/dying. Got the idea for this drabble a while ago, before the whole alt alt thing started, but I'm glad I waited to write it until now.
Looks like Zoro got in the last word for once.
This one's for Ewim. I was totally thinking of Luffy swinging Ace around upside down by his ankles near the end. It's also a response to all the people who keep asking me a certain question; here's Zoro's final answer for you, lol.
xxx
"My mother says your father and his nakama are pirates. Does that mean you're a pirate too?"
He stares at her incredulously. "Well, DUH. Of course, I'm a pirate! What are you- stupid or something?"
"But-" The girl bristles, obviously offended but apparently still too curious to actually whirl around and storm away despite the indignation burning in her eyes. "Y-You're just a little kid!"
"I am not! I'm almost seven and I'm a pirate and my dad told me that I'm older than you anyway, SO THERE."
She fumes, but she doesn't accuse him of lying, so he supposes she already heard the same thing from her mother. Her mouth works helplessly as she struggles to formulate a retort. "Well- well- well at least I don't have to live somewhere that stinks like rotten old fish!"
Ace's hands immediately ball into fists, his face flaming bright red. "Our ship doesn't smell like rotten fish! And the sea's a hell of a lot better than all your dumb sand!"
Her eyes widen a little, and for a moment she looks a bit like a fish herself with her parted lips and all that blue hair waving around behind her stunned expression, but then her eyes narrow. "I bet your ship's got rats."
"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!" He roars before he wades in, intent on wiping the self-satisfied smirk off her face. "SUNNY NEVER GOT RATS, SO YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW OR I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!"
xxx
"Shit! Luffy, you better grab him before he clobbers her, or Kohza's gonna have a fucking fit," Zoro groans, envisioning the potential fiasco of an international incident involving the Pirate King's unruly offspring and the young heir of Arabasta. The Queen's consort has already cornered him twice during their visit, demanding to know just what sort of language "that boy" might be teaching his daughter. "I'd do it, but I kinda got my hands full."
"Yosh. OI-"
"Let him go, Luffy-san," Vivi calls from where she's standing beside the Straw Hat's first mate. "They'll be fine."
"But-"
Their old friend smiles. "Don't worry, Mister Bushi- err, Zoro-san. She's perfectly capable of taking care of herself."
"If you say so," the green-haired pirate agrees hesitantly, casting another dubious glance at the ruckus occurring beyond the courtyard pillars and the rubber man who's watching with interest- and, oh hell, loudly offering ADVICE to the combatants. It's not that he doubts Vivi's judgement - he's sure she knows her daughter better than anyone - but the girl sure doesn't look like much of a scrapper, not like Kuina as he remembers her, and-
Movement stirs against his chest, inside the sling he's wearing beneath his coat, and he peers down to find Sabo stretching lazily, yawning and regarding him sleepily from beneath drooping eyelids. "Oi, squirt- you finally awake?"
At the sound of his voice, the three-month-old breaks into a toothless smile, tiny hands waving rather aimlessly as he gurgles and reaches for his father's face, and Zoro can't resist smiling back.
"He's adorable," the woman beside him coos as she reaches over his elbow to tickle the baby's cheek, unaware of the momentary tension that seizes the swordsman's frame before melting away. "And getting so big already! It's a shame you couldn't come sooner after he was born, but I suppose it was safer to wait."
"Yeah, that's what we figured." He grimaces, vividly recalling the trip over Reverse Mountain. Bad enough WITHOUT one cantankerous infant to placate, one terrified boy to reassure and one overly excited, whooping captain to restrain from unintentionally bouncing himself overboard. Not to mention keeping a cautious eye on the other fleet ships selected to accompany them back into the Grand Line.
At least Ace had been quickly distracted from his fear at his first sight of Laboon, although he'd overwhelmed the crew with a torrent of questions regarding the whale's size, diet and unusual internal structure. After being forced to admit that he didn't have a fucking clue whether or not the overly-large mammal strained plankton or devoured whole sea kings - Robin was reading to the kid again, no doubt - Zoro had turned the astounded six-year-old over to Brook, agreed to let Nami watch the loudly fussing baby for an astronomical fee that she'll hopefully forget to collect and promptly ducked into the aquarium bar for a much-needed breather.
While he loves his children, he loves Luffy and he loves the rest of the crew - although "grudging respect" might be a more appropriate phrase to describe his feelings pertaining to that goddamn swirly-brow cook - sometimes he thinks he'd gladly defeat an entire armada of Pacifistas just for five minutes of peace and quiet.
"Oi, Zoro-"
He blinks, startled out of his thoughts when he realizes his lover's nudging his elbow. "Wha-"
Luffy jabs a thumb over his own shoulder to indicate the two small figures sprawled in the dust beyond them, panting exhaustedly- and uttering high-pitched giggles. "I think they're done trying to kill each other."
Zoro takes a closer look and winces. "Oh great. I hope that thing's not bro-"
"WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE?"
Forget five minutes of peace and quiet. He needs a nap and a few more weeks in the crow's nest gym if he's going to do something about his shoddy guard. It's embarrassing, letting this many people sneak up on him.
Kohza yanks his sunglasses off his face to reveal eyes full of murder. "YOUR SON gave MY DAUGHTER a bloody nose."
"And your daughter punched my son in the face," the World's Greatest Swordsman responds coolly. "He's gonna have one hell of a shiner by tomorrow morning. Chopper's gonna pitch a fucking fit."
The Environmental Minister reaches out to grab a handful of the pirate's coat- and stops abruptly when he discovers Sabo goggling at him. He withdraws slowly, face reddening. "You need to- your son's a-"
"My son's a WHAT." Zoro snarls, advancing after him.
Vivi and Luffy exchange a wry look and step in, collaring their respective partners.
"Settle down, Kohza- she's perfectly alright."
"Let go of me, you idiot. That bastard insulted our kid!"
"But- but- Vivi, darling, that brat-"
"Oof! Zoro, if you're gonna beat him up, at least gimmie the baby first, okay?"
"I think you're forgetting something, LEADER."
The squabble's interrupted by a pair of excited voices as two children launch themselves into the fray, clinging to their respective parents and babbling a mile a minute.
"Look, Daddy, look! She knows how to fight pretty good- she hit me in the EYE!"
"Mommy, Mommy, Ace says the Pirate King is his father, but so's the man with the funny green hair! How'd he get two of them, when I've only got one?"
The adults stare at each other, speechless, until Sabo starts whimpering. Luffy leans closer to check on him, ignoring the panic-stricken expressions on Kohza and Vivi's faces as they struggle to formulate an answer to their daughter's question. "Whassa matter, huh? You hungry?"
"Daddy, you got beat up by a girl before too, didn't you?"
"I want a little brother or sister!" The princess demands, tugging at her father's sleeve.
"He yells a lot," Ace warns her from where he's standing at his own father's side, hanging onto the swordsman's belt. "And he steals everybody's laps too. He even did it BEFORE he came, 'cause he made Daddy really, really fat and kicked me when I tried to sit in HIS lap."
"He KICKED you?"
"Yeah! It was kinda cool though- it made Daddy's tummy do this weird wobbly thing."
"Wow, really?"
Kohza eyes Zoro incredulously, and if his face was red before, it's now scarlet. The older man, slightly flushed himself, is studiously checking Sabo's diaper and refusing to meet anyone's eyes.
Vivi is now laughing helplessly into the hand clasped over her mouth.
Luffy is grinning. He nudges his first mate, nodding towards the little blue-haired girl who's now asking Ace if he means wobbly like a bowl of pudding or- "She's really cute, isn't she?"
"Hmm," the other pirate states noncommittally, suspecting he knows where this is going.
"Nami and Robin keep saying we need another girl on the ship."
"Hmm."
"I think me and Zoro should have a girl next."
"Sure, why not? But you're gonna have to wait until Sabo's a little older and-"
Kohza makes a faint gurgling noise, as though someone's trying to strangle him.
"-figures out how the hell I keep getting knocked up, so YOU CAN DEAL WITH BEING PREGNANT," the swordsman snarls, glowering at his beaming captain. "WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?"
"But Zoro~"
"You don't get to PICK which one you want- I keep TELLING you that! We'd just get another boy and then you'd wanna try again and I'm not gonna crew a whole bloody ship with Luffy Juniors. And besides, I'm twenty-seven and I'm the World's fucking Greatest Swordsman- I'm gonna have idiots popping up all over the place to challenge me now that we're back in the Grand Line and I'd like to actually beat a few more of them before I get my ass handed to me by some two-beli punk who gets lucky 'cause I'm too fat and slow from lounging around with my feet up, stuffing my face full of-" He breaks off, breathing heavily, and shrugs out of the sling, pushing it and the baby into his lover's arm and then nudging Ace in his direction as well. "Here, it's your turn to watch them for a while. Just don't do anything stupid, and I'll be back in an hour. I need a fucking nap."
Expression slightly bemused, Luffy cuddles his younger son against his chest and pats his slightly bewildered elder on the head. "Don't worry, he'll be back before you know-"
He stalls, his nose wrinkling as he gives the fussing infant, now squirming unhappily in his grasp, an extremely suspicious look and lifts him a bit higher to peer hesitantly into his diaper. "Oi, did you-? GAH! Sabo, you STINK!"
Vivi, giggling hysterically, grabs Kohzu's elbow for balance.
"Zoro? Zoro! Sabo needs a-" He pats his pockets, face going slightly pale as he realizes that Zoro's carrying all the spares. "OI, ZORO, WAIT A SECOND!"
"I told you, it's your turn," the swordsman calls back over his shoulder before he disappears into the palace. "You've got a shirt, don't you?"