The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear- H. P. Lovecraft
Ash Lee
Aged 13
Victor of the Fifth Games
Fight or flight?
It's a question I always end up asking myself. . . Do I stand my ground and fight? Or do I run away as fast as my legs will take me and never look back?
I normally choose the latter. It's easier, it's neater and it's quicker.
But sometimes, no matter how fast you can run, or how good you can hide; the thing chasing you will catch up. And that's when you have to turn around, look it dead in the eye and do what you were trying to avoid... fight.
Fear is defined as an unpleasant emotion caused by something or someone that is dangerous, likely to cause pain- a threat.
Spiders; a real fear. Spiders can cause pain, be dangerous and be a threat; therefore they are something that can be a possible fear.
Heights; also a real fear. There is a danger of falling from high places and dying; therefore they are fearful.
The same goes with things like fire, snakes and lightning. All of these can be dangerous and can- in certain circumstances- kill you.
So, things like loud noises or fast movements cannot be classed as 'fears' because they are not potentially dangerous or a threat... or at least, that's what my psychiatrist tells me.
Panphobia. That's what the doctors said. Little Ash Lee, the tiny thirteen year old African American has been diagnosed with Panphobia caused by the increased prolonged stress of her time in the Arena of the 5th Games.
Scared of everything. That's what Panphobia is, to put it nice and simply.
I guess they're right though. I am scared- of everything. But it's not my fault everything is so terrifying... loud noises; they remind me of those cannons, those 49 cannons that signalled the death of those 49 kids. Fast movements; well what if that person waving their hands around like crazy has a knife? What if they are trying to kill me? Anything can be lurking in the darkness of shadows and anyone could be standing just around the corner, wanting to kill me.
Being scared of everything is the only thing that makes sense to me anymore... I struggle to remember what it was like to not fear every tiny movement, how a bang didn't send me running, or someone stepping too close to me didn't make me scream.
I was not always like this... I was not always a small scared little girl who everyone looked at as if she was a baby. I used to be bright, bubbly and confident. I used to be like everyone else... but of course, the Games change people. In ways nothing else can.
I still remember the day this eternal fear began to creep in. Reaping Day.
I'd seen the Reaping happen on TV. People in suits coming into schools or interrupting sporting matches to drag a certain kid into an eerie white van and driven to the Capitolite House. The men in suits come at any time of day and whisk the kids away with a military droid filming every second of it so it's broadcast to the entire nation, so everyone else has to suffer through the horror of the Reaping.
A super computer located in the heart of Colorado buzzes through the names of every girl boy in America. Every year the computer is brought out where it files through every name until it chooses a name at random. One girl from half the states of America and one boy from the other half, swapping around every year.
Last year was the first time the computer would be filing my name.
When I turned twelve it was the boy's year for Texas- I was safe. At the time it was a relief; knowing I was totally safe for one more year. Then the next year came around and I began to feel chills whenever the TV came on showing footage of the Games, I couldn't help but imagine myself having to be thrown into the arena like those dying kids.
I was in the kitchen when they came for me. It was starting to get dark and I was helping mother chop up potatoes to have for dinner. We were singing and laughing as we chopped- it was something we always did, my mother and I were quite close.
Then there was a short but deliberate knock on the door. I stopped mid-chop and my eyes shot to meet with my mum's. We never got visitors.
"Probably just the mail man," Mother said reassuringly, "I ordered a package the other day... it's due to arrive soon."
But her voice was already shaking with fear; it was far too late at night for the mail man to come.
My mother walked briskly out of the room and I tiptoed after her. I poked my head around the wall to watch her open the door.
The knife I was using to chop up the potatoes fell out of my hand and stuck in the floor when I saw who was standing at the door- two men, dressed in black and very official looking suits with blank hard expressions. Behind them was a strange mechanical robot on wheels with a camera craning over the two men, its lens pointed directly at me.
I'd seen it on TV before. The men, the droid. I knew that on the street a white van would be parked, waiting to have me thrown into it and whisk me off to my death.
A shiver ran across my whole body; I was turning around and running out the back door before my mother had even begun to plead with those men.
I remember hearing a loud thump, closely followed by the stomping of feet as those two men began to chase after me. I could even hear that droid buzzing as it followed, trying to capture my every move.
I ran into my backyard and squeezed myself through a hole in my back fence which led to the yard of my neighbour. I ran across their yard and into the next, then kept running and running, without looking back once.
I couldn't stop myself from running. Deep inside I knew that I would eventually have to stop and give myself over but at the time I shoved that thought deep down. I held onto the hope that if I ran far and fast enough, I would escape them and escape my death in the Games.
Too soon I began to tire. My legs began to feel like jelly, I struggled to get air into my lungs and my tongue was in desperate need of water. I began to search for somewhere to hide; somewhere where the droid or men or the van couldn't find me.
After a bit more running I found the place. Thick trees and bushes all clumped together on the side of a deserted road. I took a moment to glance around me to make sure I was alone before I crawled beneath the thorns and spikes of the bush and nestled myself comfortably within it.
I could see the road from my hide out and it wasn't too long before the white van began to slowly come into view. A suited man was in the driver's seat, scanning the side of the road thoroughly. I held my breath.
As if in slow motion the van drove past the bush I was concealed in. It stopped for a very brief moment directly in front of me before driving on.
I gave out a huge sigh of relief before I felt muscled arms encircle me and snap me up into the air.
All the kicking and screaming in the world wouldn't make the slightest impact on the hold that man had on me. I bit, scratched, clawed, kicked, yelled and fought as much as I could but the suited man carried me over to the van, threw me in, closed the door and then the van took off.
A knock on the door pulls my mind back to the present. I jump in the air at the sound of it. I quickly make my way to the corner of the room where I curl up in a ball and put my hands over my ears. My heart pumps in my chest as I think about all the things that could be behind that door. . .
"Ash," says a very motherly and gentle voice, "Ash, deary, is it okay if I come in?"
I shake my head at the door but it opens anyway.
Lisa -my caretaker- enters the room very slowly, careful not to make any sudden movement. She is the one that looks after me whenever I am in the Capitolite House, when I am at my worst. I'm not exactly terrified of her the way I am with some people but I'm not comfortable around her either. Let's face it- I'm not comfortable around anyone any more...
Lisa stays standing at the door when she speaks, "I have been sent to get you," she says quietly, "You are required in the TV room."
"W-w-why?" I ask in a stutter. I can't even string a proper sentence together any more...
"It's time for the Reaping," she says.
I begin to shake my head furiously. I am not going. I am not watching those reaping, never again.
"Darling, you have to go," Lisa says, "If you don't come in they will bring in the Officials. You don't want that to happen, do you?"
No. No I don't.
I can't stand Officials. In their black suits, armed to the teeth with guns, standing at every doorway and hall, watching over me making sure I don't do something stupid. They boss me around and drag me back inside whenever I run away from something that scares me. They're all so cold and emotionless- they're one of the things that terrify me most here in the Capitolite House.
I shakily lift myself up from my ball in the corner and make my way to the door. I stop several meters in front of Lisa and just wait silently until she realise I want her to move. I don't want to go within a few meters of anyone, even Lisa.
She gets the idea within a few seconds and rushes through the door. I follow a few seconds after and make my way down to the end of the hall where the stairs are.
I could take the elevator but it scares me too much, so I always take the stairs. It takes almost three times as long but I eventually get to the TV room where I find the freak show waiting for me.
Lulu, our very first victor is slumped on the couch, barely able to keep her eyes open that are dark from lack of sleep and she is shaking slightly. If she was a normal person the drugs she relies on would have killed her long ago, but being a victor she isn't allowed to die. None of us are allowed that.
I sort of like it when Lulu is like this. When she is on one of her highs she feels the need to chase me around with her arms outstretched asking for cuddles which scares the life out of me. When she is at a low- like now- she ignores me. I like that.
I guess when I was crowned Victor Lulu must have felt some need to look after me. She won when she was twelve and I won at thirteen, so we had some connection. She tried to make friends with me in her own, weird, drug addled way but I was far too scared to even be near her, let alone be her friend. After a while she just gave up on me... I can't say I wasn't glad.
Next to her is Ryder who has his eyes glazed over. He is looking at something that isn't there and muttering under his breath. No doubt off in some hallucination- one of the many he has every now and then. He doesn't even notice me come in the room.
In the year I have known him he has only ever been remotely normal once. The rest of the time he has been off in some psychosis known only to himself; a crazy terrifying high or in his robotic Steve form or pulling his hair out during one of his episodes. But once, only once when a spider crawled into the room and I went running did Ryder become himself. He found me curled up under my bed and coaxed me out. At that time he was sort of like an older brother; very gentle and kind, but it wasn't long before his mind set changed and he was in his terrifying robotic Steve mode that he switches to.
Jared, the biggest and scariest of all the victors glances up at me when he walks in but quickly turns to watching the blank TV screen when he sees who I am. I don't think I have ever heard him actually try to talk to me. I think he finds me weak and a disgrace to the Victors; I make him look bad because I make it look like it's easy to become a victor or something... as though being a victor could ever be easy. He looks the part of the ideal victor with Rose draped over his arm, rubbing his bare back. Clearly they were... interrupted.
I don't even go near Jared. He is the biggest and most brutal of us all. When I first met him he was in this strange fit of anger. Throwing things across the room, smashing vases and slamming doors, yelling his lungs out.
I got so distraught over that I was required to stay in the mental hospital for another fortnight.
Then, of course, there is Rose Eveleth who is trying to spark up a conversation with Jared who looks less than interested now that we're all together again. Rose always goes out of her way to throw a snarky or bitchy comment in my direction. I guess she thinks I'm a bit of a joke; she doesn't seem to buy the fact I can be terrified of everything. . .
"Look who it is," Rose says, "I'm surprised you came of your own accord. I thought the Officials would have had to drag you in."
I flinch a little at the thought and skit my way around the wall and sit on the far side of the couch. Away from the scary Victors.
We sit in silence for a few minutes. I stare at the blank screen like Jared does, just waiting for something to happen.
"I wish this stupid thing would hurry up," Jared snaps at the screen.
Ryder snaps out of his hallucination at that moment with a jolt. He looks around, confused about where he is. Then, for no apparent reason he begins to laugh hysterically and uncontrollably.
This is surprisingly common... Ryder going into one of his crazy, inexplicably happy modes. I admit it is a lot less scary then when he is severely depressed or being stiff and robotic, but his laugh is so dry and the look in his eye makes him look somewhat like a maniac.
I look at him warily, scooting over in my seat to get further away from him as he clutches his side and cackles madly. Lulu looks at him with vague interest, her eyes still droopy and fingers shaking.
"Shut up, will you?" Jared says with venom but Ryder just shrugs at him and continues to laugh.
A few seconds later there is a beeping sound and the TV comes to life with a picture of a very serious looking guy standing at a podium with the American flag pinned to the wall behind him.
When Ryder sees the TV, his laughing stops far too suddenly. His eyes widen at the TV and he becomes dead silent.
"Welcome, Citizens of America, to the Reaping of the 6th Games. As you know, the Reapings have been taking place over the last 24 hours and we now have our newest Tributes being escorted to the Capitol as we speak. As in previous years, the Tributes were selected by Colorado Automatic Tribute Selector known as the C.A.T.S computer. The Tributes were taken into our custody at all hours of the day and the event was captured by military droids. You are now about to see the collections happen. Enjoy."
""Enjoy?" Lulu speaks up for the first time since I entered the room. Her words are slurred and mumbled. "Enjoy? How can we enjoy this?"
No one answers her... no one has an answer anyway.
My attention is turned back to the screen when an image of America appears on the screen. It remains on the screen momentarily before it zooms in on one of the states, flicking to an image of a house.
The words Alabama slide onto the screen followed by 4:32am. It's early morning; I doubt anyone would even be up yet. . .
The camera follows two men in suits -much like the ones that took me from my home- as they walk up to the door and knock briskly.
You could hear a pin drop in the silence that follows as we wait for that door to be answered. I feel my chest tightening as I think of that poor, poor child sleeping safely in their bed who is about to be snatched away forever.
The door opens and a very sleepy man is seen in the doorway. His dopey eyes fly open wide when he sees who knocks.
"We are here to collect your daughter," says one of the men.
The father tries to plead but the men soon push past him and make their way into the house.
The men go through the house loudly and bang down doors in search for their tribute. Eventually they burst into a room where a girl snaps up from her sheets surprised and alert, her extremely thick white blonde hair is in tangles. When she sees the men she freezes up and begins to shake. The men quickly grab her and drag her out the house. She pleads, begs and drags her feet but it's no use. They throw her into the eerie white van and drive off.
A picture of the girl then flashes onto the screen with information about her, like her height and weight. Things people need to know when they wonder about her impending death.
Roman Adair, age 15, The screen says
It goes on like this for at least half an hour... A very rich boy from Alaska by the name of Denver is taken from his mansion. His father pleads and tries to bribe the men to spare his son but no money in the world could save him. The Arizona girl named Paige Anders is snatched up during a game of softball. She gets so distressed that she actually tries to fend off the men with her softball bat. She even gets a few decent hits in before she is slung over one of their shoulders and carried away.
Every Tribute reacts differently. Gavin, the New Jersey boy is collected out on his farm. He accepts his fate and doesn't fight, he just goes quietly. Elizabeth McIntosh from Minnesota is taken during her boxing training and she throws a few punches before she has to be tackled down and tasered.
And it goes on and on. Jiaying Li, a 13 year old Asian girl is snatched up during one of her violin lesson. Madison Harris from Florida is scooped away in a middle of a teenage shopping spree. The Hawaiian girl has to be pulled off her surfboard before being taken into the van. The Mississippi boy has to have his fingers prised of the keyboard of his computer that he desperately clings to.
Rose gets a little excited and pays a tad more attention when a fairly good looking boy from Michigan is interrupted in the middle of showering to be taken away.
The last boy to be reaped is from Wyoming. He reminds me so much of my reaping. He is a tiny little thing; only twelve-years-old. He was taken when he was just hanging out with some of his friends at a park. He didn't fight or stand his ground, he just did what I did; ran.
He ran and ran and ran and didn't look back. When he got tired he found a place to hide, but like me and countless others he was found and chucked into the van before being whisked away from his home.
When the van door closes his name appears on the screen- Jason Kang. Then his face fades away and the official looking man from the beginning of the Reaping is back.
"Thank you for watching," he says.
"Like we had a choice," Jared says sourly.
"We hope you enjoyed the Reaping," says the man as Lulu, Ryder, Rose and Jared scoff. "By tomorrow we shall have all of our Tributes in the Capitolite House being readied for the Games. Now, here is the complete final list of the 50 Tributes that will be participating in The 6th Annual Games. Thank you, and goodnight."
The man fades away and a list of the tributes appear on the screen with their picture and age next to them. Seeing the complete list scroll down the screen makes my body shake. To the Victors and the Tributes those names mean the everything. Those are the names of people that are standing in your way to living your life. But to the government that list is just a colour of names that stop the crime and keeps the peace in this country. . .
Alabama: (F) Roman Adair
Alaska: (M) Denver L. Raylor, Jr.
Arizona: (F) Paige Anders
Arkansas: (M) Zac Alger
California: (F) Pandora Carlisle
Colorado: (M) John Wright III
Connecticut: (F) Audrey Landon
Delaware: (M) Matt Little
Florida: (F) Madison Harris
Georgia: (M) Landon Rutherford
Hawaii: (F) Leia Ryanee
Idaho: (M) Micheal McPhee
Illinois: (F) Janessa Crawford
Indiana: (M) Alfie Collins
Iowa: (F) Ev Daniels
Kansas: (M) Talon Smith
Kentucky: (F) Rosie Mae Carroway
Louisiana: (M) Ollie Markham
Maine: (F) Lauren Foote
Maryland: (M) Ernesto Morales
Massachusetts: (F) Karina Stone
Michigan: (M) Seth Collins
Minnesota: (F) Elizabeth MacIntosh
Mississippi: (M) Lux Verren
Missouri: (F) Alyssa Walmack
Montana: (M) Thomas Royal
Nebraska: (F) Lilion James
Nevada: (M) Quentin Blake
New Hampshire: (F) Ana Maria Selina
New Jersey: (M) Gavin Mulrose
New Mexico: (F) Laura Carrepa
New York: (M) Robert Bryson
North Carolina: (F) Cheshire Reese
North Dakota: (M) Tyler Williams
Ohio: (F) Emma Wolf
Oklahoma: (M) Alexander Besanco
Oregon: (F) Jiaying Li
Pennsylvania: (M) Lockie King
Rhode Island: (F) Cassandre Erizes
South Carolina: (M) Phil Carstin
South Dakota: (F) Amaine Sanders
Tennessee: (M) Toby Hager
Texas: (F) Mary Oakland
Utah: (M) Luke Higgins
Vermont: (F) Amy Smythe
Virginia: (M) Jace Carroway
Washington: (F) Alina Rizuka
West Virginia: (M) Arif Aboul-Nour
Wisconsin: (F) Joslyn Aguilar
Wyoming: (M) Jason Kang
The American Anthem plays, the credits role then the TV shuts down and everything is silent.
Lulu gets up without a sound and clumsily makes her way to the door. Ryder quickly follows her, slinging her arm around his shoulder and helping her walk.
Then Rose grabs Jared hand and whispers something in his ear before she leads him out the door. I hear her footsteps tip toe down the hallway and fade away.
Then I am left alone. . .
That's one of the worst things about being Victor. Every friend you used to have is taken away from you. No one wants to be friends with a killer, so I can only find companionship in the other killers. But they have already settled themselves in nicely. Ryder and Lulu are basically inseparable. They are both so muddled up they don't even notice each other's flaws. Jared and Rose are always going off together. Even though I know both Jared and Rose are less than interested in personalities, they put up with each other without argument. Most of the time.
Then there is me.
I'm sure Lulu and Ryder would be more than happy to make their cosy little duo a trio, but I am too scared of both of them at the best of times to even consider that. And Rose and Jared are less than friendly towards me.
And that's one of the things the Games is designed to do. You have your life ripped away from you and even if you are the 'lucky' one to survive you never get your life back. The second you are thrown into that van your life has changed and there is nothing, not anything that can make it come back. . .
Fight or Flight?
Flight won't work; the Games have already caught me.
All I can do is fight. But I don't have anything to fight for any more.
Ashlee, Ryder, Lulu, Maddie and Taryn