Amandas POV
She had always adored her big sister. She couldn't remember a time when she hadn't. They had the best relationship as they grew up. It was them against the world. Spending a day with her sister was like being in fairytale. She had the best imagination and Amanda followed her as they visited magic kingdoms, fought trees in the wood behind their house, climbed volcanoes and saved the prince from the dragons wrath. Amanda waited at the porch every day for her sister to come home from school. And even if they were banned to their rooms by their mother Jade would make it fun. They built huts, drew magical worlds on a big piece of paper or just held on to each other as Jade told her amazing stories about amazing creatures. And Amanda loved to be called Amber. It made her feel so special.
Even though they were five years apart Jade always let her tag along when possible. She didn't mind including her little sister when she had friends over or let her sit at the bleacher as she practiced. Jade had a lot of friends and none of them complained. Or if they did Jade would chose her sister over them. To Amanda Jade were the most wonderful and magical person in the world. Even the dark days, the days when Justine would just cry for no good reason or threw a tantrum because their mother or father upset her, Amanda would think the world of her. Those were the days she could be there for her sister and not the other way around. Amber would try and make her sister smile. She'd try and make up just as magical stories as Jade could, she'd try and stand on her head, make funny faces and hug her until the pain washed away. And then Justine would be Jade again.
Amanda was probably the first one that knew something deeper was wrong with Justine. But a five year old couldn't grasp fancy words like borderline personality disorder. And to Amanda it wasn't a disorder, she was just special. She could tell from an early age if it was Justine or Jade who stood before her. She loved them both but Justine could be scary. That was the side that held irritability, anxiety, paranoia, delusions and anger. The side that would get into fights at school. Only with persons who bullied or upset others though, the one's both Justine and Jade saw as evil. Justine was the side that made her beloved sister pick on her own skin so it broke and made nasty sores. The one that needed her the most. The one that would take over as her sister slipped into substance abuse.
The day her sister had left for college she felt devastated. She missed her terribly. Jade would call Amber often though. But then less and less after Jade started talking about this boy she'd met. He was two years older, so urbane and so handsome she told her. He had been handsome, a bit ragged but still handsome, once she finally got to meet him. And he was kind to her. He told her she had the most gorgeous eyes he'd ever seen and a very friendly smile. She'd been taken in by him and his charm. His name was Eric and if Jade loved him he must be a good guy. Their parents hadn't liked him though. It was from overhearing her parents talk one night as she first heard the word drugs and soon she understood that drugs, and Eric, was the things changing her sister. Making her stay on the dark side, making Jade disappear. When on drugs she changed from amazing Jade to unpredictable and just plain crazy Justine. She still loved her sister though and even the small glimpses of Jade was enough. She salvage those moments in her heart.
But then there was that terrible night when everything changed. She couldn't remember exactly what had happen, big pieces were missing from that night. She didn't mind though. The images she did remember, the ones that came through in her nightmares or flashed by her eyes as she visited a crime scene that hit a little too close to home, was scary enough. She let Amber carry that dark secret. She knew that she and Amber were one and the same though. Not the way Justine kept herself separated with Jade.
Once Justine got her diagnosis though she'd been afraid she too was carrying some disorder. Justine hadn't been wrong when she called their mother neurotic and their father emotionally inept, big words for a fifteen year old. As long as she could remember their mother had been taking pills to calm her nerves. Their father did have a hard time airing his emotions or showing his affection with hugs and kisses. Before that night though he did it on special occasions but after... never. Since Justine didn't have some traumatic childhood experience that she knew off she figured it was inherent. Something they both probably carried in their genes. So what if she too had a disorder? What if she was sick too?
She could see a change in herself after that night. Before she'd felt real. Whole. After she felt as though she constantly pretended to be something. She pretended to be a normal high school student. Then a normal college student. Then an adult, a police recruit, a police officer, a detective. Always pretending. Pretending became her life. Those rare moments when she was all alone, in her own apartment, with nothing at hand she felt lost. Fortunately though she had a job that could take up most of her time. And the rest she filled with books, theater visits, exercising or going to the movies. If she kept herself occupied she could pretend she was normal. But there were things she couldn't pretend. She couldn't pretend to be someone's girlfriend. She could pretend kissing, pretend flirting, pretend interest. But not to be so close to someone as to being their girlfriend.
She'd come close once though. Kevin. He was a cop too. He was with another squad but she'd seen him around, talked to him in the bar once or twice. But then she'd seen him at the theater. She'd spotted him in the intermission and hid immediately. He was surely there with someone and she didn't want him knowing she was there on her own. But then he'd been waiting for her outside the theater once it ended. He must have spotted her after all. "So how goes your review?" he casually asked. He'd been there alone too. They ended up at the diner across the street, sharing a piece of pie while reviewing the play. He was the first one who actually seemed to like the play writer Goethe just as much as she did. He was different from other cops she hung around. He was calm, cultural, with the ability to make her laugh and feel comfortable.
They started with going to the theater together and soon she found herself in an actual relationship. It just happen. It took a while but then she'd slept with him. He was the only one. Except for... Eric. She started to feel like maybe she didn't have to pretend with him. But then Justine had gone into rehab and sure enough soon thereafter Eric paid her a visit. Same story every time. She thought that when she became a cop he would keep his distance but she'd been wrong. She'd thought maybe things would change when she had Kevin around but it didn't change a thing. Eric was her cross to bear. She'd do anything to keep her sister safe. So she realized nothing would ever change and she couldn't give Kevin what he needed or deserved. She had to leave him before he found out. Kevin was one of her biggest achievements but also one of her biggest, and saddest, failures.
The run in with her deputy chief had been rough. She'd gotten away almost unharmed but it set motions off that made her feel as though she was about to crack. When her captain talked to her about a transfer, and to New York of all places, it had felt like a big opportunity. Not only work wise but also to get away from the city and from Eric. Maybe she would be able to put it all behind her? It had been scary to move but the feeling of it being a new start for her made it scary in an exciting way. And Justine was in Pittsburgh since about six months, information she did not give Eric when he paid her a visit two months before she moved. She would be able to drive to see her sister when it was time for their monthly visits. Maybe, just maybe, she'd let her come more often.
She stayed at a hotel for the first weeks in NY but as she'd gotten in touch with a real estate agent before the move she could quickly start to look at potential apartments for her to buy. She had enough savings so she'd be able to even though the prices in the big city were ridiculously high. She knew right away when she stepped in to her apartment that it was the right place for her. The location was great, seeing how the drive to work wouldn't be that long, and the neighborhood seemed quiet, yet friendly and multicultural. The building had a garage in the basement and a locked front door. The apartment itself was spacious but not big enough to swallow her, well except for the bed but the plan was to get rid of it. She'd immediately spotted the closet and what it could be useful as but she'd tried to push those thoughts away. This was a new start, no need for hiding places. She felt as though she could pretend to be a regular adult in this apartment.
But it hadn't taken long until she'd started anyway. She'd put things in there that could be useful if she ever did have to spend some time in there. And then came the first lock and soon the next one. She'd placed her spare gun in there. At times she'd sit in there just because it was comfy. Most often with a book in her hands or her computer in her lap. She felt calm, and safe, in there. It couldn't be wrong right? The job had devoured her. Just as she liked it. There were no shortage of crimes and victims in the big city. And she had the best boss and co-workers.
Cragen was really sweet but yet straight forward and easy to read. Olivia had been hard to reach but they'd found a working relationship that seemed to work well for both of them. She was kind of glad they weren't forced to be tight just because they were the only females in the squad because it meant she didn't have to share everything with her. They could work well together but still keep their distance. The same went for Fin. She loved Fin. He was the best partner she'd ever had, not that she would ever admit that to him though. He had the tough love approach. He was straight forward as their captain, he wasn't afraid of airing his opinion but still had a great ear for others opinions. She felt safe when he had her back and was proud to have his.
Munch was a treasure. She'd learnt so much from him, he'd been around for ages now and to be able to tap in to that experience was a treat. The other rookie was probably the only one she seemed to rub the wrong way. She wasn't sure what it was but they seemed to disagree often. She tried to bite her tongue but sometimes she just couldn't and it seemed Nick was the one on the receiving end at those occasions for some reason. She had promised herself to work on that.
When she'd stepped into the precinct this past Tuesday and the desk sergeant had called her over to hand her a note she'd been totally unprepared for the re-emergence of Eric. When she'd seen his name at the bottom of the hand scribbled note a tsunami wave of emotions had almost knocked her off her feet. Fear, pain, disbelief, anxiety, sickness, it all made her weak to her knees and her wildered look went around the entrance hall in case he was still around. The desk sergeant had asked if she was okay but thankfully Fin had already begun his walk up the stairs and she was able to collect herself. The note had asked her to meet him in a bar not far from where she lived. That made her wonder if he knew where she lived even though she wasn't listed.
She'd thought about blowing him off but the fear that he then might show up back at the station again made her convince herself she had to go see him. Seeing him in a public place wasn't so bad, it was being alone with him that made her feel like dying a little. She'd managed to sneak out a little earlier that night and she drove her car back home and then jumped the bus back a few stations to where the bar was at. She'd spotted him straight away. He'd tucked himself into a booth by the wall. The once handsome man was long gone. Not only because she saw him in a different light today than when she first met him just shy of fourteen. The drugs had done big damage to his exterior. To her sister's as well.
As she'd come closer she'd felt her gut turning. His dark, curly hair was still untamed but looked unwashed and pulled back in a sloppy bun and she could see hairpins on his head. His dark eyes had withdrawn even further into his head and with the pale skin she got associations to a skull. He had a thin scar on his right cheek that wasn't there the last time she saw him. When he smiled at her she'd seen the familiar state of his teeth. Her mother would cringe if she saw that. At least Justine had decent teeth thanks to their mother. She hadn't smiled at him as she sat down and not when he tried giving her a compliment that went along the line of the NY fumes not affecting her looks badly. He'd tried to begin a conversation, wanted to buy her a beer but she'd just shut him down and told him she still didn't know where Justine was.
He'd acted offended telling her he was in town to visit a friend and just thought that he would check in with another friend as well, meaning her. She wasn't buying any of it. He'd tried to grab her hand on the table but she'd put them down in her lap immediately. She'd felt his leg rub up against hers under the table and she'd pulled away but every little thing seemed to suck strength from her. He was like a vulture. She needed to get out of there. She'd told him again she couldn't tell him where Justine was, he should ask their mother if he wanted to find her and she told him he better stay away from the station too. She'd hurried out of there but of course he wasn't giving up without a fight. She figured she had better stamina than him and he would wear off in a couple of blocks if she kept a steady pace. But he kept up and she started to look for a cab as she got tired of his voice in her ear nagging about how he just wanted to make sure Justine was doing all right.
Of course there was no cab in sight when she needed one. She finally couldn't listen to him and stopped and tried to reason with him. To no point of course. He'd managed to get the phone off her and looked through it for Justine's number. She'd learnt by now not to keep that on her so she wasn't worried. She didn't want him to steal her phone though seeing how she would have to ask her captain for a new one in the morning but he gave it back to her thankfully. He wasn't letting her go though. His breath on her face made her want to vomit. She knew where it all was leading and she knew she had to get away now. She could tell he was on something and she knew the strength he possessed when he put his mind to it. And she knew from experience he was hard to outsmart. Unintelligent he was not.
She thought she found a way out and she got ready to make a run for it but his arm had suddenly got in her way. She was out for a few seconds but when she came to and felt him start to pull her legs she tried to grab for whatever she could find. She knew what the alley would mean and it scared her. New York was her town, not his. She got angry and put up a bigger fight than she usually did. She'd lost though and the next thing she remembered was waking up with a bright light in her eyes and people touching her all over. And to make things worst Olivia and Fin had shown up. The adrenalin had still been pumping so the anger won over the embarrassment she felt. Having Fin on her couch that night hadn't been so bad though. It made her feel safe and if pride and the fact she needed to act cool to make them think everything was fine hadn't stepped in the way she would have let him stay another night.
There was no way she would tell them. The humiliation too grand to carry and the fear what they would think of her. She thought she had managed to get them off her back but then he'd confronted her with that darn photo. They had footage. How embarrassing. She knew she had to make sure Eric got out of there. She'd gone back to the bar and surely enough found him there. She'd told him her partner was on his tail and he better get out of there before he got in some serious trouble. He wasn't in Niceville Atlanta no more she said before storming out of there. Maybe he had followed her as she drove off or maybe he already knew where she lived? An hour after she got home, just as she was finally calming down enough to go to bed, her buzzer rang and it felt like her blood got several degrees cooler when she heard his voice on the other side of it.
She didn't let him up but soon enough he was at her door anyway. She went into her bedroom and open up the closet door. She made sure her spare gun was still in its place. She decided she would shoot him this time if it got too far. This time she really would. She could say he attacked her two days ago, Olivia and Fin could back that up, and that's why she felt threaten when he came to her apartment. They'd talked through her door. He'd kept insisting he just wanted to talk to Justine but he'd given up finally. Then he'd started with I don't have any money to go back home and if she just gave him some money he would leave. She could only find forty in bills in her pocket and tried to slip them under the door. When that didn't work she told him to step away from the door. She made sure the chains were on and once she saw him move away she'd open the door just enough to hold the bills out the door.
–Just take them and then leave. She'd said and he'd stepped forward. But he didn't go for the money, he kicked the door and she flew into the opposite wall just by the slight impact he made with that first kick. She remembered sliding down to the floor by the wall and just wishing the chains would hold for the next kick she knew was coming. That's the last thing she could remember. No, she could remember thinking she needed to get to her gun but as she tried to get into the bedroom she'd looked over her shoulder and seen him coming. That was the last thing she could remember. Her head was pounding. And this darn light. She couldn't breathe. She felt panic. Why couldn't she breathe? And could someone turn off this damn light so I can open my eyes?