A/N: I have no idea what to say... Just read it and see how weird it is for yourself.

SPEED THE RICH DEPT.

Tails looked at the house he was standing in front of.

"I wonder if somebody can explain to me why I'm here?" Tails muttered to himself. He then remembered that he wrote down the reason, so he checked it again. It read the following...

"You want me to do WHAT?" Tails exclaimed, looking at Sonic like he was insane.

"I told you, Tails, this guy really wants you to work for him," Sonic replied. "He's willing to pay you a lot of money and, as you know, we really need some."

"Well..." Tails thought about it for a moment. "Fine, I'll do it."

"Thanks, Tails," Sonic said with a grin. "I'll just give you the address and you can be on your fine way."

"Fine," Tails said, grabbing the note and going out the door.

Tails looked up from the note for a moment and thought to himself "Why was I so dang specific?"

But Tails shook off the feeling and went inside the house. The interior was standard, as you might imagine, but you can think it up yourself. Why? 'Cause I'm too lazy to do it myself. You should've figured that out by now.

"Hello? I'm here for the job!" Tails called into the foyer or whatever. Then, out of nowhere, came a strange man Tails thought he'd seen somewhere before.

The man was a taller then Tails, but it was a little hard to tell, seeing as how was swaying back and forth like he was drunk or something. The man seemed to wearing something Slappy the Dummy would wear, with a bow and all. But the strangest thing was his face, of which he had a missing tooth, jug ears, mismatched eyes and smile that seemed to be painted there.

"Oh hello there," the man greeted, sounding delighted and mockingly sweet at the same time. "You're here, well that's wonderful. Come in, come in, you mustn't stand there all day!"

"OK..." Tails muttered, following the strange man. "Say, are you a paedophile or something? Don't take it the wrong way, mister, it's just that you seem like-"

"I can assure you, my dear boy, I am not," the man replied, stopping short and turning to face Tails. "In fact, I can tell you that you have no need to worry around me."

"Oh." Tails didn't feel any better.

"So, come along now," the man told Tails, starting to go, but stopping again. "I almost forgot! Kid, you can call me Alfie. You can also call me Schmuck, but very few people do."

"Why would you wanna be called SCHMUCK?" Tails asked Alfie, looking as confused as you would if you haven't figured it out already (and if you haven't, as Wayne would say, "Get the net!").

"Why would you have two Tails?" Alfie asked back.

"That's not what I'm trying to say," Tails replied, confused, "I was just born with these tails-"

"No radiation? No genetic modifications?" Alfie sounded slightly disappointed, but he just kept on grinning.

"No, I was just born with these tails," Tails repeated himself, but Alfie didn't seem to hear him.

"Are you sure you're not a robot?" Alife questioned Tails, his eyes seeming to get wider.

"No, I was just born this-"

"Stupid?" Alfie finished for Tails.

"NO!" Tails shouted, now really peeved.

"Well then, I guess I'll just have to live with that," Alfie concluded. "Come along now."

Tails slapped his forehead before following him. He now knew why we wanted to be called Schmuck.

"So what do you want me to do?" Tails questioned Alfie.

"Oh, that's right!" Alfie exclaimed, opening the door that was right next to him, accidentally hitting himself in the face. When he got back up, he went in the door and showed Tails what he had to do.

"WAY back during the Summer 2000 Olympics," Alfie explained, "I was chosen to take the torch to Sydney! It did take me a while, but DAMN did it make a good hot dog! More recently, LIFE has called, asking me for the shoes."

"LIFE asked you for your shoes?" Tails repeated slowly.

"Well, it's either me or that bearded guy, William Gaines or something, I dunno..." Alfie replied, going into a mutter for the bit about Gaines. "But anyways, all I want you to do is just make 'im look good as crap!"

"That's it?" Tails looked confused and a little annoyed. "You called me up and all you want is your shoes shined. You could go out onto the STREET and get it done for less! But, then again, they never really do a good job..."

"Whatever, just get to work," Alfie told Tails, walking out. "Now, if you'll excuse me, Prison Island Fake is on."

Tails wondered for a brief moment if "Prison Island Fake" was anything like "Prison Island Break", but he didn't really watch that show, so he got down to work on the shoes. It was pretty easy, for the most part.

An hour or two later, Tails finished the right shoe and got down to work on the left one. He was nearly done, but then he got a Facebook notification (because EVERYBODY on the whole planet has Facebook besides me) and he decided to check it.

-FACEBOOK INTERMISSION BEGIN-

Shadow: I'm outta the hospital now!

Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Blaze, Amy and every single one of his fangirls like this.

-Comments-

Sonic: So for once Dr. Mario did good work?

Luigi, Bowser, 24 minions of Bowser and 85 other people like this.

Shadow: Actually, I have to give all my thanks to Ultima. The pill would've actually slowed down my healing, but Ultima did something to it.

Ultima: You're welcome.

Shadow: Since when do you have Facebook?

Ultima: Since always. Everybody had Facebook.

Shadow: Oh.

513 people like this.

-FACEBOOK INTERMISSION OVER-

Tails was about to say something out loud about Facebook but, he did have Facebook, so Ultima was right.

51 minutes later, Tails was finished both shoes and Alfie came in to see how Tails had done.

"Fantastic job!" Alfie complimented Tails. "This looks almost as good as my Poiuyt!"

"You're what?" Tails asked.

"Oh, you know Qwerty?" Alfie replied. "Poiuyt is opposite from that."

"OK then," Tails muttered.

"Yeah, these shoes are good and all," Alfie said slowly, "BUT do you think you could try these on for me?"

"Why?" Tails was confused by the random proposal. "Aren't they going to LIFE?"

"Actually I lied," Alfie admitted, looking like he was really enjoying himself. "Try them on."

"Wait, I know where this is going!" Tails said. "You're gonna force them on me and they're gonna force me to run all the way down to Sydney! I inspected those shoes while I was cleaning them and they have all the right parts. No way in HECK am I trying those on!"

"I know," Alfie said, tossing the shoes over his shoulder.

"You're... Not gonna force them on me?" Tails enquired Alfie slowly. " So I'm not going to do some kind of ridiculously over-the-top shark jumping!"

"Nope," Alfie replied. "You can go."

"Really!" Tails looked relieved, walking out the door. "Finally, a chapter where nothing happens!"

"Yeah, if I hadn't rigged your shoes," Alfie told Tails.

"What?" was the only thing Tails could say before he was suddenly forced to run in the general direction of Sydney with a Sonic-type bang.

When Tails's mind finally caught up to him, which took an hour due to heavy traffic, Tails was in escasty, fright, confusion and anger. Tails would've said something witty about the situation, if not for the fact that he was going at least 300 MPH.

Back at Hotel Sonikku, Sonic looked up in sudden concern.

"Um, what's wrong, Sonic?" Blaze asked, looking a little worried.

"I feel a disturbance in the force," Sonic whispered.

"What force?" Blaze asked. "Is this some kinda lame Star Wars reference?"

"No... It's SpongeBob..." Sonic corrected Blaze.

"You gonna do something about it?" Blaze enquired.

"No... I'm too concerned with this money problem..." Sonic replied in a mutter.

Blaze seemed quite surprised. "Really...? You're not gonna go defend your title or something?"

"Oh please," Sonic scoffed. "If I DID..." Sonic paused for a second to think of a reply.

"You'd be doing something other then worrying over those stupid bills?" Blaze finished for him.

"Exactly!" Sonic exclaimed, snapping his fingers.

Blaze sighed and got back her own list, "101 Reasons Why I Will Never Date Wyatt Evans".

Back with Tails, he was still trying to think straight.

"OK, lemme put this in perspective..." Tails muttered to himself, somehow being able to breath (cause at the speed he's going, he might as well have suffocated). "I'm going really fast, I can assume 300 MPH, to I think Sydney, Australia. Got that, reader? Good. Now how do I know where I am?"

Just then, Tails shot straight upwards with a yelp.

"I'm going up the side of a building," Tails pointed out the obvious. "You probably don't have an idea what happened in Speed, do you?"

"I... I DON'T KNOW!" I whined, putting my head down the keyboard and crying. "I don't have any ideas for jokes or anything!"

"Well could you at least do something? Anything, maybe?"

I thought for a second. "I got it," I whispered evilly, turning Auto-Type off.

"Weird," Tails said to himself, now shooting down the other side of the building.

It was a shorter decent then the last one, Tails picking up even more speed. On the ground, Tails felt a small shock and then realized he could steer himself.

"Thanks!" Tails shouted to me.

"Um... OK!" I shouted back.

Tails nodded and quickly dodged the other building by going to the left. Tails tried to slow himself down, but brakes seemed nonexistent.

It took Tails a few seconds to come up with a plant: Rip off Jimmy Neutron!

"Really?" Tails asked me.

"SHUT UP!" I exclaimed, closing all communications.

Tails groaned and made a sharp right. Tails tried to make out something he could use to get out of the Grambi-forsaken shoes he was in, but he couldn't really make anything out. Then he ran straight into a street light. But instead of stopping, Tails had, for some reason, grabbed on to it.

"YOU DIRTY ROTTEN...!" Tails shouted in anger at me, stopping himself short to avoid cussing.

"I'm a mean one, aren't I?" T asked you mockingly.

Tails growled and tried to pry his hand from the lamppost, but they had an iron grip. This trying to pry went on for two hours. Until Tails that his rotations would deplete eventually. They didn't.

"This doesn't make any sense," Tails said to himself. "I shouldn't stopped hours ago!..."

Since I stopped being funny days ago, we skip ahead TWO DAYS.

"This is ridiculous!" Tails begged after getting nauseous for the 50th time. "Please stop me!"

"On ONE condition!" I told Tails.

"ANYTHING!" Tails exclaimed.

"Fine."

Tails suddenely let go and ran face first into the other lamppost.

"If I grabbed the first one.." Tails muttered through clenched teeth before passing out, mostly because of exhaustion.

Tails awoke on his back, in what seemed like the Matrix if it had been run through blue dye.

"Hello, Tails..." a voice greeted Tails. An overly feminine and horny voice. "I have been waiting for you."

"Who are you?" Tails asked, getting on his feet.

"I am that God who gives people elemental powers for no reason what so ever," the voice explained. "I like to be called Veronika."

"OK then... Veronika..." Tails muttered, Veronika sounding awfully familiar to him. "What do you want with me?"

"I'm gonna give you a random power," Veronika said, a random Wheel of Fortune coming out of nowhere. "Spin the wheel."

Tails nodded and spun the wheel. ANYTHING to get this chapter to end.

The wheel spun for what seemed liked three minutes until it finally landed on "Water".

"Oh goody!" Veronika exclaimed. "I've been waiting to give you this!"

"So you rigged the wheel?" Tails wondered, but then got a different question. "So you're giving me a power that contradicts Blaze? You're giving me Sonic's one true fear?"

"I'm giving this to you so that Cream can freeze you solid!" Veronika exclaimed in a creepily cheerful manner.

Suddenly, Tails was hit with two gallons of water, all of it somehow being absorbed by him.

"Well, I'm done," Veronika said. "I'm gonna warp you to you're bed."

"But-" Tails tried to argue, but then suddenly awoke in his bed.

"Tails!" Sonic shouted, running in. "I heard you randomly teleport in here!"

"Yeah, Sonic.." Tails murmured. "Look, Sonic, I-"

"I know you got hydrokenesis!" Sonic exclaimed. "Did you get the money?"

"No..."

Sonic slapped his forehead and walked out.

"You think he'd be more concerned," Tails commented, getting out his bed.

He suddenly shot through the wall at 600 MPH.

A/N: Yeah, I really was running out of ideas. At least I'm more creative then Plagiarism Factory. Well, that's all I have for this chapter. See you guys next time (good night and good luck)!