As Gray made his way back to his apartment late on the night they arrived back in Magnolia, he had to tune out the sound of a carnival that was operating in the park behind his apartment. People were everywhere; laughing, skipping, and running around with sugary treats and smiles through air that carried the happiest music.

It was a cruel and haunting juxtaposition, and what might have seemed like fun to him seemed oddly mysterious and terrifying. Sharp hearing picked up on the creak of wood as the rides moved, and children zoomed past him screaming in excitement about clowns and magic and cotton candy.

The clowns on stilts bothered him and he knew that shouldn't have been the case. Yet as they towered above everyone, they seemed to be above humanity, and their faces weren't human either. They looked like monsters, like enemies, and even looking away from them seemed somehow dangerous.

Then he realized he was scared of what was probably a middle-aged man wearing makeup and acting silly.

Yet something drew him toward the carnival. Maybe it was the sound; he wanted to make it stop. Gray knew that maybe it wasn't the sanest thing, but he felt like the pipe organs were somehow taunting him to come closer. The bright, colorful lights formed halos that eclipsed his vision and so many sounds and smells…

It was disorienting, and he felt like he was going to go crazy. There was something there in him that wasn't there before and it was frightening. He didn't feel like it was a second personality; it was more like a second nature. While Gray was normally calm and cool in all circumstances and kept the most level-head even in battle, his mind drifted erratically from one subject to another without focus or purpose.

Gray suddenly managed to break out of his trace and ran up the stairs to his apartment, slamming the door behind him before turning the lock and sliding down to the floor.

Things inside were not necessarily better, because the bright colored lights from the park bathed his apartment in flashing lights. Purple, orange, red, blue, green…and the music was still clearly audible.

He went in the bathroom where there weren't any windows, and when he reached for the knob, he saw his hand was turning back into a dragon's claw.

What he didn't know then was that his daze was induced by the fact that his lacrima – still largely in control of his temperament – was reacting to the presence of Juvia's monster, which had also sensed him.

Hydra wandered around near the carnival grounds in Juvia's body.

The ice dragon that was killed was a dear ally, and she could detect that it was somehow in Magnolia as soon as he got off the train. She even managed to figure out Gelid the Cold was somewhere in the vicinity of the park, but once she arrived there, thousands of human scents obscured her sense of smell.

Blending in seamlessly in Juvia's body, Hydra wandered the carnival grounds in search of the essence of her ally. She didn't understand what it meant that there was clearly no huge ice dragon wreaking havoc upon the humans, although even there amongst them, she couldn't help but imagine how wonderful the destruction would be if she came out to play.

Didn't a child that came upon an anthill have the urge to kick it? To marvel in his or her own domination over the insects as they ran about in confusion unable to even grasp the monster that destroyed the home they spent generations building?

And for once, the real owner of the body she was in was completely silent.

When Juvia watched her kill Gajeel, she screamed hysterically and cried endlessly until she went to sleep. Then the next day, she started crying as soon as she awoke and cried until Makarov told the guild that Gray had also died, although no details were given.

Since that moment, Juvia had never slept, never moved, and never said even a word. She simply floated there in a daze like she was dead.

Hydra's narrow understanding of Juvia's existence led her to the conclusion that Gajeel and Gray were essentially her only relevant connections to anyone. Those at the guild were friendly to her, but Juvia was very peculiar for a human and hadn't made friends. Other than the occasional cordial conversation with Lucy Heartfilia, Juvia's life was devoid of relevant links to other humans without Gajeel and Gray.

The smell of poison made her turn into a huge tent where all kinds of dangerous animals were kept in cages. Lions, tigers, small monsters from various corners of the world, and in one corner a small, poisonous viper.

A fat man in a purple suit pointed at the cage with a rod and the viper struck at it, hitting the glass. "Missy, this here is a rare viper from the depths of Razor Canyon. They say the venom of the Razor Viper is a powerful aphrodisiac and in ancient times, people would use it as such," he said, pausing to give her a suggestive eyebrow waggle that she viewed as more of an invitation to eat him than anything else, "But taking even a drop too much can be deadly and cause many side effects. The lines between pleasure, passion, pain, sickness, and death, all right here in this snake!"

Death…

That word snapped Juvia out of her daze.

The dragon was right; Juvia's only precious things in life were her friend Gajeel and the man she loved. She believed they had both died because of her, and the people who treated her kindly and with mercy would only suffer more if she continued to exist. Juvia decided that if she died, she could meet Gajeel and Gray in the afterlife and beg for their forgiveness.

Juvia suddenly wanted to die more than she'd wanted anything in her life and the dragon, which was unguarded since the real owner of her body stopped fighting, wasn't prepared for the seemingly random moment when Juvia surged to life with more power than she'd ever commanded in her life.

And she won, wresting control from Hydra.

The shockwave of magic that came when Hydra retaliated caused the glass on the cages all around to shatter, brought down tents, and utterly and completely terrified everyone. Then a hard rain started and Juvia emerged from under the tent when it was tugged off of her by the brave few that wanted to help. In her hands was that snake, whose teeth were lodged into the flesh of her right breast through her shirt.

It felt like fire that spread through her body, and after it released her, she killed it with a dagger of water so it wouldn't hurt anyone else and looked around.

Gray's home was so close, and she believed she'd rather die on his bed that smelled like him than in the rain in the park. But her legs weren't cooperating, and when they gave out, the arms that caught her were none other than that of the man who had now been beckoned to her side by the rain twice.

The ice mage had seen the snake attached to her body, and he didn't know the scent of poison yet, but he was sure that was what it was.

In unbearable pain, Juvia couldn't really believe he was there. He was supposed to be dead, wasn't he? The master wouldn't have told them he wasn't coming home if that wasn't true.

"Gray-sama, is this Heaven?"

The way she said his name told him instantly that the person in control was Juvia and not the monster. So he knew this snake bite was probably intentional. Juvia had wanted to die to protect everyone else since the beginning, and he said no, that he wasn't going to let that happen.

He laid her on her back and tore her shirt open. "Sorry, Juvia. This is still Hell, and you're going to stay here with me for a while longer."

Gray heard once that sucking venom out of a snake bite might save someone, so he put his mouth down on the wound that was just to the side of her nipple and tried that. It was bitter, and it made his mouth feel hot at first, and then kind of numb.

This was the time when the man she'd loved told her in the most authoritative voice that he wanted her to stay with him, and even though she'd waited for Gray to say this since the day they met, she just felt so sad she couldn't even bear the words.

Gray picked her up and carried her in the direction of his apartment, although he found it wasn't so easy due to the effects of the poison that had entered him through his mouth despite his best attempts to spit it out. Juvia was unconscious by then, but he made it up the stairs and into the apartment, and he could barely pick up his feet by the time he dropped Juvia on his bed and passed out there himself.

While unconscious, Juvia had a dream that her monster intruded on, since her physically weakened state interfered with magic and prevented Hydra from regaining control. In it, the monster was so enraged and yes, hurt. Because the essence of her 'greatest friend, Gelid the Ice Dragon,' well, it was coming from Gray, which meant he had been killed, probably by Gray.

Hydra killed Gajeel, her best friend, and Gray had caused or somehow been involved in the death of the monster's friend. The dragon that only spared Juvia words to mock her humanity and her love had lost her own Gajeel to the human she loved so much. It seemed quite fitting to Juvia.

The monster promised that when she regained control, the first thing she would do was tear Gray limb from limb.

Then she awoke and found Gray watching her with eyes that had black circles around them and lips that were bluish. There was sweat on his brow and she realized she was probably the same or worse.

Gray rolled over so their faces were so close and whispered, "Why? I said I would save you. Don't you have any faith in those words?"

Juvia answered, "Juvia doesn't want you to die for her sake."

"It's my life. I can die for whatever I want. That's my right as human."

Her blue eyes watered and she cried, "Doesn't Juvia also have that right?"

There was such determination in his face then. "Listen to me, Juvia. You're not allowed to die."

"But!"

"But I don't care. You're not allowed to die. You better not try this again, or even think about it. If you get hurt or something, no matter how bad it is, I don't care. If you die, I'll be mad at you and I'll never forgive you. Death is not something that can happen to you. Got that?"

She just gave him a sad look and decided she finally found something about him that she didn't like: he was stubborn beyond reason and held onto something that logically, he shouldn't have. It was something that might kill him, her, and many other people, but he just couldn't accept the fact that it would be better for everyone for him to let her go.

A stubborn fool like him? Is that who she'd been in so infatuated with all along? Is that the person she'd called her '-sama?' He wasn't a '-sama;' he was an idiot. As they lay there facing each other, suddenly she wanted him to hate her, for her to be worthless to him, because then he'd be able to do the thing he couldn't.

"Gray, you're stupid, stubborn, and you're doing reckless things that don't make any sense," she said, using his name without the honorific for the first time.

And yet, she'd rather be there in hell with him than in heaven.

"Juvia is sorry. I'm sorry. All these things happened, because Juvia came here. Juvia followed you to Fairy Tail. Juvia put all of this on you. Juvia went to you with this. Juvia…Juvia…Juvia…Gray never asked for this."

Gray gave her a scowl and seemed angry when he said, "I didn't promise to save you because you were a burden. I made that promise because I don't want you to die. I want you to stay here and be alive with me."

At this, Juvia just burst into tears and started crying like she'd never cried in her life and felt warm arms wrap around her and pull her close. "You're being a cruel to Juvia! Saying you can die for whatever you want but she can't! It's not fair! You're…You're a jerk!"

Gray was so surprised by her anger and that excited utterance, but as soon as it was out, she just crumbled.

"I'm so scared," she sobbed, defaulting into first-person like someone who had some kind of grasp on themselves – like it was something she knew better than she knew herself. Being held in Gray's arm was such a huge dream of hers, and even though she was thankful he was comforting her and being strong for her when she couldn't be, she hated it. She hated that Gajeel was gone and she hated that she felt so powerless and she hated that it was her body that was used for these horrible things.

Juvia cried until she was numb, and her body just felt strange and kind of weak. The acute effects of the poison had passed by then, so she just rested there against him. He was warm, so warm, and part of that was due to the poison, but she'd always assumed his skin would be cool or cold. Then again, she'd thought he was a '-sama,' and she'd believed he was some perfect hero.

Gray brushed his hand across her cheek and wiped the tears away. "You're too pretty to cry, you know. It's depressing. I don't like seeing it."

"Pretty?"

The ice mage nodded. "The first time I saw you, I thought it was just my luck that I'd have to hit the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. I've always been really frustrated with you though because you just didn't see me. You loved this 'Gray-sama' character. You annoyed me, but apparently you just realized what an idiot I am, and that makes me happy even though everything is horrible. Somehow, you realizing I'm an asshole is like a bright ray of sunshine to me right now."

Gray leaned his forehead against hers and she started crying again.

"I'm frightened and I can't see the future anymore. All I can see is Gajeel and all these bad things. It feels like everything is so bad that it can never be good again," she whimpered.

To hear her use first person, and express emotion like that so unlike her that he was confused, but then he realized that maybe her use of first-person was due to something that he didn't completely understand. Maybe her existence had become simple enough that she simply knew she was Juvia and that she was scared.

He didn't know how to encourage her, because he was lost in dysphoria too.

So Gray tried to think of something happy. Anything.

"When all this is over, we should go away together for a few days."

Juvia seemed lost and incapable of imagining this wondrous future at the moment, so he continued with, "We'll go someplace where it's sunny and warm and there's lots of good food. There will be no monsters, crying, or being scared half to death – just rest and fun."

"With our friends?"

"Hell no! There's vacationing with friends, and there's a vacation from friends."

Even though the woman tried to imagine them out some romantic getaway, the reality of their situation was too heavy for any dream to exist, no matter how happy or minor. The idea that they'd just be able to have a peaceful, happy day seemed impossible.

She realized that she was so weak at that point and he was giving her his strength to carry her through this terrible situation they'd been swept up in. "You're strong. Juvia is weak."

"Someday, I'll need you to be strong for me. You'll be around for me then, right?"

Juvia nodded.

"Promise?"

"I promise."

Thanks to counterfactuals, Catwho, and Yukari Hiwada for reviewing!