This is so incredibly stupid, and the alt alt Crossfire stuff is eating my soul, but I just couldn't resist. I blame the seven hours my parents, spouse and I spent in BabiesRUs yesterday, setting up and then running around scanning stuff for my registry. While I saw lots of cute things, others were downright hideous.

Title courtesy of my beta/husband, who's totally right. This is so NOT Zoro's cup of tea.

xxx

"Oi- if you got everything you were looking for, then hurry the hell up so we can get back to the ship. My frickin' feet are killing me."

"Just give me one more- OH!" Eyes suddenly gleaming, Nami whirls back towards the scowling swordsman, all but dancing with excitement. "Here, you'll need this."

"... What the fuck is that?"

"A diaper bag!" The navigator exclaims, shoving something pink and bulky in his direction.

"A diaper-" Arms folded awkwardly over the bulge of his belly, Zoro eyes the monstrosity she's brandishing, glaring at the enormous star-shaped red and yellow flowers decorating the leather surface. "Nami, that's a goddamn purse."

"It's a DIAPER BAG. Look, it's cute and functional and you should-"

"No."

"We should've had one these before- it would've been SO much EASIER than cramming your haramaki full of spare diapers and making Usopp drag all those formula supplies around in his shoulder bag every time we left the Sunny!"

"I said no."

"At least just take a look at-"

She tries to force the bag into his hands - a neat trick since his arms are still crossed - and he takes a step back, baring his teeth. "Are you fucking DEAF? Forget it- I'm not gonna touch that thing, much less walk around with something that looks like a clown puked on it. And my haramaki worked just fine! I don't need some stupid pink-"

"It's not pink, it's ROSE."

"-shitty cook would never let me hear the end of-"

"Shut up and listen!" Nami hisses, forefinger stabbing repeatedly at the stitch pattern adorning one of the flowers as she leans closer, volume dropping conspiratorially. "They must've made a mistake ticketing their merchandise. Look at that logo. This is Criminal brand - high quality stuff - and it's a STEAL at this price. BUY IT. I'll give you a low interest rate on whatever you need to borrow, I promise."

"Hah- I've heard THAT one before. If that piece of junk's so great, then YOU buy it. I don't need some stupid purse. If I wanted a bag to carry shit in, I'd get something like this." He grumbles, poking at a plain black knapsack hanging nearby.

"Zoro, that one's nothing but a cheap knock-off. Not like-"

She's interrupted by Ace, who's just wandered back over to them and latched onto the swordsman's side, voice slightly muffled as he buries his face in the folds of his father's coat and sways back and forth, whining. "Daddy, are we going home yet? I'm BORED~"

The corner of the older pirate's mouth twitches, and he reaches down to ruffle the six-year-old's hair. "Sure, kiddo- as soon as Nami stops screwing around and makes up her goddamn mind."

"I HAVE made up my mind: you're buying it. I'll lend you the money- I'll even agree to a deplorably low interest rate on account of my being such a kindhearted and generous person. Ace, tell your dad he's buying this."

Turning his head slightly so he's squashing one cheek against Zoro's stomach, Ace peers up at the navigator's cajoling tone, blinks, and furrows his brow, nose wrinkling in disgust. "Why? It looks like somebody ate all of Uso-aniki's paints and then took a crap on it."

Nami, of course, immediately flies into a rage, demanding to know just what the hell the first mate's been teaching his son and loudly informing them both that they've got absolutely HORRIBLE fashion sense and NO appreciation for excellent quality or a good bargain. When he ignores her verbal attack, she also starts threatening to beat her green-haired nakama upside the head, but Zoro's now laughing too hard to care.