Castle: Beckett's Security Blanket
Chapter 12: Castle Walls
A/N: So the angst is going to continue for a little while as we hear from Beckett's POV now in the aftermath of what just happened. This chapter is titled after a song by T.I. feat. Christina Aguilera, it just seemed to kind of fit perfectly with the mood and emotions of this chapter so I included a piece of the song in this update. Also, this is a very short chapter, it's more of an 'interlude' between chapters, before we move more forward with the story, the reason I wrote this extra piece is because a lot of reviewers from the last chapter seemed a little upset with Beckett and how she handled things in the last update so I figured I(/she) owed you guys a bit of an explanation for her behavior. So, I hope this maybe clears things up a little bit. Onward and enjoy...
~Everyone thinks that I have it all,
but it's so empty living behind these castle walls,
these castle walls~
Beckett stands on just the other side of the closed door that separates her from Castle. Standing with her left shoulder leaned against the heavy wood and her palm pressed flat against it, she closes her eyes to allow herself a moment to just breathe. She knows what lies ahead of her on the other side of that door, she's knows it wouldn't just be a comforting embrace for a night, but rather a future. They've been dangerously flirting with the line between friendship and something more for longer than she'd care to admit, she knows that. But crossing that line; not only the metaphorical one in her head, but the literal threshold in front of her, means giving her whole self to another person and she knows in her heart that she is unable to do that just yet. She's not a complete person. There are pieces of her, large pieces, that are broken. Chipped away from over time that she's been slowly putting back together through the help of her father, friends, Dr. Burke, and probably most notably, Castle. Regardless of her feelings for him she knew it would be unfair of her to give only part of herself to him when he was likely ready to give it all for her. She's realizing now just how selfish she's been. She's wanted to keep him close, keep him interested and invested and she loved the way he made her feel when they were around each other but she was coming to the conclusion now that she was more or less just stringing him along until she was ready, and how was that fair to him? Sure, she didn't ask him to put his life on hold for her but she knew she'd never have to, knew he would always be there so long as their relationship remained on the steady incline it's been on for the past few years.
It had been so hard for her to walk away from him just now. She wanted to give in to him, to just be free. But it's far more complicated than that. She knows he's hurting right now, but in the end he's hurting far less than what he would have been if she gave herself to him half-heartedly. So in her mind, it's what's best for him; although she's sure he's not seeing it that way right now and she'll be lucky if he even speaks to her tomorrow, or the next day, or the next week for that matter.
Remaining fixed in her spot against the door she closed her eyes tightly as a familiar proverb began dancing around her thoughts; 'if you love something set it free. If it comes back, it's yours forever'. God, she wished it could be that simple, to let him go. Walking out of that room only minutes ago was one of the hardest things she'd ever done.
~If I should stumble, If I should fall,
would anyone hear me screaming behind these castle walls,
these castle walls~
She placed a silent kiss to her fingertips before pressing them back against the door and a single tear escaped her and rolled down her cheek.
What she didn't know, is that the person that kiss was intended for was standing right on the other side of that door; forehead pressed against the cool wood, one hand flat against the door and the other resting on the handle as an inner battle between his head and his heart raged on as he tried to decide whether or not to pull it open. After remaining there for a few minutes and being met only with silence coming from the other side Castle let out a small sigh and pushed himself away from the door, sinking down into his mattress and closing his eyes in hopes that sleep would soon overcome him so he could get a break from the sorrow that was currently flooding his thoughts and his heart.
~There's no one here at all, behind these castle walls~
**Thanks for reading this update, I know it was short but I wanted to hopefully give you guys a little insight into why Beckett did what she did. Don't worry too much about the angst, I'm a believer in happy endings so just stick with me alright? ;) Please, as always, stay tuned and drop me a line if you can. Up next is the morning after the big fight! I will update as soon as I can**