Hope and a Fighting Chance
by The Lost Girl
SPOILERS: Everything up to and including Mass Effect 3's ending.
SUMMARY: "Give us hope and a fighting chance. Hell, the Reapers better watch themselves." Every hero needs a hero every now and then. And Kaidan is exactly what Shepard needs.
DISCLAIMERS: All the characters in the story belong to Bioware, and whoever else has the rights on Mass Effect. Some quotes will directly be borrowed from the games.
WARNING: Eventual character(s) death(s).
Hope and a Fighting Chance
Chapter 4...
"Can you feel it Shepard? Feel the quickening? Illusive Man better say his prayers tonight, 'cause we are coming for him. Murderous asshole. Oh yeah... Tide is turning... I feel it."
They had been confronted to many atrocities over the last few years, but this? He didn't know how Shepard had managed it... Calmly convincing Henry Lawson to hand Oriana over to them in exchange for his life. Perhaps because deep down, he knew that Miranda was going to take a stand against her father and put an end to his horrible schemes, once and for all. If she hadn't, Kaidan probably would have been the one giving him a little "biotic push" in the right direction. Which was down... Way down...
The thought of taking another person's life had never been one to make him feel any sense of satisfaction... Until now...
"After what I saw down there... I have never been more filled with rage."
All of these people... Turians, asaris, and humans, mostly. All of them seeking a haven from the war; all of them having been promised safety and shelter while awaiting the passing of the storm... Refugees looking to escape the fear and horror, only to be transformed into what they all feared the most by those that had sworn to protect them. How could anyone take people's hope, and pervert it into... into this...
"Sanctuary..." he scoffed "Illusive Man's obviously crazy, but... Bring him on. Cases like this, I don't mind killing crazy."
Crazy, indoctrinated even... Did it really matter? Kaidan was only just starting to learn how to deal with shades of gray... Understand that people made what could appear to be questionable choices for the greater good. Good people, great scientists had joined with Cerberus despite its shady reputation because they truly believed that what they were doing would end up ultimately helping others.
Jacob, Miranda, even Joker all chose to join up with the organization at some point because they thought they could make a difference. And Cerberus hadn't changed who they were. It hadn't changed who Shepard was.
But what the Illusive Man had done... That, he couldn't manage to cope with... Couldn't find it in himself to forgive. Perhaps he didn't need to. All that truly mattered to him right now was that the Illusive Man needed to be stopped... And if he was indeed indoctrinated, then killing the bastard would end up liberating him from it as well, no matter what satisfaction he'd personally be getting from it. His need to avenge the victims simply screamed louder than his ability to feel compassion for the crazy guy right now. But the end result still remained the same.
Wait... Why was Shepard looking at him with that little smile?
"What?" he asked, uncrossing his arms and trying to figure out why his lover seemed so pleased all of a sudden.
"I know the situation is serious, and I'm going to sound terribly inappropriate but... God, you're ridiculously sexy when you're looking so angry and dangerous."
Kaidan's biotics suddenly activated as he pounced on Shepard, roughly grabbing him and spinning him around so quickly that his breath was knocked out of him as his back hit the observation deck's window with a loud thud, both of his wrists being held over his head in a solid grasp by his lover, Kaidan's face inches from his own to the point where he could feel his breath tickle his lips. One of his legs had slid between his own, and his hip was pressed almost painfully against his, keeping him immobilized.
Panting loudly and recovering from the surprise assault, Shepard lifted his gaze to look into Kaidan's eyes, now glowing with that deep blue energy that gave him a bewitching, otherworldly look. One could forget in that moment that he was merely human, and not some great, powerful, avenging angel... And the way that Kaidan was looking back at him right now... With so much hunger and passion... He was actually glad that he was being so solidly held into place because he might have just slid down to the floor otherwise.
"Is that dangerous enough for you?" Kaidan whispered hoarsely.
Shepard answered him with a fierce kiss, trying to free his hands, but to no avail... Wait, was Kaidan actually using partial stasis on him?
However, they soon found themselves distracted by the sound of the door locking. Looking up, Shepard also noticed that the light from the surveillance cameras had gone dark.
"Really?" he asked, chuckling against Kaidan's mouth. "A bit of tongue action, and EDI now immediately lock us up, and turns off the cameras?"
"I guess she figured she'd better be safe than sorry. Things have been... getting pretty tense around here, lately."
"I'll say." Shepard commented, looking down suggestively.
"Not quite what I meant but yeah... Definitely..." Kaidan said, leaning in for another kiss while teasingly increasing the pressure of his thigh still resting between Shepard's legs, eliciting a small gasp from his love.
"You know, as tempting as it would be to say "The Hell with the galaxy!" and take some comfort in you right now, I've really got some work to do before this evening is over..." he stated half-heartily, trying to remain standing while Kaidan gently released his wrists and took a step back, allowing him some room to recover.
"Might need to wait a minute or two before getting out of here though..." Shepard said, not quite sure how appropriate it would be to walk around the ship "saluting" the crew. "You know, this is when I begin to lament the lack of a private shower in this room... I could use a cold one right now."
"Yeah..." Kaidan agreed, equally flustered. "Cold showers, calculus, collectors, rachnis... Councilor Valern."
"Ewww..."
"Is it helping?"
"It would if you did not look so damn cute saying it!" Shepard replied, laughing.
"Want me to turn around instead?" Kaidan offered helpfully.
"And let me enjoy the view from behind?"
"You know, you are really not helping at all right now." Kaidan said, chuckling a bit, while moving towards one of the couches and sitting down, looking at the stars through the bay window. "Here, have a seat." he said, motioning to the spot right beside him.
Shepard resisted the urge to sit on his laps instead, but decided that if he wanted to get any actual work done, and hopefully soon, he'd better behave. Instead, he sat down next to his love, and let him wrap an arm across his shoulders, resting his head in the crook of his neck.
Looking at the vastness of space... So many stars and so many worlds surrounded by a peaceful silence, except for the sound of the Normandy's engine and systems, it was hard to believe that they actually were at war... That while he was enjoying this moment, safely held into the arms of the man he loved, the man he'd gladly give anything for the chance to stay by his side, people out there were facing a danger like no other. And yet, he'd seen it... Fought it first hand... If he hadn't, it would be so easy to forget.
"From here, it doesn't seem like the world is ending..." he commented quietly, snuggling a bit closer.
"No, pretty damn peaceful. Seems... pretty damn perfect, right here." Kaidan said, as Shepard noticed that he was lovingly gazing down at him. He straightened a bit to kiss Kaidan's nose, making him smile, and then went back to looking at the stars.
"Is there a lot you've got left to do?" he heard Kaidan ask, before feeling him kiss the top of his head, and run soothing patterns with his hand down his back... God he loved when he did that.
"I just need to check up on the rest of the crew... Make sure everyone is doing okay, and we're all ready for the assault on Cerberus. Hackett has warned me that once we do, it's going to be straight back to Earth after that, since we won't be able to conceal our fleets or the Crucible from the Reapers any longer. There's also a few loose ends that I need to tie up."
Kaidan nodded, they all had a few of those... Both on a personal, and a professional level. He still needed to coordinate with his students, at least those that were going to come join them on Earth. Answer to any last minute questions or advices they might need to ask him, make sure that they were ready and knew exactly what their orders were... That they would have someone strong and responsible to lead them into battle in case he was needed elsewhere or... not there.
He'd sent a message to his mother earlier, trying to comfort her, and remind her that he loved her... He was still awaiting her answer and couldn't help but imagine the worst. That the Reapers had succeeded in getting to her too, somehow. If she was still alive, he could only hope that she had people with her that were there to care for her, and support her.
Her husband was missing, most likely he was presumed... Even in his mind, it seemed Kaidan was unable to say the word. And now, her only child was about to go back to Earth directly in the zone where the fighting was at its very worst. That is, if he survived the direct assault on Cerberus headquarters first.
She'd always been strong... Even now, he could picture her telling him to quit worrying about her, and to keep following his own path; make his own choices, no matter where they would lead him. What was happening right now was his fight, and he knew that she understood.
But still, it hurt. Not being able to tell her that everything would be okay... And that they would see each other soon.
Last time they'd manage to communicate with each other, he'd had the chance to tell her about his relationship with Shepard, and she'd seemed very excited about it... Happy that her son wasn't alone in all of this, and somehow relieved that it was the great Commander Shepard, of all people, that was watching over him. Yeah... His mother would've... would, Kaidan corrected himself... love him.
As for contacting the rest of his friends... Most of them were either on the Normandy with him right now, or serving in the Alliance elsewhere, most likely under Admiral Hackett. He hadn't kept many ties to his life before his BAaT training days, much less from the 5 years or so that followed. Too many painful memories had been buried there, but he'd managed to make peace with most of it, in no small part thanks to Shepard.
While the Alliance tended to welcome biotics with open arms because of the obvious military advantages they offered... Shepard's fascination with his biotic abilities had gone much beyond their uses on a battlefield. Since the very beginning, he had made it clear that he perceived them as being a part of who Kaidan was, and that he had the most utter trust in his abilities to control and use his powers.
When he powered them up, there was no fear or apprehension in Shepard's eyes. Only pure acceptance, and love... There was no need to hold back, or feel any shame. Looking back, there was very little left of that scared, heartbroken teenager that felt like he didn't belong with the rest of the world. And he owed a lot of that to him...
"Can I help you with anything you've got left? Perhaps go see how a few of the crew members are doing?" he asked, wanting to make sure that Shepard would also have some time to relax before their next mission.
"Thanks, but I already sent Garrus to give Tali a hand in order to make sure that she keeps sliding her emergency induction port into the right hole... Last thing we need is her running a fever because she wasn't careful." Shepard answered, making Kaidan do a serious double take.
"What?"
Shepard laughed, only now realizing how this may have sounded "She's been drinking turian brandy through an opening in her helmet by using a straw, that she has dubbed as "Emeeergency induction port"..." he explained, doing his best impression of Tali's drunken voice, making Kaidan chuckle. "By the time I left the bar, she was starting to have some trouble aligning that straw with the slot in her helmet... So I sent Garrus to help her, and make sure that she wouldn't just end up taking off the helmet to save time."
"Wait, so you sent in Garrus to make sure that she would keep her clothes on? You must be starting to feel tired Commander, because I sure see a fly in that logic somewhere..."
Shepard laughed again "Now that you mention it, probably not the smartest plan. Still, I'm pretty sure that Garrus would never try anything that might endanger the crew, especially not Tali."
"Nothing like an impending death scenario to ensure people that stay reasonable. Speaking of which..."
"Yeah, I know. I really should get going if I'm hoping to actually get everything done and maybe catch some rest before we get to Anadius." Shepard said, reluctantly detangling himself from Kaidan's embrace, before making his way towards the exit.
"I'll try to finish my own work, and come check on you later... Let me know when you're done." Kaidan said, kissing him goodbye at the door.
The evening passed much faster than Kaidan had expected... Or perhaps he just hadn't anticipated that his students were going to ask him so many questions, a great many of them of a personal instead of a tactical nature. It was nothing inappropriate, however. His kids were just curious about what he'd been up to since becoming a council Spectre, and what it was like being part of the Normandy's crew. They kept hearing a few tales and getting reports, but getting the chance to learn about what was really happening with Shepard's team from someone that was actually a part of it seemed to be getting them all really excited.
And Kaidan needed them to keep getting excited... To believe that anything was still possible, and that they truly had a chance to win this. He needed them to build their confidence, and be at their very best when the time came to go kick the Reapers' asses all the way back to Hell! If some of his students were going to have to sacrifice their lives in the fight, he wanted them to do so believing that they had truly made the difference... That all that had been lost and sacrificed since the Reapers had arrived hadn't been in vain. No matter what, he wanted them to be proud of themselves, of humanity, and of the galactic community.
So if they needed a few larger than life tales of heroes fighting for the fate of the galaxy to boaster their resolve and strengthen their morale, he was happy to oblige... And even glamorize the whole thing a little bit.
However, it was getting pretty late, well passed 2 a.m. if his clock was to be trusted... And he was starting to be completely beat! He wondered if Shepard had managed to finish his own stuff, and was getting some rest right now... He had yet to contact him, but knowing him, he could very well have fallen asleep sitting on the couch or working at his desk.
He also noticed that the ship seemed to be oddly silent right now. Normally, people kept odd sleeping hours, and there was always a certain level of activity on the ship. Stepping out of his quarters, he decided to go take a walk around some of the public sections of the Normandy... Thinking that it would do him some good to stretch his legs a little bit, and perhaps get the chance to talk with a few people from the crew that he hadn't gotten the chance to see since they'd come back from their last mission. However, the Normandy seemed to be strangely deserted.
He thus came back to the crew deck and was about to go get something from his quarters, when he finally heard the sound of two people talking and laughing in the opposite direction. As he got closer to the port observation deck, it seemed that the laugh and one of the voices belonged to Liara, and the other to... Javik?
He knocked on the door, and heard a very cheerful "Come in!" from the asari.
"Oh, hello Kaidan! Is everything alright?" Liara asked as he entered the room... She looked positively thrilled.
"Yeah... I heard you guys talking and... Hope I'm not interrupting too much."
"Not at all, Javik was just telling me some incredible tales about the time he used to be in command of his own ship... Some of the things he and his crew did and have seen are simply amazing!"
Well, that sure explained why Liara was in such a good mood. Even Javik seemed... Relaxed. He wouldn't say that he was smiling, exactly... Though if he was, it'd be hard to tell. But there was something about the prothean that felt more open... less... huh... scornful.
"I didn't know that you used to be a ship's captain, Javik." Kaidan said, motioning to the couch facing them, and waiting for Liara and Javik to give him a little nod before sitting there with them.
"Then your Commander truly is not one to share other people's secrets." Javik replied, waiting for Kaidan to get comfortable.
"I figured that since your cycle does seem to have a chance at defeating the Reapers, I might as well make sure that the tales of my own people, and the heroics and sacrifices of my crew be remembered..." he explained, his voice growing more sad "...I owe them that much."
"I'm sure they appreciate that..." Kaidan said quietly, gaining a whole new appreciation of the soldier. And also, a better understanding of why he seemed to bond faster with Shepard than anyone else on the ship, and felt the need to advise him so often.
50 000 years ago, Javik had been the one walking in Shepard's shoes, so to speak. The one trying to keep his own world from falling apart. While his cycle hadn't succeeded in defeating the Reapers, they had given them a chance to better face them. He had to wonder if Javik's need to point out how they were doing things differently was really a way to criticize them, or show them that their differences might actually allow them to win this.
"You really believe that we have a chance to succeed." he asked, curious to know more about his opinion.
"It's seems to be more and more possible. And if you do, it will be in no small part because of you."
Javik's answer surprised Kaidan. "Me?"
"The Commander, the crew... But yes, I have a feeling that it's you, especially."
Alright, now he was downright confused "I don't understand..."
"My people believed that some individuals are born to embody certain virtues... They become exemplars, avatars for their people." he explained... And yes, Kaidan did remember him having told them about that... "Many of such avatars can be found on the Normandy. Your Commander is an avatar of Hope among your people. But Hope can't survive without Faith."
"Faith?"
"Faith, belief, conviction. The very thing that keeps Hope alive, drives it forward, gives Hope a fighting chance to finally complete its journey and evolve into a state of Victory. You are an exemplar of Faith, Major. You'd give your life before you'd let the horrors of this war compromise your noble ideals, and destroy your very identity. In many ways, you embody the very soul of this cycle. And it's that soul that Commander Shepard is fighting so hard to protect and preserve. This is why a single man can be turned into such a formidable weapon against the machines."
Kaidan was speechless. Of all the things he'd expected Javik to say, this wasn't what he'd imagined... And the strangest thing was how much impact these words seemed to be having on him. How much strength and courage could be gathered from simple words. Did Javik really believe that, or did his perceptive abilities just made him incredibly adept at saying exactly what others truly needed to hear? Perhaps the consort Sha'ira was part prothean...
But no, something in the way Javik was looking at him made him feel that he was being honest... And Kaidan didn't quite know how to respond. He'd never felt comfortable being the center of attention or praises... The whole ceremony they'd held to celebrate his nomination as a Spectre had made him feel very uncomfortable, yet he'd managed to play along because he knew how important happy celebrations were to people in times of war.
"I... Thank you Javik... That... uh... Means a lot." He finally managed to say, receiving a nod from the prothean.
"And what about Liara?" he asked, eager to shift the attention to someone else.
"Liara is Knowledge. She is the guardian of secrets and traditions, the chronicler... It is a very powerful if misunderstood avatar. One that often comes with loneliness, yet also carries with it the gift of wisdom. Protheans often believed that the ones guarding and telling the story had the ability and even the responsibility to shape the future, and to be the guides of their people... Even when all of us are dead and gone, her contribution will still be what inspires future generations."
By the end of his speech, Liara was blushing, and her eyes were glistening with restrained emotion. "I... Thank you... I didn't know..."
"That other people took notice of the work you did for us, and appreciated it?" Kaidan said, smiling warmly at her.
"I guess I always thought that it wasn't all that important... My fascination with history and civilisations has always been a personal quirk of mine..."
"And one that has an important role to play... Or else I wouldn't be entrusting you with my own memories..." Javik added, seemingly smiling at her.
"Thank you... If I survive this, I promise you that I'll make sure your people's story gets told, Javik." she answered gratefully.
"And that is all I can ask." he said.
They stayed together in silence for a few minutes, contemplating what had just been said, until Javik spoke again.
"We will be arriving at Cerberus headquarters in a few hours. Perhaps you should spend what remaining time you have with your Commander..."
Kaidan had to smile at the way that Javik had said "your" Commander.
"If I can manage to convince him to take a break from his work, that is."
"If Commander Shepard isn't prepared for the assault right now, then I fear he never will be. But it's always good to remind him what he's fighting for."
Kaidan nodded, and stood up, making his way to the bar and grabbing two glasses...
"You know, and I'm probably going to regret asking later but... Do you guys have any idea where the crew went? Is everyone else okay?"
"Do you want the official, or the actual version?" Javik asked.
"Huh... official ?" That sounded much safer, at least...
"Then I believe that Dr. Chakwas is giving Engineer Adams a complete medical examination in the medical bay; Garrus Vakarian is still helping Tali'Zorah recover from her previous intoxicated state; Engineers Daniels and Donnelly have locked the engineering deck in order not to be distracted as they complete a few last minute adjustments to the eezo core drive; Lieutenant Vega, Lieutenant Cortez, and Specialist Traynor have joined Diana Allers in her quarters for a group interview; and Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau is assisting EDI in testing the limits of her mobile platform's adaptability to various infiltration scenarios..." Javik explained.
Kaidan closed his eyes and ran his forearm across his forehead, trying to get rid of the disturbing mental images his brain had just conjured up. "Yeah, I really shouldn't have asked..."
"Everyone's doing just fine, Kaidan." Liara said, smiling at him. "Now just go make sure that Shepard isn't driving himself mad over last minute preparations."
He smiled back at her "I will... And Javik, I'm truly glad and honored that we have you fighting by our side. And I sure hope that your faith in us isn't misplaced."
"Do not trouble yourself with thoughts of failure or success. For even now, the Reapers will have failed to destroy this cycle's very spirit. The fact that so many races are willing to stand together against a common enemy proves it. However, I do hope that you and your Commander will both emerge victorious from this war... Or that, if you do not, fate will be kind enough to allow you to leave the battlefield as one."
"Lest hope turns to vengeance..." Kaidan said, a quiet understanding passing between them.
"...or faith, to cold resolve." Javik added, looking back at him intently.
Both of them had experienced loss on a very intimate level; although thankfully, in Kaidan's case, Shepard's return had reawakened the part of himself that was truly alive. They both knew and understood what it felt like to be the one left standing after your whole world had collapsed...
And if Kaidan had to choose between dying by Shepard's side, or surviving on his own, he already knew what option he would choose... As terrible as it may have sounded, he also found himself wishing that Shepard be spared the same pain...
"Thank you Javik, and have a good night... Both of you."
"Thanks Kaidan, you too." Liara replied, as Kaidan left to go grab the bottle of TM-88 Peruvian Whiskey that Shepard had offered him during his first visit back at the hospital. Well, the first visit that Kaidan could actually remember, that is. Since that gift had marked the start of them trying to actively reconnect with one another, it seemed appropriate that they drink it now together, on the eve of the first phase of a battle that would end up deciding their whole future...
Not to mention that it could also serve as the perfect excuse, should Shepard attempt to resist the distraction. After all, Kaidan wasn't the only one with the habit of being pretty stubborn.
When he finally made it to Shepard's cabin, he almost bumped into him, datapad in hand.
"Can't sleep either?" he asked, waiting to see if Shepard would keep walking out of his quarters and if he should follow or...
But he simply shook his head and replied "No.", stepping a bit to the side to let Kaidan in.
"Making yourself crazy with this won't help." he said, making his way to the lounging area.
"Kaidan... I need to..." Shepard tried to interrupt, though he still closed the door behind him.
"Shhh... Just take five minutes. A quick drink. And then I'll go." he said with a little shrug of the shoulders, trying to sound very casual about it... But the little smile on Shepard's lips and the soft look in his eyes told him that his lover wasn't duped. Still, he apparently chose to indulge him.
"Shepard, you know that you've done everything you could, right?" he asked as he poured them their drinks, waiting for Shepard to reach him.
"I hope so. I keep running the numbers to see if I've missed something." he replied as Kaidan handed him his glass, looking pensive. If it was up to him, Kaidan was under the impression that his lover would end up spending the whole night awake, compulsively making sure that no mistake was being made, although Shepard had probably already checked a few hundred times every single thing that he remotely had the competence to verify on this ship.
"You don't have to take this all on yourself. Look to your crew, to the talented people fighting by your side." he reminded him, letting Shepard take the whiskey bottle from his hand and make his way towards his large L shaped couch. "What you've accomplished since the Reapers arrived is... this is nothing short of amazing." he added sincerely, while they sat down facing each other, their knees almost touching.
Shepard didn't say anything, but took a large draft of the whiskey, before setting the glass on the table. He did look worried, but it was a far cry from that other time where he'd just sat there, head in hands, lost and broken.
"It's... It's going to be... It's going to be what it is." Kaidan said, trying to look for the right words... The right way to express that no matter what would happen; it was out of his lover's hands now. Shepard had done everything he could. Now, all they had left to do was to put their plans in motion, and fight. On some level, thankfully, he believed that Shepard knew...
"What are you thinking about right now?" Shepard asked, apparently willing to let go of that subject and bring the focus back on them instead. Something for which Kaidan was grateful.
"The good times and the... the hard times." he began, realizing with a little laugh that they had almost succeeded in packing up a lifetime of adventures in the length of just three years. "It's been an unforgettable few years. You were always so focused on the work back then. The mission was everything." he added, remembering what it had been like in that 1st year when he'd met Shepard, serving with him on the Normandy SR-1. To be fair, Kaidan had been pretty focused on the mission himself, putting duty above any personal wants.
"It's true. I'll never know what I missed." Shepard acknowledged "You're exactly what I need right now... Kaidan." he said, his arms moving around Kaidan's waist and sliding under his shirt, delicately caressing the sensitive curve on his lower back. No matter how many times he'd heard Shepard whisper his name like that... With so much love and desire... It still made his whole being shiver.
Kaidan's left hand rose to delicately cup the side of his jaw, as his right hand went to support the back of his neck, slowly guiding him into a very loving and tender kiss. He then rested his forehead against his, looking back in Shepard's eyes a bit sheepishly while affectionately holding his chin.
"I lied." he admitted "I didn't come here for a quick drink."
Shepard smiled back, his gaze both soft and amused, letting it be pretty clear that he'd already figured that much... and wasn't particularly in any mood to object. He gently pushed Kaidan back and positioned himself above him... A loving and playful look on his face.
For the next few hours... There was no war, no Reapers, no world ending... No great problem needing to be solved, no duty waiting to be fulfilled, no responsibility weighting heavily on one's shoulders...
These few hours belonged entirely to them... And as they took comfort in one another, it felt as though nothing in the universe mattered more than this moment they shared. A precious gift amidst the chaos... The only thing that still felt purely solid and... real.
Though by now, they had already been given the opportunity to explore every inch of each other's bodies; their lovemaking felt remarkably familiar, yet entirely new... As if they were rediscovering each other all over again, but without the usual jittery fear and anticipation of the first times. Tonight, they felt perfectly at peace, entirely trusting, sharing their hearts, minds, and bodies without any doubts or restraints.
Just as they did on the battlefield, they moved as one... Instinctively responding to each other's actions and tuning in to their partner's needs.
But while these brief waking hours had fully belonged to them, once they fell asleep, Shepard's dreams still came. And this time, it wasn't only the setting around him that was burning, but himself. He guessed that you could only seek to escape your worries and the world for so long. Still, he was grateful... Some spent their entire lives without ever finding someone to share it with. Shepard had found love with the most beautiful, generous, and selfless man he had ever known. Someone whose very existence he now felt irrevocably tied to. Something that both thrilled and scared him, as he couldn't shake the feeling that whatever would be required of him to give in the upcoming fight, Kaidan's fate would inevitably be connected to his own.
But as much as he wished that he could protect him... Send him away from all the danger and keep him safe, the truth was that he couldn't imagine doing this on his own. Kaidan's gentle strength, understanding, love and support was what was still giving him the force to fight. For better or for worse, he could no longer believe that he could make it on his own...
"What's up?" Kaidan asked, still sounding a bit confused and sleepy, as he lazily stretched across the bed and allowed his eyes to adjust to the ambient light. Shepard was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking down, his back turned to him.
"Are we going to make it, Kaidan?" he asked.
Yes. No. Maybe. I hope so. Even if we don't, I refuse to consider the thought of ever leaving you...
He wanted to find a way to comfort him, but they were passed the point where empty promises and false reassurances uttered in order to make one feel better could still have any effect on them.
Somehow, saying anything along the lines of "it'll be alright" not only lacked sincerity, but seemed to make everything appear even worse. It may have still worked back in the days when they were going after Saren, back when they didn't yet fully grasp what they were truly going to be up against. But now...
Kaidan sighed, sitting up a bit next to Shepard, and putting a comforting hand on his back.
"We're ready..." he answered, knowing that it was the very best and honest answer that he could manage to offer under the circumstances. "You've put the people together, the vision... And what you've done, Shepard, is build hope."
"I'm glad I inspire that in you, but sometimes..." Shepard whispered quietly, looking away briefly and wondering if, this time, "hope" was going to be anywhere enough to allow any of them to pull through...
But as he looked back at Kaidan, he once again felt something stir deep within him. He could see that not only did this wonderful man love him with all his heart... But more importantly, he believed in him, unconditionally. Kaidan's gaze upon him was steady, open, loving, and unafraid. And if his lover sincerely had faith that they had a chance to do this...
"You're right." he said, lovingly caressing the side of Kaidan's face, feeling him lean into his touch, before lazily trailing his hand across his chest. "Give us hope and a fighting chance. Hell, the Reapers better watch themselves."
And he sealed that promise with a kiss.