Chapter Six: Diagon Alley

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Note: So someone asked me if this was going to be a 'happily ever after' story and since they didn't have an account, let me say here that this is a humor fic. Spoiler: It's not going to end tragically. One of these days people will check the genre of the story they're reading...

Harry and Gilderoy had Apparated directly outside the Leaky Cauldron. Harry had been a little worried about being noticed but Gilderoy had assured him that the same charms that kept people from seeing the building itself would keep them from seeing the people materializing right outside of it. Unfortunately, it didn't stop them from noticing the noise Apparating made and so Harry saw a few confused people looking around for the source of the sound before he entered the pub.

The bartender – Tom, Harry reminded himself – was the only one to glance over at first but given that the story had just appeared in the paper that morning he dropped the glass he was wiping and the other patrons had noticed. They'd formed a mob around him, all trying to shake his hand and introduce themselves.

Gilderoy didn't seem to mind but, upon noticing Harry getting overwhelmed, made them form a line. It wasn't like Harry hadn't seen his father get mobbed by fans before and he had even happened to be standing next to him when this happened on more than one occasion. It was just that the fans had never been there for him before and his mind went blank for a moment. Luckily, his father was there to discretely elbow him and soon Harry was shaking hands with everyone and making sure to use their name in his brief conversation with them. According to Gilderoy, people never expected anyone famous to remember them so it made a big impression when they did and even if he couldn't remember everyone's name for very long, using it seconds after hearing it worked just as well.

Then Harry and Gilderoy went off to Gilderoy's book signing for some pictures and finally Harry was free to get to his shopping while his father stayed and signed books. Harry obviously didn't need to buy his Defense Against the Dark Arts books – though his father had arranged it so that they were ten percent off for current Hogwarts students – and he figured that since he was coming back when he was done with his other shopping, he could put his book-buying off until later so he wouldn't have to carry them around with him.

Harry had been given money to buy school supplies but at some point before term started he'd need to head to Gringott's and see if his parents had left him anything. From what he understood, his father had come from a wealthy Pureblood family so there was probably something. He could worry about that when he wasn't busy buying his supplies and his father was with him in case they needed an adult present.

He decided that robes were as good a place as any to start and so made his way to Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions. He really didn't like the idea of having to wear a uniform all the time but he was already going against school policy with his insistence on using paper and pens instead of the archaic parchment and quills so it was best not to push his luck.

Madam Malkin, a plump cheerful-looking witch, clearly recognized him right away – which he would really need to get used to – but to her credit said nothing and ushered him to the back room to get fitted.

There was a bored-looking round-faced boy standing on a footstool while a witch pinned up his long black robes. He brightened when he saw Harry come in. "Hello," he said. "I saw your picture in the Daily Prophet today. Harry Potter, right?"

Harry nodded. "And you are?"

"Neville Longbottom," Neville introduced. "So we'll be going to Hogwarts together, I guess."

From what Harry knew, the Longbottoms were an old Pureblood family. "Do you know much about Hogwarts? I had always heard that I'd be going there but since this is my first time in the UK since I was one I never really believed it."

"Well…" Neville trailed off. "There are seven years of Hogwarts, of course, and four houses. The Defense Against the Dark Arts position is said to be cursed since no one can last more than a year at it. Your guardian is going to be our new DADA teacher, isn't he? I hope nothing happens to him."

"So do I," Harry agreed. "But he only has a one-year contract so we're hoping that the fact that he doesn't want more than a year will stop the curse from trying to physically prevent him for being able to teach for longer."

"What's he like? Do you think he'll be a good professor?" Neville asked eagerly.

Harry wasn't quite sure how to answer that. "I've never seen him teach before so I honestly don't know. He knows a great deal about the creatures he's written about but not as much about the ones he hasn't. He'll probably be sure to be prepared no matter what he's teaching."

"I suppose it could be worse," Neville reasoned. "I heard the professor from three years ago turned out to be a Squib. They never would have caught him if it hadn't been for Peeves throwing a cabinet at him. By the time he noticed, he tried to run. He tried to pass his not using his magic as panicking but they tested him and found the truth in the end."

"Peeves?" Harry repeated.

"The school poltergeist," Neville replied. "They say he 'adds character' but I've always found that adults only say that when something's pretty awful."

"They can't get rid of him?" Harry asked, surprised.

Neville shrugged slightly, causing the witch pinning his robes to let out an indignant cry. "Dumbledore probably could but I've heard he's big on character-building."

Harry made a face. "Fun."

"Do you have a preference for house?" Neville asked.

"My father was in Ravenclaw," Harry said. "I think my biological parents were in Gryffindor, though. I don't really know much about the houses, I'm afraid."

"I want to be in Gryffindor like my parents," Neville remarked. "My grandmother was in Slytherin, though, so she's pulling for that. I also don't think Ravenclaw's too bad so it's really just Hufflepuff that I kind of want to avoid."

"Hufflepuff must have a really bad reputation, then," Harry noted.

"They all have different stereotypes," Neville explained. "Everything thinks Slytherins are evil and that all evil wizards come from Slytherin despite Peter Pettigrew being a Gryffindor. Everyone thinks Gryffindors never think before charging into dangerous situations. Everyone thinks Ravenclaws have no social life because they spend all their time studying. Everyone thinks that Hufflepuff is where you go if you're not ambitious enough for Slytherin, smart enough for Ravenclaw, or brave enough for Gryffindor."

"That doesn't sound very accurate," Harry said dubiously. "Ambition probably takes hard work but only if you expect that ambition to go anywhere. Being smart means you could probably coast through life if you wanted to and being brave in dangerous situations just requires you to do work when danger pops up and not in everyday life."

"That's what my mum says," Neville said, nodding. "But you've got to admit that 'hard work' sounds a lot less glamorous than the other traits. And 'Hufflepuff' just isn't a very cool-sounding name."

"Cool-sounding is important," Harry agreed. "But I think the houses were named after the founders so what can you do?"

"You're done, dear," the witch working with Neville told him.

Neville looked like he was trying not to look too happy as he hopped down. "It was nice meeting you, Harry. I'll see you at Hogwarts."

Harry had to wait another ten minutes before Madam Malkin was finished with him and then he went off to get his wand. Entering Ollivanders, he saw two adults speaking with an old man with wide, pale eyes that rather disturbed him even though the man – presumably Ollivander – wasn't even looking at him. A girl about his age with rather bushy hair was holding her wand in her hands with nothing short of reverence.

"Hello," Harry greeted her. "Are you going to Hogwarts next year, too?"

The girl started, almost dropping her wand. "Oh, yes. My name's Hermione Granger. I was ever so surprised to get my letter last week. No one else in my family had ever had magic or even believed in it. We thought it was just a prank until Professor McGonagall came and explained everything. Did you know that she can turn into a cat?"

Harry hadn't actually ever even heard of this Professor McGonagall before and so he could safely say that he hadn't. "What does she teach?"

"Transfiguration," Hermione replied.

"Well…congratulations on being the first in your family to have magic," Harry told her.

Hermione smiled. "Thanks. I'm rather nervous. This is all so new and I don't want to mess anything up…Oh! I didn't ask your name."

"I'm Harry Potter," Harry introduced, sticking out his hand for Hermione to shake.

"It's nice to meet you," Hermione said politely.

Her failure to react to his name meant that she probably hadn't heard of him yet. Harry decided not to tell her because, really, how did one bring that kind of a thing up? 'Oh, by the way, there was an evil dark lord going around killing muggles and Muggleborns as well as anyone who stood in his way about ten years ago and somehow he vanished when he tried to kill me so everyone thinks I'm a hero?' A history book or someone else could probably give him a more impressive-sounding opening. He really should have paid more attention to his father's attempts to show him how to casually bring up his accomplishments but he had always rather expected that upon hearing his name people would recognize him.

"So what kind of a wand did you get?" Harry asked instead. They were in a wand shop, she was holding a wand, it was a natural question.

"Ten inch vine wood and dragon heartstring," Hermione replied in a very official-sounding voice. "I was really worried that Mr. Ollivander wouldn't have the right wand for me but fortunately it only took three tries to find this one. I really don't know how he figures out which wand to try first or what all those measurements are for."

And now Harry had something completely new to worry about. "That kind of thing doesn't happen very often, does it?"

Hermione shrugged. "I don't know but I'd imagine that it wouldn't or Mr. Ollivander would probably have a wider selection. So does your family have magic?"

Harry nodded. "My mother was Muggleborn but my father had an old magic family."

Hermione bit her lip, looking like she was considering whether or not to ask him something. "Is it…I'm new to this world and I really don't know anyone. I know that I'll probably be at a disadvantage in my classes but I'm not afraid to work hard and catch up. What I really want to know is…do people care that my family doesn't have magic? Will it be a problem?"

"Some will care," Harry had to admit. "In the wizarding world there's not so much racism as a belief in blood purity. It's really all a bunch of nonsense, though, so don't let stupid people make you feel inferior to them. My dad says that some of them cling to their long wizarding line because they don't have anything else."

Not all Purebloods, of course, because some were wealthy and powerful like the Malfoys but others hadn't adapted to the changing world nearly as well. Gilderoy wouldn't approve of him letting that particular belief be known to someone outside of their family but it wasn't like Hermione was going to go around publicizing it and if it made her feel better, what was the harm?

Sure enough, Hermione smiled. "Thanks. I just…I'm really out of my depth here."

"You'll catch up," Harry said encouragingly. "You must have done as much accidental magic as any of us. We're not legally allowed to have a wand until we either turn eleven or get our Hogwarts letter so even if some kids are allowed to use someone else's wand, it's far less effective. I think it's mostly the culture you'll need to worry about learning and that's no different than learning about the culture of another country."

"I'm thinking about getting some books on wizarding culture," Hermione told him. "I was going to go to the bookstore earlier but there's some famous author signing books today so it was too crowded."

"Well, he'll be done at four," Harry volunteered. "So if nothing else, it will probably have emptied out by then."

"Thanks," Hermione said, smiling again.

"Say goodbye to your friend, Hermione, we've got to go," the man talking to Ollivander said.

"I'll see you at Hogwarts," Hermione told him.

With that, Harry was left facing Mr. Ollivander. He suddenly wished that he'd waited to come here until his father was done with his signing.

There had still been a good-sized crowd in line by the time four o'clock rolled around and Gilderoy was done with the signing. He could have stayed longer, of course, but not managing to get to everybody would just make them want his signature more. Having his books be ten percent off to Hogwarts students had also managed to garner him some goodwill despite the rather obvious fact that he was the one forcing every Hogwarts student to buy his entire collection as part of their curriculum in the first place. That was okay, though. He rather preferred it when other people didn't bother to stop and think thing through.

Harry met him in the back room when he was gathering his things to leave. At some point, he seemed to have gained an owl.

"Did you buy your DADA books?" he couldn't help but ask.

Harry managed to look very serious as he replied, "I thought about it but then it occurred to me that not all of the money I'd spend on them would go towards royalties and so me buying them would actually end up costing you money. I think I'll just use one of the copies we've got sitting around at home."

"How very economical," Gilderoy complimented. "So you have a pet?"

Harry nodded. "I'm sure at some point – maybe not first year since you'll be right at Hogwarts with me – I'll have letters I'll need sent and post owls take forever."

"What did you name it?" Gilderoy wondered.

"Hedwig," Harry said proudly. "Her name is Hedwig."

"Hedwig, huh? Good name," Gilderoy said approvingly. "Hedwig was a king of Poland, you know."

Harry blinked. "I thought Hedwig was a girl's name?"

"Oh, she was a girl," Gilderoy assured him. "She just ruled in the fourteenth century and there really weren't many queen regnants at the time so she was crowned king so everyone would be quite clear she was the sovereign. She was only about your age at the time she was crowned, too."

"King Hedwig," Harry said dramatically. "That has a nice ring to it."

"King Jadwiga, technically, but Hedwig is the English version," Gilderoy corrected. "Why did you pick the name if you didn't know who she was?"

Harry shrugged. "Well, I may not have bought my DADA books but I did get my History of Magic one and I was just leafing through it and the name 'Hedwig' jumped out at me."

Gilderoy was aghast. "And you didn't look to see who she was?"

Another shrug. "I lost the page and the book doesn't have an index."

Gilderoy shook his head and began muttering about shoddy book designs. "So it's good that you're willing to look through that textbook, Harry, because I'm telling you right now that the class might be the dullest thing I've ever have to go through. Everyone sleeps through it, even the studious ones. If you just read the book before the exam you'll be fine, though."

"How can a class taught by a ghost be boring?" Harry asked, puzzled.

"He was already ancient when he died," Gilderoy explained. "And he was so boring alive that the first thing he did upon dying was showing up for class the next morning. The students realizing that their teacher was now a ghost was probably the last even vaguely interesting thing to ever happen in that classroom."

"But…if he's such a horrible teacher then why doesn't Dumbledore just get rid of him?" Harry asked, still not getting it.

"Tenure," Gilderoy revealed grimly. "The law doesn't take into account whether the person with tenure is alive or not since, really, who would want to teach after they're dead and don't need to anymore?"

"The History of Magic professor, evidently," Harry replied.

"Which is what makes him so boring," Gilderoy concluded. "But enough about that. How did your day go? Anything exciting happen? Did you meet any future classmates?"

Harry nodded. "Apparently my wand shares the same core as that of You-Know-Who. I'm not sure why that would ever matter but it's a nice bit of trivia."

"I like the symbolism," Gilderoy declared. "And one day you might want to make that public and let people draw their own conclusions about your destiny. Not now, though, wait until your publicity is running a bit low."

"Alright," Harry agreed. "Oh, and I met Neville Longbottom at Madam Malkin's and Hermione Granger at Ollivanders. They seemed nice but Hermione talked a little too much."

"Longbottom's a Pureblood name but I don't think I've heard of Granger," Gilderoy mused.

"She said she's Muggleborn," Harry informed him.

"That explains it. Still, just because she has no connections now doesn't mean she won't in the future," Gilderoy advised. "Don't fall into the trap that family connections are everything. They're important, to be sure, but there's always room for raw talent."

After all, that was how he found his place in the world…even if it wasn't quite the place that everyone else thought it was.

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