Chapter Fourteen: Potions Safety
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Note: The problem with anonymous reviewers is that it's really difficult to get back to them. One, in particular, got my attention so I'm addressing it here:
The point of this story is to be funny. If you don't find it funny, I don't really see the point of 'sticking with it for a few more chapters' because it's going to stay the same style of humor. You can do what you like but please remember that I'm not trying to mislead anyone here. If this isn't the kind of thing you like, that's probably not going to change.
And the reason Harry keeps deciding to ask his guardian about things he doesn't understand (regardless of the fact he's almost a teenager) is simply because he doesn't want anyone else to know that he doesn't understand these things.
"Everyone, partner up," Snape ordered. "We're going to start with a simple potion to cure boils. How your first potion goes will likely be an indication of your future in this class."
Daphne came out of nowhere to stand in front of Hermione. "Hermione Granger, will you be my partner?"
Hermione blinked in surprise. "Oh, um, sure. I'm sorry, I don't remember your name…"
"Daphne Greengrass," Daphne introduced. "And don't worry about it. It's only the first week."
"What did I tell you?" Draco asked, shaking his head ruefully at what he clearly considered to be a perfect example of his point. "Quite eccentric."
"And smart," Harry remarked. "Hermione's memorized all her textbooks; she's bound to be good at this."
"I'm not sure that would make it worth it to partner with a…well," Draco said doubtfully, apparently rethinking whatever he was going to say. Not like Harry couldn't guess. "But never mind that. Harry, will you-"
"Dibs on Harry," Neville interrupted.
" 'Dibs'?" Draco repeated, looking as if he very much doubted that that was a real word.
"It means Harry is totally my partner," Neville said triumphantly.
"Don't I get a say in this?" Harry asked with mock annoyance.
"If by 'get a say in this' you mean 'agree to be my partner' then that sounds like an acceptable compromise," Neville said cheerfully.
Harry laughed. "Alright then, I'll be your partner."
"Wait, why do you want to partner with Harry anyway?" Draco demanded. "Other than the fact that I wanted to do the same thing."
"Not everything is about you, Malfoy," Ron said rudely.
"How very wrong you are, Weasley," Draco sniffed.
"I suppose Neville's better than Malfoy," Ron said grudgingly. "You'll help keep Harry from accidentally turning evil, won't you?"
"I'll do my best," Neville said solemnly.
"I figured that I'd stand a better chance of passing if I partnered with a Slytherin," Neville explained. "And be honest: how would you have reacted to me asking you to partner with you?"
"Not well," Draco admitted. "But come on, who am I supposed to partner with now?"
"So not my problem," Neville said with a smirk.
Draco's eyes darted desperately across the room only to discover, to his horror, that Ron was the only other person who hadn't gotten a partner.
"Professor, are you sure we can't work by ourselves?" Draco asked hopefully.
"There aren't enough cauldrons for that, Mr. Malfoy, and I'd rather not waste the ingredients," Snape replied, not looking up from the instructions he was writing on the board. If Draco had been a Gryffindor, Harry wondered just how many points he was likely to lose.
"But my partner would have to be a Gryffindor," Draco complained.
"Then I would recommend that before our next class you arrange to partner with someone from your own house," Snape suggested.
Draco glanced speculatively over at Crabbe and Goyle, who had also partnered up, for a moment before shaking his head. "Not worth it."
"I can't believe I have to be your partner," Ron grumbled.
"Yeah, well I can't believe I have to be your partner!" Draco shot back.
"This is the much-celebrated rivalry at work?" Harry asked, bemused after Neville got back from gathering the ingredients.
"Apparently so," Neville said wistfully. "I wish I had a rival."
"You can always get one, I guess," Harry said, trying to be supportive despite not understanding the desire to do this in the slightest.
"The problem is that I didn't actually meet anybody on the train," Neville said despondently.
"Did Ron and Draco really meet on the train?" Harry asked, surprised. "They seem really…enthusiastic, I guess would be the right word."
"Their father's don't like each other either and they're both big believers in house pride as well coming from families that are traditionally from rival houses," Neville explained. "But yeah, believe it or not they had never met until the train. The Weasleys and the Malfoys don't really travel in the same circles."
"And yet the Longbottoms travel in both?" Harry inquired.
Neville shrugged. "My family has had its share of Hufflepuffs, let's just say."
"You know, I really don't think the fact that I'm in Slytherin is going to help you much with Snape," Harry confessed. "He kind of seems to hate me."
Neville shrugged again. "Oh, well. I was actually going to partner with Hermione but then Daphne came up and I remembered that you had also memorized the Potions' textbook. The Snape thing would have just been an added bonus."
Harry snorted. "Why aren't you a Slytherin again?"
"No true Slytherin is ever actually sorted into Slytherin," Neville said flippantly. "Or at least that's what I always tell Draco. You should try it; it's hilarious how upset he gets. Snape."
Harry was just about to ask what that meant when he noticed Snape, who had been making the rounds and criticizing everyone, was getting closer to them.
"Potter, have you ever actually held a knife before?" Snape demanded. "Put your hand farther up the handle; you're going to cut yourself."
Harry, who had been managing just fine, attempted to adjust his grip.
Snape opened his mouth – either to continue to criticize Harry or to move on to Neville – when clouds of acid green smoke and a loud hissing filled the dungeon. Ron and Draco had somehow managed to melt their cauldron and everything within a two-foot radius of them.
Within seconds, everyone was standing on their stools in an attempt to avoid the potion (and hoping that the potion didn't just melt their stools and send them toppling over). Ron and Draco had been liberally splashed when their cauldron had first collapsed so everyone knew that they would be covered in painful-looking boils if any of the potion got on them.
"Idiot boy," Snape snarled at Ron before taking out his wand and, regardless of what he'd said in his opening speech, waving it to vanish the potion. "What did you do?"
Ron stared at him defiantly but said nothing. Draco was similarly tight-lipped.
"Well?" Snape demanded. "Anyone?"
Theodore languidly raised his hand.
"Yes, Mr. Nott?" Snape asked.
"Draco and Weasley were taking turns tossing their ingredients into the potion when the other wasn't looking," Theodore explained.
"I see," Snape said, looking furious. "That's five points from Gryffindor, Mr. Weasley."
"But what about him?" Ron cried out. "It wasn't just me!"
"Make that six points," Snape said silkily. "Now, somebody take those two to the Hospital Wing."
Later that day, Harry was sitting outside with Neville and Hermione and silently congratulated himself for surviving his first week of Hogwarts.
"So why did Daphne want to partner up with you so badly?" Neville asked curiously. "Especially since she didn't seem to really know who you were."
"Oh, that," Hermione said, looking a little bemused. "It's the strangest thing. I was standing in between platforms nine and ten and I happened to ask Daphne how to get to the right one. I could tell she was a witch, of course, because of her owl. Therefore, we met at the right time."
Harry closed his eyes. "You're kidding."
"I'm really not," Hermione assured him.
"And here I was thinking that Daphne seemed too sensible for that sort of thing. I guess you never can tell," Harry mused.
"She is," Hermione disagreed. "Or at least…I think so. Daphne told me all about how big rivalries were at Hogwarts but how she had neither the time nor the inclination to take part in one but she met a lot of people on the train and so she might be trapped in one at any time. Since the same thing could happen to me and I didn't seem like the rivalry type, we could protect ourselves by becoming each other's rival and then not really doing anything."
"Lame," Neville complained.
"I think it's brilliant," Harry disagreed.
"Yeah, well, you would. That is such a Slytherin thing to do," Neville accused.
"And what's wrong with that?" Harry asked defensively. "It's hardly evil no matter what I'm sure Ron can imagine."
"I'm sure we'll find out once he gets out of the Hospital Wing later today," Hermione said dryly.
"I just don't understand why anyone would do that," Neville said, shaking his head in disappointment. "And you're even a Gryffindor, Hermione!"
"And what's that supposed to mean?" Hermione challenged. "That I can't do smart things? Remember what house you're in, Neville."
"That's not what I meant," Neville claimed. "It's just that Gryffindors are supposed to love fun and adventure and so why would you purposefully cheat yourself out of a rivalry? Unless you were tricking her into making you her fail rival so you could be her real rival and there was nothing she could do about it…but that's so very Slytherin."
"And thus awesome," Harry spoke up.
"Turn evil on your own time, Harry," Neville said flippantly.
"I agree with Harry," Hermione told them. "This whole 'rivalry' thing seems really stupid and a waste of time and energy. I've seen Zacharias around Harry and I don't want to deal with that kind of thing. This plan of Daphne's seems like the perfect solution and it will benefit both of us since she doesn't want a real rival either."
"But think of all the fun things you'll be missing out on!" Neville urged her.
"Tell that to Harry," Hermione advised.
Neville spared him a quick glance. "I would but his rival's a Hufflepuff."
"Why that entire house doesn't all hate us is beyond me," Harry remarked, laughing.
"Who's to say they don't?" Neville asked mysteriously before making a face. "Damn, I sound like Theodore."
"The most rivalry-oriented action I've seen – aside from Zacharias complaining about Harry – is what happened today in Potions and if that's what a rivalry is like then frankly I want no part in it," Hermione said heatedly. "They could have been killed and they could have killed other people. They probably deserved what happened to them but what if someone else had gotten hit? What if the injuries were more serious?"
"That wasn't a rivalry thing," Neville said patiently. "That was a 'two people who happen to be in a rivalry were proving to be absolute morons' thing."
"But would it have happened if they weren't rivals?" Hermione asked pointedly.
Neville snorted. "Honestly, Hermione? Probably. They still wouldn't like each other and if, for whatever reason, they thought it was okay to try to get us all killed if they were rivals then they'd probably do so without it."
"I don't know, I think Hermione has a point," Harry declared.
Neville rolled his eyes. "I am shocked by this. Truly, I am."
"I still can't believe that they'd be so irresponsible and just plain stupid, no matter what the reason," Hermione said, running a frustrated hand through her hair. "I mean…there was a set of instructions for a reason and they're both Purebloods so they don't even have that excuse. Did they really think they were such experts that they could randomly toss things in and it would be fine, even if they didn't know the other was doing the same thing?"
"Don't think about it too much," Harry advised her. "You'll just give yourself a headache."
"I can't help it," Hermione admitted, sighing. "I'm going to give Ron the biggest lecture of his life whenever I next see him." She looked pointedly at the other two.
Harry smiled sheepishly. "Sorry, Hermione. I'm not really the lecturing type."
"Neither am I," Neville remarked. "But don't worry. I'll just let him know that I, a Gryffindor, disapproves of his reckless and thoughtless actions and he'll be kicking himself over it for days. Far more effective than any lecture I could give."
"So, Harry, am I right in assuming that you have, by this point, had Potions class with Professor Snape?" Professor Dumbledore asked.
Harry jumped. Where did he keep coming from? "Yes, I have, sir."
"And what did you think of the experience?" Dumbledore inquired. "I'm afraid that I may have been a bit too leading with my questions last time."
"I learned a valuable lesson about following the instructions and not messing around after Ron and Draco ended up in the Hospital Wing," Harry said slowly.
Dumbledore looked mildly amused. "Yes, I heard about that as well. No permanent damage this time and hopefully they've learned that lesson too so there won't be a next time."
"One can only hope," Harry agreed, albeit dubiously. He hadn't seen Ron but Draco, at least, was convinced it was all Ron's fault and his own actions had had nothing to do with it. That didn't really sound like he was taking responsibility for his own actions but perhaps Neville hadn't gotten around to talking to him about it yet.
"Anything else happen?" Dumbledore pressed. "I'm sure that the accident was the most exciting part but that doesn't mean it's all that occurred."
"Professor Snape asked me some questions from the textbook and then gave me twenty points for answering them correctly," Harry revealed.
Dumbledore beamed. "Did he now? I had hoped but I was never sure and after…well, suffice to say that this is very good news indeed, Harry."
Harry wasn't stupid. He knew that Snape didn't like him and was liable to treat him like he was a Gryffindor or something. Since Snape was a teacher who had been there long enough to get tenure, there really wasn't much he could actively do against the man, particularly if he didn't want to spend the rest of his life in detention. There was one thing that he thought he might try, one thing that was continuing to work wonders on Zacharias Smith.
"Oh, yes," Harry said earnestly. "I don't think he liked the Gryffindors very much but he was willing to let me use some muggle school supplies because they helped me take better notes. I have to say that though it's a bit soon to tell, I think Professor Snape might actually be my favorite teacher. My father doesn't count, of course, because I'll always be biased where he's concerned."
Dumbledore looked positively moved. "Your very favorite teacher did you say?"
Harry nodded seriously. "I did say that and I'm sure that, with him being the head of my house and all, we'll only grow closer as the year goes on and during the next six years. I'm really very lucky to have him and I'm glad I ended up in Slytherin."
So maybe he was laying it on a little thick. Dumbledore didn't seem suspicious, though, quite the opposite. Snape would not be happy if and when he found out but he wouldn't be able to openly do anything. After all, being someone's favorite teacher was supposed to be a good thing and no one would let him get away with trying to punish Harry for that. Of course, now he had a feeling he was going to see firsthand just how flimsy a reason Snape could find for giving detention. He made a mental note to learn to breathe quieter, just in case.
"If you'll excuse me, Harry, I really must be off but it was very lovely talking to you," Dumbledore told Harry before turning to go. "I can't believe I almost fell for those theatrics!"
Harry was starting to worry that Dumbledore had seen right through him when Dumbledore mercifully continued.
"Really 'No matter what happens, I will not become this boy's mentor'…who does he really think he's kidding? Wait until I tell Minerva."
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