Nothing is mine! Except for Marie and the plot, that is.
-

Marie woke up..and then she screamed. Wanna know why? Well, you would too, if you were to wake up to the sight of a sharp, shiny hook just inches from your nose! "This one's awake too, father." Grunted a rough female voice.

The hook disappeared, only to be replaced by an all-too-familiar face. "Arwen?" She asked shakily. "What happened to you?" Arwen wore an eyepatch, her left hand had been replaced with a hook, her dress was in dirty tatters and she smelled like...well, she smelled a lot like Jack Sparrow.

"Who's Arwen?" Asked the Doppleganger. "I'm Arrrrrrwen, daughter of Lord El Rond Half-Melvin."

At this, a Elf who could have been Elrond's twin, if you overlooked the finger cymbals, whirled into the scene. "I am.." He clapped his finger cymbals. "Lord El Rond Half-Melvin." He said in a heavy accent.

"Half-Melvin?" Marie asked weakly.

"Arrrrrrwen nodded. "After a nasty incident with a Cork, it was neccessary to use what remained of an Elf named Melvin to put my father back together."

Marie drew a breath, preparing for the worst. "What's a Cork?" *This place is really messed up...*

Arrrrrrwen glared at a circle of black, fleshy monsters with red-rimmed eyes. They were passing around a bong. "Similar to a Uruk-High, but they don't get stoned all the time."

Marie tore her eyes away form the strange sight. "I came here with my friends, do you have any idea where they might be?

Arrrrrrrrrwen grabbed Marie with her non-hook hand. "Of course, they're with Grandalf the blundering wizard. He is introducing them to the Council members right now."

Marie was literally dragged into the Council. Her friends were standing, but all of them were pale and grimacing from the still-intense pain. El Rond cleared his throat. "Shall we start?" He took them over first to Aragorn's stunt double, who look relatively normal...except he was wearing a costume that made him look like a giant ear of sweet corn! He took her hand and kissed it. "I am Aracorn, milady."

*This place is either going to leave me scarred for life or make me laugh so hard later, that I piss myself.* Marie thought wildly. "Ummmm...you have a nice sense of style." She commented uncomfortably. She glanced back at Aragorn, who had buried his face in his hands. All the others were going red in the face, trying to keep themselves from laughing.

Aracorn spun around. "You think so? It also works for helping me to hide in cornfields. Stylish and functional!" He crowed happily.

From that point on, it was total chaos. From Biblo and his giant blue baby's bib, to Phrodo, to Boaromir, whose face was actually shaped like a boar. It made her head spin and she kept hearing the occasional snicker from Hatter or Jareth and even a deep, throaty chuckle from Snape.

Marie dreaded what was coming last. Gimli's look-alike had risen and bowed. "I am Grimli, son of Blowin of the Christy Mountains."

She heard a miserable-sounding groan coming from the original Dwarf. She tossed him a quick, teasing grin over her shoulder. She'd just realized that this was something she could keep reminding him of for the rest of his handsome Dwarven life. "Why do you call them the Christy Mountains?" She asked.

Grimli looked her straight in the eye. "Because." He began proudly. "WE LOVE CHRISTINA AGUILARA!"

And then he and his father did the most unexpected, strange, disturbing and just plain creepy thing in the entire history of the Universe.

They burst into song.

*Oh, I'm overdue, give me some room
I'm coming through
Paid my dues, in the mood
Me and the girls gonna shake the room

*DJ's spinning, show your hands
Let's get dirrty, that's my jam
I need that, uh, to get me off
Sweat until my clothes come off

It's explosive, speakers are pumping
Still jumping, six in the morning
Table dancing, glasses are mashing
No question, time for some action

Temperature's up, can you feel it?
About to erupt, gonna get my girls
Get your boys
Gonna make some noise

Wanna get rowdy
Gonna get a little unruly
Get it fired up in a hurry
Wanna get dirrty

It's about time that I came to start the party
Sweat dripping over my body
Dancing gettin' just a little naughty
Wanna get dirrty, it's about time for my arrival*

Marie stared at them both, her jaw hanging open. She coughed. "You both...erm...make a lovely duet." She offered.

Chapter End Notes:

Noooo...I was not using any illegal substances while writing this chapter...
And you know, the sad part is, there really is a poor elf named Melvin in the LotR universe.