Hope and a Fighting Chance
by The Lost Girl
SPOILERS: Everything up to and including Mass Effect 3's ending.
SUMMARY: "Give us hope and a fighting chance. Hell, the Reapers better watch themselves." Every hero needs a hero every now and then. And Kaidan is exactly what Shepard needs.
DISCLAIMERS: All the characters in the story belong to Bioware, and whoever else has the rights on Mass Effect. Some quotes will directly be borrowed from the games.
WARNING: Eventual character(s) death(s).
Hope and a Fighting Chance
Chapter 6...
They ran... through the smoke, and death, and the debris of rocks, tanks and gunships exploding... Bigger targets only seemed to make it easier for Harbinger to lock its giant red laser beam on them; but they also made it trickier for the ones running to stay on course, as well as to avoid getting caught in the explosions. And since the gunships that did manage to get through needed to fly below the level of the conduit's interference, they almost had to duck to avoid those, too.
It was hard to breathe... hard to see... The smoke was hot, thick, and heavy with the smell of burnt flesh and blood... Kaidan felt as though his eyes and lungs were on fire; and all the lights and noises surrounding them did nothing to help with his concentration either. Still, he pressed on, managing to stay right on Shepard's heels... Trying his best to ignore the soldiers dying and burning around them...
He almost had to wonder if Harbinger was trying to shoot at everyone but Shepard. Keeping him for last so that he could fully bear witness to all the horror and devastation that this war had brought them... Or perhaps they were just incredibly lucky. If you considered being the galactic community's last hope for survival being "lucky".
They'd been running for... what? Seconds? Minutes? From down here, time appeared to stretch into an eternity... The conduit's beam was only a few feet away now... almost within reach... That's when Kaidan noticed that the sky had started glowing red, right above their heads...
"SHEPARD!" he tried to yell above the noise, quickly summoning a large barrier of dark energy to envelop both Shepard and himself within it, trying to absorb as much energy from the Reaper's laser as he could, hoping that it would allow their shields to hold against the searing heat for a while longer. He saw Shepard instinctively raise his arm to cover his face from the blast.
For a few seconds, the pressure in his head kept building as he tried to keep his barrier holding, until he felt something large and blunt, probably a rock debris, hit him in the stomach and send him flying across the field. There was a sudden sharp pain to the back of his head and in his lower back as he finally hit the ground, then everything went black...
When Kaidan slowly came to, the first thing he noticed was the throbbing, pulsing pain in the back of his head... Though it wasn't all that different from the usual discomfort he got from some of his worst flare ups and could thus still bring himself to think through it. The area where his bio-amps port was situated, right at the base of his skull, seemed to be especially painful. Reaching there with his right hand, he could feel that the port was dented, seemed to be overheated and also felt something very wet leaking from it... Bringing his hand back to front of his face to look at it, he could see that it was covered in blood. Okay, not good... but at least, he was still alert and thinking, so there was that. Now, if he could just get up...
That's when he noticed that he could no longer feel his legs. Sitting up slowly and with great effort, fighting back the nausea and dizziness, he discovered that it was probably a very good thing, too. His legs were pinned down under a very large boulder... Though considering its size, "crushed" might have been a more adequate term. So getting up wasn't an option...
Trying to ignore the nauseating smell of smoke and death, he tried to focus on his surroundings instead... Scanning the battlefield for any sign of life, he noticed that the few soldiers that were still moving didn't seem to be in any better shape. He could hear a few moans of pain here and there; see some of them crawling on the ground, limbs bent at odd angles... But it didn't look like any of them could still walk, much less fight...
He still kept searching though, his heart stuck in his throat, for the one he most wished and dreaded to find. Eventually, he saw him... Shepard was lying on his back, still just a few feet away from the conduit. From a distance, it seemed that he had suffered from some severe burns, which he'd probably received after his barrier had collapsed, but was otherwise whole. He couldn't see if he was still breathing, though, and that had him greatly worried.
Looking up, he saw that Harbinger was flying away from the battle, which meant that the Reaper probably didn't expect any more of them to still manage to get up and make it to the conduit, if any of them had at been able to reach it all, that was... Either that, or its attention was needed elsewhere... trying to attack the fleets defending the Crucible, maybe? Especially if they now had some of their people inside the Citadel, trying to open its arms. He could only hope... However, there was a horde of marauders, husks, and other Reapers mutated creatures making their way towards them in the distance.
"God... they're all gone..."
It sounded like the voice of Major Coats, but Kaidan couldn't be quite sure... He'd stayed with the transports to supervise the assault and try to coordinate with the other teams in case Hammer wasn't successful in reaching the beam. From the sound of his voice, he could tell that it appeared that their attempt was considered a failure.
"Did you get anyone to the beam?" he heard someone else ask...
"Negative. Our entire force was decimated." Well, that answered his question as to whether anyone else had actually managed to make it onto the Citadel.
If they pulled back now, they risked losing the Crucible... And if they lost the Crucible, he had no idea how they would be able to remain in the fight. Kaidan had to do something... Anything...
If Shepard was still alive, maybe he would still be able to reach the conduit. Perhaps if he used his biotics to give him a little nudge... he would wake up. It's not like he had a lot to lose by trying. The only other plan he had was to use his biotics to remove the boulder from his legs, then ideally try to come up with and maintain a biotic float all the way down to the conduit... or else, crawl as fast as he possibly could towards it... All the while fending off the Reapers' army that most probably would have managed to reach them by the time he'd managed to make it there... And, of course, pray that he wouldn't end up bleeding to death in the process with the rock no longer exerting any pressure on his legs.
So yeah, waking up Shepard and praying that he could still manage to make it there was still his best option.
The slight electrical jolt he received when he tried to activate his biotics stopped him from completing his move, though. He tried to give a little push to one of the larger concrete blocks that was at about the same distance as Shepard, several feet to his left, and the force of the impact made it explode instead, completely vaporized.
Kaidan's hands flew to his forehead and he closed his eyes tightly, trying to recover from the sharp pain... There was also a metallic scent and taste in his nose and the back of his mouth... A nosebleed... The last time he'd overused his powers strongly enough to give himself an actual nosebleed was back in his BAaT training days.
But he knew what was happening... At the very least, he had a pretty fair idea. When he'd told Shepard that his implant had been "rattled", there had been a little more to it. But since Dr. Michel had assured him that everything was perfectly under control, and that the safety mechanisms they'd installed would hold as long as he managed to avoid any major head injury, he had preferred to keep the details to himself. Even Dr. Chakwas hadn't objected, and thought that it was probably a good idea considering how fast Shepard tended to get worried. She'd offered to keep monitoring his implant and its modifications at close intervals in order to ensure that it was still perfectly safe to use, and that he remained fit for duty. And so far, everything had worked perfectly fine.
Basically, when Dr. Eva had rammed his head several times into that shuttle, nearly killing him, he'd suffered from a brief implant overload that had ended up frying some of its circuitry, and modifying how strongly the implant was responding to his neural impulses. As a result, his ability to generate mass effect fields and maintain them had grown ridiculously strong. However, considering that the human body simply wasn't built to handle as much static electrical charge, these new "superpowers" came with a heavy price: if nothing was done, every time he'd try powering up his implant, he'd risk destroying his whole nervous system.
At first, the doctors had considered trying to remove it to have it replaced by an L4 or L5... But his L2 implant was now nearly fused with his brain, and any attempt to do so could very well have resulted in his death, or worse, in plunging him into a permanent vegetative state.
So they'd ended up opting for a safer option by installing a few mods in order to tone down the signals that the implant would be receiving from his nervous system, ensuring that his powers would never spike above a certain estimated safe level. As a result, he'd ended up receiving a little "boost" to his biotic abilities, but could no longer use different bio-amps. The permanent "amplifier" they'd provided him with was actually meant to ensure that the mods kept functioning properly. It was probably safe to assume that neither the mods nor the amp were still working.
"Alenko..." he heard a weak voice say his name. A voice he'd recognise nearly anywhere.
"Anderson?" he replied hopefully, looking to his right. At first glance, Admiral Anderson's injuries, while severe, didn't appear to be life threatening. At least, not for the time being. He'd managed to stand, and was slowly making his way towards him, limping and dragging his feet, but he was still moving. After reaching him, he nearly collapsed right next to him.
"Has anyone made it?" the Admiral asked, his face falling as he saw Kaidan slightly shake his head "no".
"I'm sorry, I heard Major Coats over the radio and it would appear that none of our troops have made it."
As if on cue, the Major's voice came back over the intercoms once again "It's too much. We need to regroup. Fall back to the buildings..."
"Hammer's wiped out... All forces... retreat. Pull back! Pull back!" another marine confirmed, transmitting the order to the rest of the squads.
"We won't get another chance." Anderson stated dejectedly.
"I know, Sir... I was just..." Shepard! In the distance, he could see that not only was Shepard awake, but he'd managed to manoeuvre himself into a standing position, and was now slowly trying to make his way towards the beam, keeping his promise. Perhaps there was still hope yet.
"Shepard might be needing assistance... Can you make it to the conduit?" he asked the Admiral, keeping his eyes trained on the quickly approaching Reapers horde, a plan quickly forming in his mind. I'm so sorry, Shepard, he thought regretfully, but it looks like I'll be the one waiting…
"Even if I could manage to run over there, there's no way that I'd be able to make it before the Reapers forces have reached us. I don't even see how Shepard can hope to get to the beam before they arrive."
He just needed the Reapers to get a little closer...
"Forget the Reapers. Anderson, can you manage to stand up and make a run for it, yes or no?" he asked again with a determined expression. If there was even a remote chance that the Admiral could make it, that meant that he'd have to make sure not to use up all of his strength and concentration at once, and hold on just a while longer...
"Probably, but I don't see how..." Anderson begun, confused, only to have Kaidan interject.
"Remember how people always say that L2s tend to be highly unstable, and that it's better to avoid provoking them?" he asked, bringing his focus back to the nearing Reapers troops... They were almost there…
"Maybe..."
"Well the Reapers really pissed me off!" Kaidan said, suddenly activating his biotics and quickly projecting a mass effect field large and far enough to stop the Reapers from advancing any further. He expended it so that it surrounded them like a gigantic dome, preventing any from attacking them from the sides or from above. For a moment it wavered a bit, allowing a few husks and what appeared to be a marauder to venture in... Hopefully, Shepard would be able to deal with them. But then Kaidan quickly adjusted to the amount of dark energy needed to maintain it and keep it stable... At least, for a time.
"My god..." he heard Anderson whisper in shock and awe... "...how is that even possible? The energy required for..."
"How about you figure it out once you've reached the conduit? I don't mean to rush you, but I don't think that I'll be able to do this trick twice!" Kaidan said imperatively.
Looking at the young man, Anderson quickly understood what he meant. Kaidan's whole body was shaking badly, and there was a trickle of blood steadily running out of his nose and ears... The efforts needed to maintain such an immense field were slowly killing him... But he couldn't ask him to stop as the Major was providing them with the best chance, perhaps the only chance they had to succeed in opening the Citadel's arms and allowing the Crucible to dock.
"It's been an honor, Major." he said, his voice filled with gratitude and sadness. It was no secret that Admiral Anderson was the kind of leader that cared deeply about the people under his command, and often took the time to get to know them. Kaidan Alenko was not only one of the finest and very best officers he'd had the pleasure of working with, but over the years serving together, had also become a very dear friend.
Kaidan nodded slightly, maintaining his concentration. "Please keep him safe..." he whispered quietly, and Anderson felt his heart break a little, having known about Shepard and Kaidan's relationship for some time now, long before anyone had been able to confirm it. The Admiral was many things, but blind and oblivious wasn't one of them. He'd always suspected that there was something there, ever since he'd witnessed Kaidan's reaction following Sovereign's defeat. The absolutely broken and defeated look followed by the intense relief and joy as Shepard had come back to them, stepping over the rubbles, making his way directly towards the other man…
"I will son, I will…" he promised, knowing that it was the very last bit of comfort he could offer him. And, ignoring the pain and the weakness in his abused muscles and articulations, he stood up and began moving as fast as he possibly could towards the beacon, unholstering his side arm and keeping it trained upon the Reapers, in case some of them would manage to push pass the protective mass effect field.
Meanwhile, Kaidan tried to keep his breathing slow and even, doing his best to ignore the pulsing pain in the back of his head; and the numb, tingling sensation that was starting to spread across his entire body like a strong, warm electrical current that was slowly building. He could hear his heart pounding in his chest, fighting to keep him alive despite the intense stress that his body and mind was being subjected to.
He just needed to remain conscious and hold on a while longer... Shepard had almost succeeded in making it to the beam, and Anderson was halfway there already... He only needed to maintain the field until they'd both reached it, and then... then it wouldn't matter.
Let yourself become one with the energy surrounding you... Reach out for that point in time and space where each living creature... every spiritual entity... everything that exists all around us becomes part of a greater whole, forever connected... Understand that your physical body is but a vessel for the true power that lies within you... A pale reflection of the person you truly are... Do not fear that power, but embrace it.
Thane's words, which he'd spoken during one of their guided meditation sessions, now resounded in his mind. He could feel himself grow more and more disconnected from his own body... Though he could still sense the air coming in and out of his lungs, tinged with blood... hear the sound of his racing heart... feel the dull ache and pressure in his head, and all over his body...
The sensations themselves had become distant... Like an echo that no longer seemed to quite belong to him. However, he could feel the edges of the mass effect field that he was maintaining with perfect clarity... Almost as if the Reapers creatures were pushing directly against himself, and all that he had to do to stop them was push back.
You know it's the right choice, LT.
My son only acted in self defense! If the turian government wants to press the issue, they'll have to go through me first!
Can you believe it, Alenko? We're going to assist a real Council Spectre! Can't wait to see Nilhus in action!
Every hero needs a hero every now and then, Kaidan. I think you should be his.
I'm sorry, Kaidan, after what happened, I... They're shutting off Brain Camp and my dad wants me to go back home... It's probably better if we don't see each other again...
Sacrifice one to save the many...
The ocean is full of life, yet it is not life as you and I know it. To survive there, we must release our hold on land. Accept a new way to live.
Hope can't survive without Faith...
Come on Kaidan, fight.
You chose to become a soldier, and you chose to put yourself in harm's way to protect a friend. That's all part of who you are, and I am grateful.
I'd tell you just how very beautiful you are to me... And just how much I love you and need you right now.
I love you, Kaidan...
As Shepard finally reached the conduit and he watched him being absorbed by the beam of light, Kaidan kept hearing voices from his past... Moments that had played a significant role in his life... in the choices that he had made... Bits and flashes reminding him of the journey he had taken to get there.
If he was still breathing, it was now so shallow that he could no longer consciously feel it... And his heart was beating much slower now, almost sluggishly, and at odd intervals. The pain was gone, and the only thing left of the previous tingling sensation was the feeling of intense warmth and built up energy that had taken hold of his entire body. It kept screaming for release, and Kaidan knew that he wouldn't be able to contain it much longer...
Thankfully, Anderson was now reaching the conduit... "See you on the other side, Shepard." Kaidan whispered quietly, calling back the dark energy field to his body and combining it with the static electrical charge that had been accumulated, before releasing both all at once in a massive shockwave that ended up obliterating any Reapers creatures standing more than three feet from the ground for several feet passed the conduit; taking out the bulk of the horde.
His body then collapsed, a great feeling of calm, peace, and absolute weakness washing over him. Kaidan let his eyes close and gently surrendered to it, knowing that anything that remained to be done was a battle that he could no longer fight... At least, not from this side...
Besides, he'd always wanted to learn how to float...
They'd done it. They'd gotten the Citadel's arms to open, allowing the Crucible to dock. The Illusive Man had even gotten the chance to redeem himself. Shepard wouldn't exactly call him a hero, considering that he didn't quite know how many of Cerberus' previous horrors had been a result of his own megalomaniac schemes instead of a direct result of indoctrination... But in the end, he'd been able to break free of the Reapers' control long enough to end his own life, thus allowing Shepard and Anderson to complete their mission. At the very least, his desire to protect humanity had been genuine, no matter how misguided his attempts.
Shepard was now sitting next to Anderson, watching Earth and the fight between Sword and the Reapers from the gigantic window in front of them.
"We did it." he said, seeing the Admiral nod slowly, visibly exhausted. They were both in pretty bad shape, barely holding it together... And without the adrenaline rush to keep them going, trying to move their limbs felt like trying to move underwater. Even the sound of their voices seemed to Shepard oddly distant, and out of focus.
"Yes, we did." Anderson finally replied, taking a good look at the planet they had fought so hard to protect. "It's quite a view..."
"Best seats in the house." he said, trying his best to ignore the sharp pain that the simple effort to speak brought in his left side. Everything hurt right now... From breathing, to just trying to maintain a sitting position.
"God... feels like years since I just sat down." the other man remarked, and Shepard could only imagine what it must have been like... Trying to organize the resistance back on Earth, right in the very heart of the war... Keeping everything from falling apart while his own team was doing their best to rally as many allies as they possibly could from all over the galaxy. Despite everything, the time they'd spent on the Normandy while traveling from one point to another had allowed Shepard and his crew to preserve a certain sense of normality. It had allowed them to rest and gather their strength between missions, and even have the luxury of pursuing relationships. He couldn't help now but think that despite how difficult and perilous some of their missions had been, they'd been the lucky ones.
"I think you earned a rest." he said, feeling a great deal of respect, gratitude, and admiration for the man, and also feeling very privileged to be counted among his friends.
"Anderson?" Shepard asked quickly, having noticed that the Admiral had stopped moving, and looked like he was staring fixedly at a point in the distance.
"Hmmm..." Anderson murmured with a little jolt, as if Shepard's voice had just woken him up.
"Stay with me. We're almost through this." the Commander urged him, trying to hold on for the both of them, thinking of Kahlee Sanders and the fact that she would probably be waiting for him at the end of the war, if she was still safe... Just like he'd promised Kaidan that he would also be waiting...
"You did good, son. You did good. I'm proud of you." Anderson answered, his voice filled with relief, and admiration.
"Thank you, Sir." Shepard replied quietly... For some reason, these simple words, uttered by a man that was one of humanity's greatest heroes, not to mention the closest thing to a father figure that Shepard had ever had, meant more to him than any other form of recognition he'd ever received.
Looking over at his friend and mentor, Shepard noticed that his eyes were closed, and his body was slumped forward slightly, entirely relaxed.
"Anderson?" he asked again, but this time, received no answer. He looked as though he'd just fallen asleep, but Shepard knew by the absolute stillness of his chest and the rest of his body that it wasn't a sleep that he would ever awaken from.
Up until then, he'd been pushing forward, keeping his promise, trying to get the Citadel's arms opened at all costs, and then holding on much for Anderson's sake... hoping to get him safely through all of this... And now... now he just felt alone, and empty. With the Admiral gone and his mission fulfilled, he felt lost... his brain having trouble to identify what came next... what was his next fight...
Looking at the impressive sight in front of him, he realized that his only hope was that somewhere... down there... Kaidan had managed to survive, and would still be waiting for him... If a rescue team would succeed in getting to them in time.
Glancing down at the hand holding the deep wound in his side, covered with an alarming amount of fresh blood, it seemed that time was indeed running very short... Already, he was feeling light headed, nauseated, and cold... fighting the near irresistible urge to just rest... to fall asleep and let go of the pain and the stress and... but then he knew what most likely would happen.
Would it be so bad? Part of him just wanted it to be over... No more fighting, no more hurt, no more nightmares and dark visions... And if Kaidan hadn't been able to make it to the beam yet, then he knew that there were some very strong chances that he had already crossed over... And if he had, then dying would actually turn out to be his only hope of ever seeing him again...
But the thing was that somehow, it didn't feel like Kaidan was gone... Actually, if felt as though he was close by... as if all he'd had to do was turn around, and he would find him standing right there... smiling that little adorable shy smile that he loved so much...
Or maybe the blood loss was beginning to make him delirious...
"Shepard. Commander!" Hackett? And why did he sound like there was some kind of emergency?
"I... What do you need me to do?" he replied, trying to pull himself into a standing position, but falling right back to the ground... His head spinning badly and his legs now much too weak to manage to sustain his own weight...
"Nothing's happening. The Crucible's not firing. It's got to be something on your end." Hackett went on to explain, as Shepard resorted to dragging himself across the floor in order to try to reach the control panel.
"Commander Shepard!" Hackett said more urgently.
"I don't see... I'm not sure how to..." Shepard finally replied, desperately trying to pull himself up to reach the panel... Not now... I've got to... he thought, but then both his arms and legs entirely gave out, the darkness closing in on him dangerously fast...
"Commander?" he heard Hackett's voice ask again, and everything went black...
The darkness was soon replaced by a warm, vibrant light, and Shepard found himself standing in the middle of what seemed like a vast, endless white room...
But there was something very strange about that whiteness, as if it wasn't actually part of this place, but something that had been placed over his own eyes... like some kind of giant, shifting veil that covered things that he wasn't yet supposed to see. Still, at the same time, it all felt intimately familiar... a bit like he'd been here before, but couldn't quite remember... at least, not on a conscious level.
That's when he noticed that there were shadows moving beyond, and within the veil. Some seemed to be gathered together, others moved freely... Some even seemed to find some interest in him... moving close... whispering soothing words that he wasn't quite able to understand, but nevertheless felt oddly comforting.
These shadows reminded him, in many ways, of those he had encountered in his dreams. Except there was nothing in his environment to inspire fear or any sense of distress now... To be fair, the shadows themselves had never been threatening, even in his visions... They'd always seemed a bit out of place, as if they didn't belong to the nightmare, but instead were there to offer support, guidance, and protection. Here, they simply made him feel safe...
Most of them appeared to be representing humans... Some other species, one even reminded him of a geth... But their outlines was difficult for him to see, and if he tried to stare too hard right at them, the glowing aura they emitted only seemed to be shining brighter, with that peculiar luminescence that didn't blind him, but still made it hard for him to distinguish specific traits...
"Hello? Can anyone tell me what I'm supposed to be doing, now?" he called out, wondering for how long he was supposed to just stand there, basking in all the light and whiteness.
That's when he noticed that one of the shadows seemed to be glowing a little bit brighter and stronger than the others, and was making its way directly towards him.
So far, except for a few whispers, none of them had attempted to directly interact with him... But this one both looked and felt different. Shepard couldn't quite explain it, but he felt a very deep, visceral connection to it... It was pulling him towards the shadow like that beacon on Eden Prime, but he had no intention to try to resist the attraction this time.
Actually, he found himself wanting and craving that connection... As if that shadow was already part of his very being... as if it completely belonged to him, somehow. So, as it stopped right in front of him, and extended what appeared to have the vague outline of a hand towards his left cheek, Shepard found himself instinctively closing his eyes, and leaning into the touch, trusting the entity with everything he was...
Suddenly, he was back on Earth, looking over the battlefield where Hammer had made its final stand. He watched dispassionately as he found himself staring at Kaidan's pale, lifeless body from above... Eyes closed, right arm resting on his stomach while the other one had fallen to his side... Legs stuck under a large piece of concrete... He hovered above it for a few seconds, feeling oddly disconnected from the vision, yet slightly hesitating to let go... until a much stronger force, coming from beyond the conduit, compelled him to abandon what now seemed to be to him just an empty shell, so small and meaningless, and go answer its call.
He flew with great speed towards the beam, reaching its light within moments, and soon found himself on the Citadel, slowly walking by "his" side.
Shepard could see himself limping towards the control room... Trying to reach Anderson as they both exchanged words on their intercoms. He didn't pay so much attention to what was being said, though... Instead, he kept his focus on trying to help "himself" maintain his strength. Share his own energy if need be in order to allow "himself" to keep going.
As he watched, Shepard was near overwhelmed with pure feelings of love, compassion, and a deep understanding that went far beyond what most people could ever experience in life...
That's when he finally understood... These visions he was now having... All of these feelings he was experiencing... They weren't his. They were Kaidan's.
Through a process that wasn't unlike what Shepard had experienced when sharing memories with Liara or even Javik, but at the same time much deeper; Kaidan was allowing him to experience his own memories from the very moment he'd died, until now.
Leaving his empty, worn out physical body behind in order to follow Shepard through the beam... Inspiring him to keep on going and fighting as he painfully made his way to the control room... Helping his mind fight back against the Illusive Man's attempt to control them... And also, helping the Illusive Man clear his own mind long enough for him to do the only thing that could free him from the indoctrination. Staying by Anderson's side in his final moments, and gently helping his soul to cross over, before going back to Shepard and doing all he could to provide him with some comfort... to make him feel that he wasn't alone...
The reason why he'd felt like Kaidan had been close by was because, in truth, he had never left. Even beyond life, his lover had kept his promise to never let go... refusing to let him face all of this on his own. The knowledge of it was a bit overwhelming, yet Shepard couldn't help but feel intense joy, and relief.
The visions were starting to fade though... Afraid to lose the connection and unprepared for the moment to end, Shepard instinctively pushed deeper, his mind searching actively for Kaidan's, demanding further access. At first, he felt a surprised resistance, and feared that he would suddenly find himself standing again in the middle of all the whiteness, in front of a quickly retreating shadow...
But then, he felt Kaidan's own personal energy immediately relax, apparently amused, even, and all of the mental barriers between them collapsed at once.
There were no words to adequately describe what happened next... Other than what could perhaps be called a perfect communion of souls. Kaidan's entire life memories and experiences... every past thoughts and feelings... everything that made up the very fabric of who he once had been, and the person he now was were suddenly passed onto him. But unlike the cipher and the prothean beacons, this time, he was fully able to process and integrate all of the information he was receiving; while also transmitting his own entire life experiences to Kaidan.
They got to "know" each other in a way that Shepard would never have dreamed possible... Relive all the important moments in their relationship through each others' very own feelings and perceptions, including the very depth of their love and devotion for one another. The communication between them was very pure, and simply perfect...
As the feeling slowly subsided and they gradually regained their own sense of individuality, Shepard noticed that something about his environment seemed to have changed... He wasn't standing alone anymore, but felt two strong arms encircling his waist, holding him securely against a very solid chest...
Slowly opening his eyes, he now found himself staring back into the deep brown eyes of his lover, who was now holding him there, where they both stood, and was smiling warmly at him.
"Hey, there you are..." Shepard said, making Kaidan chuckle. He was still the same man he'd fallen in love with, though there was something different about him, too. He looked a bit younger, more carefree. The usual restraint in his general behavior appeared to be gone also. And most important of all, he seemed at peace, and happy.
"You surprised me a little back there... I didn't quite expect you to remember how to communicate like that..." he said, explaining why he'd initially resisted Shepard's "intrusion".
"Remember..." the other man trailed off...
"You were here before... For quite some time, actually... Back on Earth, it appeared only as two years, but for me, I remember it feeling like an eternity..."
"Then why can't I recall most of it?" Shepard asked, wondering why the whole world around them still looked and felt so blurry...
"It's too much for a living mind to process..." Kaidan explained, making the Commander slowly come to another realization.
"I'm not dead..." he stated, barely above a whisper.
"No, but you are close... Your physical body has lost a lot of blood and is slowly failing... Your cybernetics are doing all they can to repair part of the damage, and keep you alive. Your soul is hovering between life and death... And since your link to this place has never been entirely severed, you came back here to recover... Because you don't quite fully belong here yet, however, everything must appear to be heavily veiled to you." he explained patiently, as Shepard began to make sense of what was happening to him...
He frowned "But I can perfectly see, hear and touch you..."
Kaidan laughed "Yeah, about that... Don't know how exactly you managed it, but it seems that you've somehow decided that I belong with you; no matter which side of the veil we're both standing on. Not that I'm complaining, mind you."
"You better not..." Shepard replied, leaning in to kiss him... As their lips met, he felt that connection between them open again, experiencing the kiss as one, while also noticing many little different things... The lack of breath or heartbeat, for starters... The way that his "skin" was much more sensitive to touch, almost having a life of its own... The soft vibrations that were running through their bodies, back and forth between them, in accordance with their feelings... Everything about that kiss was both very familiar, and excitingly new.
Thane's sea analogy about needing to embrace a new way of "living" was starting to feel more and more accurate. And about Thane...
"What about the others?" he asked, after the kiss had ended.
"You can't see them, but they're here..." Kaidan said, looking at the few shadows that had now gathered around them, forming a circle. Great, and now we're giving them quite the show... Shepard thought, nevertheless snuggling closer into Kaidan's arms.
"...well, except for Javik. He had quite the welcoming party, considering that he's kept his friends and family waiting for about 50 000 years. He sends his regards, though, and said that he has complete trust in your ability to end this war once and for all, and in the best possible manner. He'll probably try to catch up later, too." he added, making Shepard straighten up a little to look back into his eyes.
"Wait... If I'm dying, how am I supposed to win the war?" he asked, vaguely remembering his last moments back at the Citadel... Hackett's voice, telling him that the Crucible wasn't firing... Passing out before he'd managed to reach the control panel. Oh god... How could he have forgotten about it? The people back there were still fighting! They still needed him! He had to go back and find a way to help them.
"Wake up!" he heard an unfamiliar voice tell him, as Kaidan began to shift in and out of focus. His first instinct was to panic and cling to him.
"Shhh... It's okay..." his lover whispered soothingly, running his hand up and down his back "...I'm never letting you go, remember? I promise to be right by your side, ready to guide you back home when the fight is over."
"Will I remember any of this?" Shepard found himself asking, though he already suspected the answer.
"When you get back here, you will... Until then, you should still be able carry with you the feeling of peace you got from this place, and the strength you will need to complete your journey... Part of you should also retain the knowledge that you have nothing to fear, and that I will be waiting for you..." he explained, giving him a last kiss and stepping back from him, smiling reassuringly.
Shepard returned his smile, feeling a bit nervous, but ready to face whatever was to come... He found some comfort in the knowledge that their separation would only be temporary, and that Kaidan would be with him along the way. He kept his eyes on his love for as long as he possibly could... Slowly watching the world around them dissolve into a quiet, numbing darkness, until he could no longer feel, hear, think, or see.
As Shepard slowly came back to his senses, the first thing that he became aware of was that everything hurt... His arms, his head, his chest... There was a dull ache all over his body and he couldn't quite figure out what had just happened. He slowly managed to manoeuvre himself into a kneeling position, taking support on his arms to try to get himself to stand, but ended up staying on all four instead while trying to clear his mind.
He saw a child walk up to him in the distance... His body seemed to be made of pure energy. Great. Hallucinations! he thought, closing his eyes in the hopes that it would make them go away.
"Wake up!" the energy child said imperatively, having apparently reached him. Well, so much for his hallucinations staying quiet.
He eventually managed to stand up and took in his surroundings. This was like no other place he'd ever been before... He was standing underneath what appeared to be a giant glass dome, with at its very center a large structure emitting some kind of blue beaming energy. On one side was come kind of power conduit; while on the other side there was an odd device with what appeared to be two handles. That structure appeared to be right at the junction between the Crucible and the Citadel.
"What? Where am I?" he asked, confused... The last thing he remembered was Admiral Hackett calling out to him on their intercoms, and then trying to reach out for that control panel, only to find himself succumbing to the weakness and the darkness before being able to complete his task.
Had that "child" brought him here? And how?
"The Citadel. It's my home." The child replied in a monotone, almost robotic voice.
Taking a closer look at him, Shepard noticed that he looked suspiciously familiar... His appearance seemed to be based almost exactly on the little boy that had haunted his dreams over the last few months... the one that he had been unable to save... one of his biggest regrets, and failure.
"Who are you?" he asked, troubled that this creature, or entity, whatever it was, would be able to assume a shape that was familiar to its interlocutor, and appeared to be directly connected to a strong emotional response. In his case, guilt. He knew that the Reapers could control minds and thus probably had found a way to have access to people's thoughts, but still, it was making him feel a bit uneasy. He had to wonder if others would see the same thing, or if each person encountering it would end up with an entirely different perception of the energy form in front of him. What was it? A VI? An AI?
"I am the Catalyst." Okay, that didn't quite make any sense... Or maybe he was way too tired for this.
However, from what Shepard was able to gather from this strange creature, it appeared that, at some point in time, many cycles ago, there had been a war between synthetics and organics that had then threatened to bring about the extinction of all organic life. Coming to the conclusion that synthetics would always rebel against their creators, plunging the world into a state of chaos and thus risking to wipe out all organics from the face of the galaxy; the synthetic organisms of that cycle had come up with a very twisted solution.
Every time that a civilization reached a certain level of technological advancement, "they" would come back to harvest the most advanced civilizations of the cycle, storing their "old life" in Reaper form... while the younger "new" life forms were allowed to evolve. Apparently, they also either wiped out or harvested the synthetics, too, since none remained from the precedent cycle either.
The Reapers were thus some strange mix of organics and synthetics, whose ultimate purpose was to harvest the civilizations that they judged represented a risk of bringing about the destruction of all life through the creation of artificial intelligence.
But although their genetic code carried traces of both life forms, the whole reasoning behind their "solution" remained the cold, calculating thinking of pure machines, believing that the only purpose of organic life was survival and reproduction.
That "solution" was based on the assumption that the created rebelling against the creators was always a tragedy that needed to be avoided at all costs. When, in fact, it was all an integral part of life; of a greater process called individuation where a being that began thinking for itself and acquired complex thought patterns needed to ascertain its own identity.
If the creators reacted badly by insisting on keeping absolute control over their creations, as the quarians initially had, then yes, violent confrontation was unavoidable.
But if the creators became aware that their creations were now evolving into fully sentient beings trying to define their own identity, and welcomed the process instead, providing valuable insight and guidance instead of fearing it, then it could very well be avoided.
If anything, the quarians and the geths were living proofs that something greater could be born from the chaos. And all it often took was one solid example of a given situation to set a precedent for the next generations. The alliance between organics and synthetics in that case had opened the door for further collaboration between other organic and synthetic races in the future.
Future "creators" would then be able to draw inspiration from what had been done before, in order to avoid making the same mistakes that had previously lead to destruction and violence.
Life wasn't about simply existing and surviving, it was about learning, growing, and taking risks... If every single time that a civilization reached a certain point in its evolution, the Reapers came back to press the giant "reset" button; then they were destroying the very essence of life.
"But you're taking away our future. Without a future, we have no hope. Without hope... we might as well be machines, programmed to do what we're told." he'd argued, trying to make the Catalyst understand that it simply couldn't go on like this.
"You have hope. More than you think. The fact that you are standing here, the first organic ever, proves it. But it also proves my solution won't work anymore." it had agreed, before offering to collaborate with Shepard in order to find new possibilities...
They were very far from perfect; and all three options suggested involved a fairly high level of risks or potentially negative consequences.
Not to mention that the Reapers had been known for their willingness to manipulate and control organics and synthetics alike in order to fulfil their goals. Therefore, it was hard to believe that everything that the Catalyst was telling him was the absolute truth, especially considering that he had admitted to being the one that controlled the Reapers.
For example, would destroying the Reapers truly result in the entire destruction of all synthetic life, including EDI and the geths? Or was he really willing to assume that it was all a giant lie in order to preserve the Reapers, and risk it?
Would controlling the Reapers and ordering them to leave the galaxy really ensure that they would never come back? And would that preserve synthetic life?
Was the synthesis between organics and synthetics really the final evolution of life, and be the best solution to preserve and save both? The one scenario that ensured a long lasting peace?
Shepard didn't fear what the eventual possibility of further chaos and conflicts would bring, unlike the Catalyst. He had faith in people's ability to learn from their past, and rise up to the new challenges that life brought them, much as the krogans ultimately had.
The most important thing, to him, was breaking the cycle, thus allowing change to occur, and giving a chance for hope to live.
In the end, he had to take a leap of faith, and hope that his choice would end up being the right one. Once that decision was made, there would be nothing more that he would be able do to help, one way or another.
So, as he felt the heat and the light consume his body, Shepard found himself letting go of all thoughts of Reapers, Catalyst, and hard choices. Completely releasing his hold on the world, and blocking the pain; he found himself thinking of Joker, Garrus, Liara, Tali, and all the other wonderful friends and comrades that, over the last few years, had become his family... He prayed that their future would be filled with love, happiness, and many joys and blessings.
He thought of Anderson, Thane, Mordin, Ashley, and all the other friends that he had lost to this war. He thought of the soldiers and other people that had sacrificed their lives in the hope of winning them their future. And he found some comfort in the belief that he would soon be joining them...
And finally, he thought about the man that, over the last few months, had been carrying this fight by his side... the man that had shared his life, his thoughts, his struggles... his love... The one that had stubbornly refused to let him ever give up hope, even when it had seemed that all hope was lost.
He could picture Kaidan in his mind smiling back at him... His eyes filled with the same love, devotion, tenderness, and absolute trust he'd shown on that last night they'd shared together... He could feel his gentle strength... his comforting presence that somehow always managed to reach every fiber of his being...
And when Kaidan's smile grew slightly wider as he extended his hand to Shepard, quickly pulling him into the comfort of his arms when Shepard gladly took it without a moment's hesitation; he let his love safely guide him back towards the place where the traveler never tires, the hungry never starves, and the lover, never leaves.
The End
A/N: Hey guys! This is it. ; b And I want to take the opportunity to thank everyone that's taken the time to read and / or review / fav. this story so far. To quote our dear Shepard: "It's been quite a ride!" : ) Your kind comments and support have been greatly appreciated (and have often kept me motivated enough to make the necessary efforts to update as fast as I possibly could despite my daily concentration / brain fog issues).
Thanks also to those of you that have just stumbled upon this story, and are taking the time to read and / or review / fav. it now as well! : ) Welcome aboard!
Regarding the ending, I know that some of you were hoping that I would come up with a completely alternate version to what happened in the game… Change Bioware's intended ending (that's been the recipient of a lot of anger and criticism from the fans, much of it being justified, IMHO) and create my own conclusion... Sadly, that was never the plan.
This story was inspired by my own experience playing the ManShep / Kaidan romance; and I really wanted to make it all about these two wonderful characters and their relationship. The setting itself and what was happening around them didn't matter as much to me as trying to illustrate how they both relate to each other in difficult or happier times, and the strength of the bond and the love they share… Try to create a dynamic that shows that, although Shepard is often seen as the "larger than life hero", he's still just a man; and the reason why he manages to stay sane and take on so many responsibilities is because he's got Kaidan watching over him, and making sure that he's not carrying the weight of the world upon his shoulders all on his own.
However, I did choose to completely disregard the fact that Kaidan is seen stepping out from the Normandy, entirely unharmed, after the ship crashes / lands on some unidentified planet at the very end.
Now, I know that the guys at Bioware have stated that the Normandy isn't stranded since they can still repair the ship / activate a distress beacon. Also, the technology in this "cycle" would apparently be advanced enough to allow ships to travel between systems without the use of the mass relays (albeit at a much slower pace).
So that's not my issue. My issue is that I clearly remember having brought Kaidan with me on that final push to the conduit. And unless Bioware comes up with a very good explanation regarding how it's possible for him to suddenly teleport aboard the Normandy with not even a scratch, I've decided to assume that this particular part of the game was a bug that they have yet to fix, and thus, never happened.
After all, if there was a bug in the DA2 epilogue (that was later fixed by a patch) that brought a (potentially) dead character back to life. It's not unreasonable to believe that this would be a similar situation.
However, I refuse to believe that an unharmed (and especially romanced) Kaidan would have failed to make it to the beacon. Anderson succeeded in getting onto the Citadel all wounded and limping… If Kaidan was still alive, he would have gotten there, too. Not suddenly decide to run in the opposite direction, and ask Joker to stop fighting the Reapers to come and pick him up!
Actually, my impression is that the initial plan was to have the squad mates that you brought with you to the final push die (as seen by the deleted scene) no matter what… But then, they chose to have them be killed only if your EMS was too low. However, they got a bit sloppy (or ran out of time) and didn't come up with an explanation as to how they would have managed to survive Harbinger's attack.
Otherwise, I'm actually pretty okay with the ending and the three choices that were given. It's not a great or even mind blowing way to end the series, but I can cope with that.
My own personal choice has always been synthesis. Simply because it's the only one that felt right for me (I'm a huge fan of EDI, and would rather let the quarian people die than sacrifice the geths. Thankfully, I always manage to get them to make peace. But to me, any creature that has reached a state of self awareness is fully "alive", and deserves to be protected as strongly as anyone else. If the geths are offering to make peace with the quarians, but the quarians are still bent on destroying them at all costs, it's pretty clear which group would get my support).
But since there's been tons of different interpretations regarding the ending, and I know that many would say that choosing synthesis is the same as doing the Reapers' bidding, or even argue that synthetics can't have souls because they weren't born with one; thus, aren't truly living beings and it's okay for them to be sacrificed to end the Reapers, etc. You can personally decide to give this story the ending you prefer.
If you believe that the Catalyst was lying (EDI and the geths would be okay even with the Reapers destroyed), and that destroying the Reapers is the best course of action, you can decide that this is what Shepard chose here.
If you think that it's better that he sacrificed himself to control the Reapers, and order them out of the galaxy; it can work, too.
Like I said earlier, the ending itself doesn't matter much. What matters to me is Shepard and Kaidan's journey together, from the moment they fell in love to the very end of their lives (and the beginning of something else). ; b
So, I hope that I haven't disappointed too many readers by sticking to an "almost canon", and that you've still managed to enjoy the story nevertheless.
Best wishes to you all, and once again, thank you so much! : )