Hopefully the last of the alt alt drabbles, because I have quite a few other fics that I'd like to move on to, and this one's been hovering around unfinished for nearly a month while I've tried to get my shit together. Normally it doesn't take me anywhere near this long to finish a drabble, but- well, err, as those of you who also read my posts on LJ know, let's just say that I recently discovered that I've got something in common with the Crossfire-based version of Zoro, excluding the whole male thing and - hopefully - also excluding the whole ectopic/abdominal pregnancy. And Marines. If I run into any Marines - or leather-clad sadists - during the next eight months, I plan to stab first and ask questions later. Or at least run like hell.

But yes. My Luffy - my husband/beta - is quite excited and looking forward to the prospect of being a father. I think I'd be a lot more excited myself if I didn't feel like utter CRAP most of the time.

xxx

"... hnn?"

"... ungh... don't tell me he's hungry again already."

"... mmph. What time is it?"

"... dunno, but I think it's still fucking dark outside."

"... mmm... mnn... zzz-"

"Oi, damn it, Luffy- wake up!"

"Gah! Ow... Zoro must be feeling better if he can hit that hard..."

"Look, if you're not gonna bring me the kid and go make a bottle so I can feed him before he wakes up the whole damn ship, then I'll just go-"

"Law said Zoro's not allowed to climb the ladder by himself for another day or two yet, so he better stay in bed!"

"Then-"

There's a faint creaking as the door to their room's pushed open, accompanied by a small, tentative voice that's barely audible over the baby's high-pitched crying. "Daddy...? Daddy, where are you? I hear you and Daddy but I can't see you!"

"Hang on a second, Ace."

Zoro fumbles groggily for the bedside lamp, cursing as he nearly backhands it off the table in the process and is forced to grab its rocking base before it can fall to the floor. Squinting against the light, he can barely make out his equally dazed captain pausing a moment to haul on his shorts before stumbling across the room, yawning widely and scrubbing one arm furiously across his face, and then their older son's scrambling onto the bed and trying to clamber into his lap, bumping his healing incision.

"Ow, be careful, damn it!"

"Daddy-"

"Will you just hang on a second, okay? Damn it, I can barely think straight with all this racket."

"Whoa, he's definitely hungry... ah, stop squirming so much! Here, Zoro, take him before I drop him!"

"Thanks. C'mon, Ace, scoot. You can't sit there right now," the swordsman insists as he raises both arms to accept the squalling, red-faced newborn that Luffy's brought him, taking a moment to carefully adjust the blankets swaddling the baby as he arranges him in the crook of his right elbow, watching distractedly as the rubber man exits their quarters at a sprint. "Ace, NOW. Don't make me tell you aga-... shit! Shhh, shhh shh- no, it's okay, just settle down. Shhh, I'll feed you in just a second, alright? Luffy's gonna be right back, I promise."

"He's really noisy," Ace states reproachfully, scowling at his little brother. "He woke me up. All he does is cry and eat and make a lot of stinky diapers, and he's not even cute! He's all pink and wrinkly."

"He's a baby- he doesn't know how to do anything else yet," Zoro snorts, rocking Sabo steadily and hoping like hell that Luffy hurries it up, because the annoyed six-year-old's right about one thing at least- that wailing's enough to wake the dead, and it's only a matter of time before somebody in the men's quarters loses their patience and starts banging on the floor. "And you looked the same damn way when you were born, only you were fuzzy all over too and covered in a whole shitload of nasty white goop."

"Daddy's making that up."

"Am not. It was 'cause you came so early. Just ask Chopper or Robin- they were both there."

"... yeah, well, I bet I didn't cry that mu-"

The fussing infant produces an exceptionally loud squeal of indignation, just as Luffy comes flying back into the room, frantically testing the temperature of the formula he's carrying on one outstretched wrist.

"Sanji already had it started- he's on watch and- jeez, Zoro, he's really freaking out! I could hear him from the kitchen! Here, here!"

The captain's shuffling anxiously from one bare foot to another, looking remarkably like Ace when he needs to pee, and his first mate can't help laughing quietly as he accepts the bottle being shoved into his hand, because he's sure that while most of them have grown accustomed to their highly unorthodox leader, the majority of the fleet's never seen the Pirate King quite like this: still half-asleep but wide-eyed and hovering nervously by the bed, bare-chested, with his unbuttoned shorts hanging low on his hips, chewing agitatedly on his lower lip.

There's few things - beyond the thankfully highly infrequent and very cautiously worded announcement of an impending meat shortage - that are capable of sending Luffy into a paroxysm of sheer panic, but the younger pirate tends to get a bit flighty when his children turn on the waterworks. Particularly if food is involved, even if he knows damn well that every member of the crew would willingly go without before they'd let their youngest members go hungry.

It apparently began with Ace's somewhat rocky start and then progressively settled down over time, but now that they've got another one of those baby bird mouths gaping at them and demanding to be fed every two to three hours, he's abruptly dissolved into a mess all over again. Zoro's seen it often enough now to take the mini panic attacks in stride, and he calmly ignores his lover's agitation in favor of proffering the bottle to their fussing, squirming offspring.

"Oi- oi, here-"

Sabo utters a squawk of surprise at the nipple being nudged against the corner of his mouth and promptly latches onto it, crying silenced as he concentrates on sucking furiously, and there's three sighs of relief at the sudden quiet.

"See? All that yelling for nothing. Nobody, not even that damn swirly cook, is gonna let you starve."

"Heh, no, but he doesn't know that, right? Wow, look at him go, Zoro- he musta been really, really hungry!" The rubber man leans over, fingertips stroking lightly through the sparse dark fuzz crowning the baby's head. "You gonna be just like me, huh- make Sanji yell every time he sees you walk into his kitchen? Guess we'll find out what you think of meat when you start eating solid stuff, but that's not gonna be for a while yet!"

"Shitty cook's just gonna love that, isn't he?"

"... I changed my mind. I don't like him." Ace mumbles, tugging moodily at Zoro's elbow. "Make him go back where he came from."

His parents exchange an incredulous and slightly amused glance.

"Sorry, kiddo, doesn't work that way. He's here to stay- we're pretty much stuck with him." The swordsman's lips curl into a faint smile as he surveys the bundle he's cuddled just a bit closer to his chest. "You hear that? I guess we're stuck with you, eh, little guy? But I guess that's okay, 'cause you're really, really freakin' cute- everybody on the ship says so, and I bet your grandpa's gonna wanna buy you more of those stupid-"

Scowl steadily darkening with indignation, the child seated beside him suddenly reaches up and tries to smack the bottle out of his hand, narrowly missing Sabo's nose, and the baby immediately starts howling again as the nipple's yanked from his mouth when Zoro twitches backwards, forearm raised defensively.

"OI! What the hell do you think you're doing?" He demands, as Luffy hauls Ace out of reach with arms looped securely around his torso, arms and legs before he has the chance to launch himself into a full-blown temper tantrum and strike someone with a flailing fist or foot. "If you ever, EVER try that shit again, I'm gonna swat your ass so fuckin' hard you won't sit for a whole goddamn week!"

"Put me down!" The little boy snarls, struggling wildly in his father's grasp, but to no avail, because the rubber man just tightens his grip until he's reduced to helpless wriggling and biting remarks. "I hate him- I hate YOU!"

"Ace-"

"Now that you got him, you don't want me anymore! You don't love-!"

"ACE."

A hand clamps down forcefully over the six-year-old's mouth, cutting him off, but there's really no need, because the anger and disappointment inherent in that one word has already been enough to thoroughly cow the petulant child - who's no longer fighting back but trying to curl into a tiny ball, his eyes watering and wide with shock - and even Zoro's looking slightly taken aback despite his pained expression, because he's never heard Luffy using that tone of voice - growling and threatening and using the faintest trace of Haki - to reprimand their son.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, the older pirate busies himself with soothing the distressed infant squirming in his elbow, coaxing him to accept the remainder of his bottle with a slightly trembling hand and deliberately averting his gaze as his captain addresses their startled offspring in a low, warning murmur.

"I don't care if you're mad 'cause your brother woke you up. He woke us up too. Everybody's kinda grumpy right now since he cries a lot at night, but he won't do that as much when he starts getting older. And I know it seems like we're always doing stuff with him whenever you wanna play, but he needs us to feed him and change his diaper and take care of him 'cause he can't do anything by himself right now. We did all that stuff for you too, when you were really little like he is... sometimes Zoro wouldn't even let me or anybody else hold you 'cause he was afraid to put you down."

"... you were frickin' tiny," the swordsman mumbles, eye still focused intently on Sabo, who's resumed nursing and latched onto his forefinger with one small hand as though to prevent him from pulling the bottle away again. "I think your whole head fit in the palm of my hand..."

"I know it's kinda hard sharing us- I had to get used to sharing Zoro with you all the time, so I know how much it sucks when we're messing around with him and you wanna show us something or you get tired of hanging out with everybody else and wanna play with us instead." Luffy slowly relaxes his grip, because Ace has started sniffling, and the little boy immediately turns and buries his face against his father's bare chest, wrapping both arms around him and clinging to his torso.

"... don't like it."

"Nobody said you gotta like it, BUT-" That edge returns to his voice, although it's somewhat tempered by the way his hand's started petting the small back beneath it. "-that doesn't mean it's okay to say you hate Sabo- or that you hate Zoro. Nobody's trying to be mean- and Sabo's not trying to steal us from you either. All he cares about right now is having somebody feed him and change his diaper and cuddle him. HE doesn't hate YOU. And neither does Zoro."

"... didn't mean it..."

"If you don't mean it, then don't say it, okay? And don't-" The younger pirate's eyes flash up to meet his first mate's gaze, which has finally left the baby's face. "-don't think we don't love you just 'cause we're kinda busy. We love you a lot, and it hurts a lot when you say we don't, even if we know it's just 'cause you're mad, and it really, REALLY hurts Zoro. 'Cause he- he-"

"Luffy. I think he gets it." He inclines his head towards Ace, drawing his captain's attention to how the kid's shivering all over while trying very hard to ignore the steady throbbing that's started up in what remains of his right hand, which tends to get achy when it rains or when he's forcibly reminded of things that he'd rather not remember. "That's enough, okay?"

They've agreed- the entire crew's agreed, in fact, that their younger member doesn't need to know all the details behind his birth, at least not until he's older... and possibly not even then. So while he's aware that the Straw Hats were forced to rescue his father from Impel Down shortly before he was born and that the swordsman lost his fingers sometime before their arrival, he doesn't know the actual circumstances.

He has, however, picked up on quite a few things that Zoro would prefer he didn't know. It's been extremely difficult to hide the fact that the World's Greatest Swordsman sometimes has nightmares, even years after the fact, and that he's developed a severe aversion to and near-phobic hatred of Marines and a deep mistrust of anyone associated with them.

"... s-sorry," Ace whimpers, squirming around again to peer shyly over Luffy's arm. "... don't really hate you, Daddy."

"Ace..."

"... or him either. Does- does he know I didn't mean it...?"

"I'm pretty sure he does. Oi, c'mere, kiddo." Shifting a bit so his lower back's propped against the pillow behind him, Zoro raises the elbow of his free arm just enough to let the little boy slip under it and settle between his legs. "There you go. Just don't push on my stomach, okay? Chopper'll pitch a fit and string us both up by our toes if he's gotta redo my stitches."

"Did it hurt? When Law and Chopper took him out?" The child asks curiously, leaning forward and craning his neck to get a better look at the line of sutures spanning his father's lower abdomen, just above the hem of his boxers, which are rolled down a bit to prevent them rubbing against the raw skin.

"Nah. Well, maybe a little after that junk Law gave me finally started wearing off," the swordsman amends quickly before Ace can take him seriously and start poking at the incision. "Not so much while they were doing it. That just felt weird, like my legs were asleep and somebody was yanking on my guts. Let's just say it wasn't fun- although it was a hell of a lot better than the first time."

"Huh?"

"We weren't ready when you decided you hadda come out, 'cause you weren't really supposed to be born yet, so Law didn't have time to go get the stuff he needed from his ship," Luffy explains, reaching out to ruffle his older son's hair before gathering up a corner of Sabo's blanket to wipe a stray dribble of formula off the baby's chin. "And Zoro wouldn't let him or Chopper knock him out with anything else when they went in to get you out, 'cause he was afraid it might make you sick, so he could feel EVERYTHING they were doing. It was pretty scary, 'cause they kicked everybody else out - even me - and Zoro kept yelling 'cause it hurt, but I couldn't do anything to help either of you."

Tilting his head back, Ace stares up at Zoro with enormous eyes and then wraps both arms around his bicep and squeezes it tightly. "Daddy...?"

"It's okay, kiddo. It wasn't that bad."

Which is, of course, considerably stretching the truth, but he's got a feeling that he's probably heard the last of that "you don't love me" crap, considering how forcefully his son's hugging him.

Luffy hasn't moved but is regarding him with unusually serious eyes, and he doesn't need to ask what his captain's thinking to know that the younger pirate's reflecting on just how close he came to losing one or possibly even both of them.

"Anyway," he continues, clearing his throat, "-Law said he had a really easy time with your brother, so it shouldn't be too long before I can start training again."

"Is Daddy gonna start fighting again too? With all the people who wanna beat him?"

"Eventually, but it's gonna take a while. So no trying to take my challenges for me, okay? I don't wanna end up fishing you out of the water all the time 'cause you keep getting yourself thrown overboard pissing people off- and that goes for you too, Luffy," the swordsman adds, earning a sheepish grin from the other pirate. "I don't give a shit if you wanna chase 'em off if they won't take no for an answer, but saltwater fucking burns and I don't want it anywhere near me 'til this heals- 'cause I still remember how bad it stung getting dumped in there after Mihawk beat me that first time."

He conveniently neglects to mention the fact that he voluntarily THREW himself into the pool at Arlong Park shortly afterwards.

At the mention of his father's swordsmanship mentor, Ace squirms, looking hopeful. "... tell me a story?"

"Now? I thought you were all tired and grumpy 'cause this little monster woke you up? Ah, looks like he's done. Hang on, Sabo, lemme just get rid of this and we'll get the gas out of your belly. I really don't wanna have to get a shower before I can go back to sleep." The newborn tucked against his chest doesn't protest when he hands the now-empty bottle off to Luffy, too full to do more than yawn and blink sleepily when he's carefully lifted to his father's shoulder for solicitous patting.

"Why would you need a shower, Daddy?"

"'Cause sometimes babies swallow a lot of air while they're eating and if they can't get it out, they get really frickin' cranky and spit up all over the place. You want stories, I can tell you about all the times you barfed on me. Luffy was such an ass about it too- he'd give you a bottle and then hand you over for me to burp and fucking LAUGH whenever you threw up on my shoulder or in my lap."

"Zoro got a lot of showers for the first few weeks," the rubber man teases. "-at least 'til we got used to feeding you."

"Did a lot of goddamn laundry too- between that and all the shitty diapers. Guess we're back to the diapers, although I'm hoping I won't have to wash so many shirts this time around." He eyes Sabo cautiously when the baby hiccups. "Guess I probably shoulda put one on before I did this, 'cause if he does spit up, I'm gonna stink like warm milk 'til your dad helps me get upstairs to the bathhouse."

"Eww."

"Yeah, eww is right. Although maybe I could go give the ero-cook a nice big hug, huh?"

The older boy giggles and then laughs out loud when his infant brother suddenly produces a surprisingly loud burp. "Haha, that was a good one!"

"Yeah, wait'll he gets a little bigger, and you guys can have belching contests with us and drive Nami crazy- she really hates that!"

"You know she's gonna have a fucking fit if she finds out you told him that." Zoro smirks, seeing the look of delight that's spreading across their older son's face. "Don't get your hopes too high, kiddo, 'cause none of you guys are gonna beat me. Undisputed champion and all that shit."

"I don't know," Luffy hums doubtfully. "Franky's pretty good. And Brook too."

"Still beats the hell out of me how a skeleton can belch anyway, without any- oi, you all done?" He can feel Sabo relaxing under his hand, slumping against his shoulder with a tiny contented sigh, and gently lowers the newborn to the unoccupied side of his lap. "He should sleep for a while now, if you wanna go back to bed."

"... can I stay in here with you?"

"I guess so- as long as you promise not to steal the covers. Lemme get your brother settled real quick first."

Ace curls up against him, watching closely as he goes through the familiar and oft-repeated routine: a quick diaper check - nothing yet, although there's sure to be an unpleasant surprise either later this morning or possibly sometime this afternoon - a cursory investigation of the umbilical stump - healing nicely - and a slightly more thorough inspection of the baby's fingernails, which he discovers will need to be clipped again soon so the kid doesn't scratch the crap out of himself.

"Here, lemme do it," Luffy demands when the older pirate moves to ease himself towards the bed's edge, quickly stealing Sabo from the swordsman's arms before he can protest. "I wanna hold him for a little when he's NOT yelling his head off."

Zoro contemplates arguing - he's spent entirely too much time lounging around and it feels weird having his lover waiting on him hand and foot, regardless of Chopper and Law's orders - but there's a small hand patting impatiently at his chest, and when he looks down, there's a small resolute face peering back at him, and he bites the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing out loud, because Ace is so determined to regain his attention without actually complaining that he's making the same puckered, lip-biting expression that crosses the captain's face whenever he encounters something particularly unpleasant.

"Alright, alright," the first mate grumbles softly, scooting down until he's sprawled beside his older son. "-but if you start having some weird dream about sea kings trying to eat you and kick me in the gut in the middle of the night, I'm gonna dump your ass on the floor. You got that?"

"Like to see 'em try- I'd just beat 'em up and give 'em to Sanji-ani so he could cook 'em for dinner," Ace mutters back, but he's grinning as he snuggles into the arm curling around him, and he's still grinning half an hour later, after Luffy's turned down the lights and slipped into bed with one arm flopping carelessly over them both, and he's STILL grinning fifteen minutes after that as he lies curled between his parents, listening to their deepened breathing and faint snores, because while Sabo might get a ton of their attention, HE'S still too little to sleep with them.

He eventually falls asleep with that enormous grin plastered on his face and dreams he's fighting back-to-back with both of his fathers, triumphantly defending not just his baby brother but the entire fleet from wave after wave of invading Marines and sea kings and Marines RIDING sea kings, and when he does accidentally punt Zoro in the hip during one particularly pitched battle, the older man doesn't dump him on the floor as promised but rumbles groggily and menacingly about sending him back to his own room, until he hears the six-year-old's hissed explanation that "I'm sorry and I didn't mean to hit Daddy but I hadda really go all out with those final moves, 'cause the guy I was fighting was really tough and he was an ADMIRAL, goddamn it!"

"... you beat him?"

"I kicked his ass!"

"Good- now go the hell back to sleep and lemme get some shut-eye before your brother starts screaming 'cause he's hungry again."