Chapter Thirteen: Slytherins Do Not Fear Pretests.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Note: I have officially changed the secondary category to parody so those of you expecting something serious should probably know that you really won't be getting that.
Harry walked into Defense Against the Dark Arts five minutes late to find that class hadn't started yet.
"Ah, Harry," Gilderoy greeted him cheerfully, not bothered in the slightest at his tardiness. "I should have known you'd want to make an entrance. Take a seat."
Harry took the empty seat next to Daphne as Gilderoy started taking attendance.
"Is he going to not start class until you show up every time?" she whispered to him. "Because if that's the case, you really should think about making a habit of that."
"Sorry, Daphne, but if I do that too often then my father will probably stage an intervention as I am too young to be that desperate for fame," Harry whispered back.
Daphne winced. "Getting lectured about not being so interested in fame by Gilderoy Lockhart? I can see why you'd want to avoid that."
Harry would have been offended if it weren't for the fact that Gilderoy was quite open about how much he loved fame. He believed that if you did something worthy of fame (or at least other people thought you did) then there was no shame in thoroughly enjoying that fame, after all.
"Still, I think you should do it anyway. You know, for the greater good," Daphne quickly rallied.
Harry stifled a laugh. "What am I, a Hufflepuff?"
Daphne gasped in faux horror. "I would never accuse you of that! In fact, I'd be hesitant to even accuse an actual Hufflepuff of that."
"And you sound like Dumbledore," Harry accused. It wasn't like he disliked Dumbledore anymore than he really thought that the Hufflepuffs were an embarrassment but he was quickly learning that taking jabs at both was just part of the Slytherin culture and since it was kind of fun and didn't seem to be hurting anybody, why not take part in it?
"You take that back!" Daphne exclaimed a little too loudly, causing those around them to glance their way.
"You used the words 'for the greater good'," Harry pointed out.
"Yeah, well so did Grindelwald," Daphne pointed out.
"And you'd rather remind people of an evil wizard than Dumbledore?" Harry asked skeptically.
Daphne raised an eyebrow at him.
"Point taken."
"Harry Potter," Gilderoy said, having finally reached his name.
Harry looked up at his father with a smile. "Present."
"Hogwarts is quite lucky to have such a celebrity attending," Gilderoy remarked. "I'm sure you'll live up to all the hype." He quickly finished with the role call and started passing out tests.
"What's this?" Draco asked, horrified. "You can't give us a test; it's our first class!"
"It could always be a pre-test," Tracey pointed out.
"But we know nothing," Draco protested.
"Speak for yourself," Daphne told him. "Some of us actually read the 'textbooks' over the summer."
Draco rolled his eyes. "Yeah, but you're eccentric so that's to be expected."
"Honestly, what does not disowning a family member have to do with being studious?" Daphne asked under her breath.
"I think Draco just doesn't want to admit that he probably should have read the books," Harry consoled her.
"Mr. Malfoy, this isn't anything hard, don't worry. You were instructed to have my books read before the term started and I just believe that it's unfair to expect students to do so much work without getting any credit for it," Gilderoy explained. "Therefore, this is a reasonably simple test on the material that I'm sure you all have read."
By the looks on everyone's faces, only a little over half the class had actually read the books.
Obliviously – whether really so or not was up for debate – Gilderoy continued. "Now, I know that some Gryffindors might have thought that they needn't do the assignment but I know that the other three classes absolutely would have done it. The studious Ravenclaws would want to be prepared, the hard-working Hufflepuffs wouldn't shy away from the effort, and the cunning and ambitious Slytherins would know that if they want to come out on top in life they need to be prepared for whatever situation they find themselves in. In this, case, they have to have read the textbooks."
Those who had actually read the books started looking pleased with themselves while those who hadn't appeared a bit dismayed.
"Harry," Draco hissed. "What am I supposed to do?"
"Read the books?" Harry offered innocently.
"That won't help me now," Draco pointed out.
Harry sighed. "Just remember that his favorite color is lilac and for the rest he probably won't care as long as it's completely flattering."
Draco nodded seriously. "Flattering…I can do that. Very Slytherin, as a matter of fact." Being indirectly accused of not being very Slytherin was clearly not sitting very well with him.
Harry took his test and skimmed the first page. These were all really easy questions. Then again, he might not be the best objective indicator of that given how well he knew the source material. When he had been younger, Gilderoy had often read him his books as a bed-time story. On the one hand, Harry understand why Gilderoy would do that (plus his father had never liked children's books) but on the other…was he trying to turn him into a Gryffindor or something?
Eventually, the tests were all done and Gilderoy quickly marked them. "Oh, these are very good scores. Mr. Malfoy, I've never told anyone that a secret ambition of mine is to make my adopted son, our savior, into a competent defender of the light who will live up to my legacy so congratulations on being able to deduce that from the little time we've spent together."
Draco just smirked at that, having apparently taken Harry's advice very seriously.
"And Harry, of course, is the only one with full marks although Miss Pansy Parkinson got close, only missing one," Gilderoy announced. "Ten points to Slytherin for you both; you should be very proud."
Pansy blushed slightly and Harry had to wonder if she was one of those girls he had seen in the past week – like Hermione, though she'd never admit it – who had a crush on his father.
God knew he would never EVER ask her about it.
Zacharias cornered him as he was on his way to lunch.
"Stop ignoring me!" he ordered, crossing his arms and glaring at Harry.
"I'm not ignoring you," Harry told him patiently. "In fact, I don't think I've ever ignored you. My apologies if I gave you that impression."
Zacharias' glare deepened. "Don't apologize!"
"Has my apology somehow offended you?" Harry asked, surprised. "Normally apologies have just the opposite effect. Unless, of course, you don't think I mean it. Is that the case?"
"No, I do think you mean it and that's just the problem," Zacharias complained.
"I don't follow," Harry admitted.
"You're not supposed to apologize to me! You're supposed to say that you'd be paying attention to me if I were worth your time – which I totally am – or call me stupid for thinking that!" Zacharias cried out.
Harry blinked. "Why in the world would I do that?"
"Because you're my rival!" Zacharias said as if it were obvious.
Harry barely managed to hold back a groan. Not this nonsense again. He was really starting to wonder if he should have just hid in the bathroom the entire train ride so he wouldn't meet anybody. Sure it would have been boring but at least it would have been over in one afternoon and not be annoying him a week later and on into the future indefinitely. "Don't I get a choice in this? Can you just declare me your rival without any input from me?"
"What's that supposed to mean, huh? You don't think I'm good enough to be your rival?" Zacharias demanded angrily. Strangely, there appeared to be some satisfaction in his eyes.
"Let's set aside your worthiness to be my rival for a moment, shall we?" Harry suggested. "Is it fair for you to just declare me your rival and it's supposed to be this mutual thing now? If I decided to make, say, that Justin Finch-Fletchley guy my rival then would he have no choice but to be rivals with me now?"
"Of course not," Zacharias replied promptly.
"Because one person can't just declare another random person their rival and expect that to hold any water?" Harry asked hopefully.
"No, because you didn't meet him on the train and so the classic rivalry conditions were not met," Zacharias explained. "And also because you already have a rival: me. A person can't have more than one rival, you know. All of our friends may dislike each other and be hostile towards you or me but they're not the rivals."
"So if I had declared Crabbe my rival before you declared me your rival then we would be locked into a rivalry and you'd be out of luck?" Harry inquired.
Zacharias made a face. "Well…technically, yes, but he seems rather…almost too stupid to function and so it would be a pretty fail rivalry."
"I think fail rivalries sound like my favorite kind," Harry remarked.
Zacharias' eyes bulged. "What? But what's the point in even having a rivalry if you're not going to do it properly?"
"The minute I figure out what, exactly, is the point in having a rivalry at all, I'll look into the point in having one that you don't do properly," Harry replied.
"It's part of the-" Zacharias started to say.
"Part of the Hogwarts experience, I know," Harry cut him off tiredly. "That still doesn't mean that I want a rivalry or see the point of it. And I definitely don't want to be forced into a rivalry against my will."
"No, I can imagine that you wouldn't," Zacharias said thoughtfully. "In fact, that must make you pretty angry, right?"
"I suppose so," Harry said cautiously, wondering where he was going with this.
"In fact, it must make you so angry that you'd resent me, right?" Zacharias pressed eagerly. "So much so that a rivalry could, in fact, spring up from this?"
Harry stared at him. "You think that we should have a rivalry over the fact that I don't want to be your rival? That's kind of messed up."
"Yeah, well so is having a rival who wants nothing to do with you," Zacharias complained. "It's embarrassing!"
Harry thought about pointing out that since Zacharias was the one in Hufflepuff, he didn't really have room to talk but realized that that would just make Zacharias' insane plan to make them rivals all the close to coming true.
"I'm sorry you feel that way and for inconveniencing you," Harry finally said diplomatically. "It was not my intention."
As he walked away, he could hear Zacharias screaming in frustration behind him. Maybe his wasn't the most epic or in-your-face way of dealing with his so-called 'rival' but his method did seem to be far more effective than anything else could have been.
Harry didn't really like the dungeons, which was a shame because that was around where the Slytherin common room was. Fortunately, the common room and dormitories were a lot warmer than the dungeon had been but that didn't help him at all when it came to potions.
Harry wasn't quite sure what to expect from Snape. He'd been at Hogwarts for about a week now and yet he hadn't spoken to his head of house once. He'd been warned by multiple sources that Snape wouldn't like him because of his father but he really had to wonder just how obvious that would be. Surely the man was capable of some professionalism, right?
Harry hadn't gotten the chance to see much of Hermione and Neville, being in a different house than them, and so he had made certain to sit by them. Draco had said something about how he wasn't about to let Harry go off unsupervised with Gryffindors of all people and so he had sat near them, too. He didn't seem to mind too much, particularly as Ron had turned an interesting purple color the minute Draco had sat down. Draco and Neville seemed to get on alright so Harry really just hoped that Draco wouldn't say something stupid to Hermione.
Snape paused when he got to Harry's name on the attendance. "Ah, yes. Harry Potter. Our new…celebrity."
If Zacharias had been in that class, he would have undoubtedly decided on the spot that Snape was his new favorite teacher. As it was, nobody – even Ron, concerned as he was about Harry's house – particularly disliked him and so they all just stared up at Snape in bemusement.
"You are here to learn the subtle science, and exact art of potion-making," Snape announced when he was done with the role call. "As there is little foolish wand-waving here, many of you will hardly believe this is magic. I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses... I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death - if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach. Potter! What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"
It looked like Gilderoy was right, reading the textbook really did pay off.
"A sleeping potion so powerful it is known as the draught of living death, sir," Harry replied promptly. He wasn't sure there was any way to win this…if, in fact, it was a 'this' at all. It was entirely possible that Snape had decided to quiz a sample of the class or everyone on the book and it was just a coincidence that he went to Harry first. Just the same, given what he'd heard it would be foolish to just assume that was the case. Still, he'd heard that Snape favored Slytherins quite a bit so if Snape started taking points that would be a good sign that Harry was in for a very long seven years. Be respectful couldn't possibly misfire, right? Well…unless Snape thought he was mocking him.
Snape didn't acknowledge Harry's words. "Potter, where would you look if I told you to find me a bezoar?"
So clearly this wasn't a case of quizzing the class. Unless they were all going to be given multiple questions? If he was given multiple questions, everyone should have to have a turn. "In the stomach of a goat, sir." The obvious answer would be 'in an apothecary' but somehow he didn't quite think that was what Snape was looking for.
"And it's function?" Snape pressed.
"It will save you from most poisons, sir," Harry replied.
Snape was frowning at this. Clearly he hadn't expected Harry to actually know this. "What is the difference, Potter, between monkshood and Wolfsbane?"
"There is no difference, sir. They are the same plant and another name for it is aconite," Harry answered.
"Why aren't you writing this all down?" Snape demanded of the class, who quickly scurried to do as he asked. "Very well, that is adequate, Potter. Twenty points to Slytherin."
Twenty points for 'adequate'? That was odd. Snape had probably been torn between his warring desires to favor Slytherin and to apparently not like him and compromised.
"Don't take this the wrong way, Harry, but I don't think Professor Snape likes you," Hermione said quietly.
"Five points from Gryffindor for talking during a lecture, Miss Granger," Snape snapped.
And so it appeared he didn't. Still, he was apparently in more favor with Snape than the Gryffindors which, while not really saying a lot, at least said something.
"Potter, why are you writing with that Muggle contraption?" Snape demanded suddenly.
Harry looked down at the pen in his hand. None of his other teachers had commented on it. "Muggle pens are easier to use and more efficient than quills, sir."
"So you want to take the easy way out?" Snape asked suspiciously.
Absolutely. "No, sir. I just thought that if I had to spend less effort in writing the notes then I would be better able to focus on the material I am taking notes on."
Snape hesitated. "Very well, I'll allow it for now. If you don't get at least an E on the first written test then I will give you a detention and you'll use the approved writing materials."
Well, on the one hand he could still use pens. On the other…it just occurred to him that detentions (which were much worse than house point losses) could still be given to him without hurting Slytherin at all.
Suddenly, Potions seemed a lot more daunting.
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