Castle: Beckett's Security Blanket
Chapter 11: Sparks and Fire Extinguishers
A/N: Well, there are mixed reviews as to where to take these two from here. Some of you are anxious to get the ball rolling for Castle and Beckett and others are enjoying the slow build-up and the case aspects as well. I had really only planned this story to be about 15 chapters or so, so I think the timeline is about right for us to move forward a bit and up the romantic angst so I hope you all are still enjoying the story and will like what lies ahead. For those of you who were asking when we would see the quote from the summary happen, well, wait no longer! The moment is here! Oh, and just to give you an idea of the timeline, this story takes place pre-47 Seconds, so everything that happened before that is fair game. Now, onward and enjoy…
Beckett's body jolted awake in a sudden panic and she sat straight up on the couch clutching her chest with her right hand. Her heart was pounding so hard in her chest that she felt like her eardrums were going to burst and she had to close her eyes to try and will her heart rate back to a normal pace.
'What the hell was that?' She questioned inwardly as images of a dark shadow leering over her slowly began fading away from her mind.
'Get a grip Beckett' she commanded herself as she continued to try and get her ragged breathing under control. She was a 34 year old police detective for crying out loud, she should not be having nightmares like a child.
She let her eyes wander around the darkened room however it didn't do her much good. All she could make out was the vague silhouettes of furniture that occupied the room. She reached out blindly to the coffee table in front of her and her hand patted the surface until her fingers curled around her cell phone and she brought it towards her and lit up the display to see what time it was.
2:04 a.m. Yep, that seemed about right. It had been pretty much the same thing every other night since this case started, aside from the night's she slept in Castle's bed. She hated herself for not being able to have a decent night's sleep without the help of someone else. She hadn't felt this vulnerable and afraid since her encounter with the sniper earlier in the year and now that she thought about it she hadn't gotten through that alone either; only with the help of Esposito and Dr. Burke did her life start returning to normal after that fiasco.
She let a heavy sigh escape her as she ran a hand over her face and through her hair. She knew she really shouldn't feel any less about herself for accepting help from others, and she certainly knew they wouldn't feel that way about giving it to her but it was still not something she was used to, and not something she really wanted to get used to either. But, if therapy was teaching her anything it was that she needs to be willing to let people in and if she was being honest with herself she knew she always has one foot out the door, ready to flee.
'But with one foot out the door, it's hard to know where you stand' her mind recalled Castle's words to her about Josh from well over a year ago.
Josh, she almost chuckled at herself. Look at how great that relationship turned out.
'Castle isn't Josh' she reminded herself. He was her partner, her friend, and didn't have the same expectations of her that a boyfriend would. They didn't always have to talk about and analyze everything to death, they could just simply be. He understood what she went through on a daily basis and he would always stand by her. Right?
She shook her head. She was going in circles here and was far too exhausted to have these thoughts mulling around in her brain tonight. She needed to sleep so with a final sigh escaping her lips she pushed herself up from the couch and wandered back towards Castle's bedroom.
She pushed the door open about half way and poked her head inside; wanting to make sure she hadn't woke him but as far as she could tell he was sound asleep. Good, she thought as she padded across the room and pulled the edge of the covers back and crawled in next to the warmth of her partner, settling down with her back to him.
"Mmmm, Kate?" she heard him mumble sleepily as he stirred slightly behind her.
"Yeah, it's me" she whispered in return. "Go back to sleep"
"S'wrong?" he mumbled again as he brought his arm over her midsection and pulled her back to meet snugly against his chest.
"It's nothing, just couldn't sleep, kept having these..." she paused for a beat, "dreams"
"Mmm" he hummed in reply as the pad of his thumb slowly started rubbing back and forth against her stomach. She wasn't even sure if he was awake or just stuck in a sleepy state somewhere between alert and asleep but when his thumb continued its movements and eventually slipped underneath the thin material of her camisole and his hand brushed her bare skin her eyes shot open and panic mode set in.
"Castle?" she whispered quietly into the darkness.
"S'okay, I've got you, keep you safe" he mumbled, his mouth now pressed against her shoulder that was basically bare, save for the thin spaghetti strap of her sleep shirt.
"Castle…" she whispered again.
"Shhhhh" he soothed gently before bringing his hand away from her stomach to smooth over her arm, followed by a light kiss to where her neck met her shoulder.
Oh no.
Beckett remained frozen in her spot; eyes wide open like a deer caught in headlights as she felt Castle's warm mouth against her skin. Was he awake? Was he at all aware of what he was doing right now? She had no idea and she was too terrified to turn around and find out.
'Maybe if I just lay still he'll fall back asleep' she told herself.
No such luck.
She felt him shift behind her in the bed as he pulled himself up higher towards the head of the bed, his hand continuing its slow strokes up and down her arm and then before she could blink she felt a hot wet mouth against her neck and she couldn't hold back the gasp of surprise that left her lips. "Castle"
"Mmm, Kate" Castle groaned against her neck; his breath hot against her flesh before his mouth latched on again and his hand went back to her stomach to hold her tightly in place against him.
Good God that felt good. But no, she needed to stop this while she still had the willpower to do so. Whatever was happening right now was because he was half asleep and because she was vulnerable and scared and he was scared for her. Everything about this was wrong and not how it should happen, if it ever were to happen.
"Castle, what are you doing?" she whispered into the darkness.
"Keeping you safe" he breathed into her neck. "Please" he pleaded as he pulled her even closer to him so she was flush against him.
No, this was definitely not good. Well, it was actually really good, but, no, no, this wasn't right.
"Castle, stop!" Her voice was firm now and she lifted herself up slightly on her elbows as she turned to face him with an unmistakeable glare in her eyes.
"What?" he asked her, icy blue eyes illuminated from the moonlight staring up at her and for the first time he actually sounded awake and coherent, like she had startled him out of his reverie.
"Castle we can't just… what are you doing?"
"I don't know, I thought…"
"Thought what?"
"I just… I needed to know you're safe, needed to feel you safe with me"
"By what, using your tongue as my body guard?" she spat back defensively and by the taken aback expression he gave her in return she surely had hit a nerve. She knew she was being harsh, but she had to be to get her point across.
"Jesus Beckett!" he huffed, pushing himself up until he rested with his back against the headboard and ran a hand through his hair. "I just don't know what to do with you anymore!"
"Well I can tell you what not to do with me anymore" she retaliated; regretting the words the moment they left her lips. She didn't really mean that she just…well, she didn't know what she meant but she knew this had caught her by surprise and she hated surprises.
"Well what the hell do you want from me? I'm drowning here Beckett. One minute you want my comfort, the next I'm your personal punching bag and forgive me but I just can't keep up anymore"
"I had a nightmare Castle, so I came in here, and what, you're brain automatically deduced that I must want you to jump me? Like that would magically make everything better?" she asked angrily as she too sat up against the headboard and folded her arms across her chest.
"That's not what… It's not like that" he tried to explain but failed horribly of course.
"Well then please, explain" she huffed.
"It's… I…" he tried but was at a loss for words. How was he supposed to explain to her that he loved her and had her nearly slip away from him one too many times and his carnal instincts finally took over and he needed to feel a connection to her, needed her to feel it from him. He wanted to show her how much he loved her and that he could keep her safe, that he would always keep her safe. He knew however that he couldn't say these things to her without sending her running for the hills. She wasn't ready for it.
He huffed once more before finally saying the first thing that his overtired brain came up with; "do you have any idea what it's like for me to have you lying next to me night after night and not be able to touch you the way I want to?" he asked and she looked at him slightly shocked at his omission before he continued. "Damnit Kate, I'm a man. Not your personal teddy bear or security blanket. You can't just crawl into my bed every night and expect me to just lay there" he finished with a huff; running a hand through his hair then immediately squeezed his eyes shut as he let his head fall back against the headboard. That was not how he wanted that to come out at all. It was romantic and chivalrous and loving in his head, but when he opened his mouth he sounded like a complete jack-ass just looking to get into her pants.
Shit.
"Forgive me for trying to seek out some comfort from a friend, from a partner" she eventually snapped back at him when she'd found her voice again.
Did she just...? Partner? Friend? Was she really going to pretend to be that clueless? Were we going to have this argument again? Suddenly his anger returned before he could even try to stop it.
"Oh don't start that with me Beckett, you know that's not what this is. I'm a hell of a lot more than your friend or your partner. How many guy friends do you have that you crawl into bed with to just sleep, huh Kate? Cuz let me tell you you'd be the first friend I've had to ever do that" he scoffed as he brought his arms up to fold across his chest.
"You forced me to come here Castle" she reminded him. He was not about to turn this all around to be her fault. No he was not.
"Yeah well I didn't ask for this" he huffed angrily; throwing his hands up in the air before they hit the mattress again.
"You know what, fine" Beckett huffed as well, swiftly standing up from the bed. "Point taken Castle, I guess I was wrong thinking I could come to my friend for comfort. Don't worry, once morning comes I'll pack my things and be out of your hair" she grumbled before heading towards the door.
"Beckett, wait-" he began to call out but his voice was drowned out by the loud crash of his bedroom door as she slammed it shut behind her.
"Damnit" he huffed as he let his back fall against the headboard. "Well done Castle" he muttered to himself before pushing the blankets off and throwing his legs over the side of the bed until they hit the floor. He sat there still for a moment, trying to wrap his brain completely around what had just happened but it was still something of a haze to him. Why did he have to be so stupid? He wondered to himself. If he'd had enough control over himself to keep from practically groping her in his sleep they wouldn't be in this mess right now and she'd still be here in his arms rather than on the other side of that door which might as well be a million miles away. He'd give anything to turn back time even to just ten minutes ago, but no, he's ruined it now. She was trusting him and that's how he handled it? Giving into his own selfish needs over her own?
"Stupid Castle" he grumbled in the darkness. "Stupid, stupid, stupid"
He craned his neck so that he could see the other side of the room and his gaze locked on the door that now separated him from her. The metaphorical wall that always separated them was suddenly very real and Rick could do little but sit there and stare at it as he let the realization sink in.
"What have you done?" he asked himself as he let his head fall into his hands.
A/N: Woah, holy angst alert right? Eek! I'm sorry! But I'm sure you knew by the summary of this story that we'd have to head to this point eventually. Well not to worry folks, this ride ain't over yet, so as always, stay tuned, and if you're feeling up to it, go ahead and hit that review button and drop me a line! I'd love to hear what you thought of this one. It went a hundred different ways in my mind but I had to settle on only writing one of them, so this is what you got…