involved with procuring the tank's most recent addition, charges haphazardly across the deck and flings himself into Garp's arms, nearly bowling the older man over.
"Grandpa, Grandpa! Did you see how big Daddy's tummy is now? It's like this big-" The six-year-old stretches his hands apart considerably wider than the actual span of his father's belly, drawing snorts of laughter from the adults. "He looks GIGANTIC and he waddles like a duck when he walks and he has to pee all the time, and it's 'cause the baby's all curled up in there! Chopper says he's upside-down in there too and I dunno how he isn't dizzy, 'cause I get really dizzy when I try to stand on my head and he's like that ALL THE TIME."
"Oi, Ace-" Luffy chimes in when his son's finally run out of steam, joining them under the sun umbrella and squeezing his rear onto the edge of his first mate's lawn chair. "Look what Grandpa brought for your little brother!"
"... that's weird."
"It's cute!" Johnny protests, stealing the onesie back from the rubber man so he and Yosaku can continue oo-ing and ah-ing over it.
"Yeah!"
"Weird." Ace states again firmly, wiggling out of his great grandfather's grasp and moving to Zoro's unoccupied side.
"Jeez, at least you agree with me," the swordsman mutters, and then gives his offspring a rueful smile. "Sorry, kiddo- I'd let you sit on my lap, but there ain't a whole hell of a lot of it left right now."
"Nah, 's'okay-" The little boy leans forward and rests his head against the bulge, wrapping both arms around it and accidentally dragging the coat open a little further as he cuddles up against his parent's side, producing pitched noises of endearment from the bounty hunters and Garp and an enormously sappy grin from Luffy. "Daddy makes a good pillow."
"I just got off the line with Law." Luffy slips a hand inside the gaping coat flaps to rub gently at his lover's bare belly, earning a hum of approval as the older pirate - who's long since been forced to temporarily give up wearing his haramaki or risk stretching it completely out of shape - stretches lazily and regards him with a half-closed eye. "He said he's probably gonna get here tomorrow or the day after."
"Good," Zoro mumbles, opening his eye a little wider to peer down at Ace. "Oi, leave that alone."
"But it looks funny!"
"I know it does, but like I keep telling you, it's my belly button, not something for you to play with, you little brat."
"But Daddy plays with it all the time!"
"Yeah, and "Daddy's" gonna get his damn fingers broken one of these days." He glares at Luffy, who's grinning sheepishly.
"Can't help it- Zoro looks cute with an outie."
There's titters of laughter from Johnny and Yosaku, who abruptly cover their mouths with their hands when the swordsman aims a dark glower in their direction. Garp's snickering, however, continues undeterred.
xxx
"Y'know, it's really fucking embarrassing getting picked up and hauled around like a goddamn sack of potatoes in front of your grandfather and those morons," Zoro grumbles once Luffy's taken him below-decks and carefully deposited him on the bed in their quarters, leaving their son behind to entertain their visitors- and likely talk their ears off in the process. "I can still WALK, Sencho, even if I'm kinda slow. And waddle like a friggin' duck."
"Yeah, but Zoro can't get down the ladder by himself anymore and he looks really, really tired." The captain murmurs, stretching out beside his first mate with his head and one hand pillowed on older pirate's abdomen after he's insistently tugged his coat loose. "Mmm, Zoro feels really warm too. I hope he's not getting sick."
His swordsman reaches down to run fingers through his hair, and they both snort in amusement when his belly twitches suddenly as Luffy's kicked rather forcefully in the ear. "Ha, gotcha pretty good, didn't he? Nah, I'm okay other than feeling like I swallowed a damn watermelon and all fat and bloated and shit. Pretty sure it's the baby- swear the kid's throwing off enough heat to boil my guts."
"We could get out the wading pool- maybe Zoro could-"
"Pfft, no way in hell am I gonna sit around on deck in nothing but a pair of swimming trunks, looking like a big beached whale."
"Zoro doesn't-"
"Bullshit- c'mon, Luffy, look- I even got a blow hole, even if it's kinda inside out."
"Zoro does NOT look like a whale," the younger pirate insists firmly, scooting down a bit so he can kiss his lover's protruding navel. "He LOOKS like he's gonna have our baby, and Chopper says he's so big 'cause he's going longer than he did last time."
There's a heartbeat or two of silence as they stare at each other, silently reflecting on exactly why their last child arrived ahead of schedule, and then Zoro makes an exasperated sound as he shakes off his discomfort.
"By a whole three weeks! I dunno how the heck he's grown this much in just a few weeks."
"Beats me, but Sabo's definitely gonna be bigger than Ace was when he was born. ... Zoro's still okay with the name, right? If he'd rather pick something else-"
"Nah, it's okay. It's a lot better than naming him after a meito- but thanks for asking anyway. Sabo's just fine, and besides, I didn't have any suggestions for boys' names." He chuckles. "Heh, I'm pretty sure Nami's still a little disappointed we didn't get a girl this time either, after she got so excited about maybe getting another chance to dress one up and do all that other girly junk... I think she had her fingers crossed right up 'til Law and Chopper pointed out his balls on the ultrasound screen."
Which had been a rather interesting event in itself, what with the entire core crew crammed into the Heart Pirate's medical bay, Johnny and Yosaku bouncing excitedly in the doorway and high-fiving each other at the news and Garp complaining loudly every time someone accidentally jostled the screen from which he was viewing the proceedings via Den-Den video conference. The ex-Marine had, thankfully, been banned from actually attending the appointment by both Law and Chopper, who'd taken one look at Zoro's blood pressure readings and politely suggested that Luffy's grandfather stay the hell home.
Even without Garp's physical presence, it'd been decidedly odd and somewhat disconcerting being half-naked and already starting to get kind of bulgy, lying on a table with a bored-looking Den-Den perched on his belly, with his beaming captain and an alternately curious and disgusted Ace clinging to either arm and all three of them surrounded by chattering nakama, but even the damn swirly-brow cook had been too tongue-tied at the image on the monitor to make more than a few weak jokes.
No unfamiliar doctors - Zoro doesn't trust the Heart captain, but at least he knows where the man stands - no need for a hasty retreat and, most importantly, no unpleasant discoveries. The two physicians had easily located the placenta, firmly anchored in the abdominal wall, and everyone in the room had visibly relaxed when Law calmly announced that it wasn't going anywhere without somebody actually going in and yanking it loose and told the swordsman to stay away from suspicious persons wielding knives.
Sanji'd promptly stomped on the surgeon's foot and tried to grind it through the floor, much to the straight-faced man's entertainment, but Zoro hadn't much cared about the off-color remark, too relieved that everything was going well- and also that he wasn't about to find himself put on strict bed-rest for the duration of the remaining months. No alcohol, no fighting, no weight training and no hot tub time have been necessary evils that he doesn't like but is willing to live with - at least temporarily - but being stuck in the same damn room, staring at the same four walls, would've been quite another thing entirely.
So, all in all, it'd gone a hell of a lot better than the LAST mid-pregnancy scan.
"Mmm, what about Zoro?" Luffy asks, his voice somewhat muffled by the fact that he's now rubbing his face against the older pirate's belly. "Does Zoro WANT a girl? 'Cause we could always-"
"One thing at a time, you idiot! Besides, knowing my luck, we'd just get another boy anyway, and I'm NOT gonna keep popping out babies 'til we get a matched set or something. You want more, YOU have 'em." He aims a lazy swat at his snickering captain. "And quit nuzzling me like that- if you think I want anything to do with sex right now, you're fucking out of your mind."
"Shishishi..."
"You and your goddamn pregnancy fetish." He's flushing and can't help it and knows it and hates it, but Luffy's never been shy about sharing what perks his interest, and bizarre as it is, his captain's apparently got a thing for his expanded midsection. "... that's so goddamn weird."
"Is not. I just like having more of Zoro to touch." The rubber man grins, peering up at him. "He lets me cuddle more when he's like this... and I know he's not right now, but-"
The grin spreads into an absolute leer. "Zoro's been really, REALLY horny ever since-"
"Shut up!" The swordsman can feel his face burning, and he knows he's probably beet red now, but he can't exactly argue. Not after weeks, no, months of sometimes deliberately and sometimes spontaneously jumping his lover in just about every location on the ship, including one rather memorable and rather RECENT time on deck that ended with Luffy scooping him up, bulging belly and all, and pinning his back to the main mast and doing an excellent job of trying to plough him through it. He still has no idea who was on watch that night or if they saw anything - no one's mentioned it in passing, at least - but there's no way people didn't HEAR him, not with the racket he was making, and just thinking about it makes him-
"Nee hee."
"Get your frickin' hand out of my pants!"
"If Chopper and Law wouldn't kick my ass, I'd get more than that out of Zoro's pants..."
"Law's liable to have Bepo tie you to the sub and take the whole thing underwater if he shows up and can't do the damn operation 'cause my blood pressure went through the roof." He's not sure he's got that right, because he usually just gets really sleepy after sex and that sure doesn't seem like it'd be related to elevated blood pressure levels, but Chopper's been tracking that on a regular basis and he's yelled at them both a few times to quit screwing like rabbits so close to Zoro's due date, so the two must be related somehow. Or so he supposes. He's not about to go ask- the Straw Hats' doctor already knows a hell of a lot more about his sex life than he'd like.
"Nah, Bepo knows I'd kick his butt."
The older pirate snorts. "You sound like Ace. Or maybe I should say Ace sounds like you."
He nudges his captain's shoulder with his knee. "Oi, Luffy..."
"Mmm?"
"I know you like- well, okay, maybe like's not the right word. I know you get along okay with Law, and the guy's helped us out with a lot of shit, but-"
"Zoro doesn't trust him. I know." Luffy glances up from where he's stroking the swordsman's side. "Don't worry about it- I got it covered."
"I just- he wanted One Piece, right? Only you got it, and it's kinda weird that he's still hanging around, this much later. Sometimes I wonder if- he just smiles too goddamn much, even if you tell him something you know he doesn't wanna hear. He seems like a pretty good guy most of the time, but... maybe we shouldn't be so quick to welcome him back. I'm not just saying this 'cause of the kids, you know. I'm saying it as your first mate too."
The Pirate King's expression doesn't change from its current cast of slight bemusement, but something flashes in his eyes that sends a chill up Zoro's spine.
"Law's right where I can keep an eye on him. I won't let anything happen to my family, or my crew."
He says it casually enough, but there's an edge in his voice that implies exactly how far he's willing to go to protect what he holds dear, and the swordsman hasn't forgotten that - despite his general humane- or at least non-lethal methods of dealing with enemies and adversaries - the younger pirate killed one of the men responsible for his capture and subsequent imprisonment several years before.
He knows Luffy dreams about it sometimes- that final battle on Raftel where they unexpectedly found themselves struggling yet again to protect their son, now four but still relatively helpless and highly confused by his parents' and the crew's panic at the sight of Marine vessels surrounding the Sunny. He knows that the rubber man sometimes also dreams that Usopp wasn't quite fast enough and didn't summon a tough-skinned plant pod quickly enough for Robin to bundle Ace into her arms and duck inside before Akainu hit the entire surrounding area with a heavy bombardment of brimstone and sulfur.
They've both had their own share of nightmares over the past few years, but this is one they share.
Zoro studies his captain's face, sees that there's absolutely no hesitation to be found there, and nods. "Okay."
And just like that, the tense mood breaks and Luffy's snuggling up against him and petting his belly and gleefully jabbering away to Sabo about the cute present that Grandpa Garp brought him, and the swordsman tucks an arm under his head and settles down to watch him, thinking morosely that the odds are quite good that idiotic onesie's here to stay if his lover's so damn excited about it and speculating yet again how the ex-Vice Admiral's somehow redeemed himself somewhat in his grandson's eyes- even if Zoro's still not too keen on him... because who the hell throws a little kid down a ravine or ties him to a fucking air balloon?
It's a damn good thing that Luffy keeps insisting the old man's changed, 'cause if anybody tried that shit with their kids - either the one he can hear now running around and making an unholy commotion on the deck above as he plays tag with Johnny and Yosaku OR the one they're finally going to meet face-to-face in a few days and who he can feel stirring fitfully towards the sound of his captain's voice - he'd slice the unfortunate bastard in half from the skull down, kill to protect his and Sencho's children, no second chances, no questions asked, and he feels a grim satisfaction at knowing Luffy would be willing to do the same.